Marked. Part I: The missing Link (13 page)

I kiss him and he's hesitant at first but then responds back. “But I want
you
,” I say against his lips.

“
You deserve more than a few fucks from me. I'm leaving soon.”

“
I know,“ I snap. “You remind me every hour.”

He lifts me up and moves me onto the passengers seat. He starts the engine and begins the drive home, “I told myself not to fucking touch you. Your innocence comes off you like a damn perfume.”

I sit there with my arms hugging myself, feeling rejected and a little like a fool for letting my emotions overrule responsible thoughts earlier. I'm also pissed at myself for once again letting myself care too much about Jay when clearly I'm...what? What am I to him?

“
You confuse me,” I say softly, staring out my window. “Your kisses confuse me, your mood swings confuse me, our friendship confuses me – if you can even call it that. Friends don't kiss like we do. In fact, I’m thinking most people will go through life never knowing a kiss like that, which is a damn shame.” My voice gradually gets higher as anger starts to build. Why do I let Jay get under my skin so much?

“
You confuse me too,” Jay reaches over for my hand, “I told you my life has been solitary. It confuses me that having you sleep in my bed has turned into almost a
need.
That's confusing as hell to me. I don't want to push you away, but I can't let us become something we will never be. And yeah, the way we kiss is...there's not even a word for it. I had no idea kissing could feel so...” he sighs at a loss for words and I know exactly what he means. It's like our lips were made to kiss each other.

“
I know you're leaving soon, but I don't understand why you don't want anything to happen?”

“
You're the kind of girl a guy knows he'll fall hard for if he lets you in and be in it for life.”

“
You're afraid of falling for me?”

“
It's going to be hard enough to leave you, adding intimacy between us will only make it worse.”

I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything. Instead, I unbuckle and move to the middle seat. I re-buckle, rest my head on his shoulder, and kiss the hand I'm still holding. We drive the rest of the way home in silence.

When we arrive home I go to my place and he goes to his, but he hands me his key, which I'm assuming means he wants me over when he gets off.

Chapter 11

Sunday, January 12

3:46am

I roll over to reach for Jay but feel cool cotton instead. I blindly reach for my phone on his nightstand to find it's a half-hour past the time he gets home.

Half asleep, I roll out of bed and trudge down the hall to find the living room and kitchen pitch black. I look out the living room window to see his truck in the driveway.

He's probably in the garage.

I sleepily rub my eyes and start towards the hall but stop when movement in the backyard catches my attention.

I walk over and stare out the back, which is open. Jay's standing out in the middle of his backyard with flannel pajama bottoms on and shirtless. The only light is the moon and it casts just enough of a glow that I can make out his perfectly sculpted body. I soak him in and the beautiful fluid movements his body is making as it moves gracefully and slow. I recognize it as Tai Chi, but I’ve never seen someone do it in person. Jay looks like he's not present, that his mind has gone somewhere else. It's breathtaking to watch. Once again I'm mesmerized by him and his many talents.

He doesn’t seem to register I'm here and then I see his face shift ever so slightly. He moves an arm out and gestures for me to come over. I nervously join him. I'm not sure if he's upset or not because it's too dark to see his features.

Once we are closer I can fully see his face. It's devoid of any emotion and I try not to panic.

The back of Jay's hand lightly brushes my cheek. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting a peace wash over me. His hands take hold of my shoulders and turn me around, making my back face him. He has me do the movements with him, guiding my body as we go along. I'm completely lost in the moment. It's beautiful, sensual, and I have never felt more connected to anyone as I do right now. It's powerful, a little scary, and oddly makes me feel like I could cry. Not happy or sad tears, it's something deeper. Maybe this is what happens when two souls connect and become one.

He moves us and we are back to standing position but our hands remain together. One of his hands slowly starts to trail up my arm. It moves my hair then goes around my waist under my shirt, letting his thumb draw circles around my bellybutton. I first feel the tickle of his scruff, and then the softness of his lips as he presses them down on the curve of my neck. His lips don't go any further and he takes long, deep breaths, taking me in.

