“You should too be tired, everything you’re telling me is perfectly normal for someone dealing with anxiety and PTSD. I’ve got it myself.”
“I thought only soldiers could get that.” I moaned piteously.
“That’s a myth, Firefly. Anybody that’s been through some heavy shit can come up with post-traumatic stress disorder. Shit, some people get it from bein’ in a car accident.” Cutter stood to one side of the doorway, arms crossed loosely over his chest and raised his shoulders in a shrug that was strangely one I would describe as being… elegant.
“Did you hear him, Baby Girl? Anybody who’s been through something sudden or shocking can come up with it. What’s happened to you – ”
Marlin paused abruptly, a muscle in his jaw ticking in agitation under his golden scruff of a beard coming in around his goatee. He took a deep breath, “What you been through? It surely qualifies to give you a boatload of serious issues. Issues you may not even be aware you’ve got until something happens and you have a rough reaction. You’re good. We’ve got you. You agreeing to go see that doctor lady is one of the biggest hurdles in getting you better.” He stood in front of me, hands loose at his sides as if he were afraid to touch me and I closed my eyes. Of course he was.
I was dirty, cheap… a diseased whore. There was barely anything human left.
“You’re a brave girl, Firefly. And you ain’t doin’ none of this alone. You got your sisters, you got Marlin here, and you got me. By default you got any number of our guys behind you too. One step, one day, at a time. No need to get yourself overwhelmed.” Cutter’s voice interrupted the self-loathing inner monologue and I opened my eyes. I suddenly felt sick. Nauseated by the thought of what a burden I’d become to these people.
The weight of the world seemingly rested on my shoulders and I just wanted to lie down. I just wanted to be alone but at the same time, I didn’t want them to leave me. I couldn’t have it both ways though.
“I really,” I paused and tried to make up my mind on what is was I wanted and finally settled on the least selfish, “I really just want to lie down, be alone for a little while.”
“Okay,” Hope said quietly but I could see my sister was a touch crestfallen. Damn it. I sighed inwardly. She got up and the three of them moved the bags in front of the closet in a neat row before slipping out of the bedroom and shutting the door firmly behind them. I stood up and toed off the flip flops I’d been wearing, going around to the side of the bed that was toward the windows. I lifted the covers and slipped between the sheets fully dressed, turning my back on the serene, too-pretty-to-be-real view of the white sand, of the vivid blue sky the color of Marlin’s eyes where it met the aquamarine water the color of mine.
I just didn’t want to exist anymore and pretty soon, I didn’t, or the world didn’t. I couldn’t really tell, because I was fast asleep.
Chapter 9
Marlin
“Her first appointment is tomorrow,” Hope said, and the Captain pulled her into his side. Her good arm wound around his waist and they looked like they belonged together. Strong, more solid together than they’d ever been apart. It was good to see. The Captain deserved someone like that. We all liked L’il Bit but she was Reaver’s and that had always been plain to see.
“I’ll get her there, just like I swore I would. I don’t go back on my word.”
“No one’s sayin’ you would, or that you ever have, Brother.”
I nodded. The Captain was right, no one ever said that I would, it was just me that knew that I had… I had gone back on my word, on my vow, when it’d come to my brother Danny. I’d lost my patience with my brother after he’d gone back to that shit time and time again. I’d quit on him when once upon a time I’d swore I never would… and now he was dead.
My phone went off in the front pocket of my jeans and I dug it out, one glance at the screen and I was swearing softly. I slid the indicator bar and answered it.
“What’s up?”
“Just wondering, Man. Were you ever planning on bringing your ass back to work?” I gritted my teeth and fought not to snarl back at my surviving brother.
“Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something with the club, Johnny.”
He swore softly, or he’d pulled the phone away from his mouth before he’d done it. Either way, didn’t care, but I was gonna in a second.
“Well I booked you a client, they’re at the Scarlett Ann now, it’s only a four hour gig but the bills need to get fuckin’ paid, Bro.”
I was gonna fuckin’ kill him. I ground my teeth together and tilted my head from one side to the other until my neck creaked and finally gave with a loud crack. Once, then twice and in the span it took me to do it, I got a lid on my temper.
“You listen to me you little shit. I say who gets on my boat when. You get me? I live there, you don’t.”
