Man From Mundania (50 page)

printed dialogue, and it seemed increasingly as if he ac-

Man from Mundania

230

tually heard them speak. The scene became real for him,

as was often the case when he watched movies.

"But I'm getting tired!" the woman protested. "I'm not

used to terrain like this!"

"What do you want, woman—for me to carry you?" he

demanded irately. "I'm tired myself!"

"Only to slow the pace a little. Look, we can't possibly

get all the way to Xanth border afoot without resting; it

will be better to set a pace we can maintain so we can go

farther without collapsing."

The man considered. "You are correct." He slowed the

pace.

TIME PASSES, the screen said, the picture fading out.

Then it showed the two emerging into daylight. They were

obviously both quite fatigued. They fetched some sodden

pillows from a defunct pillow bush and lay down to rest

and then to sleep.

It was early morning, and evidently cold. There were

no blankets, and the pillows were falling apart. Finally

they embraced, not with any passion but to conserve their

body warmth, and slept.

TIME PASSES.

The next scene showed the two back on their feet, be-

draggled but moving better. They found stray items of

food, snatching spoiling pies from bushes and eating as

they traveled.

Then they encountered the Gap Chasm.

"We forgot about this!" the woman exclaimed, ap-

palled. In that moment in the bright daylight, she looked

almost familiar, but Grey could not quite place the con-

nection. Certainly he had known no one in Xanth then;

he hadn't been alive!

"Naturally," the man agreed gruffly. "That idiot det-

onated the most powerful Forget Spell ever forged in it; it

will be centuries before that dissipates, if ever."

The woman nodded grimly. "The same idiot who intro-

duced Millie the Maid to the Zombie Master. I would have

married him, in due course, if he hadn't been smitten by

her! How could a Magician fall for a nothing like her?"

"The Zombie Master and Millie the Ghost!" Ivy ex-

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claimed. "They did live in that time, before they came to

ours!"

The man smiled. "She had a talent. She needed nothing

else."

"Oh, yes—the talent of sex appeal! But she'd be just as

drab as I am now, if she were here without her magic!"

The man eyed her. "Indubitably true. Now don't mis-

understand me; I regard you as a bad attitude that walks

like a girl, but physically you are not drab."

"Well, the same to you! Who are you to talk? Every-

thing you touch fouls up! But you're hardly ugly, physi-

cally."

"Oh?" he inquired, annoyed. "Well, things are supposed

to foul up; that's my talent. And not only are you not drab,

you are in fact quite shapely, in your fashion."

"Is that so?" she demanded angrily. "You are the worst

villain on the scene! But actually you're handsome!"

It was obvious by the man's sinister expression that he

intended to strike back at her hard. "I would even go so

far as to call you beautiful," he said with calculated af-

front. "Only those rags you're in detract."

She was almost speechless with rage. She tore off her

remaining clothes and stood naked. "Well, now I'm out

of these rags: I dare you to repeat that!"

"I repeat it," he said nastily, eying her thoroughly so

as to be absolutely certain. "I had supposed that you used

your talent to reshape your body to better advantage, but

I know now that you came by it naturally. You can't claim

the excuse of Sorceress-level enhancement.''

"I'm no Sorceress!" she screamed in his face. "You

think everybody is Magician level like you?"

"That is a matter of opinion. I have a right to mine.

Your magic is Sorceress level."

The woman opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

She jumped at him, clawing at his chest, but succeeded

only in ripping away much of his own tattered clothing.

Then he caught her wrists and held her helpless. "Fur-

thermore," he said, his face close to hers, "you think you

lack sex appeal, but last night when we slept embraced for

232 Man from Mundania

warmth it was all I could do to refrain from taking advan-

tage of you."

"Well, why didn't you?" she cried. "It's your business

to foul things up! Do you foul yourself up too, so you

can't even do wrong by a woman in your power?"

"I foul things up magically," he retorted. "This had

nothing to do with magic! You have natural sex appeal,

deny it as you will!"

"Well, you have it yourself, so there! You know what I

think? I think that, deny it as you will, you have a fun-

damentally decent streak in you! Otherwise, last night—I

mean it isn't as if I would have resisted!"

They stood there, chest to chest, each angrier than the

other. "You female dog!" he said. "I have half a mind

to—"

"So do I! So do I, you male dog!" she retorted.

"You probably wouldn't even slap me if I kissed you,

you shameless creature."

"I dare you to kiss me, you hypocrite!"

Their lips met. He tried to sneer to show how little he

cared; she tried to make mush lips to show how indifferent

she was. They both bungled it badly in their fury. The kiss

lasted a long time, and the shameful truth was that it was

a rather intense and effective example of its breed.

"Understand, I have no respect for you at all," he told

her after the long moment. His hair was ruffled and his

face was flushed, as if he had just been exposed to a truly

repulsive experience. "I am doing this only because the

sight and feel of your body overwhelms my better judg-

ment."

' 'Your embrace destroys any judgment I have!'' she shot

back. Her eyes were sparkling and her cheeks had what

would have been rosy highlights in a color scene, as if she

had just experienced something too awful to recognize. "I

detest what you are making me so eager to do!"

"I will be thoroughly disgusted with myself tomor-

row," he said ominously.

"I will feel totally without virtue, tomorrow," she re-

plied grimly.

233

Man from Mundania

"Just to be quite certain we understand how bad this

is," he said, "we had better try it another time."

"Just so we never so far forget ourselves as to make this

mistake again," she agreed.

They kissed again, and sure enough, it was even worse

than before. Both of them were breathless when it fin-

ished, their chests heaving as if they had been running.

"I am appalled to think that I am doing this with you,"

he said, holding her more closely than was necessary for

support. "With anyone else it could be worthwhile."

"Well, I'm not taking this lying down," she said, dis-

engaging so she could lie down.

He joined her. "And when I realize that we could have

been making good our escape from Xanth, instead of

wasting our time like this—"

"Or catching up on our rest," she added, putting her

arms around him. "There has probably never been any-

thing quite as foolish as this!"

"Especially considering that we detest each other." He

drew her in quite close.

"And want nothing so much as never to see each other

again," she agreed, stroking his back.

"This entire business is disastrous!"

"A complete catastrophe!"

They kissed yet again, both shuddering with the disgust

they felt for this outrage.

"Say, this is getting hot!" Grundy said zestfully.

"Watch your mouth!" Rapunzel snapped, jumping

down to approach him menacingly.

"Listen, hairball—" he started, meeting her.

They laughed, embracing.

Something had been nagging Grey as he watched the

screen. Now he realized what it was: Grundy and Rapun-

zel's joke! Acting as if they hated each other—that was

what this episode of the man and woman was like!

Then something strange happened. It took Grey another

moment to figure it out. Color was appearing on the

screen!

"I thought Pewter couldn't handle color!" Ivy said.

Man from Mundania

234

"I didn't know Pewter could handle pictures!" Grundy

said. "It was always just print, before."

"You're missing the best part," Rapunzel murmured.

Grey's gaze snapped back to the screen. "What are they

doing?" he asked, amazed.

"We aren't supposed to tell you," Rapunzel said. "Ever

since we joined the Adult Conspiracy."

Then the scene changed. It showed a snoozing big-beaked

bird suddenly waking, as if jolted by an unexpected call.

"They're summoning the stork!" Ivy exclaimed, catch-

ing on. "And it just got the message! I never knew how

it was done!"

"You are losing your innocence," Rapunzel said sadly.

The picture returned to the man and woman. They had

just realized something themselves. "The magic has re-

turned!" she exclaimed. And there, Grey realized, was