Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (13 page)

I've had any number of instances where my own prejudices
rushed to the surface and danced on my head giggling, as I
watched someone who certainly didn't look the part, exhibit
extremely refined manners and behaviors. Similarly, I've had
a few experiences where a drop-dead gorgeous and immaculately coiffed Thing shattered the spell, which then crashed to
the ground, flopping and gasping for breath. She had opened
her mouth and said something that came out in non-grammatical
English. But, these are my hang-ups and not yours. You get to
be honest and derive your own self-truths.

So, I suggest you start with a short contract; three months seems
to be common (it follows, shortly). Also, the Internet contains
many contract examples, although they are of varying degrees of
utility. In my own life, I offered my slave a three-month contract
and renewed it twice before moving to a year-long contract that
covered a period that she was under consideration for the permanent collar that I ultimately offered her.

Guarding Against a Poor Quality submissive/slave

As a Master, you may find that you've become entangled with
an out-of-control slave who talks about you behind your back.
It may take some time for you to realize this is going on. Some
defenses - particularly relating to established submissives:

• Ask your potential slave to provide references.
References that you already know. This may be
somewhat round-about, but it can be done. Person
"X" knows person "Y," who knows person "Z," whom
you also know. Ours is a pretty small Community.

• Do some additional research. Learn something about
the person you are considering taking on as a slave.
Listen for what you are NOT being told, as well as
what you ARE being told. Listen for unusual phrasing:
"Oh, gosh, sure I know lovelybod. Oh, I don't think it's
appropriate for me to say anything about her - that would sound too much like gossip, you know what I
mean?"

Because our Community so relies on personal endorsements, it's extremely important that you couldn't get
one for lovelybod. Your follow-up question might be:
"Oh, can you give me the name of anyone who could
give me an endorsement?" If your source now says
something like: "Oh, gosh, that would really be hard. I
just don't know....", you know that you've just unfurled
a big red flag.

• Attend your local kink meeting with your potential slave.
How does he/she behave? Is he/she welcomed like a
person of high value, or like some gruesome plague?
Does this person appear to be surrounded by a closed
circle of friends (a clique?), or does this person mix
with the general assembly? In fact, what conclusions
can you draw about this person by the others with
whom he/she meets?

Serious Warning Flags About a Person

Everyone is human. We all have foibles and follies. But, if
you've run into someone who is exhibiting a number of the following traits, chances are that person is miserable with him or
herself. Someone who is personally miserable is really likely to
make YOU miserable. So tread carefully.

• Uses "I" as often as possible

• Is sensitive to (perceived) slights by others

• Is jealous and envious

• Thinks only of him/herself

• Talks mainly of him/herself

• Trusts no one

• Never forgets a criticism

• Always expects to be appreciated, always fishing for
compliments

• Is suspicious of the intentions of others

• Listens greedily to what others say of him/her

• Always mentions faults in others

• Does as little as possible for others

• Shirks duties, if possible

• Never forgets a service he/she may have rendered to
someone

• Sulks if people aren't grateful for his/her favors

• Demands agreement with his/her own views on
everything

• Only looks for a good time

• Loves him/herself first

• Is selfish, if at all possible

So, when it comes to searching for a slave, remember the
aphorism: When you don't know what to do, do it slowly.

Chapter Summary

This chapter focused on finding a slave. I gave you some
Internet links to help you find local kink clubs and a link to help
you locate weekend kink conferences. I suggested you consider
making up some non-business kinky calling cards, prepare a
Master's Resume, and consider creating a website to promote
your search for a slave. I supplied a series of questions that a
Master might ask a slave candidate and offered some suggestions about guarding yourself against a poor quality submissive.
I ended with a bulleted list of potential red flags about a person
you're considering for an intimate slave.

Now, we're ready to move to the next chapter - beginning a
relationship.

"It's not what you think about the relationship, it's how you
think about the relationship."

Master Jim Glass,
Northeast Master/slave Conference, 2006

When I attend Master/slave conferences, I'm struck by the fact
that most of these relationships are among older people - 40+.
Quite a population is over 55. This tells me a few things. First,
this kind of structured relationship may appeal more to people
who have been married once or twice; and second, personal
maturity also helps.

Because a Master/slave relationship is still a form of relationship
- and holds the potential for excitement and fulfillment - people
sometimes let down their guard in the hopes that if they just overlook this or that little difficulty, the fit will be close enough to work
out. That's probably not a great idea.

CPR - the Core Truth about an M/s Relationship

As Master Jim Glass points out, a Master/slave relationship is
about CPR: Control plus Power produces Respect. As I've
commented previously, your slave is not your boyfriend or girlfriend. This is not a vanilla relationship. As Master, you must
master both the verbal and non-verbal techniques of exuding
personal power.

But, how do you exude personal power if it does not come naturally to you? Where does the control come from? An Internet
search may be helpful, but here are some bulleted notes.

Tips on developing command presence:

• Give a good first impression - every day. You don't
want to look like an unmade bed.

o Always wear clean, pressed clothing; dress professionally.

o Is your car clean, inside and out?

o If you work in an office, keep it extremely clean and
tidy.

• Be conscious of your physical stance.

o Legs apart, shoulder width.

o Hands to sides, NOT in front or in back.

o Be careful to be planted and not to rock or sway.

o Don't lean on anything.

• Attend to how you walk. How you carry yourself portrays command presence or lack of it. Confidence is
projected through your body language and how you
verbally deal with individuals and groups.

o Walk with intent. Don't shuffle your feet or use a
"lazy" walk. Pick up your feet and move like you
know where you are going and that you have a
purpose in going there.

o Walk with your head up, eyes alert, and your
expression intent. You do not want to appear
weak or vulnerable. You want to project the image
of someone who knows why they are where they
are, and who is trained and knows what they are
doing.

o Portray an "I am in charge of this situation" image.
The key is to be outwardly confident - even if on
the inside you are scared out of your wits. You
want your body language to convey confidence.

• Attend to how you speak.

o Your speech is another aspect of command presence. More people than you think hear you speak.

o Don't say too much - when you're silent, people
take it to mean you're "deep."

o Don't say anything that you don't have to say
- knowledge is power don't give it away.

o If you make a mistake, apologize and clean up your
own mess. You are responsible for ensuring that
your message is heard the way you intended.

o Use a strong, well-modulated voice (practice being
forceful with yourself in a mirror - preferably
naked). (I knew a female police lieutenant who
said she taught herself voice control by forcefully
instructing a chair to remain just where it was. She
went on to be an instructor in command presence
at a police academy.)

• If someone was watching you to see how you reacted
if they did something wrong, what would they think?

o How do you sit, stand, and walk when at work?

o Do you walk around with your hands in your pockets?

o Do you look at the ground all the time?

o Do you look bored and inattentive? Monitor yourself; practice being assertive without being domineering. Keeping your cool is also a big part of
this.

Command presence boils down to how you present yourself. Do
you "look the part?" Do you carry yourself with confidence? Do
you ACT the part? Do you speak the part? If you can, then you
are developing Command Presence, which will make your job as
Master a LOT easier.

Starting a New Relationship - a Period of Being
Crazy

For many people, the first several months of a new relationship
are characterized by a wild emotional high. The new partner
is heaven-sent. The new partner is the most amazing surprise
you've ever had. The new partner does everything perfectly.
The new partner is so smart, talented, wise. The new partner,
the new partner, the new partner. Jay Wiseman tells me that
in polyamorous circles, this is known NRE - New Relationship
Energy.

That's why most Seniors that you ask, will advise you to slow
down. Take it easy. Don't rush. Get to know the person as a
person. That's why training contracts are often 3-4 months long.
You have to see how the new partner looks and behaves in six
months.

Some Early Indications of Problems with Your New
slave

In our Community, there are some early warning signs of trouble:

• Your new slave has accepted this relationship with
you, but has NOT checked YOUR reputation within
your local Community. If your potential slave hasn't
checked you out, they are either unusually naive, an
unsafe player, or may be so inexperienced that they
don't know how to check you out. Or they may be a
little arrogant and feel that they can discern all your
strengths and weaknesses on their own. This is not
likely to be true, is it?

• Your new slave may be addicted to drugs, alcohol,
sex, pain, food, etc. This can be pretty self-evident.
But, people with active or prior addictions have certain common characteristics that can include stunted emotional development - so, you may wish to do some
research into "addictive behavior" before getting too
heavily involved.

• Your new slave won't account for a block of time that
has disappeared. He/she keeps ducking and weaving
when asked the simple question: "Where were you?"
(Warning: she/he may have been out finding you a
surprise birthday present - so, be careful about forcing an answer.) Your new slave has frequent personal
crises beyond the normal or average that could be
expected in any life. This could indicate that this person may - through their personal choices - bring these
problems upon themselves. I doubt that you will enjoy
being along for that ride.

• Your new slave seems to have dramatic mood swings:
nice and pleasant most of the time, then aggressive
and abusive without warning. Same comment as
above: this is not normal and you will probably not
enjoy being along for that ride.

General Warning Flags Concerning submissives/
slaves

• Passive/aggressive behavior: He/she keeps saying
"yes", yet your request is utterly ignored or poorly completed. Outward behaviors such as these have deep
roots. It's not likely you will be able to do something
with a fully grown adult who exhibits them.

• Secretive behavior: The slave keeps an online journal
(blog) that you either don't know about or don't monitor on the grounds that it is trivial. (I know of a case
where a Dom chose not to monitor his submissive's
blog. As it happened, she was a distrubed person
and was broadcasting extremely private and negative half-truths about him. These unchallenged fabrications
went around the "submssives network" like wildfire
and caused him to be declared persona non grata in a
number of local clubs.)

• Warnings from others: People seem to be trying to
tell you something about your slave candidate, but you
can't quite understand what they're getting at. You
sense that you're being offered a warning, but you
bristle, and the other person retreats. All I can say to
this is: suppress your knee-jerk defense of the slave
candidate and listen.

• Refusal to negotiate: Your slave-to-be doesn't want
to have a formal negotiation and contract with you on
the grounds that this is a Master/slave relationship,
and as Master, you surely know how to treat him/her,
and you only need to know that he/she wants to serve
you. Ummmm, errrrr this is, perhaps, an Internet
person? Knowing, understanding, and communicating your limits and needs will help prevent abuses of
trust.