I kept her in my sights until she disappeared into the back slider, and pulled out a cigarette once she’d gone. I smoked, and finished the walk back, dropping my boots on the retaining wall ledge and planting my ass right next to them to finish my cig. I glanced up and saw her in the bedroom window looking down at me, but the second she saw me look up, she disappeared again.
Something wasn’t sitting right with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I didn’t have time to think about it either, ‘cause my phone was going off in my pocket. I fished it out.
“Aw, Christ,” I muttered before accepting the call.
“Yeah, Johnny, what’s up?”
“I was giving you the heads up; I’m taking the Scarlett Ann out tomorrow. I could use the help on this trip, I know you said three days or so, so if you can’t I can get a temporary hire, I just thought I’d offer it to you first.”
I glanced up to the empty window glass and decided I needed some familiar ground for a minute, and that Faith could probably use a break from me.
“What time?” I asked.
Chapter 14
Faith
I walked away. I felt so many things, but ultimately all I could do was walk away. My physical voice stolen from me by the one inside my head.
Of course he wouldn’t want you. Junkie whore! Who in their right mind would want you after that? He’s just being nice to you out of guilt.
I was crushed under a mountain of self-derision and admittedly, a few broken hopes and maybe a shattered dream or two. I slipped up the stairs wraith-like and dejected heading straight to the bedroom I’d been staying in to sit on the bed.
What were you thinking!?
I screamed silently at myself, locking it down, hiding it away, stuffing my hand in my mouth and doubling over as the tears rushed hot and fierce.
How could you have been so stupid?
Helpless anger raged through me, and slipped through my fingers like rain. How could they have done this to me? How was I ever going to get past this? I breathed in deeply through my nose and held my breath before letting it out slowly, repeating the process over and over until I felt calmer and almost on the verge of sleep before rising to my feet.
I was so
embarrassed
, but there wasn’t anyone I could talk to. Hope would just berate me for sure, make it my fault. Just like she had with everything else; school, boys, the trouble I’d gotten in all through school…
but all of that
was
your fault.
It was true. As much as I had always hated to admit it, it was all true, it was always true; it was
all my fault.
I touched the leather and metal band around my wrist and swallowed hard, remembering the little ray of light in my otherwise darkened world.
“You deserve so much better than this, Star, and I am so sorry. I didn’t know, I didn’t know. Please, forgive me?”
It’d never happened, not once before, not a single time… Not once. The sincerity in his eyes, the anguish in his voice, it made everything so real, shocked me out of my high long enough to hold onto the stolen moment with both hands. He’d taken off his leather wrist cuff and had pressed it into my physical fingers.
I believed him when he’d told me he’d get me out; then the cops came. It had to be him; he couldn’t have known that they wouldn’t believe
me
. He’d tried and that was what mattered, because I knew what it felt like to try and fail over and over again.
I went to the window and spotted Marlin sitting on the edge of the short wall lining the back patio. He was smoking, head bowed, hair falling loose in front of his face from the short tail he’d tried to tame it into. He looked pensive, and I couldn’t help but sigh, my face flaming in further embarrassment.
He was gorgeous, and strong, and all of the things that I was not. I looked at my reflection in the glass and felt my heart drop. I was too thin; my bones standing out against my skin, stark and prominent and the haunted expression never seemed to leave my face. I refocused on Marlin and he looked up, squinting into the bright sunlight. I stepped back quickly, unwilling to meet his gaze.
Instead, I set about picking through the bags of forgotten clothes, putting them away. At one point I looked back to the bedside table and the little pink music player sitting there, charging. I guess it didn’t really mean anything after all. Something to keep me quiet, make things easier, the fact it made things easier for
me
was just a bonus, right?
I sank to sit cross legged on the floor and sniffed, scrubbing my face with my hands. I felt like there was a firestorm of bitter and unfair emotions swirling inside my heart and head. It was hard to breathe, like so much broken glass, shards of memory and the catastrophe that was my life flying in a cyclone, shredding me from the inside out until I lay huddled on the floor, weeping silently but uncontrollably.
God, was this going to be me for the rest of my life?
