Making Marriage Work (34 page)

As soon as he showed that he understood why I was hurting, I could feel the pain inside me just let go and leave. Right away, I relaxed and my spirit opened back up to him. Everything was fine because he gave me what I needed more than anything. He had said, “I understand how you feel.”

That is a power-packed sentence, and if you don’t get anything else out of this book, the words “I understand how you feel” will help bear much fruit in your relationship with your spouse. Sometimes we don’t want a lecture; we just want a friend. And sometimes we just want somebody to hurt with us. We don’t always need to preach a sermon; we often need to be a sermon to someone who is in need.

UNDERSTANDING ESTABLISHES A HOME

We are to learn how to show respect to one another. Even if we don’t agree about something, I don’t have to talk to Dave like there is something wrong with him just because he doesn’t want what I want.

First Peter 3:1,2 speaks to wives saying,

In like manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives. When they observe the pure and the modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him — to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].

While men are supposed to be considerate of their wives, women are to enjoy their husbands with true admiration. If you study the meaning of all those words and compare them to the way that most people live in their homes, it won’t take long to understand why so many homes lack the fruit of peace and joy.

While men are supposed to be considerate of their wives, women are to enjoy their husbands with true admiration.

Someone needs to initiate God’s plan in the home. But which of you will be first? Just as a considerate husband would inspire adoration from his wife, a devoted wife who demonstrates deep love for her husband would evoke his “intelligent recognition and honor” for her. God says that marriage is a two-sided deal, and He has given instructions for the men and the women. It takes both people for this thing to work out properly.

Ephesians 5:33 recaps both points once again:

However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].

Something wonderful has happened to Dave and me after years of marriage. I can honestly say I would rather be with my husband than anybody. I prefer him. He treats me so well that I just love being with him. It would be awfully hard to want to prefer somebody who was always talking down to me or making fun of me or not caring anything about my needs.

Marriage is a two-way street, and Dave and I have both worked at learning to understand each other, and the more we have understood where the other is coming from, the more we seem to love each other. Understanding bears good fruit in a marriage by causing us to truly care about meeting each other’s needs. I believe that people crave to be understood and to understand others.

Understanding requires communication, listening, time, and transparency.

Understanding requires communication, listening, time, and transparency. People sometimes talk but can sense that no one is listening. If you want to understand your spouse you need to take time to listen. We have to train ourselves to really listen. I’m a talker and not a good listener by nature. If I am not careful, half the time when Dave is talking to me, I am already planning my response to something he said a long time before. And I am only listening for a pause to jump in with my point as soon as he gets quiet. That is a weakness in me, and I have had to train myself to listen to what he is saying.

It is a challenge to give somebody your full attention, but it is so important to pay attention to what your spouse is saying. Learn to look at each other when you talk, and acknowledge in some way that you are hearing what is being said. You might even practice repeating back what you believe is being said.

Transparency is difficult for many of us. A woman doesn’t always say what she really means at all. She often wants something else than what she is saying, but would rather drop hints than come right out with her needs. For example, a wife comes to her husband, obviously tired and frustrated, saying.

“I want to go on a vacation. I think we need a break, and I feel like I need some time alone with you and a change of pace. Our routine is too much for me and it’s driving me nuts. I just need a rest and want to get out of here for a while.”

She honestly doesn’t know what’s wrong with her, but she feels her frustration is begging to be pacified by going somewhere, eating something, or buying something to break her cycle of madness. So, she goes to her husband for help by suggesting a vacation.

He responds from the left side of his brain,

“We can’t afford a vacation. We only have a few hundred dollars in the bank, and we need a new lawnmower.”

A vacation isn’t logical to him when they need a lawnmower so he reinforces his point.

“You know we can’t afford to go on that vacation. Why would you even ask when you know we don’t have the money?”

His logic completely missed her emotional need.

Now she feels unloved, misunderstood, and rejected. He feels that she doesn’t understand why taking a vacation would pressure them financially, so now he is frustrated, too. Feeling inadequate to provide for her, he now wants some reassurance that she isn’t too disappointed in him. But she withdraws, and he assumes she is mad at him.

Do you recognize the scene? Neither one of them has taken enough time to understand the other person. If only we could learn to look at our spouse and recognize when something is hurting them or bothering them, and find out how to build back up their esteem. We need to learn how to trust each other more and to not always think that the other person is out to get us.

The biggest problems in relationships stem from having too much of ourselves on our minds and not enough attention on the other person. We seem to always have “us” on our minds. Love lays aside personal self-interest to attend to the other person.

A demonstration of sincere concern can be a strong building block of love. Notice each other, encourage communication, take time to dig for the truth, examine what might be really wrong. Someone once calculated that it takes five times of asking, “Why do you feel that way?” before you get to the real problem at hand. Get your spouse to open up by showing real interest. You might ask leading questions, such as,

A demonstration of sincere concern can be a strong building block of love.

