Authors: Piers Anthony
Tags: #Fiction, #Fantasy, #General, #Princesses, #Magic, #Epic, #Fantasy fiction; American, #Xanth (Imaginary place)
which she knew was necessary, because here things did
not grow on trees. Well, she had the cent—but she cer-
tainly wasn't going to use that for money!
She would have to have help. That meant Grey—if he
would do it. Well, she would just have to ask him.
She stood, adjusting her blouse and skirt. This Mun-
dane clothing wasn't as good as Xanth clothing; it chafed
and wore. But it had to do. She was just lucky that Agenda
had been about her own size!
She went to the door and out and across, and knocked
on Grey's door. In a moment he answered.
"Grey, I need to ask you—" she began.
"Xbju—xfsfjoup hjccfsjti bhbjo!" he exclaimed, turn-
ing away.
Oh. He must have turned off the Pewter device again.
He would have to turn it on again before they could con-
verse.
Even as she realized that, she had a notion. "Wait!"
she said, catching his arm. For there was a point she
wanted to make while Pewter wasn't watching.
He paused. "Xibu?"
She smiled, turning him gently around to face her
squarely. Then she leaned forward and kissed him, not
hard.
She drew back. He stood as if stunned. "Zpv'sf opu
nbe bu nf?" he asked, amazed.
"It's all right. Grey," she said, smiling. Then she in-
dicated Pewter.
Dazedly, he walked to the machine and touched the but-
ton that turned him on. In a moment the screen came to
life.
IF YOU PERSIST IN THIS FOOLISHNESS—the screen
printed.
"Well, you aggravated me," Grey retorted. "But now
I need to talk to Ivy."
OF COURSE.
Grey made as if to return to her room, but Ivy held up
a hand in negation. "It's all right if Pewter listens," she
said. "I'll need to talk to him in a moment anyway."
NATURALLY, the screen said smugly.
She faced Grey. "I believe I am in Mundania," she
said. "I need to return to Xanth. Will you help me?"
"But-"
"But you don't believe in Xanth," she said. "But would
you believe if I showed you Xanth?"
"You see, I think I know how to get there. But I need
help. If you will come with me, and talk to people when
I can't—"
40
Man from Mundania
Man from Mundania
41
"Oh, of course," he agreed.
She faced the screen. "Com-Pewter, you knew I was
coming, didn't you?"
YES.
"And you know where I'm from."
YES.
"Will you tell Grey where I'm from?"
YES.
"Uh, you have to tell it," Grey said. "It takes things
literally."
"Tell him," she said.
PRINCESS IVY IS FROM XANTH.
Grey stared. "You say that? But how can a machine
believe in fantasy?"
WHEN IT IS TRUE.
"You see, we could have asked him all along," Ivy
said. "Pewter, why am I here?"
GREY NEEDS YOU MOST.
"But what about Good Magician Humfrey?"
I KNOW NOTHING OF HIM.
So it was the curse! She hadn't been sent to Humfrey,
but to the Mundane most in need of her company. Yet a
mystery remained. "Pewter, why are you here?" she
asked.
TO FACILITATE YOUR ENCOUNTER.
"But you don't care anything about me!" she protested.
IRRELEVANT STATEMENT.
So Pewter wasn't telling. She wasn't surprised. She con-
sidered herself lucky that he had cooperated to this extent.
She turned again to Grey. "If you will help me, I will
show you Xanth," she said.
Grey evidently remained bemused by Pewter's endorse-
ment of her origin. He might not believe, yet, but at least
he was having more trouble disbelieving. That was prog-
ress of a sort. "I'll, uh, help you if I can."
"You will have to guide me to No Name Key."
"To what?"
A KEY SOUTH OF FLORIDA, the screen said helpfully.
"But that's far away from here! How—"
HITCHHIKE.
"But my classes! I can't skip—"
CHOOSE: IVY OR FRESHMAN ENGLISH.
Grey was taken aback. "Well, if you put it that way—"
YOU HAVE VIRTUALLY NO APTITUDE FOR SCHOLARSHIP.
Grey became suspicious. "You act as if you want me
logo!"
