Love You Better (24 page)

Effie drained her wine. That hurt. But she got it. It was easier to pretend things weren’t really happening, especially when those things were of your own making.

‘And now?’

‘Now.’ Smith puffed out his cheeks. ‘I’m just a Regular Joe.
I do
n’t want to be a prick who goes around hurting people.
Especially
people who deserve it the least.’

Effie blushed at the way he threw her a small smile. Maybe he really had changed. He seemed so much more humble than he had when he’d left. Maybe she’d mistaken his embarrassment at
the way
he’d treated her for arrogance. In some perverse way, maybe
everything
that had happened, happened for a reason.

‘It’s kind of appropriate to have a skull tattoo covering the scar,’ she said.

‘Skulls signify a lot of things. Death, knowledge, overcoming obstacles.’ He held the bottle out to refill her glass. ‘So yeah, it’s appropriate. I’ll get more soon.’

‘You’ll end up completely covered at the rate you’re going.’ She tutted but they both knew she appreciated his tattoos just as much as he did.

‘What about you? Will you get any more? Though the one you have already is cute enough on its own.’

Effie almost choked on her wine. She’d tagged along with him when he went for a new addition to his sleeve and ended up getting a tiny love heart on her pelvis. The memory of him kissing it after it had healed popped up in her mind, and since his cheeks reddened, she guessed the same was true for him too.

She shook her head and cleared her throat. ‘Nope. One’s enough for me.’

Smith put his glass on the floor and took out a box of
Marlboros
.

‘You’ve started smoking again?’

‘Nah, but it’s sunny, I’m at a pub and I’ve got a drink in my hand.’ He looked at the glass. ‘Well, I’ve got a drink on the floor. It’d be rude not to.’

She held her hand out and grinned. ‘Can I nick one?’

‘You’ve quit.’

‘So have you, but I won’t tell if you don’t tell.’

Smith laughed and handed her a cigarette. She cupped a hand around his as he struck his lighter and lit the tip.

‘It can be our little secret.’

22.

C
hocolate, thick socks and
Sex and the City
. It was Effie’s idea of bliss, and as the familiar theme tune played out on the television, she sighed contentedly and wriggled her toes, stretching her legs out on the sofa. She was on episode three of her marathon, and her family-sized bag of Minstrels was already almost depleted. After last night’s drinks with Smith, she was grateful for the peace and quiet of home. They’d ended up staying at the pub until the sun had set, soaking up every last ray of sunshine, and she’d woken this morning with a slight hangover.

A car pulled up outside, and she turned her head to look out of the window just in time to see the black BMW that, until Oliver moved out, had always been parked up in their driveway. It was the first time he’d come round for days, and she waited to hear him knock
on
the door, pushing away the dull ache settling in her chest. Alarmingly, as time went on, the confusion had stopped abating and settled into a steady worry about whether she’d been harsh towards him, even though what he’d done to her was inexplicably wrong. She frowned at the silence. What was he doing?

She quietly crept to the living room doorway and peered out into the hallway, expecting to see his silhouette behind the door, but he wasn’t there. She stood still for a couple of minutes, her heart steadily pounding in her chest. Had she closed all the windows? Maybe he was trying to find a way in. She wasn’t scared of him. He’d been nothing but repentant, but she only wanted to see him face-to-face on her terms.

The letterbox flipped up, and a small card fluttered to the ground. She caught a glimpse of Oliver’s fingers and realised he must have been sitting in the doorway, writing whatever he had. She slowly walked towards the door, her socked feet slightly slipping on the varnished oak floor. The lights were on in the house. There was little point in pretending she wasn’t in. She crouched down and picked up the card and read his scrawled handwriting.

Since the flowers weren’t enough, maybe this will work instead . . .

She turned it over and frowned. Maybe what will? She looked at the door. Was he still outside, or was that all he had to say? She looked back at the card as the letterbox opened again and another card fell onto the bristly floor mat.

There are no words to express how sorry I am . . .

Again, there was only one line. She sat on the floor and crossed her legs as another came.

I don’t expect you to believe me, and if this were a film, I’d be the first to tell you to stay away . . .

She traced a finger over the messy, looped letters. He’d never written to her before. She guessed love letters were passé these days, but she couldn’t deny the way her throat was tightening with every card he posted.

