“Ready, Baby Girl?” I asked her. She nodded rapidly, and I shoved the blanket back in my saddle bag while she donned my helmet and safety glasses I’d left on the seat for her.
We rode through a coffee stand and drank it in the parking lot, she barely picked at her pastry I’d bought to go along with it, but she put enough of it down to satisfy me. It was just to hold her until we got back to Ft. Royal.
I drove her over to the office building that the good doctor had her set up in and sat back against the bike, pulling out a cigarette.
“Aren’t you going in with me?” she asked softly.
“Nope.”
She frowned slightly, “Why not?”
“This is all you, Baby Girl. I’m not here to make you do nothin’. You asked me to drive you to your appointment and I’ve done that. The rest is on you. No one but you can make the decision to go in there, to get better. We can help you here and there, but this part of the journey is all yours.” She stared at me, her aquamarine eyes wide and fuckin’ stunning in the bright sunshine.
“You won’t even come into the waiting room?” she asked.
“Nope, this place, this time, it’s all yours. I’ll be right here waiting for you to come out.” I watched her chew her bottom lip in apprehension and smiled. Of course, that must be it. I pulled my keys to the bike out of my pocket and up ended her hand, dropping them in. I curled her fingers around them and said, “I promise, and you can count on that, alright?”
She stared at the keys, at her hand resting in my palm, and I took it away. She looked up at me solemn, but a big chunk of the anxiety that’d been in her face the moment before was gone. She took a deep, deep breath and handed me the keys back.
“I believe you, Marlin,” she said quietly and I smiled.
“Glad to hear it, Baby Girl.” And with one last lingering look over her shoulder she went into the building.
Chapter 12
Faith
I’d been quiet when I’d come out of the office, and on the ride back to the house. I’d had a lot to think about. I still had a lot to think about. Dr. Shiendland had been quiet and attentive, had listened and asked questions, and I was surprised to find that it was easy to talk to her. We’d talked about the boy, about his gift of the leather wristband and why I couldn’t stop thinking about him, but I found myself extremely reluctant to talk about Marlin, so I simply hadn’t brought him up.
When we arrived back at the house, Hope and Cutter were waiting on the front steps, my sister was agitated, bouncing in place, Cutter’s hand on her shoulders as if he were the only thing holding her in place, and that very well could be. When we pulled up, I half expected it to fly out of her mouth how sick and tired she was about me being so irresponsible, but instead, she flew forward and wrapped me in a hug so tight, I thought she’d break me.
“Are you okay?” she asked, and all I could manage to do was nod. Cutter winked at me from behind her and I felt a faint answering smile.
“Jesus Christ, Hope. You wanna let her off the bike?” Marlin asked in front of me.
“Don’t even get me started with you!” Hope snapped and I swallowed hard,
there
was my sister.
Corporal Badass
, as Charity and I liked to call her behind her back. Thinking of Charity immediately brought guilt and shame rushing to the surface. I hadn’t spoken to her yet. I hadn’t been ready, but I was out of excuses and I couldn’t hide from her forever.
“I’d like to call Charity now, if it’s alright.”
Hope leaned back abruptly and searched my face, hers full of apprehension. Whatever she saw on my own smoothed it out and I wondered, not for the first time, what kind of horrible my sister thought I was going to do, what she thought I was up to. I kept silent, didn’t try to argue with her, or snap at her. What was the use? Hope was always going to look at me and see the worst parts of me. The only difference was, now, when I looked in the mirror; that was all I saw too.
I felt guilty, keeping Charity away, not speaking to the sister who always and forever only saw the good in me. Dr. Sheindland had asked me a question about that. Then followed up with an open ended, ambiguous one that left me reeling and feeling three inches tall.
Don’t you think your sister needs to hear from you? That she isn’t sitting in agonized wonder?
“Sure, yeah, okay, Bubbles.”
I let my older sister lead me into the house, glancing back over my shoulder at Marlin, still astride his motorcycle. His expression was unreadable, as he looked me over and watched me go. I wondered what it was he was thinking as we moved from his sight, and if he still stared after me as much as I did after him, still looking over my shoulder long after we passed from his sight.
