Mealtimes and Milestones (9 page)

Monday 15 October

I got some feedback from school on some work that I had sent in. This felt really good, because it helped to reassure me that people weren’t moving on while I was
away and that I was still being thought about.

At 6.30 p.m. it was time for the tube to be removed and my key worker came in. The mixed feelings seemed even more powerful now. It felt like my armour and protection was being taken away. I
would now have to fight without it; I couldn’t blame things on having a tube, and I would have to express myself, which I didn’t feel ready to do. I’ve used it as a bit of a
scapegoat. I hate the way I look, my body, my face, but with the tube in I could blame that, because without it, then perhaps I would be able to see myself as a prettier person.

I am cross that it had to be taken out, but now that it has gone I feel upset. But I feel glad, too, because this is an opportunity to show what I can accomplish – yet it also seems like
just another opportunity to fail.

I talked to my key worker about my problems with connections. I talked, for the first time, about a really good friend who moved abroad in the summer and how much I miss her. When others at
school used to confront me head-on about eating and exercise, she would be there to talk and be more subtle about it. She used to be an ear to listen to my problems and a shoulder to cry on at
school when it all became too much. My key worker wondered whether anorexia really took control when my friend left, and suggested that perhaps I struggle in making connections with people because
I’m afraid that they will leave again. I found this talk really helpful because it feels like we have really got to the bottom of at least one of my problems.

Tuesday 16 October

The morning started off well: I didn’t want the tube to go back. But as the day went on, I felt that motivation slip right through my fingers.

In Feelings Group,
²⁷
it was mentioned that it had been quite a big day for the community because two people have had their tubes removed. I was invited to
talk about how I was going to express myself now. I became very anxious and I felt very reluctant. I explained about the bracelets despite not wanting to.

‘You can’t tell people,’
it told me.

I went against it, but consequently felt so awful and guilty. I feel exposed and vulnerable now people know what I am feeling by looking at the colour of the bracelet. If I don’t wear one,
it means that I am OK. I took it off in Feelings Group because I felt so self-conscious.

I think part of the problem lies in time. I can’t understand why people would want to give their time to help me – I’m just worthless. I haven’t done anything really
wrong, so I can’t really explain what I’ve done which makes me hate myself so much. I think that is why it is so hard to unlock, because there is actually no real answer or reason
– it is just a very strong voice.

After Feelings Group I had some time to think and I put my blue bracelet back on. I was able to realize that, although it is still hard to know that people know what I am feeling,' ultimately it
is helpful. The staff congratulated me because they saw it as a real improvement – I, however, do not.

Wednesday 17 October

I had therapy today. It was the first session I had had in about two months when I hadn’t had a tube in. It felt quite strange and really exposing. We talked about
my feelings around it, and I was able to talk more openly about it. I can really see the benefits of not having a tube. I can see how much of a block it is. For the first time since it has come
out, I feel really free and liberated, and this feels really good.

Thursday 18 October

I was still a long way behind on my fluids and I really didn’t want to go to my core team meeting because I knew how the conversation would go – it would end with them passing the
tube for the third time. My core team meeting was at 2.30 p.m., and my mum was picking me up at the same time to go to the orthodontist because my retainer had broken and it was the only time he
could see me. We were just about to leave, but they called me in, and of course it came up – but they came up with three ideas about passing the tube, if I continued to be low on
fluids:

I don’t want any of those, especially not the third one.

I got into the car with my mum after the core team meeting and burst into tears. I can’t believe that I am in this situation again. I can’t bear the thought of having a tube passed
again, but I can’t see another way out.

I DON’T WANT TO DRINK – I DESERVE AND WANT TO DIE.

I arrived at the orthodontist still crying, and this brought on a whole new set of worries. I found it hard to trust the lady because I didn’t know her. I think the roots of the trust
issues that I have stem from my relationship with my mum, because I often still blame where I am now on her. I begged her not to tell anyone about my not eating and drinking, but she did, so now I
don’t trust anyone. People ALWAYS let you down. As well as that, the bill was a lot of money, which could have been spent on something much more important than me, and I feel terribly
guilty.

When I returned to the unit, I was told that if I continued not to drink, then they would pass a tube tomorrow and I would have to feed myself.

Friday 19 October

My key worker fetched me from lessons at 10.30 a.m. and told me that I was going to be tubed at 10.45. Of course I didn’t want it, but I missed the tube, I wanted it
back as my friend.

I started shaking when they were inserting it and I totally tensed up. I kept groaning through my mouth as I could feel the cold plastic scraping down my throat. This time, the process seemed
much more brutal, and my nose started bleeding. I felt like the brutality must be a punishment. I didn’t like feeding myself, but as it was my first time the nurse did most of it for me.

In the afternoon a package came for me. I opened it eagerly and it was a signed poster from the teenage pro-surfer Bethany Hamilton in Hawaii saying: ‘Constance,
never give up.’ Someone gave me her book about her journey after she got her arm bitten off in a shark attack, and I found her story truly inspirational because of her dedication and faith.
However, I am truly confused about how she knew I was here, and how the parcel got to me. Later in the day I found out that my mum had got in contact with her. It was such a big boost for me. It is
hope.