“Whatever, Jim. I got a fuckin’ family to feed, you don’t. Get your fuckin’ ass down here and let’s get some fuckin change in our pockets. My kid wants to eat this week.”
The fucking little cock bite hung up on me. Cutter and Hope both locked me with looks of bemusement and wide eyed empathy.
“I’d throat punch him,” Hope said judiciously. I huffed a small laugh.
“He’s more’n just my business partner, he’s my brother.”
“I’d still punch him,” she said with a blasé, one shouldered shrug.
“Trust me, it doesn’t work.”
She gave a dramatic sigh, “It really doesn’t.”
Cutter’s shoulders shook with silent laughter and he finally shook his head, “You were headed that way anyways, go on. She’s out like a traffic light and probably will be for a minute. Your brother’s half right, it’s been a leaner season than most. Of course it don’t really get started for a while yet. We got this, man. Go do your thing.”
I clasped hands with my P. and we pulled each other in, slapping one another hardily on the back. I gave Hope a nod and she gave me a serious one back.
“See you soon,” she uttered and I made for the door.
It didn’t sit well with me leavin’ like this, but Johnny’d painted me into a corner. I fuckin’ hated that shit and you’d best believe we’d be havin’ words about it.
After
we’d gotten rid of whoever was on my fuckin’ boat without me. By Christ, Johnny had better be on the Scarlett Ann when I got there, with whoever he’d given the go ahead to board.
You’d like to think he was the older of the two of us, but I out stripped him by a year and more. Danny’d been younger than me by four, mama’s little miracle baby. Spoiled rotten ‘cause of it too. Danny’d gotten away with fuckin’ murder out of the three of us growing up. My parents had started late with me an’ Johnny as it was. Mama had had Danny in her mid-forties. We’d all been named for the bible. God fearing, my folks. I’d gotten stuck with James, Johnny was after John the Baptist and Danny? Well, Mama’d decided that with how high risk the pregnancy had been, our little brother had made it out of the lion’s den and so he’d gotten Daniel.
I made strides out the front door of Cutter’s house and threw a leg over my waiting bike. I checked her over thoroughly. When Hope’s bike had gone into the crash truck I’d bitten the bullet and let the prospect fuckin’ ride her. There wasn’t a scratch on her. I must have inspected her at least a dozen times over the last couple of weeks but she was fine. I still kept expecting to find some kind of flaw in her but the kid had taken good care of her for me. I think he was going to work out.
I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes and started her up, my lips curving into an appreciative smile. Rides, even short ones, had been few and far between with the situation what it was. I was in some serious need of some wind therapy to blow out some of the cobwebs and ick coating my soul from the epic pile of shit I’d been shoveling. Not that I regretted one minute of it. Championing this particular cause had never felt so right, but that didn’t stop it from taking its toll.
Faith was a beautiful mess. I didn’t fault her for that in the slightest, not after what’d been done to her. It was going to be a long haul to reel her back in from the devastation that’d been visited on her. I still didn’t know if she would ever be quite right. Don’t suppose anybody could be after something like that. Better, sure, but some things left indelible marks that nothing would ever take away completely.
The struggle to pull my mind off of Faith and onto getting to my boat and whoever was on it
off it
, was real. I gave the throttle and the handlebars a twist, gently guiding myself out onto the street. The ride to the marina was way too fuckin’ short, and did nothing to quench my thirst for beating the brakes off my brother. I backed my bike into my garage and locked her in. I was intentionally taking my time to piss off Johnny-boy, but at the same time I was itching to get on my boat and get this fishing trip over with. I double checked my pockets and satisfied my cargo was intact, headed for the dock my boat was moored at.
The Scarlett Ann was a thing of beauty. Forty-two feet and state of the art, she was all business, except when she was my home, which was when she was docked here. I tried to keep the scowl off my face as I made strides up the dock and down to my slip. Couldn’t help it when I heard the off key singing and the discordant notes I was pretty sure was coming out of my guitar.
I hoisted myself up and onto my deck to four curious faces looking in my direction. Two dudes and two chicks, all young, like in their twenties and my fucking brother was not among them. The dude sitting in one of my deck chairs guiltily lowered my guitar and the dude that had been standing, back to the railing wasn’t laughing anymore, but damn sure wanted to be friendly like. He stuck out his hand all bright and eager and I had to keep repeating to myself, over and over,
he’s a paying customer, don’t deck him. He’s a paying customer, be
nice.