“Is something wrong?”

“Did you have a bad day at work?”

“Was the traffic real heavy?”

“Honey, aren’t you feeling good?”

Or, “Is there something I can do for you; is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”

I could almost guarantee that 90 percent of the time, a loving response to a grouchy man coming through the door at night could change the whole course of your evening into something that could be beautiful.
A soft answer turns away wrath
… (Proverbs 15:1
NKJV
), but if he comes in complaining and she volleys back with the same gruff response, they are distancing themselves and missing out on God’s best for them.

I JUST NEED A FRIEND

Everyone wants companionship. We were born with the need to fill ourselves with heart-to-heart relationships that only communication can build. Take walks together; spend time just sitting beside each other. God has put an ability in every one of us to give out love.

Ask God to show you how to communicate with each other. Remember that listening more and lecturing less makes happier homes. Maybe your husband needs to sit there for just five minutes and tell you how frustrated he is with a certain situation at work. When he is opening up to you, that is not the time to tell him to watch his confession. Just listen to see if you can understand what may be causing stress in him. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth in the situation, knowing that truth always sets a person free.

God has put an ability in every one of us to give out love.

When the wife says she needs a vacation, the husband should at least sit down and listen to all the things that are overwhelming her. He could say, “O
K
, honey, talk to me a little bit. I can see something’s not right here. I want you to tell me what’s wrong.” Even if he cannot take her on a vacation, he can satisfy her need to for sympathy and reassure her that everything will be O
K
again. Most likely that is all she wanted anyway.

But ladies, we don’t live in a perfect world, and I realize that fewer husbands than wives will read this book to find out what they should be doing, so you will need to communicate your needs to your husband. God has already told us that our husbands need help. Genesis 2:18 says that God made a helper for Adam. …
I will make him a helper meet
. … The
King James Version
says, …
an help meet
.

That word “helper,” or “helpmeet,” means one who corresponds to him and one who is his completer.
³
In other words, when God gave Adam a helpmeet, the man was not complete without that woman.

So when you are overwhelmed, and you tell your husband that you need a break, tell him what you really need. Make a list and give it to him saying,

“Here is what I need from you. If you tell me that we can’t go on a vacation, then I need for you to sit and listen to all the things that are making me crazy right now.

“Then I need for you to hug me and be sorry that I feel so bad. Tell me you understand exactly how I feel and that you don’t blame me at all for being frustrated.

“Tell me that if you were in my situation, you would feel like getting away, too, and that you probably wouldn’t even be doing as good of a job at coping as I am.

“Then hug me and let me cry on your shoulder for three to five minutes before you tell me that you love me and that everything will be all right.

“Can you do that for me, honey?”

If couples could start communicating their needs, a lot of healing would take place. Dave and I have learned to validate each other’s feelings when we are down, before we try to get each other back up. Value and honor one another, and watch the power of agreement grow between you.

Value and honor one another, and watch the power of agreement grow between you.

Remember that love has its own logic that must be felt from the heart. Be loving, gentle, softspoken and not harsh; be edifying and exhortive. It would be amazing what would happen in the marriage relationship if you both could learn to say, “Honey, what can I do to be more of a benefit to you? What can I do to help you more?”

Ephesians 4:29-32 explains how we can honor and value others. Post these verses somewhere in your house where everyone will be reminded of these practical points of love.

Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [do not offend or vex or sadden Him], by Whom you were sealed (marked, branded as God’s own, secured) for the day of redemption (of final deliverance through Christ from evil and the consequences of sin).

Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind).

And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tender-hearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.

Because of the background I came out of, I had a hard, rough exterior, and it was difficult for me to learn how to be kind and gentle. The ability was in me, but I was afraid I would be taken advantage of if I softened my ways. My voice tone was so gruff, I could say the right words to Dave, but it was clear that my heart wasn’t in tune with my logic. My tone let him know that I was going to do what I was supposed to do, but my heart was not in submitting to his direction.

Colossians 3:8 says,

But now put away and rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, bad feelings toward others, curses and slander, and foulmouthed abuse and shameful utterances from your lips!

The morning I put the hand lotion on my feet and he told me not to walk on the floor, I didn’t say anything to Dave, but he saw my facial expression and heard me sigh. My facial expression said to him, “For crying out loud, what is your problem?” It all counts — words, voice tones, and facial expressions are so important in a relationship because if we don’t have the right attitude, we are not showing honor and value to the one we have been called to love.

Words, voice tones, and facial expressions are so important in a relationship.

Proverbs 18:21 says,

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life].

And Proverbs 15:4,

A gentle tongue [with its healing power] is a tree of life, but willful contrariness in it breaks down the spirit.