Making Marriage Work (36 page)

Second Timothy 2:16 says,
But avoid all empty (vain, useless, idle) talk, for it will lead people into more and more ungodliness
. We can’t avoid useless, vain thoughts that fill our heads. The enemy’s only power against us is to throw fiery darts at us to inflame our thinking against the Word of God. It is our responsibility to discern these idle, empty ideas that can steal away our inheritance and keep them from settling in our hearts. For we don’t control the thoughts that enter our head, but we can keep ungodly thoughts from taking root in our heart, for it is out of our heart that we speak what we believe.

It doesn’t take very long to find out how we feel about somebody just by listening to what we say about them and to them. Our words should demonstrate love, and if they don’t, we should ask God to create a right heart in us so that we can build up our spouse and loved ones with our words. Jesus never cut anybody down with His mouth. He told some people the truth, but He never belittled them or made fun of them.

A GODLY INFLUENCE

Proverbs 14:1 says,
Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands
. Even though men are to be the high priest and head of a household, women should never underestimate the influence they have in keeping a home and family walking in the will of God.

Titus 2:5 tells women to be
keepers at home
(
KJV
), and thank goodness the word “keeper” doesn’t just mean the one who cleans it. The Greek origin of “keeper,” as defined in
Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible
, means “a guard; be ‘ware.’”
¹
The woman is to be conscious of the home and protect it.

I used to quickly put our relationship back to zero power when I got upset over something. I could go two or three weeks without saying one word to Dave. That sounds like a long time and it was a long time. But God gave Dave real grace during that period of time to cope with my foolish hands that kept working to tear down our home. Dave knew that he could call on God’s grace to stay in a good spirit and continue to enjoy himself in spite of my actions. God’s grace to rebuild our lives and homes is still bigger than our power to tear it all down, so Dave’s faith kept our marriage in the covering of God’s blessing until I learned to draw from God’s wisdom, too.

During those foolish times of not talking to him, I was trying to drag Dave down to where I was. It would aggravate me to see that he could stay joyful in the Lord, but what I saw in Dave began to minister to me. I eventually wanted that peace that I saw in him. I wanted to be happy like he was in spite of my circumstances. I wanted to enjoy my life, too.

God brought me out of the rebellion and the upset and the self-pity that was inside of me and began to teach me how to maintain the triumph we enjoyed and how to gain the blessings that were still in store for us by trusting God and doing what He says to do.

IS MARRIAGE A 50/50 PROPOSITION?

It has occurred to me that it could sound like I am placing most of the responsibility on the woman to be the aggressor in making things right. It is no more the woman’s responsibility than the man’s; however, the larger percentage of people who read this book will probably be women. Someone has to get the ball rolling, and it has to be whoever has the information and knowledge needed to make positive changes. Don’t allow the devil to keep you from going forward by making you feel it is unfair for you to have to do all the work. Just be willing to begin and don’t even be concerned about who is doing what.

One of the problems in marriages has come from the mentality that marriage should be a 50/50 proposition. One partner thinks, “Well, I’ll meet you half way, but that is all.” If there is no response that they feel is fair, they refuse to do what is right, which then makes them as wrong as the other one. It gets to be like, “What came first — the chicken or the egg?” In many marriages it is practically impossible to tell what the real problem ever was to start with. I have learned that if one person does wrong and I come to their level to retaliate, then I am behaving no better than they are, and I am just as responsible for failed relationship.

If you are mature enough to make the decision to be the aggressor in solving whatever problems you may have in your marriage, don’t get discouraged if your partner does not change immediately. With every opportunity for progress, we also get opposition from Satan. He despises good relationships and fears the power that comes from them. Get ready for a fight. As Paul says in 1 Timothy 6:12 (
KJV
),
Fight the good fight of faith
. …

I always say that it takes us years to make our messes, and we cannot get upset if one or two good choices does not get us out of them. Consistent good choices over an extended period of time will begin to turn the situation around. If an ocean liner is told to turn around and go in the opposite direction, it cannot turn immediately; it takes time. I don’t share these things to be discouraging, but rather to be realistic. I would rather share reality with you and have you around to cross the finish line than to get you emotionally excited about possibilities that only happen rarely. A bad marriage can turn around overnight, but it usually does not happen that way.

Consistent good choices over an extended period of time will begin to turn a situation around.

By the time Dave told me that I just about had him to the point where he could not stand me, he was dealing with a lot of emotional wounds and bruises that took time to heal. I recall once asking him how he felt about me after a year had gone by of me being on what I thought was my best behavior. He said he felt better, but we still had a long way to go. I remember being discouraged and almost becoming angry with him, but thank God I kept pressing on and “little by little, day by day, from glory to glory,” we got there.

Your situation will change also, but make your mind up that you will go whatever percentage of the way you need to in order to have a marriage that will bring glory to God. Don’t allow the worldly 50/50 proposition mentality to get you to give up if you don’t get the response from your partner you desired.

Love begins with acceptance, just as God accepted us the way we were. Dave accepted me and loved me even though I wouldn’t talk to him. Love changes us. We can remodel our house, but we cannot remodel each other.

