Madness or Purpose (3 page)

Police claimed the fire destroyed any evidence that he was murdered. Something about the whole thing never sat well with me. Bullets leave holes in skulls and normal fires don’t burn hot enough to turn bones to dust, but I guess you just have to move on at some point. But like I was saying that was the night my eyes changed for the first time. As Gavin reached out to me I felt a sharp pain in my temples and my vision blurred. Gavin cocked his head to the side and his forehead got all wrinkly and his eyebrows pulled together. He asked if I was ok after I blinked a few times and I said yeah I was fine but why had he made that face?

He told me my eyes turned completely white and then when I blinked the left was sapphire and the right was silver.

Most people pegged me as a freak not solely because of my eyes, but the fact I didn’t really interact with people and I had never really had the need to pay any attention in classes to get A’s. It was like I absorbed everything through osmosis which I know is impossible, but it was the best explanation I had. People bored me to death, always droning on and on about superficial petty things. No one had character or depth. Gavin was an exception to that and there were a few others throughout life, but they always seemed to move away. So, I just kept to myself and went through the motions until graduation. I had no real desire to go to college and Gavin felt the same at least at this point. So we didn’t bother with all the applications and tests that went along with them. Other than being newly orphaned, I’d have to say my senior year was rather dull and stress less.

I gently slid my tank top off over my head and gasped at the bruises that covered my torso! It did not look like I fell into that closet; I looked like I was thrown in there and possibly even kicked a few times. When I touched the bruises with my finger tips I flinched! What the hell is going on? Why do these bruises look like they are halfway healed? Why can’t I remember anything before waking up in the closet? Should I show Gavin? Will he think I am really crazy? I mean I told him the truth back when my dad died that I was hearing voices and it scared me. It was the voices that made me try the cutting and landed me in the psych ward for a span of 3 months. Gavin said he believed me, but it was a maid at his parent’s house who found me and it was her word against mine. She insisted I had the devil in me and I was a danger to everyone!

Gavin visited me each day and treated me like normal. He only asked me about it all one time. He waived me over to sit down next to him on the bed from my perch by my window at the time. Gavin looked me in the eyes and said, “ZZ you know I love you and I would trust you with my life, but I need you to tell me what happened just one time. You know I won’t judge you and I don’t believe you would ever give into the pain I know you have been feeling.” I sighed and nodded. I had to tell him at some point and he was the only person I knew would take my word no matter what.

“Well, you know I have been having those headaches and lately I have been having very dark dreams. They are mostly images and motion. They are so real it’s as if I am there watching what is going on. I can feel the temperature of the places and smell the scents in the air. I can feel the emotions of the individuals in the dreams like they are my own. I am not even sure I am asleep when it happens. In fact, the last time, I know I wasn’t sleeping. I was sitting on the window seat when I started seeing dark shadows and started feeling this fog of anger pass over me then a wave of pain and agonizing sorrow came over me. At the same time I started to hear screaming and sobbing and things I can’t even describe. I crumpled to the floor and covered my ears, but the screams and sobbing were just as loud. I crawled to the bathroom thinking maybe I had something for a migraine in the cabinet. By the time I managed to crawl to the doorway someone started whispering. I couldn’t quite make out the words at first. As I focused through the onslaught of emotions and noise I was able to make out the words
“if you use it the pain will go away.”
I was very confused until I focused my eyes and realized I was looking in the direction of the scissors I used to trim my split ends. I slowly shook my head in disbelief and then the voice whispered,
“yes, yes just do it. You can stop all this madness.”
It felt as though my ears were bleeding and my head was literally going to explode. My nose actually began to drip blood and I crumpled onto the floor.”

“When I forced myself to say “no”, I realized the scissors were on the floor only inches from me. I had no idea how it happened or why. As I grabbed the scissors in my shaking hands it was as if I was no longer in my own body. I was watching myself and screaming at myself to stop what I was doing. I was forced to watch in horror!

I could still hear the voice in my head urging me to stop the pain and sorrow.