Saturday 20 October

My visit from Mum and Dad started well until we got on to talking about the school athletics trip to Lanzarote which I signed up for a year ago. They thought that it would
put too much pressure on me to expect me to go in six months’ time, but I feel like it is going to be a real motivation for me. This then moved on to an argument about trust, and how I
didn’t feel that my parents trusted me because they thought if I exercised and lost weight then that would be because of anorexia. They can’t understand that I didn’t do well at
running because I sat back and relaxed. I trained, and I love running and it is a real passion for me. It is like a fog has covered over the logical side of my thinking, and what was worst was that
Dad had got tickets to the rugby World Cup today and he gave them up to see me. This made it all worse because I also feel guilty. He would have had a much better time at the rugby, and I should
have come second. I eventually walked out of the room – I had had enough, I hate disagreeing, and this was really the first time that I had ever done it with my parents.

I talked to my key worker outside. She was pleased that I had shown my emotions and stuck to my opinion, especially because it was different from my parents’. It is apparently a real step,
but it doesn’t make it any easier. I believe that if I show any negative emotion then people will hate me, because I am not being ‘The Perfect Girl’. As I am writing, I can see
that it doesn’t make sense and sounds so illogical and of course it isn’t true, but it sounds so real in my head.

My key worker went back in with me and we talked about it. Mum got quite upset because she couldn’t believe how shallow and ‘black and white’ my thinking is. This just made me
more upset because it is just another thing wrong with me. I HATE MYSELF, I have so many BAD qualities. I always ask myself: ‘Why do people support me?’ I’ve written a list of why
people shouldn’t like me and why I don’t like myself. Here is a list of what is wrong:

With all these true reasons, why on earth do people like me? They must be pretending.

Sunday 21 October

I had an amazing time when one of my friends from school visited me today. It was great to catch up and feel included back at school. I definitely think that it is easier
to stay up to date when you are happier in yourself. It was a really positive visit.

Monday 22 October

I had case management and we talked about the tube – it will come out next Monday. We also talked about the Lanzarote trip. Yes, I can see why people are concerned
about letting me go. I would have to be in control of my eating and exercising, and they wouldn’t know if I started making myself sick again. But it still frustrates me – will I ever be
trusted . . .?

Tuesday 23 October

I was thinking a lot about the tube today. I love all the attention that I get from it, I want to prove that I am an ANOREXIC and I am SO PROUD of that, but on the other
hand I just want to escape into a small hole and never to return, after all, it can’t be any darker than the place that I am now, and it would be far easier.

Wednesday 24 October

We had an Egyptian-style buffet today. I was pleased with how it went, because it was definitely easier than the first one, at the start of the summer, when I just broke
down in tears. The thought of having to choose and eat my own food frightened me so much. I could see an improvement this time, even though improvement is such a negative word to me.

In my therapy we talked about the changes that I was experiencing in myself. I could feel very subtle changes, a bit like I was slowly being turned 180°. Half-term has provided me with quite
a few reality checks. Many of my friends have been away and meeting up – it has shown me how much I am missing out on. Seeing them helps with this, so I don’t feel so isolated, but it
is also heartbreaking to know what they are going home to at the end of the day – a free life, without an inner god dictating to them and destroying them.

I am feeling more confident that this time, when the tube comes out on Monday it won’t go back in because of this new motivation that I have discovered, and I pray that it will
continue.

I was thinking a lot about prayer today. I pray every night to God, although I never pray to Him to make me better. Instead, I ask that He helps me to make the right decisions on the road to
recovery.

I believe that He chose this path for me, so I should continue it and try and work with it, with Him holding my hand all the way, a bit like that bit of my favourite poem, ‘Footprints in
the Sand’:

Perhaps it was chosen for me because He knows that I am going to be a stronger person when I come out of this tunnel, perhaps, I don’t know, but no one can stop me from
believing this. This is one thing that anorexia cannot take from me.

Thursday 25 October

I continued to feel really motivated today as someone was discharged. Before, when people have been discharged, I’ve often felt quite low because I just think that
it will never be me, but today I actually felt like that could be me one day, and that was a complete revelation, a very new feeling – belief.

Friday 26 October

I am trying SO hard at the moment, I have eaten and drunk all my meal plan for the last few days, and today I really noticed how not eating affects other young people, as
this time I was on the receiving end. This really helped me because I became slightly cross with the young people who weren’t eating, so therefore they are ‘bad’ and I don’t
want to be bad, so I must eat, so strangely my ‘black and white’ thought processes seem to have worked to my advantage today.

Saturday 27 October

I had a supervised meal today with Mum and Dad, and I think that it went really well. What helped was that it was with the same member of staff that I was with yesterday,
so we were able to talk about it yesterday and the continuity felt really helpful. As this was my third supervised meal the staff member took more of a back seat, which also helped because it was
seen as an improvement.