I watched storm clouds of emotion traverse her too-sharp features. Each one blooming and twisting, her thoughts whirling behind those bright, aquamarine eyes of hers before she finally murmured, “I want to believe you.”
“Well that’s up to you, Honey. I don’t expect you to. Hell, I never expect you to trust another soul let alone another man again, but I’m telling you, you
can
trust
me
. Okay?”
She settled into deep thought after that. Her eyes far away and distant while she presumably searched around inside herself. For what, I don’t know. For now, I was just content to watch her think. To watch those aquamarine eyes drift shut and to listen to her light breathing deepen and even out. Her sleep was slightly more peaceful, but by no means perfect, but I can say one thing… her hand in mine, it was oddly more perfect than I wanted to admit to myself.
When I was sure she was down for the count and wouldn’t come back up out of her slumber anytime soon, I extracted my hand from her light grip with a heavy sigh and moved myself over to what was becoming my customary post in the chair by the bed. I slouched down and closed my eyes, my lips hooking up into a slight smile at a particularly brilliant stroke of an idea that hit me like a bolt out of the blue.
Yeah.
I would get right on that tomorrow, I just needed to check and see if I had the money for it. I should. Business was good, sucking a little wind with my absence, but I could get by. I could do it while Hope took Faith clothes shopping.
Decision made I dropped off into a light sleep myself, but it wasn’t particularly restful. I didn’t get restful sleep anymore. Jerking awake at any movement or sound Faith made. From the moment I’d laid eyes on her, I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t let her go down the way Danny had. Faith was my atonement for how I’d treated my brother and so far she’d soothed the fiery torment of my guilt.
I couldn’t bring my brother back. I couldn’t save him from the grave. But I could save
her.
It wasn’t perfect. Hell, maybe it wasn’t even right… but it mattered and I needed to do something that really mattered at least once in my damned life because at the end of the day, successful business, pride of the family, none of it meant shit fuck all in the grand scheme of things. Not when you were willing to let a family member go. Willing to let them die, just because they pissed you off or disappointed you.
Hope belonged to the Captain, and my club was my second family. By extension, Faith was family too. Cutter’d put me in charge when it came to her care, I wasn’t about to let my Captain, my brothers, Hope or Faith down. It was just what it had to be. I was okay with that. My life needed a change up from the same old routine anyhow.
Chapter 8
Faith
“Faith?” I jumped and turned mutely back to my sister. I swallowed hard and she frowned. “You okay?”
I pressed my lips together and nodded rapidly. I wasn’t. I felt like they were all staring at me. Like everyone in the store
knew
. I felt dirty, ashamed and like the weight of the universe was pressing me inexorably into the floor.
“No, you’re not.” Hope said judiciously and hung the dress she’d pulled off the rack back up.
“I… I think it’s just a little bit much for my first time out.” I murmured and she nodded.
“There was this famous general back in the day, like world war one and two, right? He used to say that he didn’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbed or how good he was at anything. He used to say ‘The measure of a man’s success should be taken by how high he bounces when he hits bottom.’ You always did bounce the best out of the three of us. This is no exception.”
I rolled my lips together and thought about what my sister was saying, finally nodding. A measure calmer than I had been before, even though my heart still raced in my chest and every breath I took made me feel like I was going to explode.
“Concentrate on the clothes, Bubbles. Let’s find you some stuff to wear that you’ll be comfortable in. It’s hot around here, some shorts? A couple of swimsuits maybe?” Hope kept talking and I followed her dutifully around the little clothing boutique, looking at clothes without really seeing them.
My blood rushed in my ears, my heart thundered in my chest and it felt like the world was losing focus. I was falling but I was standing still. I felt crazed and like a total lunatic and when gentle hands fell on my shoulders I jumped clean out of my skin, shrieking, clapping my hands over my mouth to stifle the terrified sound. I quickly glanced around the shop and with a sinking feeling realized that if they hadn’t really been staring before, I was definitely the center of attention now.
All conversation had ceased and every single set of eyes in the shop was turned on me. Pinning me in place. My eyes grew hot and wet and Hope’s boyfriend’s voice wrapped around me from behind.