I shouted at it to shut up and leave me alone. As I slid the blade across my wrist I felt absolutely nothing. I began to sob silently as I watched myself begin to end my life. All I could think about was my powerlessness and how much you would hurt when I was gone. I prayed that you would walk in and stop me. I screamed for you but my mouth did not move. I didn’t want to die especially not like this, not now! As my tears turned to uncontrollable sobbing I watched my eyes stare down at the blood trickling down my arm to the tile floor. As I began to get dizzy and my head pitched backward, I heard the voice say
“peace is yours, now close your eyes forever.”
Then my eyes slowly closed and my heart slowed. I thought it was all over until I was pulled back to consciousness by the maid shrieking at me in Spanish and shaking me by the shoulders. Well, then you know the rest I guess.”

He had been concentrating very hard on every word that came from my mouth. He whispered, “can I ask you something?” “Yes”, I responded. “You said you were watching it all happen as if you were no longer inside your own body?” “Yes”, I looked down in shame. Gavin pulled me into his lap and just held me there for a while. His heart beat seemed to beat faster than normal, but the longer he held me the more it slowed down. He whispered in my ear “never give in, believe you are stronger, and remember, you always have another option. You are stronger than you appear.”

I shake my head slowly to clear the memory from my head and I finally slip off my panties and slowly get into the shower. I let the water wet my hair slowly and with my one good arm I gently wash my battered skin with my lavender body wash. The ER wrapped my stitches in a water proof bandage so I was free to let the water run down my body and rinse off all the caked on blood and dirt. I washed my hair one handed and used the wall to steady myself due to my still weak condition from the events of the previous night, loss of blood, and lack of food. The throbbing in my head begins to get worse and the light of the bathroom is suddenly brighter than it has been. I wince and clamp my eyes closed. I hear a high pitched ringing as I reach behind me to turn off the water. I manage to open my eyes just enough to get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. I use the counter to support myself as I inch towards the light. I am hit with a wave of searing pain and the ringing intensifies. From behind my eye lids I see a bright blue flash and hear glass shattering. Suddenly the lights go out and I collapse onto the floor in an unconscious heap.

Secrets and Fears

I have the pizza box in one hand and my keys and Relic’s leash in the other. I am fumbling with the keys in the lock when I hear something shatter and a loud thud. Frantically, I finally manage to get the lock to work and the door swings open. I drop the leash and kick the door shut. It’s way too quiet. Something’s not right and I begin to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Zoe, where are you?” I call out. No answer. “Zoe?”God, I hope she is just asleep. I run to her room but the door is wide open and from the door I can tell she is not in her bed.

The sheets are still balled up and the room is like ice. I open the hall closet, just to be sure. She isn’t in there either. I quickly dart down the hall to check the bathroom. I knock and hear nothing. I call out her name, “ZOE!” Still I hear nothing. I can’t open the door, it’s locked. I put my ear to the door and listen carefully. I can hear faint breathing and there is no light from under the door. I can’t tell how close she is to the door so if I kick it in I might hurt her. I left her alone less than an hour. So much is happening so fast. And I can’t seem to protect her lately. I need to be more attentive. I hope they didn’t get to her. How the hell am I going to pick the lock? There is a cake tester in the kitchen I can use to unlock the door and then I won’t accidentally hurt her! I run into the kitchen and pull out the drawer I need. In less than thirty seconds I have the cake tester in hand and I am searching for the lock mechanism inside the knob. “Click!” the door swings open as I turn the knob.

As the door swings open the light reflects off the shattered mirror and streaks of light illuminate her still body. I sigh and my shoulders slump slightly. She did this herself and she doesn’t even know it. I can’t keep this from her much longer, but there is no way to know how everything will happen or when. Her breath comes evenly and slowly. Whatever pain she may have been in she no longer feels it. I barely manage to grab the dog before she bounds into the room to lick Zoe’s face. I lug her to her kennel trying not to wake Zoe. I toss her a bone and lock her in.