“Faith? Faith, Honey?” The door swung open and Hope sighed, lowering herself in a crouch beside me. I sobbed harder and my sister sighed. She didn’t say anything, instead she lay down behind me and pulled me back into her arms, her cast dug into my stomach but I didn’t care. Instead, I cave into the despair and cried the broken and sour parts of me out onto the bedroom floor until I felt purged. Hollow and empty, I let my big sister cuddle me like our mom used to do to us when we were little, until the sun sank low behind the horizon.
“This about Marlin?” she asked some time later as we sat on the bed and ate ice cream. Cutter had brought it upstairs, handed it over to my sister wordlessly and with a wink and a little salute had closed the door behind us. The cold, creamy, confection felt good against my raw throat and it was mint chocolate chip, my favorite.
“It was stupid,
I
was stupid.” I bit my lips together.
“No, it wasn’t,” Hope sighed and set her bowl aside. “He makes you feel safe, doesn’t he?” she asked. I nodded wordlessly.
“Okay, Bubbles. We don’t have to talk about it,” she said with a sigh.
“I’m so embarrassed,” I moaned.
“It’s not the end of the world, I know it feels that way, but it’s really not, I promise.”
I snorted, “Why couldn’t you have been like this when I was fourteen?” I asked.
“Like what?”
“Understanding.”
Hope’s expression changed and she looked out the window and sighed.
“Because I was stupid, and being unfair. I was still a kid myself when I started taking care of you guys, and let’s face it, I suck as a parent.”
I laughed a little and Hope laughed too.
“I didn’t want you to be my parent,
mom
was the parent and she died… I needed my sister.” I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling and Hope sighed out defeated. She took my ice cream out of my hands and set it aside with hers and pulled me into a hug.
“I know, Bubs. I’m so sorry. I was hurting too and I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I thought was right. It turned out to be all wrong, didn’t it?”
I held tighter to my sister Hope, who had always seemed like a woman on a mission, a woman with a plan and now; now it was like she hadn’t had one at all.
“I’m sorry,” I warbled, suddenly soul crushingly guilty for having been such a pain in her fucking ass all this time.
“You were just being a kid, Faith. There’s nothing to be sorry about, if anybody it should be me who’s sorry for setting you up for failure. I pushed so hard, made it so you didn’t want to talk to me.”
It was true, “But that doesn’t mean I had to stop talking, that was my fault…” we dissolved into a puddle of mutual goo in the middle of the big bed.
“What are we going to do?” I asked.
“The only thing we can, Bubs. We’re going to keep going. Pick up the pieces, fit ‘em together and move on. It’s the only thing we can do, right?”
I nodded mutely. I wanted so desperately to prove myself to Hope, once and for all. That I could do this, that I could survive and still make something, anything, out of my life… I had to. Not just for my older sister, but for Charity, my younger sister, too.
I must have been babbling because Hope, smoothed a hand over my hair, “Forget me; forget Char, too. Do it for
you,
Baby. Do it for
you.
”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wasn’t worth it… I wasn’t worth any of it, and right then, not for the first time, I just wanted to die. I just wanted to give up and die.
God, why didn’t you just let me die?
Chapter 15
Marlin
“Glad you called,” Cutter grunted and dropped down onto his couch. I didn’t bother moving my head from the back of the loveseat, just rolled my eyes in his direction.
“Yeah, well, I figure I’m the
last
motherfucker she wants to see right now.” I sighed out and pressed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.
“Probably, but you did the right thing, Brother.”
I huffed a busted ass laugh full of disgust, mostly for myself. It didn’t feel good, being in this position, but when I’d heard her muffled sobbing on the other side of the door, I realized my rejection had hit her hard, where it’d counted and I knew for sure I was the last person to handle that kind of shit. I’d called the Captain, and by default, the big guns – his woman.
“I wouldn’t worry about it, Man.” I listened to the scrape of denim and leather as he leaned forward. I pulled my hands away from my eyes and looked at him. He searched my face and sighed out harshly and bowed his head, bouncing it in a sloppy nod as if I’d confirmed something for him.
“She hit you right in the feels, didn’t she?” he asked.
