Authors: Piers Anthony
Tags: #Fiction, #Fantasy, #General, #Princesses, #Magic, #Epic, #Fantasy fiction; American, #Xanth (Imaginary place)
I AM THE WORM, A SENDING FROM ONE WHO HAS AN
INTEREST IN YOU. I HAVE ENCHANTED YOUR COMPUTER. I
AM HERE TO SERVE YOUR NEEDS. ASK ME ANYTHING.
What was this? None of his other programs operated
this way! "Uh, your ad said you promised everything and
would enliven my life."
TRUE. NAME THE ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE YOU WISH EN-
LIVENED.
He hadn't even typed in his remark! It was as if the
thing had heard him! "Uh, social. I mean, no girl—"
WHAT GIRL DO YOU WISH?
Amazing! It really was responding to his spoken words!
"That's the problem! I really don't know any girls, and—"
CHOOSE FROM THE LIST: AGENDA, ALIMONY, ANOREXIA,
BEZOAR, BULIMIA, CONNIPTION—
"Agenda!" Grey exclaimed, realizing that the machine
could go on listing forever. How could he tell anything
from a name, anyway? So the first one would do to test
this odd program's bluff.
GO TO THE APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL.
"But that apartment's empty!" Grey protested. "No
one's rented it in ages!"
The screen rippled in a manner reminiscent of a shrug.
YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, it printed.
"Look, I'll show you!" Grey said. "It's not even
locked, because it's empty.'' He went to his door, opened
it, stepped across the hall, and opened the facing door.
A girl stood just inside the apartment. She was rather
pretty, with her brown hair tied back with a neat ribbon
and every button in place. "Oh—are you the superinten-
dent?" she asked. "The stove doesn't seem to—"
Grey swallowed his surprise. He had had no idea that
anyone was moving in! "Uh, there's a switch in back
that—I'll show you—I'm not the superintendent, just the
boy next door—I mean—" He stifled his confusion and
walked to the stove and pushed the switch. "Now it'll
work. They just didn't want it going on by accident—"
"Oh thank you!" she exclaimed. "You are so helpful!
What's your name?"
"Uh, Grey. Grey Murphy. I—I go to City College,
and-"
"Oh, how nice! I'm going there too! I'm Agenda."
He goggled at her. "Agenda?"
"Agenda Andrews. How nice to find a friend so soon!"
"A friend?" He was still bemused by the coincidence
of names. He had just chosen that one from the Worm's
list!
"Aren't you?" she asked, looking cutely troubled.
"Uh, oh, of course! The friendliest! I just—"
"Why don't we have lunch together? I'm sure you know
all the best local places."
There was another pitfall. "Uh, sure, but—"
"Dutch, of course. I wouldn't presume to impose—"
It remained awkward. He was broke until his weekly
check arrived from home. "I, uh—"
"On second thought, let's eat in," she said brightly. "I
happen to have some things with me."
"Uh, I've got half a can of beans—"
"No need." She bustled to the kitchen cupboard, which
it seemed she had already stocked. "What would you
like? I have Asparagus, bread, corn, doughnuts, eggplant,
fish—"
"Uh, doughnuts are fine." She had her shelf organized
alphabetically?
So it was that they had a nice meal of doughnuts. Before
he knew it, he had a girlfriend, and she had his whole life
organized, just about. It was great, for a few days, but
then it got on his nerves. Agenda did everything by the
number, or rather, by the alphabet. But Grey was a dis-
organized kind of guy. He didn't like having his life run
by the clock and book.
It was also apparent that Agenda's arrangements were
progressive. First they had an informal meal together. Then
Man from Mundania
22
they had a formal one. Then they went on a date: a G-rated
movie, where they held hands. Then they kissed. Then
she set an appointment for him to meet her parents.
He realized that he was on a well-organized treadmill
to marriage and a completely mundane life. He liked
Agenda, but he wasn't ready to make that commitment
yet. He was trying to break the mundane traces, and that
would be impossible with her.
"Damn!" he muttered under his breath.
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? the computer screen inquired.
The machine was always on, now; the first time he tried
to turn it off after installing the Worm program, the screen
had protested with such logic that he had backed off and
left it on. Grey was barely average in gumption too, it
seemed.
