Mealtimes and Milestones (10 page)

In the evening one of the young people gave me a ring that she had bought for me to wish me good luck for when my tube comes out on Monday. It was so cute, and it felt really special that a
young person really cared about me, and was thinking about me – it gave me hope.

Sunday 28 October

Lunch was really difficult today because one of the young people was refusing to eat. For me and another young person this completely blew it and we both couldn’t
deal with it. A special meeting was held afterwards, so we could all try and get our feelings out which felt really good because I have so many mixed feelings. I have a huge day tomorrow, my tube
is coming out, and I have so many voices in my head all saying not to eat and the temptation to become reliant on a tube again just gets a thousand times worse. Although today felt so hard, this
meal did feel like such a big turning point because I was able to see myself that I can overcome really difficult times, and actually be proud of myself. I realized where not eating gets you
– nowhere – and I don’t want to be in that place.

Monday 29 October

Following on from yesterday, I was able to eat tea, even though I was so petrified about my tube coming out. It came out after tea and my key worker came to hold my hand
while it was taken out. It felt comforting that someone I have a really close connection with was there, because it was a really hard moment as well as a very big one. I had been preparing for this
mentally for a while, and now I feel like I will never have an NG tube again. Never. Today I have faced my future.

Tuesday 30 October

Nothing really happened today. I’m just trying to stay focused on what I want, and what I need to do. I am just blocking out everyone
else’s struggles and realizing that I want my life back, and believing that I have a great future ahead of me which I can’t achieve with anorexia, because anorexia is no future for
anyone.

Wednesday 31 October

We had our Halloween party tonight. It was just great that all the young people could come together as a community and have fun and forget all of our individual
struggles.

Thursday 1 November

In my core team meeting I asked for an unsupervised meal and snacks out this weekend and I was given them, which I was really pleased about, because I am reaping the
benefits of eating, and not looking back.

I have also now reached a healthy weight so they proposed two possible options:

I was pleased about the thought of doing exercise because it is something that I really enjoy doing, and I want to learn to do it in a healthy way again, and especially
while I have support around me.

However, introducing exercise can’t happen for a little while, because it has to be arranged, so for the time being my meal plan is going to be reduced.

Friday 2 November

I felt really guilty today because in Friday Group I started a conversation about how unhelpful comments were being made by some of the young people to other young people,
and they were quite upsetting. They were things such as ‘Why is she still here . . . she is really fat,’ or ‘Move your fat arse.’ I feel that this is inappropriate language
to use anywhere, let alone in an eating disorders unit, because on the very rare occasions when I do look in the mirror I
do
see someone who is fat, so it is absolutely soul-destroying when
someone says it to you, even if they don’t realize the impact that it has on you. Also, it isn’t about the food and weight, these are just the physical symptoms; it is the inability to
express yourself. This is where people get it so wrong.

I don’t know whether it was the right thing to do, especially because I am still racked with guilt, but I guess that I can only learn from experience, and realize that just because I vent
some of my feelings it doesn’t mean that I am a horrible, horrible person.

Saturday 3 November

My parents’ visit started off quite rocky because I came out to meet them and my mum said,

‘You seem a bit quiet?’

I found this annoying and unhelpful because of the way that she assumed that I wasn’t OK, without giving me the chance to say that maybe I wasn’t feeling that great today, and I was
hurt by this. I was able to say that, though, and as a family we were able to get on with the visit. I can see that this might seem like an insignificant incident to some people, but it means a lot
to me, and I think that as a family we can really learn from these experiences which can help us in the future, perhaps with bigger issues.

Our unsupervised meal went really well. I was able to use the support of my parents, which was really great and such big progress from two or three months ago when I didn’t even want my
parents to see me eat. I feel proud of this milestone that I have passed today and it helps me to see what I can achieve with determination and persistence.

Sunday 4 November

It was the monthly trip out this Sunday, and what with church as well, I was really worried. I thought that it was going to be quite a challenging day.

In church, it was the first time that people had seen me without a tube, and some people did take a double look, which brought back my feelings of exposure.

The outing was really hard because, for one, I don’t like being in public places because I don’t like people looking at me and making assumptions, such as how fat I am and
weight-related presumptions. Also, the only two young people who went were myself and one other who is thinner than me, and I don’t like being the fattest person. I can’t be the fattest
person.

It is really difficult to unstitch all my feelings around body image. My thought processes are like a woven blanket, and I need to unpick every stitch to reveal the real me. I know that I have
said before how my world is very black and white. You are thin or fat, a healthy-looking person doesn’t exist in my world, and part of why I don’t like going out in public is because my
eye always turns to thin people, and that is who I compare myself with.

Before we set off on the outing I was able to talk about these anxieties with a member of staff, and together we came up with a plan to help me. While I was out, I was to try to incorporate a
third person into my scale – a healthy-looking person – and to recognize these people. This definitely opened my mind and really challenged how I thought, which was really good. I was
able to recognize two healthy-looking people while I was out, and she praised me for that. It may only have been two people, but this was a really big thing for me.

Monday 5 November

I had a meeting with my key teacher today about my GCSEs. Although I was still quite edgy about it, she was pleased that I was able to think about the option of giving up
a GCSE. In the past, whenever the subject was mentioned, I would just shut down and cry, and totally dismiss the idea, because academic performance is how I identify myself. I have realized that a
compromise has to be made between taking five and ten subjects. I have learnt to trust my key teacher, and realize that she won’t make the decision for me, she will just guide me into making
the right decision which will ultimately be the best for my health.