But this isn’t a film. It’s real life. I screwed up . . .

If only it were that easy. If only admitting he’d screwed up could fix everything. She’d been getting on with her life since he’d moved out, and it was getting easier every day, but she’d married for love. She’d married for life. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t want back the happiness they’d had in the beginning.

I REALLY screwed up. But I’m fixing it. I’m doing the course, like I said I would.

She hadn’t thought he’d been serious about doing the anger management course. It would have meant publicly acknowledging that he had a problem he couldn’t control. It must have dented his pride in a big way.

It’s working already. I can see why I acted like I did. Why I did what I did. I just want you to know . . .

Effie found herself tapping her fingers on her knee, waiting for the next card. When he posted it, she caught it before it hit the ground and read it. The tears that had been clogging her throat fell from her eyes.

None of it was your fault. It was all mine.

She wiped a cheek and read it again as another card dropped through.

I know you’ll say no, but please, give me one last chance, and I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making you happy.

Her heart ached. The part of her that wanted to believe him was taking over, but she couldn’t. She’d already made that mistake once before.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

She read the last two cards, posted at the same time and leaned her head against the wall as tears continued to fall down her cheeks. On the other side of the door, she heard him shuffle around before he stood up, his silhouette against the glass. She held her breath and didn’t let it out until he turned and left.

23.

E
ffie opened the front door just as Lou clambered out of the car, sucking on an ice lolly. She was perfectly dressed for the summer in tiny shorts, a vest and flip-flops. The fragile, heartbroken version of her friend had come a long way.

‘Do you need a hand?’ Effie asked as Lou swung her handbag onto her shoulder.

‘Yep,’ Lou replied, taking plastic bags from the back seat. ‘You can take the foot spa. It’s in the boot.’

Effie clicked the latch of the front door down and opened the boot to look at the bags inside. ‘Is that
all
booze?’

‘There’s food as well, obviously.’ Lou grinned as Effie took the big box containing the foot spa from the boot. ‘We’re having a proper girly pamper day. No cutting corners.’

Lou followed her into the house and dumped the bags on the kitchen table. ‘Right. Food-wise, we’ve got baguettes, cheese, salad, breadsticks and assorted dips, plus olives for you.’

Effie put the foot spa on the table. ‘Ooh, yum. Thanks.’

‘God knows how you eat that stuff. Talk about gross.’ Lou pulled a face. ‘We’ve also got strawberries, blueberries and pineapple. For booze, we’ve got Pimm’s and a couple of bottles of wine.’

‘I’ve forgotten how much you like to boss people around,’ Effie replied, putting the drinks in the fridge. ‘Let’s start with Pimm’s.’

‘And away from the alcohol and food,’ Lou continued, ‘I’ve brought the foot spa, face masks and mani-pedi stuff. I forgot the creams and scrubs for our feet, though.’

‘Don’t worry about it. Izzy sent me loads of products for my birthday, I’m pretty sure I’ve got some upstairs.’

‘This is going to be sooooo good,’ Lou said as she set about chopping up strawberries and cucumber for the Pimm’s.

‘It is.’ Effie grinned. It was the perfect spring day. The sun was shining, the sky was a clear blue and there were two sunloungers waiting in the garden with their names on them. ‘So how are
things wit
h Mickey?’

Lou shrugged. ‘We spoke a couple of days ago. He wanted to hear me out about what happened.’

‘And?’

‘And that was it. He said he needed to have time to calm down before we spoke, and I guess he has now. I haven’t spoken to him since, though.’

Lou turned to face her, holding the jug of Pimm’s in her hand. She was smiling, but Effie could still see the pain behind her eyes.

‘Do you think there’s a chance for you two?’

‘Nope.’ Lou shrugged. ‘I dunno. I keep thinking, if it were the other way around, would I be able to take him back? Would
I forgive
him? The answer changes on a daily basis.’

Effie could understand that. Could she forgive Oliver? Since he’d posted the notes through the letterbox, she’d reverted to the mental state she’d been in right after he’d left. She could wake up in the morning, convinced that they were over, but by the afternoon, she’d be bombarded by the good memories they’d created and the overwhelming sense of duty to stick to the vows they’d made. She wondered if Mickey was still resolute that his relationship with Lou was finished. Both Lou and Oliver had done something that was unforgiveable in one way or another.

