Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (15 page)

Pardon my presumption, but I assume that if you've gone to all
the trouble to create as unusual a relationship structure as this,
you want something really special to result. I would argue that
to successfully build an Empowered Family - whether locally or
remotely - you should consider the following:

• You must create a shared sense of purpose. I've
already discussed how a Leather Household has its
own characteristics and how the House becomes
known for its attributes. In that light, it's critical that
both of you can articulate those House Values and
that all the members of your Household share your big
picture. Your leadership job is to ensure that individual
Family members feel as though they're contributing to
this larger effort.

• You must develop procedures that ensure shared decision-making. Boy, can I hear the howls of derision on
this one! Okay, let me frame it. Master is responsible
for ensuring that all Household members feel that their thoughts and actions are important to the Family's success. That is: everyone in the Family needs to know
that the leader (and possibly other Family members)
values their contributions. Yes, Master makes the
final decision; but - in reality - that decision will be
more fully embraced when all Family members see
their suggestions honored and applied to the final
resolution. Remember, while you may be the King in
a benevolent monarchy; you're not going to last long
as a dictator: this is a consensual relationship.

• You must build expected norms for behavior. Family
members must understand explicitly what they can
expect from one another in terms of communication,
support and respect. In our world, this is called a
Protocol Manual, and is the subject of my companion
book, Protocol Theory slave: Leather the for Handbook
and Practice. They must know what they will and will
not tolerate from one another. When norms are clear,
Family members can work together rapidly and correct
mistakes rapidly, because they trust one another.

How do You Solve Problems?

I used to work for the U.S. Department of Justice's Law
Enforcement Assistance Administration. We had a joke in our
division that ran like this: If your problem is that you don't think
you have a problem, then you have a problem.

In interpersonal relationships, one party often fails to see a problem that is crystal clear to any outsider. So, I'm going to take
some time to discuss ways to identify and solve problems. First,
let's start with how you even identify a problem.

In a broad way, there are two kinds of problems. There are problems figuring out how to do something, and there are problems
with people performing some act/function. I will tackle solu tions/approaches to each kind of problem.

The material in the first part of this section is really, really helpful,
as long as the problem you're about to tackle has to do with a
desire to move the Family dynamic from one set of conditions to
another set of conditions.

1. Frame the issues:

Understand/explicate the problem. Often the real problem
is to be able to describe the core issue(s) that are begging
for solutions.

For example, it may help you to distinguish whether you
have a HARD or a SOFT problem. That is, you have to
identify the kind of issue that you're confronting.

• HARD problems are issues to which you have to react.
They are "givens." They are those conditions over
which you have very little control. For example, they
could involve your Family's relations in the context of
the community or part of the country in which you live.
Another hard issue would be the social acceptability of
your lifestyle in the context of the city, county or state in
which you live. In the business world, hard problems
concern such things as the political leadership out of
Washington, laws, market constraints, product manufacturing, etc. Legal or health care issues sometimes
arise that may have a bearing on where you reside.

• SOFT problems, then, are those over which you do
have quite a bit of choice and control. For example,
whether or not you speak French is a soft problem
because you can alter the answer by taking courses
that teach you to speak French. Similarly, getting
more education or gaining additional skills are both
soft problems.

2. Amplify the problem; get better data - whether a hard or
a soft problem:

0 Who says it's a problem? Who wants it fixed?

• How do you measure this problem?

• What is that measurement now?

• What do you want that measurement to be now and
over time?

• What is the value to your Family of the difference
between what it is now and what you want it to be?

• Who or what else is affected?

3. Create a list of the kinds of results you would like to
see for each of these problems. This becomes part of
the goal-setting process. The relevant aphorism is: "What
gets written down gets done." The key is to concentrate
on the effects of the problem, not on the problem, itself.

4. Build a new range of options for introducing the idea into
your Family.

5. Build support for your idea.

6. Make distinctions:

• Perceived problem vs. the "real" problem

0 Accepted problem vs. underlying causes/issues

• Political expediency vs. tough alternatives

Exercises such as this can help to strengthen your M/s relationship by bringing clarity to the larger issues that surround your
relationship, or by clarifying issues that you think may inhibit your
relationship from growing or moving into other dimensions. For
example, you may fear/assume that some external force or condition is somehow limiting you or your Family. Discussing it and
mapping the dimensions of the situation is likely to reveal some
heretofore hidden options and opportunities.

The second part of this section concerns performance problems. This is the section you want to consider if your problem
concerns your slave's behavior in some way. My all-time favorite book for teasing apart performance problems is Analyzing
Performance Oughta Really Wanna - How to You Or. Problems:
Figure People Why out Doing Aren't They What Should Be, and What It, About do to by Robert Mager and Peter Pipe. About the
best I can do, here, is to reproduce part of their table of contents
- as I so strongly recommend you purchase the book.

I want to start this section with an admonition. If you think your
problem deals with the performance of your slave, consider
this...

Wisdom has two parts: Having a lot to say, and not saying it.

Often, the problem with performance problems is that they are
not what they at first appear to be. Not by a long shot. The
slave's failure to do "X" really means "Y"..., or "K" or "B". What
it really means may not be easily or logically derived. The slave
may not be doing "X" because of an emotional hurt that will take
some probing to reveal. That said, here is a start at a structure
for teasing the situation apart.

Remember, this material comes from the table of contents of the
Mager and Pipe book (tailored to the subject matter of this book,
of course).

1. Is your slave not doing what he/she should be
doing?

• What is the performance discrepancy? (Quantify
the problem; explain to your slave why you care
about this.)

• Specifically, how does the problem manifest itself
now?

• How long has it been a problem?

• Who is affected and why do they care?

• How will you know if you're successful in fixing it?

• Is it worth pursuing? Some issues don't rise to
the level of "problems." Some issues are sim ply not worth addressing when they first surface.
Personally, I will sometimes wait quite a while for
the correct conditions to arise before discussing
a behavior that I want modified. It's not that I'm
hiding a problem; it's that the particular issue isn't
worth addressing at that time.

Let me speak for a minute on what is called approximated behavior. For our purposes, "approximated
behavior" is behavior exhibited by your slave that
is on the right path to being the behavior you seek,
but not the exact, precise behavior you seek.
Because your slave has to learn quite a bit of new
behavior in order to mesh successfully and seamlessly with your life, you are bound to go through
a period where little things just aren't quite right.
Here, you have two choices:

• Keep picking on the "little issues."

0 Ignore the "little issues."

The problem with picking on them is that you
risk pissing off your slave and giving him/her the
idea that you are unreasonably (compulsively)
picky. The other alternative is to say to yourself,
as Master: "Look, I've accepted this person as my
slave, and this is what I have to work with right now.
Let me cherish this slave while he/she learns all my
preferences and protocols. As the slave masters
one set of duties/functions, I'll just add another set
- incrementally." The key to making this work for
you will be to set clear priorities with your slave
about those preferences and protocols that you
want mastered first, and then those that can be
mastered later.

2. Explore fast fixes - there are likely to be some quick
ways to solve the problem right away. Examples
include:

• Explain the rule or the procedure more clearly.

• Change or eliminate the rule.

3. Are the consequences for the desired behavior
right side up?

• Is the desired performance itself punishing? (It
takes much longer to do it right.)

• Is the undesired performance rewarding? (It's simply easier not to mop the kitchen floor every night.
The slave gets more time with you.)

• Are there any consequences at all? (This is a test
of your Mastery and your commitment to the M/s
relationship. As Master, you may choose to instruct
your slave to leave certain evening tasks incomplete in order that the two of you can play. The key,
though, lies in the consciousness of the choice.
That is, there is a VAST difference between the
slave simply leaving the evening dishes undone
in order to be available to play with you, and you
instructing the slave to leave the dishes undone
in order to come and play with you. In the first
instance, the slave appears to have acted willfully
- making the decision to leave the dishes undone
- rather than acting per your instruction. )

4. Are there other causes for the undesired
behavior?

• Is the problem a skill deficiency?

• Could your slave perform this task in the past?

• Is this skill used often?

• Can the task be simplified?

• Are there obstacles remaining? (Outmoded equipment, lack of funds to buy something?)

• Is the slave properly motivated to complete the task
to your specifications?

Again, I urge you to purchase the book Analyzing Performance
Problems - I consider it a core reading for someone concerned
with Master/slave relations.

Chapter Summary

We've now worked ourselves through the chapter on beginning
a relationship. I opened with a section covering some indications that everything might not be running smoothly in River City.
Once past this point, I ran through some of the salient points
about negotiations. What to do and what not to do when negotiating the M/s contract. I discussed how to negotiate by thinking
of yourself as the buyer, then reviewed some topics that should
be included in any M/s negotiation. Next, I moved on to ways to
empower your Family and ways you can approach problem solving. This material should set you up for the next chapter - on
contracts and collars.

On Contracts

I've heard people dismiss contracts out-of-hand. Their argument
is that because it's not possible to make a legally binding contract
in the U.S. giving enforceable control over one person to another
person, that there is no point to it. I differ. slave contracts, while
they have no standing in court, are extremely useful to encourage
the two (or more) parties to sit down and work through relationship issues. Contracts become a way of making a record of what
each of you were thinking when you started your relationship.

People tend to forget things; details wash away with time - and
age. Contracts don't change their minds. This is not a trivial
issue. A clearly worded contract helps prevent needless upsets
and recriminations... "But you promised me...", "I never said
any such thing..."

Another KEY point: As Joseph Bean likes to point out, your
contract is NOT your protocol manual. Your contract is your
constitution. Your protocol manual would be like a company's
by-laws and, like company by-laws, is likely to be changed from
time to time. You want to prepare a Contract that is unchanging
over time.

In this book, I've included three sample contracts: a training
contract, a very detailed long-term contract, and a very short
Owner's contract. However, before you start reading those, I'd
still like to discuss some of the common styles of contracts and
some of the more common clauses in contracts of this kind. By now, you probably have one eyebrow cocked and are reflecting
on my opening aphorism: When you don't know what to do, do
it slowly. Yes, this entire process takes a while.