Love...Among The Stars: Book 4 in the Love...Series (Love Series) (21 page)

'Wife!' Noah orders the terrified looking girl stood next to him. 'Gather all the animals for me and I will go to find some wood for the ark!'

Noah then buggers off as quickly as he can into the wings. The wife steps forward. 'Come on animals! You will come with me and we will go to where Noah is making the ark!' With that she starts to make shooing motions to the gathered farmyard animals. The two cows obediently trot off stage, as do the two sheep, two pigs, and two dogs. However, only one chicken obeys her orders. The other gives her a look of disgust. Noah's wife tries to shoo the recalcitrant chicken off the stage again, having about as much success as King Canute did with the tide.

'Get off the stage Poppy!' the little girl hisses loud enough for the whole hall to hear. There are a few chuckles from the crowd around us as they realise things have gone off book.

The chicken folds its arms.

Noah's wife then gently pushes the chicken. The chicken does not respond well to this and pushes Noah's wife back. It's apparent that this is not a chicken comfortable with the idea of being cooped up on an ark with a load of other smelly animals. Now Noah's wife seeks to reassert her authority by kicking the chicken on one ankle. This is a chicken not to be trifled with however. It growls in a way that shouldn't be possible, given how a chicken's larynx is constructed, and smartly punches Noah's wife on the shoulder. This causes Noah's wife to start crying and run off stage. The chicken, at last happy to have got rid of all those pesky humans, looks out at the crowd, gives us all a wave and starts to flap her arms about. This triumphant scene is made all the more sinister by the continuing sounds of distress emanating from off stage.

This is the first time I've ever watched a version of Noah And His Ark where thus far the over-riding moral of the story has been 'don't fuck with poultry, or you see what you get'.

Proud as the chicken is of its victory over womankind, the celebrations are short-lived when the scowling visage of Mrs Carmoody appears from the wing. 'Poppy! Leave the stage please!' she whisper shouts at the chicken, who scowls again in response, but does start to back away to the other wing, eventually disappearing like a yellow doom cloud behind the tabs.

And so, a definite tone is set for the rest of the performance. One that ensures Jamie and I will need extensive treatment for a very nasty case of
cringitis
.

By the time the actual flood arrives (in the shape of a group of extremely tiny year ones holding long blue bits of netting) we are both so low in our chairs, there's every chance we're about to fall off and break a coccyx or two.

Poppy has continued to protest about her role throughout proceedings. In one particularly cutesy scene, all the animals are meant to 'speak' to Noah. I rather feel Carmoody is ripping off Doctor
Dolittle
here, but I'll give her a pass, as it's a very efficient way of making sure as many children as possible get speaking parts. The horses neigh, the pigs grunt, the sheep baa. The chickens resolutely do not squawk, or even go 'buck buck buck'. One certainly makes a jolly good go of it, but the other? Well, let's just say the other is not putting a hundred percent into the performance. While Jake Potter is making an attempt to sound like a chicken, Poppy just stands there and goes 'Squawk'. Literally, she says the word
squawk
. 'Buck buck buck,' she also intones in a flat deadpan, looking completely disinterested. It's a horrendous spectacle to behold.

Then we come to the actual entrance to the ark - which comprises of a wooden slope, and the side of the boat, all on wheels. Quite how they managed to maneuver this monstrosity onto the stage is a testament to Mrs Carmoody's dedication to the theatre.

Not that Poppy Newman gives a flying fuck about that. Noah stands at the bottom of the ramp, naming each animal as it comes past him.

'And now, the chickens!' he says as loudly as possible. Jake chicken starts his ascent, but Poppy chicken merely stands there and growls at him. I'm sure when Noah in The Bible bid the animals board the ark in standard two by two formation, he would have expected the wolves or the tigers to growl at him, not the bloody chickens.

Poppy gives Noah a look that would kill him stone dead if looks could indeed kill, and stamps her way up the wooden slope, the hollow, booming noise of her feet echoing around the assembly hall.

Am I allowed to drink a bottle of vodka while sat in the audience of a children's play?
If so, I'm sending Jamie to the nearest off license while they change the scenery.

After twenty more minutes of good, well behaved children acting their little socks off, and one very badly behaved child acting like a sociopath, we get to the grand finale of Noah And His Ark, where land has once again been discovered by the bearded ship builder, and everyone onboard is saved the fate of all those heathens who have just drowned in hideous agony thanks to the will of their god. There's every chance Mrs Carmoody could have recreated Saving Private Ryan up on stage today and it would have been less traumatic.

The stage is set as a tropical island for some reason. I'm assuming this is for the sake of variety, but I'm not sure the polar bears are going to appreciate it. Nevertheless, against a backdrop of palm trees and a white sandy beach, Noah walks back down the ark's ramp, leading his wife and all the animals behind him. Inevitably, Poppy reluctantly appears last, with that look of contempt still plastered across her face.

All the other parents are cooing and
aahing
over their children. About the only thing I'm doing is trying to decide which of her toys I'm confiscating for the next five years in response to this afternoon's shenanigans.

The animals line up in a semi-circle around Noah. Poppy and Jake are stood on one end right by the left wing, with Jake closest to it. He has started picking his nose again, given that he is required to do little else other than stand there while Noah and God have another conversation centre stage.

