Authors: Amber Garza
The next week Lennie spent almost all of her time at my apartment. She rarely left, and when she did, it was to pick up clothes and stuff from home. Her parents didn’t seem to mind. In fact, they never even called to check on her. Since she’d been here, her phone hadn’t rung one time. Not that I was judging her. The only people who ever called me were my mom and Amelia. I didn’t have any good friends. None that called anyway.
But Lennie wasn’t like me. She’d always been popular. Always had lots of friends.
Then again, that was the old Lennie. The girl she’d been back in high school. The current Lennie was much different. And she had mentioned once that many of her friends had jumped ship when she was diagnosed with cancer.
However, that didn’t explain the radio silence from her parents. My mom worried about me constantly. Weren’t Lennie’s parents concerned about her?
Every time I asked her about them she changed the subject or eluded the question. I’d offered to meet her parents, to make sure they felt comfortable with her being here, but she’d declined.
“They’re fine with me being here,” she said flippantly. “They trust me.” When she smiled, I wanted to believe her words, but there was something in her eyes and demeanor that told me differently.
And that’s why I went to her house. It was early one morning when Lennie had a doctor’s appointment. I knew my window of time was limited. She was planning to come back to my apartment afterward. I told her I had errands to run, so I figured that bought me some time. If she showed up and I wasn’t home, she’d suspect I was at the grocery store or post office or something. Still, I couldn’t be gone too long.
Luckily, Lennie never asked me to go with her to the doctor. I told myself it was because she liked going alone, but sometimes I wondered if it was because she sensed my hesitation, my fear. Either way, I was relieved. Therefore, I didn’t spend too much time analyzing it.
The minute Lennie left, I headed to her house. She’d told me the barest of details about her parents. I didn’t know if they still worked or if they were retired. And I only had vague memories of them picking her up for school or taking her to back to school night when we were younger. But I was sure they looked much different now.
It was around ten in the morning when I pulled up to the curb across the street from Lennie’s childhood home. The curtains were open, a Honda civic sat in the driveway, and a truck was parked along the curb. Slumping down in my seat, I stared into the windows, but from this vantage point I couldn’t see anything more than blurry movement. Clearly someone was home, but I couldn’t see who it was.
Irritation welled inside of me. Why were her parents home instead of accompanying her to the doctor? I knew I was being a hypocrite, since I wasn’t with her either. But I wasn’t her parents. I hadn’t raised her from birth. Hell, sometimes I wasn’t sure what I was. I liked to think that I was her boyfriend, but Lennie had never confirmed that.
My mom had never missed any of my doctor’s appointments. She stood by my side at every single one.
What was the deal with Lennie’s parents that they didn’t do the same for her? That they didn’t even call her or worry about her?
Realizing that I’d never get the answers from here, I emerged from my vehicle, and softly closed the door. Turning my head in both directions, I scanned the neighbors’ houses. No one was outside. I wasn’t surprised. It was a dreary day. Dark clouds lined the sky making it appear that it was night time instead of morning. Besides, the houses over here were nice, so most people were probably working to pay their mortgages. Or they were old and retired, sitting inside watching television or reading the paper.
While it was quiet, I hurried across the street, my feet pounding on the pavement. When I reached the grass, I crouched down, careful not to be seen by the person or people inside. Hunched over, I scurried across the wet grass. Green blades stuck to my shoes, and the bottom of my pants dampened. By the time I reached the house I was winded. But I breathed softly, keeping as silent as possible. After regaining my bearings, I lifted up a tiny bit until I could see inside the window above my head. The house looked much different than my parents’. Clearly they’d updated their furniture sometime in the last twenty years. Everything was crisp, clean, modern.
Detecting movement out of the corner of my eye, I ducked back down. But then I saw that it was a woman and she wasn’t looking in this direction. She was holding a cup of coffee and making her way to the dining table. When she sat down, she lowered her head, reading something. On further inspection, I realized it was a newspaper. I couldn’t get a clear glimpse of her face, but I could see Lennie in her mannerisms, in the color of her hair. Clearly this was her mom.
She appeared calm, content. It was as if she hadn’t had a moment of worry in her life. That didn’t seem right, and it caused doubt to creep into my stomach. If her daughter was dying of cancer, wouldn’t she seem more agitated? More concerned? Not sitting at home reading the paper like she hadn’t a care in the world.
Something wasn’t right.
Everything about this felt wrong.
