Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (11 page)

Once you start thinking about duties and responsibilities, you
may start uncovering previously hidden expectations. For example, you might expect anyone associated with your Family to be
intellectually curious. You may limit the time they are allowed to
spend on frivolity - an activity you also get to define. So, in your
Household, no frivolity might mean restrictions on television and
movie viewing. By extension, you might promote intellectually
stimulating evenings by offering small (formal) dinner parties. In
a similar vein, you might promote reading non-fiction and restrict
reading fiction.

The message, then, is that you need seriously to consider what
you stand for and how you want to brand your Household. And,
you need to be open with your slave-to-be about these hidden
expectations.

Beliefs - About the Spiritual Side of Life and About
People

A substantial proportion of the leaders in the Leather M/s movement discuss the importance of the spiritual aspects in their
relationships and actions. This represents another topic that, for
many, will require serious thought. The spiritual aspect is important for a variety of reasons. For example, it concerns the purpose of your SM play. Are you flogging your slave because you
like the feeling or the process, or because flogging represents
a path to spiritual and cathartic release? Think about the slave
candidate you're playing with.. .when you are finished playing,
does he/she get up and thank you for your skill and technique, or
does this person lie there virtually motionless for 20-30 minutes,
overwhelmed by the magic that has just enveloped him or her?
It's not that one "scene" is inherently better than the other - just
that they are different. Have you ever thought about BDSM practices as being a vehicle to take your partner to a differnet plane.
Have you ever tried to grapple with what it is the two of you do
together that is so special?

Let's move now from spiritual beliefs to beliefs about people.
It's not important that you agree or disagree with these bulleted
points. The issue is: how do you react to these statements that
I've collected over the years? By considering which statements
elicit emotional responses, you may learn something about yourself. Let me be clear: these are not my own personal views,
just a collection of attitudes that I've heard people express
over the years. It is important that you create and then react to
some of your own opinion statements in order to find out how you
- and your slave - are wired.

• People? There's nobody out there other than who I
create (or recreate) when I go out in the world. Even
then, I can only see that person through the filters of
my own senses. My "George Washington" is so different from George Washington's "George Washington"
that there is not likely to be much common ground
beyond a physical description.

• I believe that people are inherently good, kind, and loving. I just have to give them a chance.

• People are only "civilized" out of fear of being caught
and exposed. Everyone would rape, murder, and
steal, if they thought they could get away with it.

• It is our belief that every person has worth. Even a
rapist, con artist, or burglar. You must be able to forgive the person who kills your child.

• If you meet my expectations, I'll like you and let you be
my friend. Violate my values one time, and I'll cast you
out forever. (This can relate to other concepts such as,
honor code or personal values.)

• I believe everyone, until they give me reason not to
trust or believe them.

• Thin as a rail; no meat on her/his bones. He/she must
be overly controlling and compulsive; no joy in this one
- probably an introvert - I'm just not interested.

• Sloppy body, sloppy mind. If the person doesn't care
enough about him/herself to stay thin and trim, I'm just
not interested.

• While I can be polite to almost anyone, a person would
have to be very special for me to be willing to give of
my time or attention. I don't do "normal people" well.

• Gosh, I just love people. Big, tall, short, small. I revel
in their alivenes; they all have such interesting stories
to tell.

• Son, people have been put on earth to see one another through, not to see through one another.

As you can well imagine, someone who thinks they recreate
people in the world every time they go out is going to have a dramatically different relationship with people than the person who
believes that everyone is inherently good, kind, and loving, or the
person who believes that everyone is a rapist at heart.

So, a project: Sit down with your potential partner and work out
your beliefs about people. Caveat: you may have trouble actually admitting - or getting your partner to admit - true sentiments
on this score. The reason is that if your views are not personally
flattering (socially acceptable), you aren't likely to reveal them.
Similarly, your partner may be less than honest on this same
score.

This, then, forces you back into the world of social science
research. You are going to have to work out proxy measures for
this topic. Remember: a proxy measure is an unrelated - but
acceptable - question you can ask that actually answers another
question. For example, if you wanted to explore someone's views
on self-determination, you might ask some questions about their
reactions to street beggars - the homeless.

• How do you think that person got there?

• Do you give money to street people?

• Have you ever considered volunteering at a Salvation
Army center or the like?

• Can you imagine ever becoming homeless? Does that
frighten you?

• How would you feel about inviting a homeless person
to come home with us for a good meal? Well, then
how about fixing a nice dinner for someone and driving around until you find the first street person and
presenting it to him or her?