My head falls back and rests against him. I want to remember everything about this moment: the way it feels to be with him, the moonlight, the warm masculine scent of him, but mostly the deep peace I feel.

I turn to face him and it's the first time I’ve been able to see the markings and scars covering his skin. My throat tightens up at the sight of them. The first one I touch is a long one that trails over his stomach at an angle. It starts under his left pec and travels diagonally to almost his hip bone. I kiss the starting point up top. I look up at Jay through hooded lashes and his face doesn't look bothered by what I'm doing, but there's something in his eyes shining at me I can't place. I let my hands feel the hard ridges of his abs, taking note of the small scars that you can hardly feel. My hands tremble a bit from being able to touch him like this. They travel up and feel his chest. I kiss each pec and any scars that are there. Next, I touch a scar caused by a bullet (I've seen them at the shooting range on men who proudly display them) on his right shoulder where it meets the collar bone. I kiss that as well.

I move around his body and see two more bullet wounds on his back. Tears threaten to spill over. Then I see the scars that crisscross his back as though a whip was taken to him and my throat closes and aches from the intense pressure on my heart. My cheek flattens on his back and I wrap my arms around him as best as I can, letting the tears finally drop down.

Jay twists his front and he lifts my chin up.

“
It's okay,” his voice is low and soothing. “They don't bother me.” He rubs the bullet wound in front, “This is actually from one of the best memories I have with my dad, and some of the others are also reminders of some kick ass days. Some are bad memories, but reminders that nobody can break me.” He's grinning and I'm more confused than ever.

“
I don't understand. Seeing all these scars has broken my heart,” I can hardly speak from the tight constriction of my throat, holding back a complete meltdown. I wipe my face, clearing away some of the tears streaming down. I have so much more I want to tell him but I can't seem to get it out. I decide to communicate in the only way I can right now. On tiptoe, I wrap my arms around his neck and bring my mouth to his.

This kiss is nothing like at the track: it's slow, soft, and sensual, but just as desire filled. Jay lifts me up and I wrap my legs around him. He walks us back inside, locking the slider behind us. We stay like this – lips moving perfectly together – as he takes us to his bedroom.

He sets me down and lays next to me on his side. Our eyes lock and we stare deep inside each others' irises. Jay smiles, taking my breath away at how gorgeous he is when he lets his guard down. His lips are back on mine as our hands explore each other. I feel every hard bulge, every ridge of his muscles, savoring it.

Jay kisses along my jaw and brings his lips to my ear, “Can we make tonight about you?”

“I don't know what you mean.”

“
Let me worship your body, I want tonight to be about giving you immense pleasure,” the warmth of his breath, his husky wanting voice laced with the scent of him, has me feeling drug-induced.

“
Why?” I barely register that I spoke.

He nuzzles under my ear, “It's the only way I can think of to communicate how I feel about you.”

His lips and tongue move along my neck and his hands go to remove my shirt. He supports me as I help him lift it over my head.

He hovers over me on all fours and drinks me in, “God, Lily, you're perfect.”

Jay lowers himself as his mouth and hands begin worshiping every part of my body, and I'm lost in the moment. There is not a part of my body that goes untouched.  His body is pressed over me but I can barely feel it from the way he carries his weight. At this moment I fully surrender to him, and in return he is safeguarding me as though he will never find a treasure of more worth. I've never felt so cherished before, and that earlier feeling of our souls connecting has me wanting to cry again.

When his hands and lips reach my inner thighs and work their way up, I clutch the sheets from the intense pleasure flowing through my whole body. He gently widens my legs and the hot warmth of his breath has me whimpering. His tongue starts in like it's savoring every moment, every taste. I'm overwhelmed with the heights he is taking my body. His tongue and lips stop their licking and sucking to kiss where his tongue was. The pure tenderness of it has me releasing with so much intensity tears fall down.

I'm completely overwhelmed as I cry from the beauty of having an orgasm I never knew existed, from the way he cherished my body and made me feel.