“You okay, Bubbles?” I startled and looked at my sister, and felt my eyes were a little wide. She stopped us and turned me to look at her.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“Nothing!”
“You suck at lying to me, Faith. Always have, and always will. You know I’m always two steps ahead of you, so spill.”
I didn’t speak; I didn’t know what to say. Finally Hope narrowed her dark eyes and asked, “Did he do something to you?”
“No!”
“Then where were you all last night?”
“We went for a ride.” I stared at my sister and her mouth thinned down into that hard assed line, “I’m serious, we went for a ride and we stopped and we were watching the stars and we fell asleep. I swear, that’s all.”
Her shoulders dropped and she sighed out, “Let me guess, you’re feeling like you’re fourteen…”
“And just like when you caught me making out with Ray Tanzer in the back seat of his Mustang.” I muttered dejectedly.
“But you’re not fourteen anymore.”
“No, I’m not.”
She sighed, “I’m sorry, Bubbles.”
“Me, too.” I said softly.
“What are you sorry for?” she asked, face scrunching in confusion.
“That I’m such a pain in your ass, and for doing the wrong thing like all the time, I really don’t mean to, Hope! I just…”
“You like him, huh?” she asked and there wasn’t anything hard or accusatory in her voice; just soft resignation.
I looked up from my feet where my gaze had affixed itself and felt a little nauseous at the look of pity on my sister’s face.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said softly, “No one is going to be interested in an ex-junkie whore.”
“Faith!” Hope barked sharply.
“Don’t ‘Faith’ me, Hope! Look, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I just want to call Charity. She needs to know.” I stared my sister in the face and she wilted a little.
“Needs to know, what?”
“That I love her, and I miss her, and that I’m not okay but I’m going to try, really hard, to get better. I just want to have the time to do that before she comes down here. I don’t want her thinking that I don’t love and care about her, I don’t want you to think that either, I just have a lot to deal with and nobody can help me do it. I just have to do it on my own. Nobody can help me but me with a lot of this.”
“Sounds like you and Doctor Sheindland had a good talk today.”
“I have a lot to think about,” I agreed. Hope nodded and pulled me into a tight hug.
“Here for whatever you need, Bubs.”
“Thanks, Buttercup.” I sniffed, eyes welling hot and hugged my sister back.
She reached into her back pocket and dialed her phone, handing it to me.
“Hope, how’s Faith, does she want to talk to me yet?” my little sister answered by way of greeting.
“I never didn’t want to talk to you, Charity.” I said sniffing and sank into one of the chairs at the large dining room table, where Hope and I had ended up. Hope went into the kitchen and poured a glass of water from the tap and brought it over along with a paper towel.
Silence greeted me on the other end of the phone and finally a muffled sob came through, “Are you okay?” Charity asked and I breathed in deep through my nose and out through my mouth and did what the doctor had told me, I didn’t minimize it. I didn’t lie and say I was fine, I did what I was told and confronted what had happened to me, head on.
“No, I’m not. I’m really not, Baby Sis,” and then I took it one step further, I took a little piece of myself back from those bastards and gave it to my sisters. I looked at Hope, and I looked over, past the stairs at Marlin and Cutter coming through the door. I met Marlin’s sky blue eyes and told Charity, “But I’m going to be.”
Chapter 13
Marlin
She’d withdrawn some, after she’d got off the phone with her sister. She’d been quiet all through lunch and even when Cutter had pulled Hope away. She’d gone upstairs, equally silent and when she’d come back down, she was showered and in fresh clothes. I turned from loading up the dishwasher when I heard her soft tread behind me and had to stop and give her a once over.
She had on some short, cut-off denim shorts, which probably cost an arm to buy ‘em in their current condition rather than make ‘em herself out of a pair of jeans ready to give up the ghost. A swimsuit top peeked out over the nude, threadbare boat necked cover up she had on over it all. It hung longer in the back than it did the front and she swam in it, like it was her boyfriend’s sweater back in high school and she’d never given it up.
“You look good, Baby Girl.” I said, softly encouraging.
“Thanks.”
The silence stretched between us and finally she blurted out, “Can I go for a walk? On the beach… I think I’d like that.” She stood there looking so uncertain, like I’d tell her no, and that she had to stay in the house or something. It was probably going to take a while for her to get she wasn’t a prisoner. That one of us didn’t have to be with her at all times. I sighed.
“You don’t need my permission, Darlin’. You want some company? Is that why you’re askin’?”
She turned her upper body, and gazed out towards the water, finally giving in to one side of the war in her head and nodding mutely. I closed up the dishwasher and started it up, grabbing up a dish towel and wiping off my hands.
“Lead the way, Sweetheart.”
We trudged slowly through the powder fine sand in silence, towards the water at a pretty good clip. Once we reached it, she stopped and stared longingly out over it, like it held some kind of escape for her but she was trapped here on land. I knew that feeling, but I’d found, even with the boat and going out on it, there wasn’t no escape out there. The monsters don’t live under your bed; they live inside your head.
I kept silent on the matter; she didn’t need it right now. She hadn’t asked my fucking opinion. I stopped to roll up the cuffs of my jeans and work my way out of my boots, tying my laces together and slinging them over my shoulder with the socks stuffed in ‘em. Faith was up ahead by just a bit, and turned back to look at me, as if to make sure I wasn’t leaving. Her aquamarine eyes were vibrant against the backdrop of white sand and with the sun full on out like it was… damn. It was like she was some kind of angel or something. Beautifully broken, trapped here on earth. She stood silently and held back a hand, waiting for me to catch up.
I smiled and caught up to her, but was careful not to touch, no matter how bad I wanted to.
Fuck all if I wanted to, so fuckin’ bad.
Still, the girl was like fine art, and so fragile. It was my place to look, but not touch. Not yet, anyhow. Maybe someday, but definitely not today.
So you can imagine my surprise when she stopped abruptly and whirled and I crashed full on into her, my arms snapping up automatically to cradle her, to keep from doing any harm. She looked up at me, her breath catching and I was frozen, rooted to the spot and damn near slain by those bright, mystical eyes of hers, staring so deeply into my own.
“You okay, Baby Girl?” I asked and she blinked, once, slowly the wheels in her head turning at a furious pace. I went very still as she raised herself up onto her toes and leaned into me.
Her lips were silken fire where they brushed my own and I couldn’t help it. My eyes slipped shut, and I held myself, so very, very still, as she leaned further into me, lips pressing minutely against mine.
Supple and soft, her body fitted against my own and I let my hands slide forward, around her back, smoothing down around her waist, tugging her lightly into me, closer, a more intimate embrace. I knew I shouldn’t, I knew she wasn’t ready, I knew
I
wasn’t ready; but I couldn’t help myself.
I breathed her in, and the mix of her scent, along with the salty tang of ocean water was a heady mix. Her tongue flickered out and touched my bottom lip and I groaned. I wanted her so badly I ached, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let this happen, not right now, not so soon. I lifted my hands and softly cradled her face between them. I pecked her lips in a chaste kiss that tasted too much like goodbye for my liking and she lowered herself, sinking flat footed to the sand.
I opened my eyes and found hers, welling softly; a stricken look on her face. I smiled sadly and sighed out.
“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have let that happen.” I murmured and she bowed her head, studiously not looking at me, suddenly finding the sand to be the most interesting thing in the world.
“It’s okay, I…”
“No, it’s not, Baby Girl. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what’s happened to you, I can’t do that to you.” I murmured. She flinched as if she’d been doused with cold water and turned; aquamarine eyes distant over the water that matched so beautifully.
She didn’t speak again. We quietly walked side by side and she wouldn’t look at me again, and I felt something like a falling sensation in the center of my chest.
“What was that for, anyways?” I asked a time later. She stared at me through her fractured innocence for a long, hard moment, before turning, her pace becoming brisk as she made her way back to the house we were nearing.
“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath, “Way to screw the fucking pooch, Jimmy.” I bowed my head and pulled on the back of my neck to loosen up some of the tension there and wondered how I would fix it before finally deciding there wasn’t anything I could fix. Time. Time was the only cure for what ailed her. Time and a whole lot of patience.