Masquerade (31 page)

“
It’s a slippery slope to
sin.”

“
What are you saying,
Mother?”

“
After you missed so much
Bible study lately the pastor tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t
listen. But after what I just saw…I can’t ignore it.”

My stomach cramped. This wasn’t going
to be good. “I’ll be better,” I promised, not even understanding
what I was promising.

“
It’s too late. You were
marked, the damage is done.”

“
Marked?”

“
By evil. That scar on your
face proves it.”

“
You…you… think I’m evil?”
I swallowed the bile rising in my throat.

Mom stood from the table and smoothed
her skirt and top. “Don’t worry, we can fix this.”

How do you fix someone you thought was
evil?

“
There is this camp,
beginning right after school lets out. It will save
you.”

“
I…” My own mother thought
I was evil, and that my scars proved it. I’d thought a lot about
these scars, how they made me look and feel. But never once, not in
a million years, had I ever thought that they were because I was
marked by evil. But my mother had. My own mother didn’t think I was
good, she was ashamed of me. I felt myself worth
shrivel.

“
I know you have questions
about camp. I need to use the restroom, and then we can have a long
talk.”

Numbly I nodded as she went. At the
door she paused and looked back. “This is for the best, Heven.
Someday you’ll thank me.”

When the bathroom door closed behind
her, I went to the back door and opened it soundlessly. There,
beneath a large oak tree was Sam. His face was drawn and pale. He’d
heard everything. We stared at each other from across the yard; the
distance between us seemed tremendous. From inside the house I
heard the toilet flush. I jumped, and Sam stiffened. Moving quickly
I stepped out onto the porch, shutting the door behind me. I
couldn’t stay here. When I reached him he held out his hand, and I
took it.

Then we ran.

Chapter
Sixteen

Heven

Where did you go when your life was
spiraling out of control? To a place that felt safe. A place you
knew you could be yourself.

Even if being yourself
meant being evil
. Deep down I knew I
wasn’t evil but a small part of me whispered, “What if?”

“
Take me to my grandma’s.
Please,” I whispered. It hurt to talk. It hurt to breathe. How
could she think that I was evil? Was I?

Sam nodded and fired up the engine of
his truck. At first I thought him watching over me was like being
stalked. Now, I was thankful. Things between me and him were not
even close to being good, but if I was honest with myself (and
right now I had to be), I trusted him. I peeked over at him to see
him staring through the windshield, jaw set, face hard. My mother
hadn’t been nice to him, banning him from the house and looking at
him like he was trash.

“
I’m sorry.”

The wheel jerked beneath his hands and
he looked over at me. “You’re sorry?”

“
My
mother was very rude to you.”

“
Rude to me?” he choked. “I
don’t care about me. I’m so sorry that she said those things to
you. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t brought China into your life
then your mother wouldn’t think that you are evil. Shit, because of
me, your own mother thinks you were marked by Satan.”

I stared out my window. I didn’t want
to think about the things she’d said.

“
It’s not true,” he said
roughly.

“
Maybe it is.” Ahh, and
there was the thought that bothered me most. What if there
was
something bad inside
of me?

He laughed a hollow sound. “I know all
about evil, and you are not it.”

“
Do you?”

“
I’m a hellhound,
Heven.”

I still had no clue what that really
meant. We turned onto the dirt lane that led to Grandma’s house,
and I began to panic. What if Mom called her? What if Grandma
turned me away and said she agreed with my mother? What would I do,
where would I go? I couldn’t breathe, and I clawed at my throat,
wheezing. My whole body began to shake and I broke out in a clammy
sweat.

I felt a strong hand on the back of my
head, forcing it down between my knees. “Deep breaths, honey. In,
out, in, out.”

I tried to match my breathing to his
voice, and after several tries, some of the tightness in my chest
receded. I kept my head down because I didn’t want him to see my
tears. This was by far the worst day of my life.

“
It’s okay. Everything’s
going to be fine.”

I noticed that the truck
wasn’t moving anymore. I looked up. We were parked near the house,
beneath a tree. Sam swiped the pad of his thumb across my cheek. I
sighed, sitting all the way up. He already saw that I was crying.
“Thanks for giving me a ride.” I placed my hand on the
handle to get out.

“
What? I don’t even get a
thank you for giving you a ride?” he asked in mock
horror.

I smiled and turned back toward him.
“Thank you, Sam. For the ride.”

“
There’s that beautiful
smile. I missed it.” He said, his fingers inching across the seat
toward me.

I turned away, pulled the
handle and opened my door.

“
You can walk away from me
just like that?” he asked low, all trace of joking
aside.

No.

I was in his arms, crushed against him
so fast that I wasn’t aware he’d moved. A broken sob escaped me,
and I pushed closer against him. I knew that I should think about
everything he’d done and all the things I had yet to know, but in
that moment I didn’t care. He made me feel better, and that counted
for something, didn’t it? I felt his lips brush the top of my head,
and I let him hold me a little longer. Too soon, I sat up, putting
distance between us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement and
looked toward the house. Grandma was on the porch, watching us with
the phone clutched in her hand.

“
I have to go.”

“
I’m coming with
you.”

“
You can’t.”

“
I will not leave you here
unless I know she…”

“
Doesn’t think I’m evil
too?”