I wrap an arm over my eyes to hide, not wanting Jay to see me freaking out over an orgasm. In an instant he's on his side next to me and he wraps as much of himself over me as is possible.

“What's wrong?” He forces my arm away and his brows are knitted in concern as he wipes away my tears.

“
This is really embarrassing,” I turn mortified and bury my face into him.

He holds me tightly and plays with my hair, “Talk to me.”

“I've never had intimacy like that before. I didn’t know so much pleasure could be found at the hands of another person. Will never...” I pause and breathe in deeply, “It was always about him. He would sit or lie there expecting me to bring him all the pleasure. He would never touch me except to occasionally suck or play with my breasts, but it was because he wanted to; it was never about me. I just...I never knew it could be like this. I don't think I've really had an orgasm before now. I can't believe I'm crying over this.”

Jay pushes me back and I try to pull him back to me but he won't let me. His hands take hold of my face and he kisses me fully and deeply, causing more tears to spill down. I feel ridiculous, but Jay takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed and it breaks something free in me, something I've buried deep within:
Me
.

Jay has me flip over so he can cocoon me in his arms. We don't talk, he just holds me while I cry, letting the woman I let Will bury come up for air.

Chapter 12

10:23am

I'm still encased in Jay's arms when I wake and I kiss the arm that has me from under my neck. I feel lighter, freer. I feel like me again and an ear to ear smile breaks out across my face. I know it didn't solely happen from last night, it was just the final release I needed to connect with myself.

Jay's arms tighten around me, “Hey.” His voice is gritty from sleep and he kisses my hair, “What are your plans for today?”

“I think I owe you a pumpkin pie,” I turn my head to see him and he's grinning at me.

“
Can I help?”

“
Yeah, we can do it here.”

Jay beams at me, “Can we stay in what we're wearing?”

“Sure.” His smile gets huge and I realize I’m still completely naked from last night and I laugh. “Smooth.”

“
Is that a yes?”

I laugh harder at his hopefulness.

“No,” I reply, and his face drops. “But I'll wear one of your shirts and nothing else if you keep your shirt off so I can admire it's beauty.”

Jay perks up again and laughs, “Deal.”

We begin kissing, getting tangled in each other.

11:02am

“
Stop, you're going to make me spill the coffee,” I giggle as Jay has his arms wrapped around me and is trying to reach under my shirt while I pour coffee in our mugs.

He has the shirt lifted and cups my breasts in his hands, “I think I'll follow you around all day like this.”

I swat at his hand, laughing, “How is that helping me?”

“
Oh, it's not, but it sure would be fun,” Jay starts kissing my neck and I tilt it to allow better access.

We'd made out in his bed this morning and his fingers skillfully brought me to another mind-blowing orgasm, but he wouldn't allow me to do anything in return. For a brief moment I had my hand down his pants and almost fainted at it's size – it should be noted that
everything
on Jay is huge – but he stopped me before I had the chance to stroke it.

“
Are you afraid of letting me give you pleasure after what I told you last night?” I ask, pouring cream into our mugs.

“
No, that's the last part of myself I haven't given to you, and I know if I do...” he sighs and buries his face into my neck. “Can we enjoy the afternoon and not think about anything other than the fact we're baking a pie together?”

“
Definitely.”

2:16pm

I bend over and put the pie in the oven.

“Wait, stop,” Jay says as I start to rise.

“
What?” I remain still, wondering what's going on.

“
I need a really good mental picture of this moment.”

I look over my shoulder at Jay leaning over the island, tongue slightly hanging out of the side of his mouth as he stares at my naked ass that is exposed from bending over at the oven.

He looks young and carefree, making my heart swell in happiness.

Baking a pie with Jay is a memory I will always hold on tight to. As we made dough he would stop to give me sweet kisses on my lips, nose, forehead, shoulder, or neck – whatever was the closest to reach. He had me show him how to roll the dough out, but I think he just wanted an excuse to wrap his arms around me because every time his arms brushed past my breasts I could feel him smile against my hair.