YES. THEN MY ASSIGNMENT WILL BE COMPLETED.
Ivy, too, was suspicious. "What is your assignment?"
TO GET GREY MURPHY INTO XANTH.
Grey shook his head. "I don't believe this!"
YOUR BELIEF IS IRRELEVANT. TURN ME OFF WHEN YOU
DEPART.
"This is absolutely crazy!" Grey exclaimed. "My com-
puter wants me to go into a delusion!''
"You understand," Ivy reminded him, "we won't be
able to talk intelligibly to each other until we get to Xanth.
I will have to keep my mouth shut in Mundania."
"But we can't go, just like that! My father—"
"Look at it this way," Ivy said. "If we don't find Xanth,
you can come back here in a few days, and Pewter will
have to help you pass all your classes, so your father
doesn't find out and turn him off forever. But if we do find
Xanth—"
Grey got his wits about him. "Let's say, for the sake of
nonsensical argument, that we find it and you go there—
where does that leave me? Alone again, and far from
home, and in trouble when I get home!"
"You're welcome to come into Xanth with me," Ivy
said. "I thought that was understood. But I assumed you
wouldn't want to."
"I, uh, if you go there, I want to go there too. Even if
it is crazy."
Ivy smiled. "You might like it—even if it is crazy."
Grey shrugged, defeated. "When do we start?"
"Now," Ivy said, delighted.
"Now? But—"
NOW, the screen said.
Grey tried to marshal another protest, but Ivy smiled at
him, and he melted. She had seen Nada stifle Dolph sim-
42
Man from Mundania
ilarly; it was nice to know that such magic worked, even
in Mundania.
"Now," Grey agreed weakly.
They delayed only long enough to pack some clothes
and food, because neither grew on trees in drear Mun-
dania. Then they set off.
Hitchhiking turned out to be a special kind of magic: a
person put out one thumb, and it caused the moving ob-
jects called cars to stop. Some of them, anyway. Cars
turned out to be hollow inside, with comfortable seats and
belts to hold the people down in case they bounced out.
Each one had at least one person riding in it, and seemed
to go more or less where that person wanted. But there
were obstacles: glowing lights hung above the car path and
flashed bright red the moment any car approached. Then
the driver muttered something under his breath that
sounded villainous even in gibberish and fumed for half a
minute before the light changed its mind and flashed green.
The driver would start up, his car's round feet squealing—
only to be similarly caught by the next flashing red light.
Ivy wished she could understand the purpose of this magic,
but suspected it would not make much sense even if she
had been able to comprehend the dialect.
Several car rides later, night was falling, as it did in
Mundania much the way it did in Xanth. Apparently the
sun feared darkness just as much here, for it was nowhere
to be seen as the night closed. They stopped hitchhiking
and ate some beans from Grey's can, then looked for a
place to spend the night.
Grey was somewhat confused about this, so Ivy took
over. They were at the edge of a big village—called a
town, as she remembered—and sure enough, there was a
barn. "Cvu xf dbo'u kvtu—" Grey protested, hanging
back. So she kissed him again and led him by the hand
around to the back, where she found a door. Inside was a
loft filled with hay, just as she had expected.
But instead of leaving the hay all nice and fluffy and
loose, the idiotic Mundanes had somehow compacted it
into cubes! So it was all hard and bumpy. But they were
Man from Mundania
43
able to scrape together wisps and make a serviceable bed.
She made him lie down, then she lay down beside him
and spread their jackets over them as blankets, as well as
more hay. It was comfortable enough.
Once Grey realized what she was about, he cooperated
readily enough. Side by side, they fell asleep.
Next day they got up, dusted off the hay, and sneaked
out of the barn unobserved. Ivy was hungry, and knew
Grey was too, but realized that it was better to get moving
early than to pause for more beans. What a relief it would
be to get back to Xanth where there was good food for the
taking!
The cars zoomed by without stopping, despite the magic
of the thumb. Obviously even this limited spell was not
reliable, in Mundania. Grey muttered something unintel-
ligible, but she understood the gist: the people in the magic
vehicles were all in such a hurry that none could pause to