I don’t know what to do about Zoe. I watch her for a moment as she sleeps on the floor. The way her hair frames her face and the light hits her porcelain skin makes her look so fragile. I know there is so much more to her than even I know, but I love her.

I don’t mean like my best friend, which she has been for practically my whole life, I love her like she is the other half of my soul. I can’t tell her, not now, maybe not ever. But if she is my other half I am hers, yet at some point she would have to feel it. Everything is going to start changing. When she finds out about everything, she may not even want me around anymore. When she finds out that I know, that I have known since the day I met her she won’t even want to look at me, let alone want to know that I would rather her kill me than be without her. I want to tell her everything, but she might think I need to be committed. From here her aura is brilliant even in its dimness. I guess it’s really not an aura, but it is the easiest thing for someone unlike me to comprehend. Individuals like me see these for every individual like us. Those unlike us are in muted grey and beige. Zoe is just like me, only she doesn’t know it. Her true identity has been hidden from her by forces I barely understand and cannot counter act. There are those who wish to harm her, to erase her from existence or at least find ways to use her for evil and there are those like me who only want the best for her and for her to know the truth of who she is, who she was born to be.

I walk back out to the living room and lay the futon down. I grab the extra couple of quilts from a closet and lay them across it to make it more comfortable. Stooping down I search through the entertainment system and pick out her favorite movie and start it. Walking back to the bathroom I hear her moan a little and she shifts on the floor. I wait for her to settle. I don’t want to wake her right now if I can avoid it. I don’t want to deal with anything at the moment. I need some time to think. I need to call Dean. He is my boss and mentor. He knows everything I can’t tell Zoe and even if he has no insight into the recent events, at least I can get it all off my chest.

Carefully I pick her up from the floor and make sure to keep the towel wrapped around her. I already laid an extra towel over her pillow to help dry her hair and so I gently lay her down.

She groans a little and her eyes move rapidly behind her eyelids. As I cover her with one of my blankets she begins to mumble. At first everything is incoherent. Then some of the words begin to make sense. “Where is he? Where have you taken him? What did you do to him? He’s no part of this. It is me you want. Just tell me what you want. I’ll give you anything. Please, please, don’t…..” Without thinking I whisper “who do they have?” “They took him, they took Gavin! I would die for him, not Gavin….” Holy crap she answered me! She is not awake, but whatever is going on is very real to her yet she hears me and responds to me. Does she know it’s me? “Zoe, what have they done to Gavin?” “I don’t know. He isn’t gold anymore. His eyes are empty. Tears are running down his cheeks. I can’t keep looking. It hurts me so much. I love him and I can’t help him. I can’t let him give his life for mine. I can’t…I can’t… I can’t… I… She rolls over and starts snoring quietly.

I have never heard her speak like this in her sleep. She definitely has never responded to me either. I don’t know if what she speaks of is a fear from her subconscious or if she knows something subconsciously that I need to worry about. She said she loved me! Holy hell! I really need to talk with Dean. This is getting crazy and frankly I am terrified. She shattered a mirror the length of the bathroom wall and now that I am looking around every piece of electronic equipment with a clock is flashing. Did she cause a power surge? I gently tuck her hair behind her ear and gasp. On her temple is a fresh burn mark? What the hell is going on? I let my fingers linger just a moment or two. Zoe looks so fragile, so delicate, yet when she sleeps and lets her guard down she always does. When she is awake she has to be some kind of warrior, it’s like she sees the world as her greatest enemy and can’t show any weakness. If she only knew just how strong she really is and that it’s the world that should be afraid of her. I try to heal what I can of her burn and leave her on the futon.

I walk to the back end of the kitchen and fish my phone out of my pocket. I quickly dial Dean’s number and it begins ringing on the other end. As the phone picks up I hear “Dean here.” “Hey, it’s Gavin.” “Hey, what’s up buddy?” “I need to chat” I said as I exhaled. “You alright kid?” Dean asks. “I’m not hurt or anything, but I need someone to bounce something off of.” I admit. “Well, shoot” Dean replied.