He asked me a lot of questions about my childhood, my family, things I loved, things I didn't; he seemed to want to know everything about me. I found out his favorite movie genre is comedy, which surprised me (I thought it would be action), and he made me laugh when he told me his favorite movie of all time is The Princess Bride. He laughed at me when he found out I'm a closet country music fan.

I told him about how I've always dreamed of going to London, and he told me about the two months he spent living there when he was fourteen and the places I would have to visit because he knew I would love them. He started to say he couldn't wait to take me someplace but never got out where. His eyes had turned sad, he cursed and started doing dishes, making me tell him any horror high school stories I had. Thankfully, I didn't really have any. I was neither popular nor uncool. I'd usually spent time with the drama club, which Stevie and Naomi had also belonged to. I told him I had really been into acting and starred in a few plays my high school had put on. He made me swear to show him my mom's tapes of the plays I was in. He loved hearing my stories of Naomi, who was always the student director, and how hard she would ride me and the crazy costumes Stevie would put together to try and make a “boring old play” unique and fresh.

Jay wanted to know about my first boyfriend, Matt (my only boyfriend besides Will). We dated from tenth through eleventh grade, then broke up when he left for college (he was a year ahead of me). Jay laughed at how innocent our relationship was; the furthest we had ever gotten was making out. He thought it was odd and laughed hysterically that a few years later I found out Matt was gay. Looking back, it made sense with how he acted around the drama club boys. Every week he came over to watch One Tree Hill and we would gossip about what happened. He never cared to go under my shirt to touch my breasts, even though I had offered. I had assumed he wasn't ready to be that intimate. That made Jay laugh even harder, that I would think a seventeen year old would want to hold off on touching a girl's breasts because it was too fast for him. I had to laugh too. I guess I've always been pretty naïve.

“
Okay, my turn,” I close the oven door and rest against the counter.

“
For what?” Jay wiggles his brows suggestively and I roll my eyes.

“
Tell me about your Dad,” I dive right in while I scrape the edge of the pie filling bowl with my finger and savor the taste in my mouth. Unease crosses over Jay's face, “Oh, right. For a minute I forgot who I was talking to and thought I could carry on a normal conversation with my boyfri–” I snap my lips shut, curling them in, and reddening in embarrassment.

Jay shifts uncomfortably on the bar stool, scratching his scruff.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean we were-” Jay holds up his hand to stop me.

“
Stop. You know I hate it when you apologize to me.” He brings his hands on top of his head and studies my face, chewing on his lip. He sighs and bends over so he's resting on the counter with his forearms, “My mom died when I was six, so my dad raised me. He was a loner like me, preferring his own company to others. The only words we exchanged were him quizzing me on school and the other stuff he taught me. Most of the time I was left alone.

“
The first few years I was with him he didn't really know what to do with me,” Jay chuckles and shakes his head. His eyes start to glaze over, lost in thought, “He bonded with me in the only ways he knew how. His methods were unconventional – let's leave it at that. He never wanted his life for me, never wanted to deal with being somebody's father, but he did the best he could. He never made me feel like I was holding him back or getting in his way. From day one he treated me like an equal. I never got hugs or kisses or affection like most kids, but he was good to me and helped me harness the anger I felt after my mother's death. Without his help I would probably be dead, or maybe a crack addict, from not being able to handle the shit that happened to me.” I desperately want to know more about the things that happened to him, but I know Jay won't tell me.

“
You've never mentioned, but he's gone too?”

“
Yeah, five years ago.”

“
Was he the only family you had?”

“
Yeah.”

“
Do you remember your mom?”

“
Not really. I remember her singing to me before she tucked me in at night, and she made the best macaroni and cheese from scratch.” He shakes his head, “Man, it was good.  I remember how excited she got when she knew my dad was in town and visiting. We always got fresh haircuts, and she'd scrub the house and buy us new outfits to wear. She'd be so happy. I loved seeing her that way, and I remember how my dad always looked happy to see her too.” Jay stops and buries his head in his hands, “I never thought about it before. My dad never really smiled, but he did with my mom; he would light up around her. I can't believe I forgot that. When he would leave I hated to see how sad my mom looked. When she died, my dad came and got me to live with him. He didn't talk for months, barely said more than a word or two a day. I never understood,” he lifts his head to stare off. “I think he was grieving,” he whispers the last sentence as if he's grieving as well.

