Mealtimes and Milestones (14 page)

Friday 11 January

I felt really low today, grieving from the leaving of my key worker. Along with that there are now four people on the tube which brings back memories, painful memories.
This brings the illness closer, which means I have to fight even harder to resist it. It also brings you down because you are having to fight so much of a mental battle inside. This makes me feel
even more alone.

Saturday 12 January

I had a school meeting today which was really helpful. My tutor
²⁹
and I just went through what I would do in my free periods. This
helped me to feel more relaxed about going back to school on Monday.

Sunday 13 January

Today I watched the two
Pride and Prejudice
films (to help with English) and then
Sense and Sensibility,
so it was a bit of a Jane Austen day!

Monday 14 January

School today, my first day.
³⁰
When I arrived there were loads of hugs, and it was great to see people, and sort of show them what
their support has helped me do. At some points, though, the memories were excruciatingly painful, like walking past the loo where I use to go, or the bin where I use to hide food. It is a place in
the past where I was blind to my destructive habits. I kept reassuring myself that this place that I am in now, after this voyage of discovery that I have been on, is where I want to be, and where
I deserve to be. I found that this really helped me.

Lunch was hard because I felt really self-conscious about eating in front of people. I still don’t want them to think that I am better. I just stayed focused,
and it was definitely helpful deciding what I was going to have to eat in advance.

I spoke with my tutor at the end of the day to review how the day had gone. Overall I thought that it went well; it was challenging, but motivating, and I feel the
‘p-word’ . . . proud! Which I know now is a great feeling to have, and that everyone deserves to feel it, even me.

Tuesday 15 January

A change was made at the hospital today. Anyone on the tube was going to have to sit on another table at lunchtime. I personally agree with this decision because coming
back last night was like coming back to a house full of nothing but anorexia and unhelpful behaviours as much as possible, because clinging on to it isn’t going to help me.

Wednesday 16 January

I announced my discharge today, which was so exciting. I feel proud, and when people congratulated me, I was able to own the compliments instead
of pretending that they weren’t for me, which feels really important, and something that I think I can value for the rest of my life of freedom.

Thursday 17 January

In Creative Group, I gained a real confidence boost because as a group we wrote down lots of things about each other, and the things that were said really touched me deep
down, and kept me above my negative thoughts during quite a hard day for the community.

Friday 18 January

I felt really unsupported today, but I am struggling to understand whether I’m actually not getting any support or whether I’m pushing it away, so that others
who are struggling more than me can get the priority.

I guess that this question has come up in the past, although I haven’t been able to name it directly. When I’ve been really struggling and felt hopeless, there was help and support
all around, but my head refused to let me use it, although my heart could see it and wanted it. In contrast there have also been times when people were unable to help me, either because they
couldn’t understand or didn’t know how to help me, or because it wasn’t helpful support they were giving. I’m finding it hard that I can’t distinguish between the
two.

Saturday 19 January

I found going to the gym really helpful today because it was such a good laugh, and it helped me to realize that exercising can be fun and an enjoyable experience, and
that I don’t have to think about it any more as a chore that I have to do.

Sunday 20 January

I went to the cinema today with a friend from school. This was also great because I really cherish being normal. I feel like I am truly getting my life back on track, and
that people like me not because I am anorexic, but because of other qualities that I hold. However, at present I am just not able to see them in myself. It feels too greedy to.

Monday 21 January

I had an in-patient/out-patient handover meeting today which was good because it helped me to feel more reassured about the level of support that I will get when I
leave.

However, I do feel extremely low because I didn’t get a handover when I came back from school, only a talk with a new therapeutic care worker, who isn’t even allowed to be allocated
with anyone yet. This seems like a complete turnaround from Friday, when I felt like I was pushing support away, to now, when I want it but can’t seem to get it. I feel like no one is really
caring for me, and people are just letting me do my own thing. After all, I am leaving in three weeks, why would they still want to offer support to me? This question is going round and round in my
mind, and all I can think of is that I am a bad person, which makes me feel even worse, and has sent me into a complete self-negative downward spiral, which I am in now – and because I
don’t feel anyone wants to listen to me, I am finding it hard to get out of it on my own. But who can I turn to?

Tuesday 22 January

I did a key session today in which I wrote down all of the positives and negatives of leaving. I found this helpful – getting stuff down on paper helped me to clear
my mind.

I’m feeling really mixed about the whole thing. Part of me is excited, and wants to move on and have a healthy, wonderful and exhilarating future; but on the other hand, the words
‘moving on’ seem like such big words. It’s moving on into the unknown. In the future there is a chance that I will have a relapse, which I know I don’t want – I
don’t want to come here again, but I am so scared that it will happen. What strangely links with that is that most of the dreams that I have been having recently are about anorexia –
having a relapse, having to be transferred to another hospital, going back on the tube, getting really thin and dying, and all of these scare me, especially the last one, because it could have so
easily come to that.

Wednesday 23 January

In therapy we talked mostly about my discharge, and what I have gained from my time in hospital, and about my future.

The future is a scary thing because it’s so unpredictable and so uncertain. The future is concealed from me, yet it knows that I am coming. I know that I can create my own future, but how
much can anorexia also create?