Hearing the rumble of tires and the roar of an engine, I sank to the ground, hiding behind a nearby bush. The car drove past, vanishing down the street. I started to stand up when I heard voices to my right. So I slid back down. The sharp edge of a twig scratched my arm, piercing the flesh. Crimson blood trickled down my skin. With my other hand, I wiped the sticky blood off. It coated the pads of my fingers and wouldn’t come off even when I swiped it on the calf of my pants. Through the leaves of the bush, I stared in the direction of the voices. A man and woman stood in the next door neighbor’s lawn chatting.
Sighing, I stayed still, my back plastered to the side of Lennie’s house as I waited for them to stop talking and go inside. After several minutes, I blew out an annoyed breath. Desperation bloomed inside of my chest. I needed to get out of her before Lennie finished her appointment. Closing my eyes, I pictured her in that hospital surrounded by white lab coats and nurses, sick people and imposing doctors. My stomach knotted, and familiar shame filled me. I should be with her.
She shouldn’t be alone.
Silence surrounded me, and my gaze darted next door. The couple was gone. Scanning the street, I waited until I was sure no one was around. Then I precariously hoisted myself up to peek into the window again. The woman was still seated at the table. A man rounded the corner. I only saw the back of his head at first, but surmised it was her dad. He walked with an easy gait, his shoulders relaxed. He leaned over and kissed the woman on the forehead. Warmth spread through me at the gesture, some of my earlier anger waning. I was glad that Lennie grew up in a home with parents who loved each other. Ray was never that tender with my mom.
My lips twitched at the corners when the man turned around, his face in full view. I inhaled sharply, my entire body going hot.
No. It can’t be.
Backing away from the window, the world spun around me. I almost fell over, but managed to stay upright. Struggling to breathe, I reached up and clawed at my face, my fingernails raking down my skin. I felt the flesh embed under my fingernails. I wanted to dig them into my eyes, physically remove them. But I knew that wouldn’t take away what I’d seen.
Gasping for air, I stumbled across the front lawn and staggered to my car. Once inside, I exhaled, trying to process what I saw.
She lied. This wasn’t her home.
Those weren’t her parents.
What was happening?
I squinted toward the numbers outside the house making sure that it was the right address. Then I stared at the front door, at the mat on the front porch, remembering all the books I left. That was here, right?
None of it made any sense.
My face was so hot, I feared I had a fever. That I was going to pass out at any minute. I wiped sweat from my brow. Then with shaking fingers, I turned on the engine. It took multiple tries, but I finally got it. Dark red blood painted the steering wheel, my pants, my face, my fingernails, the seat. It looked like a murder had gone down in here. As I turned around and drove to my apartment, confusion filled me.
What kind of game was Lennie playing? And what part did I play in it?
“How’d your appointment go?” I asked Lennie when she showed up at my apartment. It was only a few minutes after I returned, and I’d been sitting in front of the laptop at my kitchen table pretending to work.
“It went well.” She lost her jacket, unwrapped the scarf around her neck. Tossed them both on a nearby chair. Then she stood behind me, kneading my shoulders with her hands. “How did it go here? Did you get a lot of work done?”
With her hands on me, it was impossible to think clearly. I wondered if that was one of her tactics. Lifting my arms, I placed my hands over hers, stopping her impromptu massage. Then I turned around, my eyes meeting hers. I studied what was inside, hoping to find the answer I needed.
She smiled, her brows furrowing. “Colin? What’s going on? Do I have a booger hanging out of my nose or something?” Wiping under her nostril, she let out a nervous laugh.
“No. You look fine. Well, more than fine. You look beautiful like always,” I said honestly. It didn’t matter how suspicious I was, she still captured my heart. I was convinced she always would. I had already let so many things slide with her. I’d overlooked things and forgiven her. And I was sure I would do it again…and again. I simply wanted to know the truth.
“Thanks.” Her eyelashes fluttered, her gaze combing over my face. With a perplexed look, she reached forward and touched my cheek. “What happened? You’re all scratched up.”
Shit. I was hoping she wouldn’t notice. I’d washed up my hands and face thoroughly when I got home.
“Oh…um…I was itchy, and I guess I scratched too hard.”
“You did this to yourself?”
“Yeah.” I flashed her a chagrined look. “Stupid, huh?”
Pursing her lips, she stood unmoving for a moment. “I guess you don’t know your own strength,” she spoke slowly. “You might want to be careful in the future.”
“Yeah, I should be.” Remembering what I saw at her house, I peered up at her through the strands of hair she’d jaggedly cut. “My mom used to say the same thing to me. What about your mom? Did she say things like that?”
She wrinkled her nose, confusion filling her features. “No, but she didn’t need to. I didn’t scratch the crap out of my own face.”
I was losing her. My segue wasn’t working out like it should. She was so focused on my face it would be difficult to get anything else out of her. Taking a deep breath, I decided to go for it. There was no easy way to transition to this. “Speaking of moms, maybe you should call your parents and tell them about your appointment.”
Yeah, that was smooth.
She stiffened, her hands clenching. “Why?”
I shrugged as if I hadn’t uncovered some huge secret. As if I hadn’t been spying on the house she said was hers. “Just figured they’d want to know.”
She waved away my suggestion with a flick of her wrist. A cloud moved in front of the windows, and the entire room went dark. “I can tell them later.”
“They don’t worry about you?”
“Of course they worry. But I don’t want to talk to them.” She looped her arms around my neck, giving me a playful grin. “I want to talk to you.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, hoping she’d catch the double meaning. I was in this for the long haul. No matter what. I wished she knew that. I wished she trusted me.
She winked. “Neither am I.”
I was tiring of this. Brushing her arms off of my neck, I pinned her with a firm look. She withered beneath it. “Why don’t you want to talk to your parents, Lennie?”
She recoiled. “What is going on with you? Why do you suddenly care so much about my parents?”
“I don’t care about them. I care about you, and I feel like you’re keeping something from me.”
Cocking her head to the side, her forehead knit together. “Where is this coming from?”
I couldn’t tell her what I’d done. What I’d seen. So I said, “You’re so elusive about them.”
“So are you about your parents,” she said. And she had a point. Her fingers touched my face. “Look, I’m just not close to them, okay? And it’s only gotten worse since I’ve been sick. I don’t wanna think about it when I’m with you.” I melted into her touch, drowned in her intense stare. “You make me feel safe, secure. Everything’s better when I’m here. Can we just leave it at that?”
I wanted to demand answers, but I couldn’t argue with her logic. Being with her made everything better for me too. She’d become my escape. My safe place. And when I was with her, I didn’t want to think about my parents either. Clearly she had lied to me, but hadn’t I done the same to her? I still hadn’t told her everything about my life. My past or present. And I wasn’t sure I ever would.
“Yeah,” I told her. “We can do that.”
Relief passed over her features. Bending forward, she brought her face close. The minute her mouth clamped over mine, the electricity went out, darkness cloaking us.
It felt like a warning.
Too bad I didn’t heed it.
I tried to forget about what I’d seen. Tried to push it from my mind and focus on Lennie. Sometimes it was easy, like when she nestled in my arms, or when her lips pressed against mine. It was easy to pretend that I’d never seen anything at her house that day. But other times it was all I could think about. Still, I didn’t press her any longer about it. I let it go, figuring she’d come clean when she was ready. In the meantime, I would do what I’d been doing all along.
I’d enjoy my time with her.
She still spent most of her time at my apartment, and while I loved her being here, I also knew that I needed to get some work done. I was so close to finishing the book, and for Mom’s sake, I had to finish it. Besides, it was what was best for Lennie and me too. If, by some miracle, I sold the novel to a publisher, I could afford to get out from under my parents’ thumb. Maybe Lennie and I could even move somewhere else. Far away from everything here.
I was certain that was the only way we’d ever be able to have any kind of future.
That’s why I got up early this morning with the intention of heading to the coffee shop. Lennie was sprawled out in my bed. I’d slept on the couch, so my neck was kinked, my arm numb. I rolled my neck while I brushed my teeth, toothpaste running down my chin. After rinsing, I got dressed quietly trying not to wake Lennie.
But it was a losing battle. She was the lightest sleeper I knew.
“Are you going somewhere?” She sat up in bed, the blanket falling from her shoulders, revealing the tight tank top she wore. I swallowed hard.
“I need to get some work done,” I told her, knowing that leaving the apartment was my only option. There was no way I’d get a single word written if I stayed here. Especially if she insisted on wearing pajamas like that. Talk about distracting.
“The coffee shop?” She pushed a lock of hair out of her face. Sun shone in from the window behind her, and her face and body were awash in yellow tones.
I nodded.
“If you give me a minute to get ready, I can go with you.”