I have no words to express to him how much it means to me that he shared a part of his life with me or how sorry I am he lost them both, because it's evident in the way he speaks of them he loved them both immensely. I come around the island and climb on his lap. I straddle him and wrap my arms tightly around his neck, hoping to convey what words can't.

Jay buries his face into the crevice of my neck and clings to me. We hold each other until the timer for the pie goes off.

He lifts me up to sit on the island and he lays his head on my chest. I run my fingers across his hair.

The timer buzzes again and Jay lets out a deep, heavy sigh. He releases me and takes the pie out of the oven, placing it on the cooling rack.

Jay stays standing behind me and I hop off the counter. I head to the door, whipping around before I open it.

“It takes two hours to cool,” I resist the urge to run and leap into his arms at the pout he gives me. “I'm running over to my house so I can get the movie you watch when you need a 'distraction from devouring the best dessert in the whole world before it's ready' movie.” I smirk and fold my arms, “Or we could have sex.”

Jay knuckles the edge of the counter, “I know I will regret this for the rest of my life, but go get the movie.”

My turn to pout, “I've had three men in my life: Two try everything they can to
not
have sex with me and the other forces it on me.” I mean it as a joke, but my voice softens to a whisper by the time I'm done with the dark, hard glare Jay is giving me. Obviously comedy's not my thing.

“
I'm only going to say this once,” Jay's voice has hardened as he comes towards me, eyes hung low, and I back up against the door. I know he won't hurt me, but damn, he can still frighten me.

He comes right up against me, pushes a leg between mine, and rests his forearms against the door, bringing his lips close enough that they are faintly touching, “I have never wanted to be inside a woman more in my life. I'm going mad in my desire for you. The way you moan, the way you taste, the way you come for me with unrestrained devotion, makes me crazy with wanting to know what will happen when I enter you: how your body will arch against mine, the sounds you'll make, the tightness I'll feel as you peak around my cock. I want you so fucking bad it's taking everything I have not to take you against this door, making you so full and stretched with me in you that you're mine and we both know it.”

“Please,” I whimper beyond my control, begging him to take me.

Jay lowers his arms to remove his pants. My breathing becomes erratic and my heart is pounding out of every part of my body; I swear it's even vibrating my skin.

His lips brush along my jaw, stopping at my ear where he moves his mouth fully against it. He holds his bottoms across my chest, his hands are pressed against the sides of my breasts, “You're going to need these to cross the street. We wouldn't want the neighbors seeing that tantalizing ass of yours.” Then he kisses me so salaciously my knees give out and he has to hold me up to stop my legs from crumbling under.

When he breaks the kiss I object by throwing myself on him. I toss the pants to the ground, pressing his firm, naked body against me, and his erection slides between my legs. We groan loudly, the air now threaded in a longing so potent it permeates every cell, every nerve.

I slide down to my knees and grasp him in my hands, causing a hiss to leave Jay's mouth.

“
Lily,” Jay tries to use a warning tone, but I can hear a small tremble to his voice telling me he wants this.

I wrap my mouth around him, letting my throat relax as I begin to suck deeper and deeper.

A hungry growl echoes through the room as Jay leans his forehead on the door to rest with his hands.

The fact that he hasn't tried to stop this empowers me and I push him to the back of my throat. His thighs shake briefly and it only fuels me to work harder for his pleasure. My hand holds the shaft, working it because he's much too big to go all in, and my mouth and hands find a rhythm together.

“
Oh, God, yes,”
Jay's hips move back and forth unconsciously.

I peer up to find Jay staring down at me, drinking me in, devouring the sight of me willingly submitting my mouth around his cock.

I smile before closing my eyes and taking him further than I thought was possible and am surprised when I don't gag. My body seems to want this just as much.