Thursday 24 January

After school today I did judo. This really helped me to get back into school life and interact with different people in a different environment. I felt accepted by my year
group. They left my difficulties and struggles behind, and consequently I was able to leave them behind too.

Friday 25 January

I had two free periods today at school from where I dropped my two GCSEs. I found that I was able to take advantage of this, and start to catch up on my school work and
feel comfortable with it. If people do judge me for it, that is OK, because I am learning to be my own individual, and to be grateful for what I do have. I haven’t dropped the subjects
because people don’t think I am good enough to do them. I have missed a tremendous amount of time off school and therefore it is very valid for me to do this. This is such a shift for me, and
such a nice space to be in.

After lessons I was also able to let myself relax and socialize with my friends. This was another change because I have never really done that before – I was always either exercising or
working. I am starting to realize that people don’t like me because I am a hard worker or enthusiastic about sport, they like me because I am me.

Saturday 26 January

I helped out at a six-year-old’s birthday party today and it really got me thinking about being a child. Living in a world where everything is magic. I admire young
children’s innocence and approach to things – they don’t mind saying what they are feeling, and aren’t scared of what their mind can do to them. Their innocence is their
greatest virtue. But unfortunately we all have to grow up, and we enter a place where the magic is combated by logic and physics. Fairies don’t actually live at the bottom of your garden, and
adults aren’t actually super-heroes! At least hope is there when you are young, and this stays with you for ever, no logic or physics can deny you this, and it is only when you are older that
you can actually use it to its greatest advantage.

Sunday 27 January

I didn’t do much today, but instead I was up all night worrying about school tomorrow. I am still really insecure about myself. What if people don’t like me .
. . ? What if they are just being nice to my face . . . ? And still the question remains about whether people are judging me for dropping some of my GCSEs. I tried to calm myself down and relax
myself by thinking of all the beautiful texts, letters and words of support that people have given me. That helped me to realize that the support is genuine and it is because people cared for me
when I couldn’t care for myself.

Monday 28 January

School was OK, a bit tough, but that is to be expected. Although this time I faced one of my biggest challenges so far . . . I went swimming. It was such a huge thing. I
saw it as an option after school and something just came over me . . . I was going to do it, I can’t keep putting it off for ever. I used to do it four times a week. It was made easier
because there weren’t any boys, and also no one from my year was there, so I felt like the other years might not judge me as much, if they did judge me on my size. It was hard putting my
costume on and looking down and being so appalled by my body.

‘Look what they did . . . they made you fat.’

‘NO! They made me healthy. I was malnourished before.’ I told myself that I wasn’t even going to have this conversation with myself and it stopped there.

Once I was in the water, though, I was OK because I felt concealed. The sense of achievement I felt afterwards was so huge. I don’t think that I showed it much on the outside, but inside I
was jumping for delight, and I still am. I so prefer the space that I am in, it is so much better than where I was before. To feel this happy is worth every bit of pain and hurt that I endured to
get here.

I felt that Mum was quite forceful afterwards, though, with getting me to eat extra. I felt like she was taking away from me what I had just achieved. I didn’t like it, I felt like I was
being pushed into a corner, which meant I felt like I had to refuse food, so we argued about that. I felt really uncomfortable, but we were able to talk to each other directly, which helped us
understand each other. Mum was concerned about me exercising again, and getting into an obsessive habit again, and I can understand that – she is scared. For me various things had happened at
school which made the illness greater for me and made me realize that it is still a big part of me. For example, someone said,

‘Ah, I’m starving, I haven’t had any breakfast.’

All I heard was ‘no breakfast’ and I wished that it could have been me, but I had to stop and think about where that would get me. Another thing was when people were handing around
food at break. I wanted to take it so I could fit in more, but I can’t let myself because if I do then I’m acknowledging that I am ‘better’.

These two things in particular had made me feel insecure; and so on top of that, being pressured meant that I had to refuse food. Mum and I talked and worked through my anxieties, and she was
able to understand what I was finding hard. Talking really helped in this situation.

Tuesday 29 January

When I came back to the hospital today I had a handover with a member of staff who I don’t really know and don’t trust, so I didn’t really talk about the
true ups and downs of the weekend. This got me thinking about my out-patient team because I don’t know them very well and so I don’t trust them, and in order to make sure that I
don’t relapse their support is going to be vital, but I don’t know how to break this lack of trust.

Wednesday 30 January

In therapy we talked about my time at home and the events that occurred. Especially the ‘no breakfast’ remark at school. The therapist explained that I
wasn’t able to take into consideration that whoever said that will probably have extra food at lunch to make up for their hunger; I was only able to see the ‘no eating’ part of
it.

My therapist also said how proud she was of me for going swimming. It felt uplifting to get that positive response from someone, because I remember a time when I couldn’t allow myself to
feel pride, and I didn’t even let other people hold it for me.

Thursday 31 January

In Creative Group, we continued to work on our pieces about each other. Mine was read out. It was so lovely to hear such kind and encouraging things said about me, and it
really does make you feel special, and cherished by other people.