My stomach sank. I threw her an apologetic look. “Lennie, I really need some time alone. I haven’t been getting a lot of writing done lately, and I have to finish this book.” Seeing the dejected expression on her face, I felt like crap. Moving toward her, I rested my hands on her hips, stamped a kiss on her forehead. “I’m sorry. I’d like nothing more than to spend the day with you, but this is something I have to do.”
“I get it,” She forced a smile. Lifting up to her knees, she brushed her lips lightly over mine. “I have some things I have to take care of anyway.” She cocked an eyebrow. “Meet you back here tonight?”
“Yeah.” Smiling, I grazed her cheek with my knuckles. “Thanks for being so understanding about this.”
“Of course. But it’s partly for selfish reasons. I want you to finish the book too, because then I’ll get to read it.” Eyes sparkling, she tossed me a wink.
I chuckled. “Is that so?”
“Yep.” Nodding, she bit her lip. “I’m proud of you for sticking with it.” After giving me one more brief glance, she slid off the bed. I had to avert my gaze from her bare legs, and scantily clad body. I may have had some kind of block when it came to sex, but I was still a guy. And she was still sexy as hell. She scooped her hair off her neck, secured it on top of her head with a hair tie. Then she turned to me. “I’ll get out of here so you can get your work done.”
She was so flexible and understanding. It surprised me at times. I’d never met anyone like her. Despite whatever secrets she was keeping, I knew she cared about me. And, for me, that was enough.
She was enough.
More than enough. She was everything I’d dreamt of my entire life.
And here she was, encouraging and supporting me in a way that no one else had ever done. And that was the reason I finally said it. Throwing caution to the wind, I stepped toward her, circling my arms around her waist.
“Lennie?” I whispered, our gazes connecting. “I love you.” They were the words I’d wanted to say for weeks, and they were finally out in the open, lingering between us.
Her eyes widened, and her mouth slackened. But not in a happy way. No, she looked stricken, and I desperately wished I could shove the words back in.
Placing her palms on my chest, she shoved me back. My hands fell away from her waist, dangled awkwardly at my side. It was like I’d seen a car accident and didn’t have time to intervene. It all happened so fast. And now that it was over, I felt nothing but remorse. It’s funny, because whenever I’d imagined this moment, I thought I’d feel relief. As if the words were a weight I was carrying around and once I shed them I’d feel lighter. But that’s because I hadn’t been anticipating this kind of reaction from her.
She shook her head, backing away from me. “Colin, I’m so sorry. This…” she pointed between us. “This was a mistake. I never should’ve let it go on this long.”
“What are you talking about? We’re not a mistake.” Her words baffled me. How could she say this? What we had was beautiful.
“I know.” She smothered her face with her hand, groaned into her palm. Breathing deeply, she dropped her hand and looked at me. “Colin, I wish I were healthy and whole and could give you the life you deserve. But I’m not.”
“I don’t need that. I want you the way you are.”
Bringing her hand to her mouth, she chomped down on her fingernails. I’d never seen her do that before, and I felt bad that my words had agitated her so much. I thought they would bring her joy, not anxiety. “I feel like I’ve lead you on. Given you false hope. The treatments are working for now, but I don’t know how much longer I have. It could be months, even years, but it might only be days.”
I grabbed her hand, yanked her to me. “Lennie, we’ve been over this. None of us knows how much time we have left. I can’t offer you a guarantee any more than you can offer me one. But regardless, I know that I want to spend whatever time we have left together. Whether that’s years, months or only days.”
“It’s easy to say that when I seem healthy and alive, but what about when I get sick again. When I am frail and can’t take care of myself.”
“Stop.” I told her, drawing her closer. So close that her chest pressed to mine. “The thing is, that I love you. That isn’t going to change if you push me away. It’s not going to change if you get sicker. It’s not even going to change if you die. Nothing will change it, because it’s already happened. I already love you. It’s too late to try to talk me out of it.”
I barely got the last word out when her hands came up to frame my face, her lips crushing mine. At first her lips moved so swiftly I couldn’t keep up. But eventually we found our rhythm, our mouths moving in sync, our fingers tangling in each other’s hair. She kissed me like I was the medicine needed to cure her. Like I could give her a second chance at life.
Every movement was manic and desperate, unlike how smooth she normally was. But it was fine by me. Actually, it made me more comfortable. Lennie always seemed so much more refined and sophisticated than me. But right now it was like she was unraveling, like she was exposing me to a frenzied side of herself. And I welcomed it.
For once her passion matched mine.
The kiss was dizzying and unexpected, and it almost made me forget about the fact that she hadn’t said “I love you” back.