Authors: Amber Garza
One thing I wanted was for Lennie to experience everything she desired in this life. I didn’t want her to regret anything. To leave anything undone or unspoken. Even though I didn’t have much money, I was determined to make all her dreams come true.
That was another reason why I was working so hard to finish my book. I knew she wanted to read it. She’d told me many times. And, the truth was, I wanted her to read it too. I couldn’t wait to hear her feedback. To know if she loved it. I was sure she would. She was my muse, after all.
But I wasn’t naïve enough to think that my book was the only thing she wanted. We were only in our twenties. There were so many things we hadn’t done. So many things yet to experience. I was a homebody. Not a risk taker or adventurer at all, and yet, I had things on my bucket list. Things I hoped to do one day.
Therefore, I knew Lennie must also, even though she kept denying it.
“I told you,” she said, when I asked her for the thousandth time. “I don’t have a bucket list.”
“C’mon, there must be something.”
When she started to shake her head, I grabbed her around the middle and tickled her waist. We had been lying on the couch together, and I had been reading her one of my favorite scary novels. I loved reading scary books to her because she’d press her face into my chest at the scary parts, squeal into my shirt. It was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen. But now I discarded the book onto the ground and continued tickling her. A stream of laughter flew out of her mouth as she kicked and flailed.
“Stop it,” she squealed, but it was in a fun way. A way that told me she didn’t want me to stop. Besides, she was laughing so hard it was clear she wasn’t in pain.
“I will when you tell me something on your bucket list.”
“I don’t…” laugh, gasp. “have…” another squeal. “one.”
“It doesn’t have to be an actual list.” We rolled over until I was straddling her. My fingers moved up to her armpits. Now she was really laughing. “Just something you still want to experience. Something you don’t want to miss out on.”
She shoved at my hands, continued to kick. “Fine,” she finally choked out. “I’ll tell you.” I stopped tickling her, and she breathed out loudly. Her face was slick with sweat. I brushed away a strand of hair that stuck to her cheek and then started to slide off of her. But she reached up, held me in place. “If you had asked me this question when I was younger, you know, before I got sick, I’m sure I would’ve had a ton of answers. And they probably would’ve been crazy.” She grinned, her eyes sparkling in the dimly lit room. It was night, and the only light I had on was the lantern on the end table. “I would’ve probably said that I wanted to go skydiving or something like that. But now the thing I want is much simpler than that.”
“What is it?” I asked, waiting anxiously.
“I want you,” she commanded. Grabbing the collar of my shirt, she pulled me down on top of her. I tumbled forward, falling until my chest was flush against hers. She was pinned beneath me, my legs caging her in. Her lips fastened to mine, her fingernails raking over my chest as they traveled downward. Panic clawed at me the lower her hands got.
Oh, no.
It was happening again
. My throat closed up, my breath filling up my lungs.
I latched onto her arm. “Lennie, stop.”
She did, and it should have made me feel better. Relieved. But I felt like a jerk. How many times would she allow me to reject her? She deserved more than this.
Reaching out, I stroked her face. “I want you, Lennie. More than you’ll ever know. I just don’t know if I can give you this. At least not right now.”
“It’s okay.” She gave me a one-sided grin. “I wasn’t referring to sex, exactly, when I said I wanted you. What I meant was that I wanted this. I wanted us.” Her fingers played with the edge of my shirt sleeve. “I always wanted to be loved. To be with someone who would stick with me in sickness and in health. In good times and bad.”
“Sounds familiar. Almost like vows or something,” I joked. Then sobered up, realizing what she was saying. “Oh. You wanted to get married?”
Her face screwed up, her lips pursing. “Don’t worry. I’m not asking you to marry me.”
“I would,” I told her honestly. “I would be honored to marry you.”
She shook her head, a large smile sweeping over her features. “Just knowing that you would is enough. Just knowing that you love me no matter what. That you’d do anything for me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I would, Lennie. I would do anything for you.”
She paused, studying my face. Her eyes followed her fingers as she touched my face, as she traced my chin and cheek, my nose and lips. I scarcely breathed. “I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Colin.”
It was the words I’d dreamt of hearing since I was a teenager. I didn’t simply hear them. I felt them as they washed over me. And they felt as good as I thought they would. Better, even.
The next morning Lennie went home.
I was grateful for her confession the night before. If she hadn’t admitted to loving me, I would’ve assumed she went home because she had tired of me. Tired of having to deal with my baggage and my inability to be with her in the way she desired. Still it was hard to see her leave. I knew she’d be back. In fact, I was certain that by the time I returned from the coffee shop she’d be waiting for me. She assured me that she was only picking up some things, checking in with her parents. And I wanted to believe her.