'I have brought your animals to dry land!' Noah bellows at God.

'Thank you, my son. You have done well and I am pleased with your obedience,' God mumbles back to him.

'Will the waters go away now God?'

'Yes. And there will be room for all the animals of my creation.'

As the two chat back and forth for a while about how great it is that several billion people have just been murdered, and how wonderful it is that 95% of all the species on Earth have just been eradicated thanks to the fact they couldn't fit on the bloody ark, I notice Poppy becoming more and more disgusted by Jake's nose
pickery
.

She stands aghast, staring at his finger as it disappears up to the second knuckle.
Aghastness
is replaced by sheer, unbridled revulsion as Jake removes the finger and a bogey the size of a golf ball with it. He then makes a terrible, terrible error.
One that almost brings this play to a swift and tragic conclusion.

I do feel slightly sorry for Jake. He has had to put up with my moody daughter throughout the entire play. It can't be much fun to be the one making all the effort, while your partner makes none.

However, this does not excuse him waving the golf ball sized bogey under Poppy's nose, before attempting to wipe it on her face.

Poppy realises what the little bastard is doing and moves her head back with a scream of horror. 'Stop it Jake!' she wails.

Noah and God cease their discussion about how pious it is to systematically wipe out nearly all life on Earth, and turn to see what's going on.

Jake, all that pent up frustration bubbling to the surface, comes at Poppy again, his bogie covered finger waving at her. Pops then takes a drastic but understandable course of action - she pushes Jake Potter away as hard as she can. The nose picker stumbles backwards and falls off stage with a loud clatter. The scream of an elderly teacher having her bad foot crushed beneath the weight of a seven-year-old boy is heard from backstage, followed by the sound of expensive electronic equipment hitting the floor.

Instantly, the stage is plunged into darkness, save for a single spotlight in the centre. Noah hesitantly moves into this and starts to frantically turn his head between the audience and the wings. 'Do I do my speech now?' he whisper shouts.

'We haven't done the song yet!' God tells him from the gloom.

Noah looks confused. Obviously the spotlight is meant for him, but it's come on too early, thanks to Jake Potter's tumble. Noah's lip trembles. 'I don't know what to do.'

We're all waiting for Mrs Carmoody to bring some order to the chaos, but she does not appear.

Noah continues to stand still in the harsh glare of the spotlight, not knowing what to do. Some children are just not meant to be under such pressure, alone in front of a hundred expectant audience members.

Others however, are more than willing to step up and bask in the glow of the spotlight.

Poppy, seeing her opportunity, leaps forward and approaches the stage struck boy. 'Noah!' she shouts. 'I am a chicken, and I will sing you a song of thanks for bringing me and the other chicken here to this island. I really love coconuts!'

Noah looks totally confused.

'You go and stand with
Briony
- sorry,
Mrs
Noah, and I will sing for you!' Poppy continues, pushing Noah out of the spotlight.

As soon as he's gone, Poppy turns to the crowd with a gleaming smile spread across her face. Off comes the ridiculous bathmat chicken head, and at the top of her voice Poppy starts to sing.

I'm dumbstruck.

I feel Jamie's hand tightening around mine in terror.

Things only get worse when we realise what song our chicken daughter has chosen to serenade Noah and his wife with. She could have chosen something from a Disney movie, she could have gone with a nice hymn, she could have decided to sing a children's nursery rhyme.

She chooses none of these though. Instead, Poppy starts to sing Umbrella by Rihanna.

Why, I have no idea. Quite what an umbrella has to do with being a chicken on a tropical island is unclear, but this is the song Poppy has chosen, so we're just going to have to accept it.

'Now it's raining it's not clever!
' she sings.
'I’ll be your best friend forever! You can stand with me and my umbrella! You can stand with me and my umbrella!'

These aren't the correct words to the song, not by a long shot. But I'm less concerned with Poppy's lyrical accuracy, and more concerned with the fact she's started gyrating around in a manner completely inappropriate for a seven-year-old.

Given that Poppy only knows the chorus to Umbrella, she then switches the song up and starts to belt out Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus.

'I came in with a wrecking ball! A really big heavy wrecking ball!'

Of course, when singing Miley Cyrus, there must be twerking involved.

Yep, in front of a hundred parents, and proving what
terrible
parents Jamie and I are, Poppy starts to wobble her bottom up and down awkwardly as she sings. I knew I should have cancelled our subscription to MTV. I
knew
it!

'Oh Jesus Christ,' Jamie utters in dismay.

Poppy's twerking is greeted with a mixture of laughter and horrified gasps from the crowd. I look behind her to see all the other children standing slack jawed in amazement.

Where the hell is Carmoody? She needs to stop this!

But there is still no sign of the old woman. I can hear a load of kerfuffle going on backstage though. I hear a man's voice asking for a first aid kit, and somebody else asking if they should dial 999.

And all the while, Poppy Newman continues a medley of popular hits by today's female singers, while waving her extremities around in an inappropriate fashion. She's now moved onto Roar by Katy Perry.

Oh God, I'm going to have to stop her before she gets to Gaga.