“Aw shit; sorry, Firefly. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Thought you knew I was here.” I shook my head back and forth and he gave my shoulders a gentle squeeze, thumbs digging just a bit to ease the tension between them.
“Sorry, I was…” I sniffed, “I guess I got lost in thought a little. I wasn’t paying attention.”
“It’s okay, Bubbles. You’re good, but maybe we should stop for now.” Hope lowered the clothing items she’d been prattling about and I shook my head furiously, tense beneath her boyfriend’s hands. I knew he meant well, but honestly, the casual touch was a bit much for me, or maybe it was the hulking male presence behind me or…
“Hey, Cap. I know you mean well, Man, and I’m sure she does, too, but let her go, Man. She’s not digging it.”
Relief flooded out from the center of my being at Marlin’s low and controlled voice. The Captain’s hands left my shoulders and Hope sighed. I blinked my eyes open, having not realized I’d squeezed them shut and looked at my sister. She looked equal parts aggravated and heartbroken and I felt my stomach drop into my toes.
“Not your fault, Darlin’. Don’t none of us think it is.” Cutter, said to me. I nodded, throat tight and we all stood in awkward silence for several moments.
“I, I like this.” I slid a dress off the rack, a maxi dress that was strapless but fell to the floor. It would cover more of me and with a light cardigan it would work well. My sister smiled and as if she’d read my mind held up a three quarter sleeve loose and flowy white cover-up that would go well with the aqua and white chevron printed dress.
“That’s nice,” Cutter commented nodding and I raised my eyes to Marlin’s. He gave me a slightly off kilter smile that both warmed me and encouraged me. Still, his eyes spoke volumes. They whispered to me that he knew that I was being brave and that he believed in me. I took the strength he offered and stood a little straighter.
“Um, a swimsuit. That would be good. I think I’d like to go swimming if that’s okay.” I looked from one to the next, and Marlin and Cutter both smiled.
“You can do whatever you want, Sweetheart. You don’t need our permission for anything.” I swallowed hard and tears sprang to my eyes and Hope was suddenly there. She hugged me tight and I crumbled a bit and cried, clinging to my sister as the enormity of what transpired caught me off guard.
While I knew I was free, that my sister had saved me, I still didn’t feel it yet. Marlin and I had spoken on it just this morning actually, before we’d left the house that had quickly become the center of my world and my sanctuary.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I cried into Hope’s shoulder as we stood in the middle of the sea side clothing shop, in the middle of the little town’s bustling boulevard.
Warmth and what had become the familiar smell of Marlin enveloped my back as he stepped near. I closed my eyes and breathed deep the combination of leather, cigarettes, and whatever he used for his shampoo, the faint smell of peaches and alcohol rounding things out. I thought it strange. The combination of cigarettes and alcohol should leave me feeling ill after so many had come to me reeking of it, but the alcohol smell on Marlin, I don’t know. It was so faint and under everything else it was mellow. Bespeaking of time spent around bonfires or sipping cold beer while working in the sun.
Marlin’s smell was what I imagined hard work, patience and decency to be like and his words, when murmured, did nothing to dispel that notion, but rather reinforced it tenfold.
“Baby Girl, don’t forget that you’re human. It’s okay to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and get refocused on where you’re headed. You can do that for me right?”
I nodded against my sister and sniffed, words weren’t something I was ready to voice, my mind scrambling around in circles, caught in a never ending loop of panic and fear.
“Shhhh, you’re okay, Baby. We get it. Your sister gets it, right Hope?” he whispered.
“Right,” she affirmed.
“The Captain gets it.”
“I surely do,” Cutter agreed kindly.
“I get it,” Marlin’s voice pitched low, just for me, and he said, “Fuck everyone else in here, Baby. You’ve been through hell and none of these motherfuckers know what that looks like. You survived. It’s all good. You aren’t embarrassing us. There ain’t nothing humiliating about this. For you, for me, for the Captain or your sister. You just take your time. Anyone has anything they want to say about it then they can come talk to me.”
He straightened, the comfort of his close presence receding like the water from the shore down the beach outside the bedroom window where I’d been staying. I pushed back from my sister, sniffed and wiped at my eyes. Hope gave me a smile and I gave a tentative one back.