But ever since she walked out the door of my apartment, I kept picturing what I’d seen at her house. I kept picturing him.
And it caused my stomach to churn.
Reaching my coffee mug, I forced away the thoughts. I wouldn’t go there. I couldn’t. For Lennie’s sake, I had to let this go. If I had any hope of us being together, I had to figure out a way to get past this.
After taking a sip of my coffee, I set it down on the round table. I was only one chapter away from finishing my novel. It seemed surreal. It was something I’d wanted to do my entire life. Years ago I tried, but never got this far. I think I wrote a hundred pages before I abandoned the project.
Of course, there were reasons for that. And at this point I was glad I hadn’t completed it.
But this time nothing would stand in my way. I had every intention of writing
The End.
Giddiness spread through me at the thought. Determined, I hunched over my keyboard, set my fingers on the keys. Scanning the document, I read back over the last paragraph to refresh my memory of where I’d left off. I’d gotten distracted with a couple who brought in a baby a few minutes ago. The infant wouldn’t stop screaming, despite the mom and dad’s best efforts. Normally I would have just put in headphones and ignored it. But once I caught a glimpse of the baby’s face squished into its pastel blue hat, I thought of Amelia and her pregnancy. I stared at the child wondering what the draw was. Having a baby didn’t seem like fun. It seemed like a death sentence. The way the couple hurriedly tried and failed to quiet the child made me feel sorry for them. It certainly didn’t make me want to be them.
Then again, they probably didn’t understand why I chose to sit in front of a computer all day typing words on a screen. This manuscript was my baby. It had been created by me. And I loved it. Perhaps, if I had a child of my own, one with my dark hair and eyes, I’d love him or her even more than I did this book. I tried to imagine how much more I’d love the child if he or she had Lennie’s features mixed in too. And for the first time I sort of understood. Not completely, but at least more than I did before.
But now the couple was gone, and the rest of the patrons were relatively quiet, lost in their own worlds. So I did the same, my fingers flying over the keys, penning the resolution to my story. Getting swept up in it, I typed faster and faster, the words pouring from my mind, down my arms and through my hands.
I lost myself in the fictional world. For awhile it was like I left the coffee shop, like my characters were alive, like I no longer existed. My story became more real than this coffee shop, than this life.
It wasn’t until a familiar scent wafted under my nose that the spell was broken, that I came out of my trance. I’d know that smell anywhere, even if I could never describe it with words. Floral was what first came to mind, but I knew that didn’t do it justice. The scent was so much more than that. My fingers stopped, and I glanced up. Sure enough, Lennie stepped inside the coffee shop.
The minute my eyes landed on her, I knew something was wrong.
She didn’t look right. Her face was too pale, her hands trembled too much, she moved too slowly. As she deliberately stepped forward, I saw her head drop to the side, saw her eyes roll back in her head, and that’s when I knew my intuition had been correct.
“Lennie?” I called out, standing up abruptly.
She blinked, attempting to hone in on me. I saw her gaze reach me from across the room, but it was unfocused, glassy. I’d seen that look before, and it caused a bud of panic to bloom in my chest. “Lennie!” I shouted, lunging forward and racing in her direction.
I got to her in the nick of time. Her body slumped forward, like she was nothing more than a doll. One of those soft ones my sister used to have. I remembered her carrying them around in her arms like they were real children. She fed them, rocked them, sang to them, kissed their foreheads. I’d always found it puzzling. How you could love something that wasn’t real?
Throwing out my arms, Lennie fell into them. Wrapping them around her, I gathered up her frail body. She appeared thinner than before, but I knew that couldn’t be right. Hoisting her up, I clutched her to me. Her arms and legs dangled, her head hung back. She was lighter than air.
A frenzy of activity happened all around me. People who had been talking on phones or typing on their computers all sprang into action.
“I’ll call nine-one-one,” a woman yelled, snatching up her phone.
“You need help?” A man yelled.
There were so many other voices, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. And I didn’t care. I only cared about Lennie. About making sure she was all right. Fear snaked around my heart at the fact that she wasn’t moving.
“Lennie?” I whispered her name over and over again, but she never responded. Grabbing up her wrist, I frantically felt for a pulse. When I found one, I almost cried out in relief. But it was faint. Way too faint.
I heard the lady on the phone with nine-one-one rattling off the coffee shop’s address. But I knew I couldn’t wait for an ambulance. We were directly across from the hospital. I could run and get there faster. And that’s what I had to do.