"Well, yes," he confessed. "I've got this girlfriend,
and she's nice, but she's so organized I can't stand it, and
now—"
YOU WISH TO HAVE A DIFFERENT GIRL?
"Well, I hate to say it, but—"
CHOOSE: ALIMONY, ANOREXIA, BEZOAR, BULIMIA, CA-
THARTIC, CONNIPTION—
"Anorexia!" he cut in. He knew better than to take up
with a girl called Alimony! Of course the name might not
mean anything, but why takes chances? Anorexia sounded
like a good name.
GO TO THE APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL.
"But that's where Agenda is!" he protested. "If I go
there, I just know she'll have things so organized that I'll
never get away.''
YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER.
Grey sighed. He'd just have to show the machine!
He opened his door and crossed the hall. He knocked
on the door.
It opened. There stood a strange, thin girl.
"Uh—" Grey said, amazed.
"You don't think I'm too fat, do you?" the girl inquired
anxiously. "I'm on a diet, but—"
"Uh, no, you're fine! Uh, I thought Agenda—"
Man from Mundania
23
"She moved out this morning. She said this place was
too disorganized, or something. I'm Anorexia Nervosa."
Moved out this morning? He had never suspected! What
a coincidence! "I'm Grey. Uh, you don't believe in orga-
nization?"
"Oh, no, I'm very disorganized! No discipline at all. I
keep getting fat. You don't think—"
Grey took a solid look at her. She was coat hanger thin.
"If you were any thinner, you'd look like a boy," he said.
She laughed nervously. "Oh, you're just saying that!
I'm so fat, I hate it! I thought if I lived alone, maybe I
could reduce, and look pretty."
As it turned out, this was no innocent ploy. Anorexia
truly believed she was fat, and continually dieted to make
herself thinner. It was awkward eating with her, because
she barely pecked at her food, leaving most of it on the
plate though she looked as if she were starving. He tried
to reassure her, but she simply would not believe she was
thin enough.
"I'm afraid she's going to keel over any moment from
hunger!" Grey exclaimed in the privacy of his apartment.
"Then they'll think that I'm somehow to blame."
YOU WISH A DIFFERENT GIRL?
"I guess so."
CHOOSE: ALIMONY, BEZOAR, BULIMIA, CATHARTIC,
CHLAMYDIA, CONNIPTION—
"No, no, wait!" Grey cried. He had done a smidgeon
of research in the interim, because of his association with
Anorexia, and so had a notion what to expect from Bu-
limia, Bezoar, Conniption, or Cathartic.
DYSLEXIA, EMETIC, EMPHYSEMA, ENIGMA, EUPHORIA—
"Dyslexia!" he cried, realizing that the computer would
not stop until he made a choice.
GO TO THE—
"I know!" He opened his door, crossed the hall, and
knocked.
Sure enough, a new girl was there. She was a blue-eyed
blonde, and looked neither fat nor thin. "Oh, you must
be the nice young man across the hall!" she exclaimed.
"Anorexia told me—"
24
Man from Mundania
Man from Mundania
25
"Uh, yes. Uh, you don't have any hang-ups about eat-
ing, do you?"
She blinked in cute surprise. "Why no. Should I?"
Dyslexia seemed like the perfect girl. Then he discov-
ered that she couldn't read. There was something wrong
with her eyes or with her brain, so that she saw things
backwards or upside down. She had managed to finesse
her way through classes, for she was bright enough and
had good legs, but it was a chore to get through a written
homework assignment. He had to read the material to her
and correct her odd errors of writing. This soon became
tedious.
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?
There was the Worm again! "I like her, but—"
The screen printed the list of names. Grey knew better
than to choose Emetic or Euthanasia, and wasn't sure about
Enigma, so he chose Euphoria.
Euphoria was luscious. Her black hair swirled down
around her cleavage like a living thing, and her eyes were
hypnotically intense. She was extremely friendly, too. But
very soon he discovered what she was into. "But I don't,
uh, do the drug scene!" he protested.
"Try it, you'll like it," she urged, proffering a cigarette
of strange design. "This stuff will send you to the moon
and stars, and you will float for eternity!"
That was exactly what he was afraid of. He fled.
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?