Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (8 page)

Bob Rubel

Of course, this is what we're discussing throughout this book.

On Ego and Insecurity in Relationships

Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb, here. I'm going to apply
some really sensitive business wisdom to choosing a mate in an
M/s setting. I'm not sure whether I hope nobody reads this, or
whether I hope a lot of people read this. But, I will say this: when
I began looking for a slave, I specifically looked for an "A" type.

Critical Observation: As a general rule, "A" leaders select
"A" players because they are confident in their own abilities
and are used to being surrounded by excellence. However
- again as a general rule - "B" leaders select "C" players
because they can't risk being exposed as "B" leaders rather
than as "A" leaders.

In a business environment, this plays out as follows: It's better
to have an "A" team with a "B" plan, than a "B" team with an "A"
plan. This business idea probably was derived from an old Arab
proverb: An army of sheep lead by a lion would defeat an army
of lions led by a sheep. In a personal environment, my experience is that an insecure Dom will take a weaker, less secure
submissive as a partner in order to be able to control the person
without being "called" on his act. (Note: I'm using Dom/submissive, rather than Master/slave, because I've never seen this phenomenon in an M/s relationship.)

I've actually seen this situation unfold in real life. A close friend
of mine was faced with having to choose to marry one of two
women. Although successful in business and investments, he
selected the weaker, less self-actualized woman because he,
himself, was insecure about relations with women. His choice
astonished his close friends at the time. The woman could never
quite get on the same page with him; he finally gave up trying
and resigned himself to the situation. (Recall my earlier story
about silk purses and sows ears.)

On Emotions in Relationships

Clearly a truism, there are substantial differences between
men and women raised in Western civilization when it comes
to accessing and expressing emotions. Thus, it will also be a
truism that the emotional structure of an M/s relationship in the
Western world will feel quite different, depending upon the gender structure:

• Male Master, male slave

• Male Master, female slave

• Female Master, female slave

0 Female Master, male slave

• Yes, I know it's not this simple - but you get the idea

People vary in the degree to which they can access and rely
upon their own emotions. Some people tend mostly to think
about their relationships with others; other people tend more
easily to feel their relationships with others. When stress enters
the M/s relationship, these differences can become exaggerated.
There are many great books out there that explore this area, and
I would encourage you to do this. Some suggested readings
are:

• Gray, John. Mars. from Women Are from Are Men
Venus: Understanding to the Guide Classic The
Opposite Sex. New York, NY: HarperCollins, 1992.

• Chapman, Gary D. The Languages: Love How to Five
Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield
Publishing; Reissue edition, 1995.

Side note: I suspect that there are gender-linked differences that
concern one's access to one's emotions, and also to the emotional reactions, themselves. This particularly comes into play
when Master starts talking about multiple slaves or polyamory.
Translation: I think that a discussion about multiple sex partners
is going to be received differently by slaves of different genders.
But, I could be wrong.

On the Role of Love in the M/s Relationship

There is quite an active controversy within the M/s movement
about the role of love. On the one hand, some Masters take
the position that love contaminates the M/s dynamic because
Master can never be sure whether or not the slave is complying
with a request/Instruction out of love, or out of obedience. Since
obedience is the core of the M/s dynamic, Master would lose the
capacity to monitor the slave's core reactions.

On the other hand, many Masters feel that if they're going to
put all the time and effort into training a slave with whom they
will spend lots of time, they want to be submerged in a loving
relationship with that person. But, a loving relationship is not
necessarily a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, and the Master
may want to carefully consider whether to suppress the tendency
for slaves to think of their Master as their "girlfriend" or "boyfriend." "Girlfriend/boyfriend" relationships belong to the Vanilla
World - the not-kinky world - along with relationships with other
family members, especially children. These relationships should
be kept separate, as they do not involve the authority or power
exchanges inherent in D/s and M/s relationships.

Also, there can be substantial differences between "the Master's
love" and "the slave's love." The Master is more likely to love
the slave - rather than be "in love" with the slave. However, the
slave will probably fall "in love" with Master. This situation, where
the Master "loves" the slave and the slave is "in love" with the
Master, can lead to some potential misunderstandings and stress
unless discussed openly and with truthfulness. It may be useful
to discuss different forms of love with a prospective slave, lest
they confuse your relationship.

Are You Sure You're a Good Master?

Most people are pretty sure that they're Okay. Most people think
that most others are also pretty much Okay. But, some people
think that certain people are not Okay. The thing of it is, the per son who you think is not so Okay probably thinks he's just fine.
So, let me explore this a little.

Our Community - and here I'm combining the Leather and
the Not-Leather BDSM Communities - contains mostly bright,
dynamic and interesting people. It also contains some really
average people. And, too, it contains some icky people. As I just
mentioned, they probably won't think of themselves as presenting problems within the Community, but others do. To describe
these folks, Jay Wiseman coined the phrase: Poor Quality
Dominants (PQDs). I have also heard this topic discussed at
Leather Leadership conferences. Consider your reactions to
some of these characteristics:

Disclaimer #1: When you label someone this way, your decision must be based upon your own personal observations,
not on hearsay. Beware of repeating gossip. Also, you need
to consider what you will do if you're accused of traits such
as these.

Disclaimer #2: No, I'm not thinking of any real person; but
if you think I'm describing you, you may - in fact - have a
problem.

• You are quick to categorize other Doms in your
Community as, Poor Quality Dominants, and you work
to isolate them. (That is, the very fact that you categorize people this way should be a red flag about your
own attitudes and actions. Sure, there may actually be
a few people in the Community who genuinely cause
trouble - but, they are rare and will be broadly recognized for what they are within the Community.)