“It’s okay, Lennie,” I promised her. “You’re gonna be okay.”
Holding her tightly in my arms, I stepped forward.
“Where are you going?” The woman asked. “I just called nine-one-one. An ambulance is on its way.”
“I can’t wait,” I called without looking back. When I reached the doors, I attempted to open it with my shoulder.
“You know her?” The woman called, as if worried this was a kidnapping or something equally ridiculous.
“Yes,” I said. It was all I was giving her. I didn’t have time to sit here and explain myself. The woman I loved was unconscious.
A man scrambled to my side, pushed open the door. I stepped outside. Then I hurried as fast as I could across the street. Lennie’s body jostled in my arms and I whispered repeated apologies. But I couldn’t stop. Not until I knew she was safe.
Luckily, the emergency room was right at the front of the hospital. My arms burned, and my breath came out labored as I approached the double doors. And that’s when the familiar fear snaked around my heart, squeezing tight. The dreaded memories were right at the edge of my mind threatening to hop in and take center stage. But I wouldn’t let them. Not now.
This was not the time to lose it.
This was not the time to let fear take over.
Lennie was too important. I wouldn’t let her die because I was too damn scared to face my fears.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped inside the hospital.
“I need help!” I screamed.
All eyes turned to me. A nurse scurried toward us, shouting instructions to those around her. Before I knew it, Lennie had been taken from my arms, laid on a bed and wheeled down the hallway. A nurse demanded information, and I gave her as much as I could. Told her everything I knew about Lennie’s cancer and all about how she’d passed out in the coffee shop.
Afterward, I asked if I could go back to see her, but they wouldn’t let me. Told me they could call me later and give me an update. At that point I was too weary to be upset. Besides, I’d dealt with doctors and nurses before, and I knew how it went. I knew I’d never get my way. If they didn’t want me to see Lennie, I wouldn’t.
Besides, I didn’t think I could help Lennie by staying here anyway.
There was only one way to help her now.
Only one thing I could do.
Turning around, I left the hospital, my mission clear.
I was preparing to head back to the hospital to see Lennie when there was a knock on the door. Perplexed, I paused, wondering who it could be. No one but Lennie showed up out of the blue, and it couldn’t be her. Could it? I peered down at my phone, but there hadn’t been any missed calls. Therefore, I was certain she hadn’t been released yet. Furrowing my brow, my gaze flickered to my newly printed manuscript sitting on the kitchen table next to my keys. It’s what I had come home to do – finish the book. I believed that Lennie would make it. That by the time I went back to the hospital she’d be fine, sitting up laughing and talking like always. I told myself over and over that passing out was nothing more than a temporary setback. But regardless, it gave me the push I needed to get that last scene finished. Now I planned to present it to Lennie at the hospital. To give her the one thing I’d promised her for months.
I didn’t have time for whoever it was at the door, so I stood still waiting for them to leave. But they didn’t. They knocked louder.
Perplexed, I hesitantly opened it. When I saw who was standing there, my stomach sank. Inwardly, I groaned.
“What are you doing here, Ray?” He never came over unannounced. Hell, he never came over at all.
“Your mom sent me.” He stepped inside, walking past me like he belonged here. It irritated me. “She’s worried about you. You haven’t come over for dinner in the last couple of weeks. You’re not returning her phone calls.” His gaze swept my apartment, and my insides knotted.
I closed and opened my fists in agitation. Ray walked slowly forward, glancing around. My pulse quickened. His shoulders tensed when he reached the kitchen table. His arm shot forward, and he snatched something up. I swallowed hard, knowing what it was.
“Who’s this?” Ray spun around, flashing the photograph in my direction.
Anger sparked inside of me like a lit match. I hated him for being here, for going through my stuff, for asking about her.
“Colin?” He stepped toward me, his eyes so dark they were almost black. “Who is she?”
I backed up. “Lennie.”
Ray’s brows furrowed. He stared down at the photograph in his hand. “So your mom was right. There is a girl in your life.”
Breathing deeply, I stared at him. He might have felt like he had the right to march in here and go through my stuff, but he couldn’t make me talk.
“This is a mistake, Colin,” Ray spat, tossing the photo down on the table. It fluttered in the air like a butterfly before landing. “And you need to put an end to it right now.”
“But I care about her,” I said. Then clamped my mouth shut, wishing I’d kept quiet. Arguing with Ray never worked. Besides, the less he knew, the better.