“She’s going to need jeans at the very least if she’s getting on the back of one of the bikes, which if Marlin’s taking her out to that doc tomorrow, is a pretty likely scenario.” Cutter pointed out. I stared a little wide eyed at my sister who smiled even bigger.
“Good point. I think you’ll like riding, Bubbles. Let’s go find you some suitable bike wear.”
We went from the boutique to another little shopping center and finally ended up at the local motorcycle shop. I felt better with my sister walking in front of me and Cutter and Marlin at my sides and just behind me. Insulated and protected. Still, by the end of the shopping excursion I was exhausted, sliding gratefully into the back seat of Nothing’s tired station wagon. Marlin got behind the wheel. Cutter rode up front while Hope sat in back with me.
“Home, James,” Cutter said and Marlin called him a dirty name. I half expected Cutter to be angry but he just laughed and settled back further into his seat.
I stared out the window and felt bitterness for a time, looking at all the shiny, happy, and carefree people flitting by the window as we passed. I took the time to wallow in my own self-pity. Staring sightlessly yet seeing it all as it went by. Women smiling, men laughing, children playing in the sand on the beach… none of them having a single clue as to what went on in dark corners. In swanky and shady hotel rooms alike. In ‘private’ parties for the rich and famous. Of the tears and the hopeless nights that reeked of desperation and sex.
“Hey, you’re okay. Look at me.” I blinked and realized my face was wet. Marlin was crouched outside my car door, hands on his knees, sky blue eyes focused on mine. His dark blond hair crackled around his face like a mane, and the set of his mouth and the taught lines of his shoulders spoke of both power and determination. Looking at him, looming so close, in my personal space, I felt nothing other than utterly safe.
The tension in my own shoulders eased and he nodded as if something were confirmed for him, “Maybe a bit too much for today, huh Baby Girl?” he asked quietly and I sniffed and nodded.
“Okay, come on,” he stepped back from me and let me get out on my own. Hope stood a little behind and off to one side, Cutter’s hands on her shoulder’s kneading the muscles there.
“You okay, Bubbles?” she asked and I could see in her dark eyes that she knew as well as anyone that it wasn’t. She just didn’t know what else to ask… what else to say. Neither did I… so I just went with the old standby.
“I’m okay,” I lied, “Just tired, I think.” Which was true, now that I thought about it. I felt, completely drained from the small outing. Like I could sleep for a week now, and that was all I wanted to do. I just wanted to go upstairs and sleep. Crawl into bed and lie in an exhausted heap and never come out again.
“Come on, we’ll get this stuff put away and you can take a nap. Sound good?” Marlin’s voice was patient and kind but all I could see was how much I was hurting my sister. How much Hope felt like shit, and honestly, my mood spiraled ever downward. I suddenly wanted to fall asleep and simply never wake up. I was miserable.
My sister led me to the house and up the stairs to the big bedroom at the top and down the hall, with its beautiful floor to ceiling windows and view of the ocean. I couldn’t bear any of it. My emotions kaleidoscoped within me. Roiling and crashing into one another only to explode in a giant confused mess. It made me just want to curl up and cry. My heart raced, my throat squeezed tight, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I sat on the end of the large bed and Hope stood silently for a moment, looking me over.
“Bubbles, what’s wrong?” she asked softly and knelt at my feet. Marlin and Cutter, they set bags with our purchases on the creamy carpet just inside the bedroom door and backed out slowly to go get more. My sister had gone a little overboard and I’d let her; I think it was honestly more for her than for me. Hope had always been a total control freak and all of this was so far outside her control. Mine too.
“Faith…” she said a little helplessly. I shook my head a little violently and scrubbed my face with my hands.
“I don’t know,” I said helplessly, “It’s like I am feeling everything and nothing at once and yet, at the same time, I’m so horribly numb on the inside. I just feel so tired but I haven’t done anything. I shouldn’t
be
tired.”
Hope stood and turned, flopping into a seat beside me and wrapping her long, slim arms around me. I rested my head against her narrow shoulder and burst into tears, letting my hair hide my face from the room. Hope shushed me, making calm soothing noises like she used to do when Char and I were kids and had scraped a knee and somehow, somehow that helped.