He gave a tight nod. I looked past him
to Grandma. She waved. Swallowing my fear I got out and went around
the truck toward the porch. I couldn’t stop the tears that filled
my eyes.

“
You’re mother called,”
Gran said, frowning.

I nodded.

“
I told her you would be
staying with me for a while.”

Relief poured through me so great that
I staggered. I heard a truck door slam behind me, and I held up my
hand to tell him I was fine. “Thank you, Grandma.”

Her eyes softened. “You
couldn’t possibly think I’d turn you away? My favorite
granddaughter?” She shook her head. “Come inside, you look like you
need some coffee. And bring your friend; it’s clear he’s not
leaving until he knows you’re safe.” The door shut softly
behind her.

I turned and motioned for Sam. He was
out of the truck instantly. A hysteric laugh bubbled out of me. Sam
reached my side. “What is it?”

“
She invited you
in.”

“
Well of course I did, I
know a good man when I see one,” Grandma called from behind the
screen.

I laughed again. Sam took
my elbow and guided me into the house
.

If Grandma only knew.

“
Tell me,” Grandma said,
sitting down across from Sam and me.

I looked down at the coffee she’d just
handed me. Sam paused in his inhalation of a plate of muffins that
sat between us. My stomach revolted just looking at them. “I
thought Mom called you.”

“
She did. I’d like to hear
your side of things.”

“
She doesn’t approve of
me,” I said, skirting around the ‘E’ word.

“
How so?”

I sighed. “She thinks I’m evil. She
thinks my scar proves it.”

“
She said that to
you?”

I nodded, wrapping my hands around the
mug. It was nice and warm. Beside me, Sam was quiet.

“
What else?”

I repeated everything that happened
from the time Mom found me in the kitchen making sandwiches with
Sam. I left out the part about us kissing, because that was
private. I ended with, “She wants to send me away to some church
camp so that they can ‘fix’ the evil inside of me. I couldn’t be
there, so Sam brought me here.”

Throughout the explanation, Grandma
sat quietly listening, sipping her coffee. When I was finished she
sat silent a few more minutes before speaking. “It’s utter
nonsense. I’m glad you came here.”

“
You mean you don’t agree
with her?”

“
No. I knew your mother was
very dedicated to the church, but I had no idea that she believed
such…nonsense.”

“
I can stay?”

“
Of course you can. Now
don’t you worry.” She reached across the table and patted my hand.
“I’ll take care of your mother.”

It was only early
afternoon, and yet the day felt as if it dragged on forever. I was
so exhausted, and not just from
today, but
since prom. After
Gran promised me
everything would be all right, she made lunch and insisted that Sam
stay. It wasn’t uncomfortable because Grandma didn’t let it be. She
seemed genuinely interested in getting to know Sam, and he didn’t
seem to mind the questions. Probably because the questions were
light, and the food was good.

“
Will you be in school
tomorrow?” he asked now, standing beside his truck, keys in
hand.

“
Yeah. Will
you?”

“
I’m not sure.”

“
I have a few things to
take care of.”

“
Well, thanks for today.
For the ride.” I started to turn away.

“
Heven.” His voice was
rough and so was his hand when he pulled me back. I looked down at
where he held my arm, and his touch lightened, his thumb stroking
the inside of
my wrist. “I’ll be by in the
morning to pick you up for school.”

His light touch and gentle
words made my eyes sting with tears. I willed myself to be strong,
not to cry, but the idea of not seeing him really hurt. I didn’t
want to send him away. Even so, I said, “I loved being here with
you today, like this, I loved pretending that everything was okay,
but it isn’t and I need time. Time to decide what I am going to
do.”

“
Why?”

“
Because you lied to me. I
don’t know if we can be together anymore.”

Hurt flashed across his
face, but he covered it. His grip tightened on my arm before he let
go. I couldn’t help but feel like he was giving up, by not arguing,
by not fighting to be with me. I wanted to be angry, but then I
remembered what I’d just said. I couldn’t fault him for doing what
I asked him to do.

“
If you don’t want to see
me anymore then I accept that, but I will be around,
watching.”

“
Is she
really
going to come after me?”
Without thinking I reached up and touched my scars.

“
I won’t let her hurt you,”
he vowed.

But she already had, and really,
hadn’t he been the one that had brought her attention to me? “I
have to go.”

He sighed and jammed his hands in his
pockets. “If you need me, just call out my name. I’ll hear you and
come.”

“
Go home, Sam. I don’t
need
you.” I tried to convince myself of
that as much as I was trying to convince him. I knew I would need
him if China came back to finish her task, but it was just as hard
thinking about him being so close, when I didn’t know if I could
trust him with my heart, but knowing he was the only one who would
ever have it.

It took all my courage to
walk away. And when I did, I blinked back my tears because I had to
be strong. I needed time
–
time to really convince myself that I didn’t need
him, because deep in my heart I was afraid that I did.

That night I had a
nightmare.

And the night after that.

And the night after that.

In fact, since I told Sam to go away,
I had a nightmare every night for two weeks.

They were always the same: dark, scary
and lonely.

They all started out the same. I was
alone, walking home in the dark. I’d stayed too late at the library
and the clicking of my high heels on the pavement was like an
exclamation point that danger was lurking. Then there was the
rustling of the bushes and the running…

I woke up screaming.