“You’re not capable of that.” Ray glared at me. “You may have your mom fooled, but not me. I know exactly what happened with that girl in college, and I won’t let you do it again to this one.”
That was it. The last straw. I lunged at him, shoving him into the table. His eyes widened in shock. He grunted when his spine hit the chair. Staggering backwards, I stared down at my hands. Had I really done that? The room bent around me. I blinked.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Ray stumbled away from the table, rubbing his back. “I wonder what your mom will say when I tell her what you just did. Think she’ll still want to believe the best about you?”
I felt sick. Mom was always on my side. But I’d never lost my temper like that with Ray. Would she still side with me if she knew? I didn’t even want to speculate. I wanted to leave and go be with Lennie. She was probably wondering where I was.
“I-it was an accident,” I stammered. “A-a-and you started it.”
Ray shook his head. “You’ve always been full of excuses.”
I was tired of his accusations. Tired of this conversation. “I have to go.” Snatching my manuscript and my keys off the kitchen counter, I marched to the front door.
“Where are you going?’
“I’m an adult. I don’t have to tell you.” I stood in the doorway staring at the ground. Silently I willed him to leave.
He walked toward me, his shadow painting my body. “You’re not going to see that girl, are you?”
I kept my mouth shut the way I should’ve done from the beginning. He goaded me before, but I wouldn’t let it happen again.
“Colin, answer me, dammit!”
I flinched, but didn’t lift my head.
“You know what happened the last time.”
My head snapped up. Why did he keep bringing that up? “That was different.”
Ray cocked one eyebrow. He jammed his index finger into my chest. “You leave this girl alone, you understand?”
Gritting my teeth, I shoved his finger away. I wasn’t a kid anymore. He didn’t have the right to tell me what to do. His bullying days were over. This knowledge gave me a surge of power. “I will do what I want.” I stepped out of the apartment. When he followed me, I slammed the door shut and raced down the walkway. His footsteps pounded behind me.
“Colin,” he called. But it was no use. I was faster. There was a time when he was faster and stronger than me. But now he was old. For once I had the upper hand. “I’m not bailing you out this time, Colin!”
With his words trailing me, I ran to my car.
Clutching the stack of papers under my arm, I hurried through the double doors of the hospital. I passed nurses who walked with fast, clipped strides, and doctors wearing crisp white lab coats. Everyone appeared stoic, somber. My heart pinched. I hated that Lennie was here. I wished I could scoop her up and carry her out the front doors. But I knew that wasn’t possible. This was the best place for her right now.
Rounding the corner, the pages fluttered against my side, and it caused my lips to curve slightly at the corners. If I couldn’t take Lennie home, at least I could bring her something to brighten her day. Something to help her escape, even just momentarily.
Keeping my head down, I fought against the panic that started to take root in my stomach.
“Colin, we need to talk,” the doctor’s voice said, and his hands motioned me over. “I can help you.”
Taking a deep breath, I shook my head hoping that the simple act would cause the memories to fade. I had to be here for Lennie. She needed me. I couldn’t afford to have an anxiety attack right now. She’d warned me so many times that this could happen, but I promised her that nothing would keep me away. That nothing would keep me from loving her. And I had to keep that promise.
I approached a desk with a woman sitting behind it. Inhaling through my nose and out through my mouth, I gathered courage. Then I stepped forward bravely. “I-I- um…”
Pull it together, Colin.
“I’m looking for Lennie Samson’s room.”
She typed something on the computer in front of her with fake nails so long I wondered how typing was even possible. How she wasn’t hitting random keys. “Are you a family member?”
Heat crept up into my cheeks. “N-no,” I stammered.
“I’m sorry sir. Only family is allowed to visit her.”
My heart dropped. I’d come all this way, forced myself to face my fears, and I wasn’t going to be able to see her. I was about to argue, to beg the woman to let me back when a hand clamped down on my shoulder.
“Bummer that they won’t let you back to see her,” a voice said. “But don’t worry. Her mom is with her now. Hopefully she’ll be out with news soon.”
Placing the voice, my insides coiled, my shoulders and back going rigid. I hated that he was touching me. That he was acting like we were friends. Shaking away his hand, I spun around, coming face to face with him.
“Colin, right?” He said.
Feeling numb, I nodded.
“Rob.” He stuck out his hand, offering it to me.
I looked at it briefly, but didn’t take it.
What was he doing here?
“How did you know who I was?”
He shrugged. “Heard you asking for Lennie, so I made an educated guess. Nurses told us the name of the person who brought her in. Said you might be back. I was hoping you would be because I wanted to thank you for taking care of Lennie. And I don’t just mean today. She’s told me about you, and I…I appreciate you being there for her.”