‘You still want him back, though?’ Effie asked.

‘Of course I do. All I can do now is think positive and hope he changes his mind. I’ll see him at Smith’s barbecue, I’m sure. Maybe I’ll have a better idea then.’

That’d be interesting. Smith was having a barbecue for his birthday, and it would be the first time Lou and Mickey would be in the same space since they’d split. Effie hoped for her sake that it wouldn’t turn into a car crash.

She took the dips and breadsticks and followed Lou outside as they padded across the garden.

‘What about you? Is the douchebag still sending you flowers?’

‘Hold on a sec.’ Effie went back into the kitchen and dug out the cards he’d posted from a drawer. She took them out to Lou, who was sitting on her lounger. ‘He posted these a couple of days ago.
I hav
en’t heard from him since.’

She drank her Pimm’s as Lou looked through the cards. All she’d had since he’d posted them was radio silence, and it was starting to bother her. Why? She sighed. God, it was all so confusing. She hated him for what he’d done, but at the same time, she found herself missing parts of him. She missed having someone to come home to, to hug when she felt wobbly, to talk to over dinner. She found herself questioning whether her heart was really broken over their separation, even though her head told her it should be. At first, she’d felt overwhelmed by his attempts to win her back. All she’d wanted was to be left alone. She’d got her wish when he stopped, but the initial relief had morphed into a nagging sense of disappointment weighing down in her chest. He’d given up so easily.

Lou handed back the cards with a scowl. ‘Pathetic. None of this crap excuses what he did.’

‘I know.’ Effie nodded.

So why do I miss him?

Maybe he hadn’t really meant what he’d written. Maybe it was all a ploy to get back at her for throwing him out. He was confusing the hell out of her. At least when Smith had gone, he’d gone. She wasn’t on tenterhooks, waiting to see when he’d be back. It had ended and that was that – until he’d come back anyway.

‘I still can’t believe it,’ Lou said, shaking her head. ‘To think
I w
as singing his praises the whole time. He totally pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.’

‘I know,’ Effie replied.

‘He makes Smith look like the perfect guy.’

‘Ha!’ Effie laughed, sitting back on her lounger. ‘When you put it like that, maybe we should just swear off men.’

‘No way. I’m going to do everything I can to get mine back.’ Lou propped herself up on her elbows. ‘Maybe I was wrong about Smith.’

‘In what sense?’

‘Well, I was always quick to point out his flaws because he hurt you so much, but he’s been so different since he came back.
When yo
u told me about him bringing you home when you got sick, it didn’t surprise me at all. He totally screwed things up, but you were a great couple. And even though he might not be the
most reli
able and perfect of men, at least he loved you. He’d never have done anything to hurt you, not in the way that Olly did.’

Effie nodded. She was right about that, but a broken heart hurt just as much as being beaten up, if not more.

‘You know if you wanted to, you could just reach out and grab him. You know he still loves you.’

‘As if. Bringing me home and taking me for a drink doesn’t mean he’s in love with me, and I’m in no position to be reaching out and grabbing anyone.’

The last thing she needed was complications. Having Smith stay at her place for a few hours so she could sleep was one thing. Taking it further when she was in a state of flux about Oliver was quite another. And anyway, there was nothing to say that there
was a
nything
to
take further, even if she wanted to. Things had been friendly enough between her and Smith since the day he’d brought her home, and he’d sent her the odd text to see if she was doing okay, but apart from seeing him at work, nothing between them had changed. Certainly not to the extent where she could
reach out and grab him
.

They lay on their loungers in silence, soaking up the sun and drinking their drinks. The distinctive smell of a charcoal barbecue infused the air, and Effie’s stomach rumbled. She sat up and tied her hair up in a high bun. The chemical straightening she’d had for
her birth
day had grown out, and her curls had returned. Since
Oliver
had left, she hadn’t even so much as reached for her GHDs, and now she was left with a huge mass of bouncy curls. She took the lids off the dips and stuck a breadstick into the taramasalata.

‘Ah, this is bliss.’ Lou sighed and Effie smiled. She couldn’t agree more.

‘Is this ready to come off, do you think?’ Effie asked, trying not to move her mouth too much against the firm set of the clay mask Lou had applied.

Lou peered at her face. ‘Yep, I think so.’