First Peter 3:3,4 explains that men are more influenced by the unfading beauty of a woman’s gentle and quiet spirit than by her outward adornment of braided hair, or the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. In other words, if we want some remodeling done in our relationships, we should focus on our own behavior. The Word says that a gentle and quiet spirit is of great worth in God’s sight. (See verse 4
NIV
.) Verses 5 and 6 (
NIV
) say,
For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Men want domestic peace; they want to come home and have a peaceful, gentle, quiet atmosphere. They have been out in the world all day, and they want to come home and have things in order. If you want to see God’s best increase in your life and home, then have that gentle, peaceful spirit which is not anxious or wrought up but is very precious in the sight of God.

THE ATTRACTION OF VISIBLE BEAUTY

I believe that women should display gentleness which has probably, more than any other virtue, been the hardest one for me to display. I have had to really pray about this to let God work with me and bring me to the point of being meek. I still have a ways to go, but I have already seen great changes in me and continue to trust God to teach me in this area.

Gentleness is of greater value than all the jewels we can hang on ourselves. It is good to visibly look our best, but so many women paint their outside and leave their inside in a mess. God is concerned with our inner life.

Attraction is not based on natural beauty, although it is obvious that some people are naturally “more beautiful” than other people based on fashion standards of the world. Natural beauty is admired, but inner beauty “attracts” a lasting attention from others. This attractiveness of a married woman reflects the glory of her husband, and he in turn reflects the glory of God Who in the end receives the honor for the goodness in our lives.

Natural beauty is admired, but inner beauty “attracts” a lasting attention from others.

Stay with me while I rebuild this statement from the other direction. First Corinthians 11:7 explains that men are …
the image and [reflected] glory of God [his function of government reflects the majesty of divine Rule]; but woman is [the expression of] man’s glory (majesty, preeminence).

When I say that a husband needs for his wife to look her best in order for him to feel good about himself, I am not talking only about natural beauty, but this inner attraction that we can carry with us. A happily married woman who has a charming, fearless approach to life makes her husband look good in the eyes of those who know them. When people see that she is at peace, beautifully adapted to her husband and family, they will think, Her husband must be really good to her for her to be so happy.

When they look at her husband to see why his home is full of peace and why his wife walks with confidence and grace, they will think, His God must be good to him for his home and family to be so blessed. Both our outward appearance (what others see) and our inner condition (what God sees) should bring honor to God through the testimony of peace that He has given to us.

Because our outer attractiveness is our first testimony to others, I believe that every woman should maintain her physical appearance as best as she can. Outer beauty is based on what we do with what we have. I believe that every person can be attractive. I always look approximately the same way. I don’t run around the house in high heels and dresses, but I don’t go around looking dumpy. I understand that when I look good, my husband and my Lord look good, for everyone can see the blessing that God’s order has put in my life.

If a woman is wanting to gain a deeper relationship with her husband and gain God’s best for their marriage, I think one of the biggest mistakes she can make is to ignore her physical attractiveness. I am a great advocate of makeup and perfume. When a woman has been cleaning house all day, and her hair is stringing down in her face, leaving her with a haggard appearance, it’s no wonder her husband’s eyes are more attracted to television. Take time before he comes home to fix yourself up and demonstrate to him that your relationship with him is a priority in your life.

I can already hear the arguments against this idea. Women say, “Well, I don’t have time to do all that, and I have all these kids to take care of.” But they can do it if they want to and if they don’t, they will be the same as women who later complain that their husbands never demonstrate any personal effort to win their love and affection. They will long for the attention that they refused to give their husbands. Attractiveness needs to be a priority in your life in order to make him feel attractive, too.

Likewise, of course, men should take care of themselves. Dave takes good care of himself for me. I appreciate that he wants to look good when he is with me. We affect each other; when I look good, he feels good about himself because I belong to him. I feel good about myself when he looks good, too. Once again, I am talking about “attractiveness” not natural beauty.

Can you imagine the romance that would begin if all the women who read this book started dressing up for the homecoming of their husbands each night? Startled husbands around the world would ask, “What are you all dressed up for?” Loving wives would say, “You, I’m just dressed up for you. I love you and I want to look my best for you.” Oh, I tell you the devil doesn’t like this idea.

There are some awesome things we can learn from the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31. She was spiritually smart and naturally skillful. She made herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing was of pure, fine linen and of colorful purple, such as was used to make clothing for the priests and hallowed cloths for the temple. Nothing is said of “natural beauty,” but her character and industrious spirit caused many people to be attracted to her life.

In other words, this lady was a sharp dresser and she had some nice stuff. There’s nothing wrong with having nice things. This fine woman takes good care of herself and her family. She is well-known for her spiritual strength and the way she handles herself. Her husband is famous and well-known because of his fine wife. People would say, “Oh, he is married to that fine woman dressed in purple who buys her family’s food at the import store.”

Ladies, we need to do all we can to enhance our husband’s reputation. Just as we need our husbands to be a good father to his children, he needs our admiration and reassurance that we are looking after the needs of the family, too. Believe it or not, in most cases he is concerned about the success of you and his children. He instinctively knows that your welfare is a reflection of his manhood and ability to provide for you.

LOVE LIFTS US TO WHERE GOD WANTS US

Your admiration of him builds his confidence to be that provider. Submission is a picture of getting underneath in order to lift up the other person. Ephesians 5:33 gives a detailed list of how we truly submit in ways that will lift him up to fame and the position that God wants him to hold. I realize that I have already pointed you to this verse earlier in this book, but I hope to bring it to the attention of wives from every possible angle until the power of it is clearly understood. I remember one time when the Holy Ghost inspired me to get a dictionary and look up every single one of the following words to understand what they all meant.

However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly].