Authors: Raven St. Pierre
Water pelted the tile. That was the only sound. I stared at his feet, waiting for him to say something.
Anything,
really. He cleared his throat, recovering from the verbal blow that had no doubt just knocked the wind out of him.
“Uh…
wow
…,” was all he said for now.
“It’s for my job,” I explained. “Raj, the instructor I was paired with, he got an offer to participate in this program the university sponsors where some of the professors get to teach abroad, and… I was one of the three assistants he chose to go with him.”
I felt so selfish explaining this, like such a hard-nose for breaking down to the man I loved why my job was more important than him. I mean… that was basically the message I was sending, right? That I wanted this more than I wanted
him
? But that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
My stomach lurched when I felt myself falling apart. “It’s just that, if I go, Raj thinks I’ll be a shoo-in for a full time position when I finish my Ph. D. And this will help with my dissertation, and—”
“Brook…” The sound of my name leaving Matt’s mouth quieted my rambling. Finally, I looked up at him again. “You don’t have to do that,” he started. “Yes, I do want to hear every single detail, because this is…
incredible
for you, but… I don’t want you to feel like you have to explain yourself to me. You don’t have to justify wanting to do this.”
I stared at him, seeing that the resolve in his eyes was genuine. He really
was
happy for me, proud of me for being offered this chance to prove myself. It was moments like this that made me love him—his selflessness, his understanding, his support.
“I’ll be so far away, though,” I said softly, wanting to make sure he understood fully.
Matt cupped his hands at either side of my neck and held me close. “Brook, you could literally go anywhere in this universe and it wouldn’t change a thing. I’d still love you. I’d still want you. I’d still wait for you.” He sealed the statement with a kiss to the middle of my forehead and then he smiled at me. “It’s not like I didn’t already wait almost three years,” he reasoned. Our eyes were locked when he added, “What’s one more?”
I stared at him, knowing all traces of worry had yet to leave my face despite how hard I fought it. “Yeah?” I said, making him smile even bigger when he nodded.
“Yeah.” My lips welcomed a kiss from him and then our eyes locked again. “Don’t worry about us,” he said, deepening his stare. “We’re unbreakable, Brook.”
This man… his spirit was so incredible. Of all the ways I saw this going, Matt encouraging me to seize this opportunity, reassuring me that nothing would change between us, was not one of them. My concerns didn’t melt away completely, but he calmed my fears considerably just with the few words he’d spoken. I guess, in a way, this was what I needed; to hear him tell me that everything would be okay, that the world wouldn’t crumble and disintegrate if I left. He’d been my voice of reason since day one, so it really shouldn’t have surprised me now, but it did. In his eyes, me leaving wasn’t a nail in the coffin of our relationship; all he saw was an opportunity for me to further my career.
“I want you to do this and I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. I know you.” And he did because that was exactly where my mind was. “Raj would’ve been crazy to choose anyone else.”
He brought a smile to my face as the clouds of emotion began to part, letting the sun shine through. He pulled me into his arms and I stayed there, letting him hold me, savoring the feel of his embrace.
“I love you so much,” I confessed. It just had to be said.
Another kiss went to the center of my forehead, preceding the words, “I love you, too.”
Maybe we really
were
going to be okay…
We finished in the shower and lie down in Matt’s bed. I clung to him, this incredible man. Our arms and legs were intertwined to the point that it was hard to tell whose limbs were whose. He listened patiently while I shared the other details I had about South Africa and then I listened to the steady rhythm of his heart drumming inside his chest when we ran out of things to say. I prayed that I’d be able to recall the sound of it when my nights overseas got too lonely.
We didn’t talk anymore, but we didn’t fall asleep right away either. I think we were both just trying to imagine having to let go so soon after finally connecting. It was terrible to think of it, but it was reality.
A conversation came to mind. It was one Matt and I had the morning after we slept together the first time. I was so uptight, trying to make him understand how things between us would change now that we crossed the line. One of the main points I stressed was that things would become strained when it came down to making major life decisions. Now, here we were, being tested already.
I didn’t sleep all that great and neither did he. Part of what kept me up was the many aftershocks that rocked his house before sunrise, but that was honestly the least of my worries.
Matt did his best to be normal with me the next morning, hiding the sadness I knew had to be lurking there somewhere. We conversed over breakfast, talking mostly about the earthquake, and then we went to the couch right afterward to catch the news to see how bad the damage was. Most only reported minor structural damage, which was a good thing, but the next bit of information affected Matt and I directly.
“All official government business has been put on hold today due to several water main breaks and heavier than usual traffic as city authorities work to assist residents in the area,” the female reporter said, moving on to something else right after.
This meant the courthouse where we needed to file our paperwork would be shut down for at
least
a day while things were straightened out, but they couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t be longer. I wasn’t sure how to feel.
“You know what?” Matt said, standing after he heard the same news I just did. “There has to be another way to get this done. I’m gonna go make a few calls. Be right back.”
With that, I was alone on the couch. Things felt strange between us. And while I knew he wasn’t upset with me because I decided to take the position in South Africa, there was definitely a bit of a chill in the air. It could’ve just been that he was already starting to pull away, anticipating the distance we would have to face in the coming months. I could understand that, but what if there was more to it? What if his feelings were more hurt than he was letting on and he just wasn’t saying anything? I didn’t want him to think that this decision took anything away from how I felt about him, because it didn’t. This was all just the result of extremely terrible timing.
I pulled my feet up onto the couch and continued to watch the news, listening to the reporter give an account of the 5.1 earthquake that rocked the West Coast the night before. My thoughts went to how it felt when Matt grabbed me and held me until it was over. I was still scared out of my mind, but in his arms I was about as relaxed as I could’ve been. He was always so good to me, cared so much. I glanced down at my empty ring finger and let my mind go somewhere it shouldn’t have, to the possibility of us having a future together. I tried my best to fight the images that flashed in my head, but they came anyway. They were images of us spending a lifetime together, happy, in love. For the first time ever, I admitted to myself that this was what I wanted, that
he
was what I wanted.
Maybe even forever
.
My eyes stung and I knew the stupid tears had returned. I hated that Matt made me so emotional all the doggone time, but he did; every time I thought about him. Whether it was acknowledging how much I loved him or missing him when we weren’t together, it didn’t seem to matter. Whatever the thoughts were, they seemed to come with the threat of tears. It felt like my heart went wherever he did and it scared me when I really considered what that meant. It meant I’d given him control—over me, my happiness—and as hard as my brain was trying to convince me I was in over my head, I knew better. Matt was the one man I knew I could entrust with such power without worrying that he’d abuse it. He didn’t have it in him to take advantage of me, or anyone else for that matter.
My heart shuttered in my chest when a new revelation came to me, a reality I’d spent the better part of our friendship denying.
…
Matt was the one.
His deep voice carried down the hall when he opened his bedroom door and came back toward the living room. I wiped my eyes frantically, hoping to hide the evidence of my emotional breakdown. He dropped down onto the couch beside me with his tablet in hand.
“I called Cliff, explained everything to him quickly, and he just emailed me this.” He finally looked and he paused, undoubtedly seeing the redness in my eyes. I cleared my throat and pretended as if nothing happened, hoping that if I ignored it,
he
would ignore it.
“What’d he say?” I asked in a nasally voice, trying to sound chipper.
I leaned toward him to see the screen he held. Matt was quiet for a few seconds longer and as I prayed he would, he didn’t question me.
Thank God.
I scooted closer to him and read the information his agent sent. Apparently, I didn’t have to be present for the annulment process to begin after all—something neither of us considered before. But then again, neither of us had been in a situation quite like this before either, so it shouldn’t have surprised me that we missed something. Matt could file the initial paperwork himself and then, I only needed to have my own signature notarized when the papers got to me. We could end our marriage based on the fact that we were both under the influence of alcohol at the time and the DVD was proof of that if it was ever called into question.
Simple. It’d be all taken care of soon. I should’ve been happy about that, relieved even, but…
“So, that’s all there is to it,” Matt explained. There was still concern in his expression, but he didn’t pry.
“Great,” I replied when he finished. My voice was strained and I knew he picked up on it even though he didn’t point it out.
“So, I’ll uh… I can either have them mail everything out to you, or I can just bring them with me when I come to see about Nick.”
My ears perked. Seeing Nick off to rehab in a few weeks was apparently a solid plan now. At first, it sounded like Matt was on the fence about it, but I was happy to hear that he firmed up his plans. He would’ve regretted not being there for him.
I forced a smile and nodded. “Just bring them with you.”
He sat there a moment, as if mulling over a thought, but then he spoke it aloud. “That won’t be too late, will it? We never really… we didn’t get into when you’d be leaving for Johannesburg,” he said casually, which I knew had to be an act. “You’ll still be here in a month?”
You could cut the tension between us with a knife. This was so hard to talk about.
“I’ll actually be leaving in about four weeks, but we’ll work out the details,” I answered. “I’m giving Raj my official answer when I get home and then I’ll have a month before we ship out.”
He nodded and the silence crept in again. “So… are you excited?” A smile touched his lips, but not his eyes.
There was no use in lying, so I didn’t. “No.”
He stared after that, reading me, probably more accurately than anyone else could’ve. When my eyes watered again, I blinked and looked away. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I had hopes that it was all out my system, but clearly, I was wrong.
Matt’s hand came down gently on my thigh, but I didn’t turn; just looked out the window at the beach, the spot where we got carried away the night before, the spot where we woke up married not so long ago. As I reminisced, I realized that none of those things were like me. I wasn’t spontaneous; I wasn’t fun, easy going. That was all Matt. He did that to me, made me different, made me free, made me do things I wouldn’t otherwise. I couldn’t help but to feel I was better for it.
“Twelve months will go by before you know it, Brook.” He was a great liar, because I almost believed him. Almost. “You’re gonna be so busy over there, you probably won’t have time to even think about me,” he said, laughing quietly at the absurd statement.
I sniffed back a tear. “I don’t wanna talk about this.”
He seemed to understand, holding off on asking more questions, I was sure. “That’s fine.” A few seconds of silence passed between us and then I fell against his chest, wondering if I was making a huge mistake. His arms came down around me and I let my eyes close.
We stayed like that for hours. I didn’t move until it was time to pack my things and head to the airport. The ride was deafeningly silent. Even when we sat together in the terminal, very few words passed between us. Matt sat with me in silence, holding my hand, letting me be in my feelings. Strangers passed. Seats near us filled and then emptied again. But we just sat, unmoving. Our hearts had been linked long before I admitted it, but now that I had, my entire being became aware of how dependent I was on him, as if the veil coming down had changed me physically.
The boarding call was issued for my flight and I still didn’t budge. Matt’s gentle squeeze to my hand brought my eyes to his, finding so much love there. We stood and then a kiss went to my lips. I breathed him in, deep.