The afternoon had passed in a beautiful blur of Pimm’s, light food and sunbathing. Maybe it was the booze, but as Effie removed the cucumber slices from her eyes, she could’ve sworn there was an almost magical haze to the atmosphere. It was like looking at the world through a filtered camera lens. The bushes in the garden were ultra-green and the sky ultra-blue, and the air was dotted with tiny dandelion seeds fluttering in the breeze. She leaned back on her hands and looked up at the sky. It was a day she never wanted
to end.

‘Do you want anything from inside?’ she asked.

‘Some of that brie would be nice. And more booze.’

Effie swung her legs to the side of the sunlounger and let her feet sink into the grass. It reminded her of her wedding night, when she’d escaped outside for a moment of solitude and stepped out of her heels. She did her best to disguise the pang in her chest and ignore the confusion about whether the pang was about
seeing
Smith
for th
e first time after so long or the memory of how
happy she
’d been on her wedding day. It was hard to believe it was only six months ago. How quickly things had changed. They hadn’t even made it to their first anniversary without things falling apart. Effie sighed and stood up, and her knees almost buckled.

‘Oh, god.’ She gripped the back of the sunlounger. Olly was standing by the back door, looking at her.

‘What?’ Lou asked and followed the trail of Effie’s stare back to the house. ‘What the hell is
he
doing here?’

Effie didn’t say anything as she looked at her husband. How had he got in? The locks had been changed, and she’d been meticulous about keeping the windows closed, even in the midst of their freak heatwave.

‘Did you take the door off the latch when you came in?’ she asked as quietly as she could without taking her eyes off Oliver.

Lou swore. ‘I didn’t realise it was on. I thought it had closed behind me.’ She swore again. ‘I’m sorry.’

Effie shook her head. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

There was no point stressing about it now. It had to come to a head sooner or later. It was just a shame it had to be today, on what had turned out to be one of the best days she’d had in a long time.

‘Don’t, Effie,’ Lou said, standing up and putting her hand on Effie’s shoulder. ‘Don’t let him try and win you back.’

‘I’m not,’ Effie replied. ‘But this is his house.’

‘So come stay with me, and leave that dickhead here on his own. Don’t let him manipulate you.’

Lou threw Oliver a look of pure disdain, but he still didn’t budge from the doorway. It must have been obvious that Lou knew what he’d done and was rallying around her best friend, but he seemed to be waiting to be given the all-clear before making contact.

Effie sighed. ‘I have to talk to him.’

‘Why?’

Effie looked at him again. He looked like a child, worried about whether it was safe to cross the playground. She wanted to hear what he had to say. It was shaky ground, she knew. She was
confused
; Oliver could turn on the charm when he needed to, and she’d told herself she wouldn’t ever take him back, but she still wondered if somewhere, deep down, she still loved him. Having Smith around had turned her head, distracted her and made her question her life, but what she had with Oliver was different. It was bound in marriage. Surely that had to mean something? And somewhere, in a place she’d been trying to keep buried, part of her was wondering if they could try again and make a go of things. Maybe they could go back to the good times they’d had.

‘Because I have to,’ she said.

‘But what if he tries something?’

‘He won’t. He wouldn’t, and I’m not scared of him.’

‘But
I’m
scared for you.’

‘Seriously, Lou, it’s fine.’

‘No way am I leaving you with him.’ Lou shook her head. ‘But if you really want to talk to him – and I have no idea why you
would –
then I’ll wait in the car.’

Effie nodded. It sounded like a fair compromise.

‘You come straight out if anything goes wrong. And if you need to, you’ll stay at mine. Okay?’

‘I will.’ Effie nodded. ‘I promise.’

Lou hugged her, and Effie watched as she walked across the garden. Oliver stepped outside to let her pass, and she hovered in front of him, staring him down. The look on Oliver’s face made it clear that he was embarrassed. And so he should be.

With Lou gone, he walked across the grass and started to speak, but she cut him off.

‘I need to go clean up.’

Oliver nodded. ‘Sure. I’ll wait inside.’

‘No, we’ll talk out here.’

She didn’t want to feel trapped. She wanted to be outside, not surrounded by photos of them to sway her mind.

Okay, Effie. You can do this.

And, she wanted to give the impression of being in control. He’d come into the house without warning, but she wanted this to be on her terms.

You’re in control.