“Hi! You must be Jimmy.”
“Marlin,” I grated and begrudgingly took the dude’s hand. It took everything in me not to crush his fucking fingers in my grip. “Folks around here call me Marlin,” I said and forced a smile onto my face. As soon as this ordeal was over I was gonna have words with my brother and I’d probably let my fists do the talking. This shit was a million fucking miles away from cool.
“Right, Marlin. I’m Kevin, this is Douglas and this is my fiancé Karen, and Doug’s girlfriend Kristen.”
I pinned Dougie-boy with a look, “Does that belong to you?” I asked, eyeing my guitar.
“Uh, no…” he answered.
“Then why are your fucking hands on it?”
He hastily set my guitar aside and I turned back to Kevin and asked, “Any idea where my brother John is?”
“He went to get some ice,” the blonde chick introduced as Karen pitched in.
“Uh huh, well, when this ain’t our fishing boat, it’s my home. You didn’t know that though, did you?” Four heads shook as one and I nodded.
Fuck my fucking brother sideways.
“In any case, welcome aboard,” I said in a grudging attempt to ease the tension in the air my temper had caused, “Soon as Johnny shows up, we’ll get underway.”
“Woah! Johnny’s right here!” my brother called cheerfully from the dock. I turned and he heaved a bag of ice up to me. I caught it and glared murder at him. The little shit just smiled up at me and oh, the fuck yeah, I would be wiping that shit right off his fucking face when we were done here, if not sooner.
Johnny’s smile faltered as we loaded the built-in coolers on deck with ice. I left my brother to it while I set about starting up and casting off. The four paying customers began to ease up and relax under my brother’s routine, which was fine by me. It was why we were partners in the first place. He dealt with certain kinds of people better than I could. Usually, the yuppie kind. I got along better with the true sport fishermen, but the amateurs paid more. I could teach them, even had the patience to teach them right – what I didn’t have the patience for, especially now, was the small talk aspect of things.
All I’d wanted to do was come to the boat and grab my fucking laptop. I didn’t
need
to be out here with these fucking yahoos, and neither would my damn brother if he didn’t spend his share down to the fucking wire every time he got a bit of cash in his pocket. Greedy little prick. He was a lot like Danny’d been that way.
I undid the ropes and started to cast off. Johnny moved over to help and we worked in unison, the silence between us thick and alive, sitting heavy like one of Hossler’s fuckin’ snakes in the grass. Motionless, but you knew it was about to strike, could tell by that stillness.
I could barely keep a lid on it, and the way my brother kept glancing at me, these furtive looks to gauge how pissed off I was? Well, that shit wasn’t helping. All it did was serve to piss me off more. Johnny moved closer to me and I knew he was about to say something so I did what I had to do to keep it cool. I took a deep breath and held it, bit the inside of my cheek, and kept my hands busy coiling the line.
“Dude, I’m sorry it had to come to this but…”
“Stop right there, little brother. I don’t want no cock and bull fuckin’ sob story about your money troubles. I’m here, I’m doin’ it, but while I do, you need to shut the fuck up and keep
your
guests happy. We’ll talk about it when they’re gone. I’ll tell you this right now, though.” I leaned in real close and brought myself eye to eye with my brother, “You
ever
let
anyone
on my boat and you ain’t glued to their ass, or I’m not already here, I will fucking
end you
Johnny boy. This is my
home
you little cock weasel. I don’t let my boys into your house randomly. Don’t you
ever
. You get me?”
I’d talked to Danny like this a million times, but I could only count on one hand the number of times I’d been this pissed at Johnny. Usually he and I were on an even keel. Then Danny’d died. Right after he’d knocked up his cunt of a wife, and rushed the wedding. Then, as soon as she’d dropped one kid, he’d knocked her up with the next. Wasn’t no way he was getting away from that judgmental, gold digging bitch. Lynn had her hook set in deep and Johnny’d swallowed it. There weren’t no catch and release when that happened. Not that I’d trade my niece and nephew for anything. Cute as bug’s ears. The both of them.