I also had a key session today and we talked about body image which I found quite hard, because it is quite a sensitive subject. I explained how I basically live in a world without mirrors,
because I know that the image that I see reflected back is one showing the misery that I am living in, the self-hatred, my twisted and toxic thoughts, and it is an image that I don’t want to
be reminded of. It is easier not to look in mirrors or see my reflection in glass because of what those images symbolize.

I try and try and try to make myself look nice, but however hard I try, I can never please my inner voice which controls me, my efforts are always in vain, and I can’t imagine a time when
I will ever be truly pleased with how I look, and I don’t dare to think about it, because surely this can only lead to disappointment . . .?

I spoke to one of my friends tonight on the phone, which really cheered me up. I find it so reassuring to have a strong friendship with someone who I know doesn’t judge me for where I am.
Having a phone call is really motivating because my friends believe that I can get better, even if I am not able to hold on to that dream yet.

Tuesday 6 November

I had another talk with my key worker about body image today. One of the incidents that had happened to do with body image was when Mum had asked if I would like new
underwear, and I said no purely because I knew that I would have to see myself in just underwear and right now that is too hard.

The same applies for swimming. There is a swimming trip every other week, but I am just too scared to go and face up to the real me. I don’t let myself see myself properly, and the thought
of other people seeing me before I even know myself is too uncomfortable for me. However, I decided to think about the idea of going one week.

Wednesday 7 November

Today was awful. Before Morning Meeting we were all brought together and told that one of the young people had taken an overdose and was going to A&E. A torrent of
thoughts flooded my mind. How could this happen? Was it my fault? Was it something that I had said? Was she trying to commit suicide? The most powerful thought of all was concern. This young person
has become a really close friend and what if she dies?

I was so proud of her, because she was able to tell staff what she had done, but it scared me to think what was going through her mind, because it had seemed like such an ordinary morning. I
have never experienced anything like this before. Although I have seriously thought about trying to kill myself in the past when I have just felt too low and helpless to carry on, it would take a
lot for me to act on it, and I can understand why my friend did it – it is what anorexia makes you do.

It is scary to think this has happened because I have the image of this hospital as a sanctuary that can protect you from the outside world until you are ready to face it, a safe environment for
all us young people to work on all our struggles and difficulties – but this has made me realize that it isn’t, and bad things can and do happen.

A special meeting was held later in the day to say that the young person was going to be OK, which was such a huge relief for the whole community. Many things had to be rearranged during the
day, and the staff were surprised about the lack of anger coming from us. I think, though, when someone is hurt, it blocks out all other feelings and you can only worry until you know that they are
safe, and I don’t think that this is something to get angry with them about – it was obviously a huge cry for help.

Along with that, there was also a new admission today who was on the tube, which brought up some really hard feelings about the past for me. It is really difficult to see someone else on the
tube because I am still so tempted to go back and become reliant on it again, so today it was really hard to keep strong and focus on my own recovery." I hope that I never have to experience a
similar day.

Thursday 8 November

I had a school meeting today with my key teacher and my parents which I was really worried about because I had a vision of it being the same as last time.

To be fair, it was nowhere near as bad, but it did leave me in quite a low mood. I find it really hard to talk about, because my school work means so much to me. It is like they are removing my
harness which keeps me safe. Without it, I will have to understand myself, and there is going to be a period, until I discover the real me, when I won’t have a harness to keep me safe, but
right now I don’t feel ready to take the leap and let go – I don’t know how or where to begin.

Friday 9 November

Nothing particularly happened today, but after snacks some people started to go home
²⁸
and it reminded me that it could be me next
weekend!

Saturday 10 November

It was my day out today. We had a pre-trip talk. I felt quite patronized by my mum because she was worrying about what she should do if I didn’t eat. I am in a
totally different mind frame now and whereas before if something was wrong I just wouldn’t eat, I can now recognize when I am finding it harder and I am prepared to talk this through, and try
to rationalize my thoughts. I felt like she was expecting it to go wrong, which wasn’t helpful for me.

Lunch was made a bit harder because we went to the Science Museum in London, and the tables there are long, so we were on the same table as other families and I felt quite exposed by this,but I
said this and my parents were able to help me by focusing on the fact that the other people probably weren’t taking any notice of us. This was really good. In fact, the worst part of the day
was when Dad fell asleep and started snoring in the Imax cinema – how embarrassing!!!

Overall the day was really successful and really positive and I am able to see what I have achieved, which I know is going to help me to keep focused and persist on this journey.

Sunday 11 November

I saw one of my friends from school today which was really good. I think one reason why it is so helpful is because while I’m in an in-patient unit, it is much
easier and tempting to compare myself (especially in size) with the other young people because we all have eating disorders. With my friends, though, I don’t, because they aren’t ill,
so I am able to stop myself from comparing. We took loads of photos of each other and had loads of fun. It was the first time, though, that one of my friends had seen me without a tube. This was
positive, but it still made me crave the tube, because I want people to know that I am still ill, and I can see that when I get this thought in my head, this is when it all goes spiralling out of
control, but I can’t stop it, I can’t, it always comes for me.