He said that like I was doing him a favor. Since when did he have any claim to her? He left her awhile ago. She didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Annoyance was building inside my chest like a wall of bricks stacking up. I fought to breathe evenly. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but more than anything I wanted to ignore him. To pretend he didn’t exist. Too bad that was impossible since he was standing here in front of me. Again, I wondered what the hell he was doing here. How did he even know she was in the hospital?
“I appreciate you making sure Lennie got to the hospital after she passed out. The doctor’s said that you getting her here so quickly really made a difference. I mean, I know she doesn’t have a lot of time left. She’s at the end of her life. I’ve come to terms with that. But still, I don’t want it to be today. And thanks to you it doesn’t seem like it will be.” His voice wavered with emotion.
I froze. What was he saying? “But I-I thought…the-the treatments. They’re working. The tumor has shrunk.”
Rob shook his head, his forehead knitting together in confusion. “No. The treatments never worked. In fact, she stopped them months ago. Did she tell you they were working?”
A headache pricked at the back of my eyes.
Had she?
What the hell was going on? I returned my attention to Rob. “How did you know she was here?”
He cocked his head to the side, shrugged. “The hospital called.”
“You?” The walls bent around me. “And you came all the way from Southern California?” No, that wasn’t possible. That was hours away.
Rob let out a nervous laugh. “No, from down the street.” He narrowed his eyes warily. “I live here in San Francisco.”
“But I-I-thought you were in Southern California. You and Lennie broke up…and she came back here.”
“She told you about that, huh?” His gaze darted to the ground, and he scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah. That’s true.” He paused as if formulating his next statement carefully. “You have to understand. It was a really tough time when she was first diagnosed. She was really depressed, and I didn’t know how to help her. We were fighting all the time, and it was making her worse. So I suggested she go home to her family. But once she left, I missed her. And I felt like an ass. I mean, I love Lennie, and I want to be with her even if she’s sick.” He swallowed hard, moisture filling his eyes. “So I got a job transfer and moved here.”
I felt hot. Too hot. I feared I would pass out. “W-when was that?”
“Um…maybe two months ago.”
That meant that the whole time Lennie was with me she was also with him? She lied to me. I fisted my hands at my sides, feeling myself coming undone. A montage of my times with Lennie filled my thoughts. I felt her lips moving over my mouth, her hands in my hair, her chest pressed against mine. I saw her traipsing around my apartment in her pajamas, saw her crouching beside me in the bathroom, remembered her cuddling up to me on the couch. How could she do all that if she was with him too?
I told her I loved her. She said it back.
“Are you okay, man?”
Glancing at Rob, I was struck with another memory. It crashed into me like a bolt of lightning, and it ripped through me, tearing apart my insides.
I was crouched in Lennie’s parents’ front yard, peering in the window. The woman I thought was Lennie’s mom sat at the kitchen table sipping coffee and reading the paper. Every time she turned the page she wiped her fingers on her pant leg. It reminded me of something Lennie used to do when we were in school. She was one of the brightest students in class and she’d always offer to write answers on the board. But she’d get whiteboard marker on her hands, so she’d constantly wipe her fingertips on her pants.
A man came around the corner, and I figured it was Lennie’s dad. He leaned down and kissed the woman on the forehead. She glanced up at him lovingly and I got a clear view of her face. It felt like a sucker punch. When he turned around it only added insult to injury.
Rob reached down and picked up a portion of the paper. It looked like it was the ads or the comics by how colorful it was. And I wasn’t surprised. I doubted he had much substance. Lennie’s gaze fell on him, love and affection filling her face.
It made me sick.
But, despite what I’d seen, she came over later. And then she didn’t leave my side for weeks. The headache was worsening. I alternated between feeling dizzy and nauseous. “W-w-where do you live? You have your own apartment here or something?”
“No. I’m staying at Lennie’s house. Well, with her and her parents…for now.” His face flushed a little like he was embarrassed.
But that’s not right. She’d been at my place. The dizziness was worsening. I breathed deeply, fighting against it.
Rob’s hand clamped down on my back. “Look, man, it might be awhile before Lennie’s mom comes out. You don’t have to stick around. I’m sure you have other stuff to do. I can tell Lennie you came by. I know it’ll mean a lot to her.” He smiled gratefully. “You know, she was really glad she ran into you again. She enjoyed your talks at the coffee shop. And she liked reading the books you left her. You’ve been a good friend.”