• What would you say about spending next weekend
doing volunteer service downtown with the XYZ
Center?

I suspect that you'll learn a lot about your partner's empathy
quotient, while you'll also learn their attitudes about work ethics,
cleanliness, fate, and deistic determinism.

Agreements

If you're going to hold someone accountable, you have to be
sure that they are aware of the areas for which they are being
held accountable. Over the years, I have come to use structured
agreements for things that matter. I do this because the forced
structure of an Agreement makes the communication particularly
clear. As I use them, Agreements have four components:

• State the offer/acceptance (I agree...).

• Specify the general item to be done (...to wash the
outside of the car...).

• List conditions of satisfaction - be clear about the level
of activity (...so that all of the dirt and tar are completely removed and no water spots remain...).

• Specify the time frame (...within the next two hours).

If the slave suspects that he/she cannot fully accomplish any
of the four aspects of the Agreement, the slave must respectfully decline to agree to it, and then explain the reticence (in our
case, I have usually forgotten that my slave is already working on
another task and this new task presents a conflict with my own
Instructions). The modification of any aspect of the Agreement
must be done BEFORE the Agreement is accepted or as soon
as the need for modification becomes apparent.

If the slave has made an Agreement and later discovers that he/
she may be unable to complete it on time, it is VERY IMPORTANT
to contact Master and discuss the situation before the time period
expires.

Failure to keep an Agreement will carry Consequences.

In my world, Agreements are a big deal. I don't use them casually. I don't mind modifying an agreement at the front end; I don't
even mind being contacted regarding a change to the deadline.
However, I mind a great deal if no effort was made to renegotiate
the terms and conditions of an Agreement, and it is not fulfilled
exactly as it was set forth.

Because I am so focused on keeping Agreements perfectly, I
caution my slave not to enter lightly into a formal Agreement with
me. I'm going to be easier to get along with if the slave says:
"Master, with respect, Sir, I cannot fulfill the terms you are proposing, Sir", rather than entering into an Agreement suspecting
that the terms cannot be fulfilled.

I will comment further on this point. I've known people who
would agree to do just about anything with little or no intention
of doing so. I had a professor who would promise anything just
to get you to go away. While it seemed that he was being cooperative and helpful, he was simply being manipulative. Aware of
my personal sensitivity concerning this point - that I will aggres sively challenge any failure to keep an Agreement - I explain
how to manage Agreements to those who work closely with me.
Similarly, on those occasions that I feel an Agreement is needed
to accomplish some significant task, I'm careful to review the
component parts of the Agreement and remind the slave of the
importance of communicating changes to me ahead of time.

Time Commitments

In my Household, issues of time are important. I view time as one
of the most valuable assets a person possesses. In life, when
you run out of time, you're called dead. Since you don't quite
know when you will run out of time, every day becomes important. In that sense, I care very much how I spend my time and
how my slave spends her time. In addition to the philosophical
underpinnings, time commitments represent a daily opportunity
to keep your word. They are a form of Agreement. If the slave
has been told an arrival or departure time, Master expects that
time to be honored with precision. There will be Consequences
to violating time issues - not the least of which is having to put
up with my reaction to the slave being late.

Keeping one's word is a core concept within the Leather culture.
From the very beginning of my exposure to the Leather World,
I was struck by the degree of honesty, integrity, and high moral
purpose I found there. If a Leatherman says something will be
done, you can be sure it will be. If I, as Master, have told someone that I will arrive at a certain time, tardiness by my slave will
NOT cause me to be late to that meeting. If my slave is not
ready to leave on time, I will leave without her and attend to her
consequences later.

Chapter Summary

In Part I we discussed some common terms and understandings.
In Part II we spent time on self-exploration. Part III was devoted
to grappling with key elements of your relationship. This last part
- Part IV - focused on the framework of your relationship within
the larger structure of your Leather House. Now we're ready to
tackle the marketing question: how do you find a potential partner? If you're already in a relationship, you may skip on to later
parts.

This section applies equally to Masters looking for slaves, as to
slaves looking for Masters. This is the time that you think through
how you might want to reach out to such a person and what you
want a prospective partner to know about you. The hunt for a
partner can be extremely casual - almost accidental - or as
highly structured as a job search.

This section treats this process more like that of searching for a
job. This section presumes that you wish to act in such a way
as to find a slave, rather than to stay cocooned and dream of
finding a slave.

You may wish to start your search by identifying some outreach
paths:

• Internet, such as alt.com, slave4master. com, or
collarme.com

• Local kink clubs - here are some competent search
engines to find kink clubs: