Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (19 page)

Recently, there has been a trend for established, but currently
unattached slaves, to petition an established Master for protection (referred to as wardship). Once granted, the slave is then
said to be a ward of Master XYZ, who is serving as Guardian
Master. slave david stein, ward of Master Steve Sampson,
prepared an outstanding talk on this issue - presented at the
Northeast Master/slave Conference in July, 2006. Currently, our
House has extended "wardship" to an unattached "slave-in-waiting," as she seeks a permanent Master. She wears our House
collar when at public functions.

Chapter Summary

Here, I began with a preamble about contract theory - why do
it. Next, I suggested some basic styles of contracts - simple,
time-controlled, and staged. From there, it was an easy step to
describing some of the more common elements of M/s contracts
- then on to providing some examples of contracts. The chapter
ended with a brief review of collars and at least my best shot at
explaining their meaning and purpose.

Gosh, what hubris! How can I write a section like this? There
are books, books, books and experts, experts, experts who really
know how this works.

Let me draw attention to the section title for a minute. I could have
called this section: "Maintaining a Master/slave Relationship." I
didn't, because I've included general truths here. In this section, I'm going to give you some of the lists and quotes that have
shaped my life. In some cases, I'll add commentary. In my own
life, I've been blessed with very long-term relationships. They
have ended because I changed - I reinvented myself, and my
spouses chose not to follow. Which I respect. I'm still very, very
close with them.

I'll start this list with one I picked up recently in a presentation on
Master/slave relations. I think it is particularly good. And, I hope
you can benefit from the other bits of wisdom as much as I have
over the years.

Seven Secrets of Maintaining a Long-Term 24/7 M/s
Relationship

Taken from their presentation handout, Master Kurt and slave
john have written:

1. Affirm strong, ongoing commitment by both partners to the
M/s lifestyle.

2. Remain flexible in negotiating terms of the partnership.

3. Integrate dominance (control) and submission (service)
dynamics into everyday activities.

4. Engage in ongoing sexual/BDSM activities that bond
partners to one another while reinforcing their selfidentities.

5. Recognize that both partners must share common values
and interests outside of the M/s lifestyle to maintain a longterm union.

6. Maintain transparent communication between partners.

7. Periodically reset/recalibrate the relationship to ensure
that partners remain interested in and connected to one
another.

What a great list! Their presentation is outstanding, and I urge
you to attend it if you ever have the opportunity.

Watch your Thoughts...

By Frank Outlaw

• Watch your thoughts, they become words.

• Watch your words, they become actions.

• Watch your actions, they become habits.

0 Watch your habits, they become character.

• Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Commentary: In my view, these are some of life's core
truths. Once I realized this, I became very concerned
about words and word use. I care a great deal about
the connotation of words and closely attend to the words
my slave uses. I can "read" quite a bit about my slave's
thinking by listening closely to word choice - particularly
when the slave is upset.

Another Core Truth

To look is one thing.

To see what you look at is another.

To understand what you see is a third.

To learn from what you understand is still something else.

But to act on what you learn is all that really matters.

Taoist saying

Commentary: Another key to personal Mastery. Not
only must one be present, but the person must be
awake, aware and have the background experience to
understand what is happening and to learn from it. All
this, just to get to the point where one's action makes a
difference in one's life. This leads us to the next insight.

Four Stages of Awareness

Often referenced as "The Four Stages of Learning," these concepts appear to have been developed by Noel Burch in the late
1960s. See also: Johari Window.

• Unconscious incompetence: you don't know that you
can't do it.

• Conscious incompetence: you know you can't do it.

• Conscious competence: you know you know how to
do it.

• Unconscious competence: what you do perfectly is so
automatic that you no longer think about it.

Visible and Invisible knowledge: I consider this topic to be
extremely important when two people are working together
- particularly if one person is asking the other to do something or
to get something. YOU know some things that your slave does
not know. Your slave knows some things that YOU don't know.
Some knowledge that one or the other of you would consider
very common, is utterly invisible to the other person. It is useful
to be aware that each of you possess knowledge that is invisible to your partner. Some examples:

• If you're used to doing your own plumbing, you'll get
this right away: you're under the sink working on a
repair. You've got your pipe wrenches, but you've forgotten your gunk (or calking tape). You ask your slave
to run to the garage and to bring you a tube of calking
compound plus a 2" crescent wrench. Nothing. Blank
stare. You might as well have tried speaking in Greek.
A 2" crescent wrench and calking tape is invisible
knowledge to the slave.

• If you're used to doing your own shopping, you'll get
this right away: you gave Master something to pick
up at the grocery store (go with me on this one - he
wanted to go to the store anyway). You say: "Master,
when you go out for the wine, would you please bring
back a nice steak for our dinner." He comes back with
a choice ribeye. You blanch: this was to be a special
dinner; he knew this. You'd been talking about the
candles on the table and the type of Cabernet that was
needed - you assumed he knew to buy a prime NY
strip steak - you assumed he knew that you ONLY
buy prime NY strip steak for this kind of dinner. When
you delicately ask Master about it, he explains that it
was the right shape for the steaks you always buy.
Disconnect; invisible knowledge. The cut of the meat
didn't mean anything - only the shape of the meat.
He didn't know that ribeye and NY strip look the same.
Invisible knowledge to the Master.

Not only are there many areas that are blind from one gender to
another - having something to do with how boys and girls are
socialized - but also there are knowledge and experience gaps
between social classes. For example, if you're in a truck stop,
chatting with the waitress is perfectly normal. Ditto if you're at
TGIFriday's. The waitperson is likely to be chatty as a way of making larger tips. Not a problem. However, if you're in an elite
restaurant with linen service and you start speaking with the
professional waitperson, you immediately telegraph that you're
clueless about social etiquette. In this case, conversing with the
wait staff is improper, and your host is going to draw many unflattering inferences about you from that gaffe.

Coming around very gingerly to the topic of social etiquette, and
visible and invisible knowledge, and unconscious incompetence,
I'll give you a concrete example that ties back to slave training.
Depending upon the person's upbringing - gender won't matter,
here - some people bend at the waist when bending over in a
kitchen (or elsewhere) to remove something from a low storage cabinet. Those with a more careful upbringing will squat
- in order that their rear-ends not stick out. This degree of personal behavior is invisible to most people and will telegraph your
upbringing.

The message, then, is that in forming a new relationship, the
Master must be extremely sensitive to different sets of assumptions between Master and slave. The slave may be working as
hard as he/she can and still seem to be missing important points
that the Master thinks are perfectly obvious.

Commentary: In training a slave, much of your
responsibility is to walk him/her through these stages.
Personally, I have frequently reflected on these four
stages of awareness when considering an aspect of my
slave's action that requires more attention. Even more
than that, as a Master, you must be able to distinguish
between visible and invisible knowledge.

Communication

What a complex topic. I don't want to start down the path of
teaching communication skills in a book on M/s relations, but you might consider some of these questions/issues and build
strengths where you sense they may need building.

• What evidence do you have that you are able to communicate clearly, confidently, and persuasively? In
your work life, are you looked upon as a particularly
clear communicator?

• Do your ideas have selling power? Is it your experience that people follow your ideas?

• Have you taken courses in effective communications?

• When you speak, do you use simple words, short sentences, and clear word-pictures?

• When your slave describes his/her unique situation, do
you take the time to listen attentively and to respond
so your slave feels acknowledged and respected?
(Unique situation can mean a shopping experience.
Does the person with whom you are speaking feel
valued and validated? )

Commentary: I distinguish between talking and speaking. One "talks to" someone or "speaks with" someone.
In my view, talking is one-way. Talking is lecturing.

Upsets

How do you reconnect with your slave after an upset? What
if it's YOU who became upset and the slave was not at fault?
Or, what if the slave WAS at fault and caused the upset? I've
already covered talking sticks as our Family's way of working
through upsets. I would say that the talking sticks are the second level of response. My first level of response to an upset
slave is to revert immediately to a higher level of protocol. If
she's had an upset and spoken curtly to me, I might lightly ask:
"Do I take it that the answer was `Sir, with respect, Sir, only if it pleases you, Sir.'?" (For those of you who have not read my
Protocols book, or who are not familiar with forms of address in
a Leather M/s relationship, that sentence means "No, I won't do
it unless you absolutely require it of me.")

But, this last paragraph carries a very important hidden concept.
Notice the way I described my slave's frame of mind. I said that
she "had an upset" as opposed to "was upset." This is not trivial:
if you are being upset, then you are coming from your being
- your inner self - and your whole being is about upset. I don't
want to give it that weight, so I refer to it as having an upset.
That way, you can think about either having or not having the
upset - you can come from choice - not from effect. (Yes, I'm
an est graduate. Also Landmark Education. My slave has also
gone through a number of the Landmark offerings.) However,
sometimes, for whatever reason, the Master's emotions may
cause a problem and the slave may have to defuse the situation.
Therefore, it's important that BOTH parties have some conflict
resolution skills. [There is quite a bit Internet material on this,
you may wish to start with www.crnhq.org and click on "12 Skills
Summery."]

Goal Setting

• Are you clear about what you want to achieve in your
life?

• Look back at your life and examine where you started
and measure how far you've come.

• Are you satisfied with where you are today?

• Are you excited and enthusiastic about your goals?

Commentary: Have you ever sat down with your slave
and had a business meeting? A meeting where you
discuss your personal goals for the next M-months or Yyears? A meeting where you explain the skills you wish to master to accomplish your goals; a meeting where
you list proposed activities that support the skills, and so
forth? Depending upon your degree of experience with
planning-feedback loops, you could build in periodic
evaluation points that would enable you to adjust and
correct your timeline or activities as you proceed in your
plan. Does this sound a bit otherworldly? Let me point
out: life is really short. If you don't plan your work and
work your plan, you'll wake up much older with little to
show for the time you spent on earth. Please see the
section in the next chapter entitled "Plan your Future" for
a step-by-step description about how to accomplish this
kind of planning.

Balancing Priorities

• Do you find yourself handling the same piece of paper
over and over? Do you organize your life to get the
most done in the least amount of time? (www.pilesto-
files.com click on "special reports.")