I didn’t bother to deny it, but I didn’t go out of my way to confirm it either. I felt my lips thin down into something like grim resignation. Finally, I broke and said, “I’d be a fuckin’ liar if I said it weren’t true.”
“It always gets you when you least expect it. So, what’re you planning on doing about it?”
“I think I already proved I ain’t doing nothin’.”
“Not now, you ain’t, and a good thing too, but what about later down the line?”
“I’m gonna watch her, protect her, and when she’s ready, she’ll come back around. She’ll get it figured out. I just hope that doctor is gonna help her.”
“Yeah, about that doctor, I think she was a good bet. She wants to see Faith twice a week to start. You still gonna take her out there?”
“Fuck yeah, you just see what happens if anybody tried to stop me. I swore I’d give her a ride and I meant it.”
Cutter eyed me speculatively and finally nodded, and I knew my Captain would have my back on this, and probably would smooth the way with her sister. I had a feeling when Hope got down here that I was gonna end up public enemy number one, but I knew I’d done the right thing by Faith. Even if it’d sucked doing it.
Cutter sighed, “I expect some of the guys’ll give you hell for this,” he said nonchalantly.
“Yeah, like to see it. I’ll break some fucking heads.”
Cutter chuckled and we lapsed into silence. I felt agitated. I itched to go up and try and do something, but I knew it was a bad idea.
“I need a cigarette,” I mumbled and got up heading for the back door. Cutter let out a sharp whistle and I turned.
“Nice try, Man. Why don’t you blow smoke out front? Where you can’t go lookin’ up at windows.” He raised his eyebrows at me and I felt mine crush down in return, that hadn’t been my fuckin’ intention… I strode to the front door and went out. Who the fuck was I kidding? It had too.
I pulled a cigarette out of the pack with my lips and my lighter out of the little pocket in my jacket under my cut. I wanted to go for a ride somethin’ fuckin’ fierce but Faith was up there feelin’ like shit on a kind of me and I didn’t want to leave until I knew she was doin’ better. Fuck, I’d hated shutting her down like that.
The door opened and shut as I sucked in that first drag and felt my nerves settle marginally.
“Hope you’re done bustin’ my chops, Cap. I’m not sure I can handle much more without putting my fist somewhere it don’t belong.”
“Oooh, baby! Sounds fun, but I’ll pass.” I turned sharply and squinted into the dim light of the porches overhang at Hope.
“Sorry,” I grunted.
“Don’t be,” she sighed and leaned back against the door.
“How she doin’?”
“Physically, fine. Mentally and emotionally, a fucking train wreck.”
“Look, Hope, you gotta believe me when I say, I didn’t expect her to –”
“What? Like you?”
“Kiss me.”
“Same thing at this point,” she said, waving her hands ineffectually in the air between us. Her casted arm bulky, making what would have been a graceful movement on her part quite a bit more awkward, but Hope didn’t seem to notice or care.
“When’s that thing come off?” I tried to divert the conversation onto something else that didn’t make me feel like a total tool bag.
“It’s only been around a month, six to eight weeks they said. Don’t change the subject.”
I exhaled a plume of smoke and said, “No ma’am, wouldn’t dream of it.”
We were silent for some time and finally I asked, “She hate me?”
“No, but I wouldn’t call you her favorite person right now.”
“Ain’t giving up on her, you know that right?”
“Ha! If you did, I’d have to whoop your ass again.”
“Again? Oh, you think you can take me, huh?” I looped an arm around her neck and hugged her sideway, rubbing my knuckles against her hair; not near as hard as I would if she were one of the boys, but yeah. Hope had proven herself. She was, in all reality, one of the guys; which was only slightly weird as fuck. She fit with us, and it was like she was made for the Captain. She’d probably keep him busy for the rest of time with how much of a challenge she put up for him.
“I don’t know what to do, Marlin.” Hope was staring out at nothing, her dark eyes distant.
“She looks fine, like she’s filling out and gettin’ back to healthy, but her brain chemistry is still a mess from that shit. Not just what happened to her, but the drugs are still fucking with her. She’s still in withdrawal. You gotta remember that. This is the hardest part, right here; ain’t no cure for it but time. Time and no access to what made her sick in the first place.”