• You tend to try to dominate other Doms. You find that
you have a little clique of warriors around you who are quick to exclude others from your group. You tend to
feel that your way is the right way and other ways are
less than your correct way.

• You decline to take counsel from Seniors - those who
have been in the scene a long time - because you
consider yourself to be a Senior, and thus, don't have
to listen to anyone.

• You engage in self-aggrandizement. You take credit
where credit is not due. You claim to have started an
organization, but you didn't. You start calling yourself Master XYZ - but no Senior Leather Master will
respect that self-appointed title. You bought your own
leather Master's cap.

• You have a tendency to take your ball and walk off the
court if you can't control a group or a situation. Closely
allied: people around you feel that they must do things
your way or it's the highway. You only cooperate in
situations that inure to your benefit.

• You have a very small and tight-knit circle of friends
who seem not to last very long. You find that you're
casting friends out of your inner circle for various
reasons. You have a string of previous friends trailing behind you. If you wanted to give a party, would
your first thought be "Gosh, where can I find a place
big enough?", or would it be "Gosh, who would I want
to spend the evening with?", or - worse yet - "Who
would want to spend the evening with me?"

• You are so jealous, so protective of your slave, that
you restrict his or her appearance at kink-related
events unless you are also present. Related to this,
you are so afraid of what an ex-lover (or ex-slave) will
say about you within your Community, that you trash
this person's reputation before they have a chance
even to realize you've dumped them.

• You spend your energies spreading gossip that is
negative about the good works of others within the
Community, rather than creating your own works,
projects, or organizations. If you DO build your own
organization, it's a sham: its real purpose is to have a
vehicle that you can brag of as your own, rather than
as a positive force in the Community. Have you ever
tried to take over another organization after being (at
last) cast out of the previous one?

• You've found yourself repeatedly embroiled in some
local controversy or flare-up - often on a group's eList.

• Your admirers are all very junior in the Community.
Those who know you are somehow polite, but distant.

The message, here, is that while some people may exhibit one or
two of the characteristics in this list (yes, I'm being charitable), if
you identify with many of these statements, then you may not be
very in touch with what others within the Community think of you.
You may have something of a tainted reputation and not really
know it. Interestingly, it's been my repeated experience that
people who exhibit a number of these characteristics have such
thorough psychological barriers to meaningful self-examination,
that they have elaborate ways to explain and justify the controversies they foment. They see their lack of friends and their
difficulty in finding or keeping a slave as being a problem/flaw in
others. Attempts to aid and counsel people with these kinds of
blinders will only get you cast out along with the others from their
past. Typically, these are very, very angry people.

So, did you recoil at this list? That's OK. I put it here so you
could turn it around, for it relates to you when it comes to selecting a slave or a Master. You need to find out your candidate's
track record. You need to do some research into the congruency
between what the person says, and what the person does. I'll
touch on this a bit later.

On Choosing a Mate

I'm going to begin this part of the book by taking a broader view
of the M/s relationship and concentrate on some lessons from
the "Vanilla" world - slightly augmented by my own comments.
On several occasions, I've watched negotiations for an M/s relationship break down when the Master would present the potential
slave with a long list of demands and conditions prior to spending
any time with the person to determine whether or not they even
wanted a relationship with them to begin with. Said differently,
the Master wanted the slave candidate to skip the "getting to
know you" stage of relationship-building in favor of the "here's
how you must obey me, or else" stage. Needless to say, these
"Masters" spent a lot of time churning through slave candidates.

So, here, for your consideration, are some general relationship
guidelines that apply both to the Master and to the slave:

1. Attributes: Think of yourself as an older Master. Think of
yourself as 75. Okay, try 83. You're probably not having
much sex. Your slave's skin is getting thin and fragile, so
you have had to stop the flogging; whips went away years
ago. What's remaining? What core values do you want to
rely upon? You have to make this list. I can only posit the
situation.

Flip the situation. You're still the 75 year-old Master being
viewed through your slave's eyes: what core values and
steady behaviors bind the two of you? When your slave
reflects on the last five years, does he/she express a
dreamy and satisfied look of fulfillment, or a hardened look
of a life not lived very satisfyingly.

So, here is a little list of personal attributes for you to consider:

• Kindness

• Loyalty

• Insight

• Flexibility/adaptability

• Devotion

• Ability of the mate to take care of him/herself

2. Inquisitiveness: When you expect to be with someone a
long time, you may want someone who goes out into the
world and brings back ideas for new experiences. You
may get tired of doing all the leading. What characteristics
would you want in a slave that supports that result?

• Can the person expand to develop their potentials?

• Are they quick to want to learn new things?

• Can they see old things in new ways?

0 Are they curious?

3. Mutual attraction: What brings the two of you together?

• Are YOU sensitive? Is this person sensitive? Is he/
she alert to things around the two of you when you
are together? Are you interested in how your slave
thinks, as much as what he/she thinks? [This is a
fine point, and I'll expand it a bit. In this country, the
difference between the handful of elite private colleges and the vast number of other post-secondary
institutions is that the elite institutions teach you how
to think, while the others only offer courses about what
to think. In my own relationship with my own slave, I
am extremely concerned with how she thinks.]

• How do each of you react to the other person's personal space - home or apartment? Do each of you compliment the other on decorations, or are you (or your
slave candidate) fairly oblivious to them? Because
your personal decor is likely to be an expression of
YOU, this is an important point.