Mealtimes and Milestones (7 page)

Monday 24 September

After weighing this morning I was a bit worried because I knew that my out-patient team had set a weight for me to get to while I was seeing them before I was admitted to
the unit, and I have now reached that, but I am still continuing to put on weight. I spoke to my key worker who reassured me that the weight gain wouldn’t go on for ever, and I still
wasn’t at 100 per cent weight for height. The reassurance helped.

As well as getting reassurance from my key worker today, I also got support from my key teacher, because at the weekend a huge box of books from school arrived for me, and it was quite daunting
because I am never going to be able to catch up on all of the work. She reminded me that my priority at the moment is my health, and the work will still be there when I’m better, whereas if I
hadn’t got help to deal with the anorexia then I probably wouldn’t be here. It was helpful that someone else could put things into perspective for me.

Tuesday 25 September

In my key session we went outside and practised ‘how to get angry’. We started by whispering nursery rhymes, and then saying them, and then shouting. I found
this exercise really hard, because somehow, in my exploration of emotions, shouting is classed as bad and negative feelings as things that shouldn’t be expressed. Instead, I bury them further
and further inside me – but now they’ve emerged as an eating disorder. Although I felt really uncomfortable, it helped me to start by realizing that it
is
OK to get irritated or
upset. My key worker had to keep telling me not to smile, but it’s just a natural reaction for me. When I feel out of my comfort zone or I’m scared I just push everything inside and
conceal it by smiling, and I think that it’s going to take a lot of practice to break this habit.

The most helpful part was when we pretended to play the two voices inside my head. My key worker was the healthy one and I was the anorexic one. We went through basically the battle that is
continuously going on inside my mind every single day like a simultaneous role-play. It went something like this:

I found this exercise so helpful because I didn’t think about how to phrase it, it all just came out, and it is my true battle. I’m sitting here crying now as I am
writing this down because every day is such a continuous battle and struggle with such a split mind, and the anorexic voice seems to have an answer for everything. What was good to know was that my
key worker was saying the same things that I say to myself. It was reassuring to know that if someone was in my shoes then they would be saying the same opposing things.

I don’t know whether it was the key session or the fact that I didn’t want to be fed, but I managed all my fluids today, and I seemed to handle the consequential thoughts much
better, which I suppose is a big achievement.

Wednesday 26 September

In therapy we talked about how I would feel if I had to give up a GCSE, and I almost can’t bear to think about it. The embarrassment would be intolerable. I have an
expectation of myself. My parents, the staff and my friends say that they don’t have one, but I don’t believe them. I would feel so ashamed that I couldn’t cope. I personally
think that it would have the opposite effect if I was made to drop a GCSE because I would feel that I would need to compensate and work even harder on the other nine, and therefore just get into
the cycle again of work becoming an obsession. I cried about this. I don’t want to be more of a failure than I already am. Failure is a catastrophic event for me – and I just seem to
fail at everything I attempt – that’s why sometimes I don’t know why I attempt to do things because I know what the outcome will be. When I fail it feels like I am falling into a
bottomless black pit within myself, and all my attempts seem to wither up inside me. People say that I haven’t failed – but I don’t believe them. They all say I am a ‘high
achiever’, but that just puts more pressure on me. I guess that I have learnt to cry though since I have been here, and realize that it is OK. I just haven’t reached that stage yet with
anger.

Thursday 27 September

I had family therapy today with my grandparents as well. It was great to see them, but the first thing that my grandma said was,

‘How lovely it is to see you. You look so beautiful and so well.’

I found this hard to hear because I know that I am really not beautiful, and I also found it interesting that she thought that I looked well when I had an NG tube up my nose! – I guess a
different take on it!

We talked about the past and how my grandparents looked after me for quite a long time while my parents were both working full-time. We discussed how our family is like an upside-down pyramid.
I’m the only person of my generation, so it’s like I am supporting the rest of the family, which could put me in a hard situation, because I feel that if I do something wrong, then the
rest of the family will crumble.

My ‘upside-down family pyramid’

Grandma also used the expression that I am the ‘jewel in the crown’. I think that this just shows what the family thinks of me, and that increases the expectations that I have. A
jewel in the crown is never bad, and also is always polished. I have to live up to that expectation.

Altogether it was a good session and I think that we all learnt a lot.

Friday 28 September

I had a review today. It was decided that the treatment programme will continue whether I have the tube or not. I am quite pleased about this because the tube is acting as
a complete block against making progress – so long as I have it in, I can’t have meals with my parents, let alone go home at weekends.

After my review, my parents and I had a meeting with my key teacher to talk about my GCSEs and future education. My teacher was concerned that trying to do ten GCSEs while still having anorexia
would be too much, and, knowing that I would accept nothing less than A* grades, she was worried that it would put my recovery back. She suggested that we just bounced ideas around the room. Mum
went first. She said that she would be quite happy and delighted if I turned round and said that I would only do five. Dad then said that he wouldn’t be bothered if I said I wanted to drop
everything and go surfing for a year, and then do some GCSEs when I felt ready. I obviously wasn’t too happy and got quite emotional about it. I just can’t understand what they are
talking about. Here’s why:

My teacher then suggested moving schools. This also was not going to happen in my mind. Even if I was too ashamed to face my friends, and parts of the school such as the
toilets would bring back memories, I know that it is the best school for me, and it has offered me so much support.

At the end of the meeting I could hardly bear to even look at my parents, I was so cross with them. I just stood there like a statue while they put their arms around me and hugged me goodbye. I
wonder how the visit will go when they come again tomorrow, and whether I am still going to be angry.

Saturday 29 September

When Mum and Dad arrived I seemed to forget about the day before and just got on with my visit as normal. In the afternoon we went to an RAF museum. While we were there,
one of the guides asked me what the tube was for. I felt really awkward because I didn’t really know how to answer or even if I wanted to answer at all. Mum stepped in, though, and just
said:

‘She hasn’t been very well lately, and has just come out of hospital for the afternoon.’

It was left at that, but it was still quite a peculiar situation because I have never been confronted by a stranger about the tube before. Although I was embarrassed, part of me craved the
attention and was delighted that someone had noticed me and that I was ill. I just want it to end, my anorexia or my life, either one will do, but right now I would rather have the latter. The
misery that is caused by this unspoken voice is what I deserve.

After the museum we went into town and I was bought a ring which is hopefully going to help me get off the tube. I will wear it, and it is to symbolize that I am struggling, rather than having
to have a tube to show it.

In the evening I read an article in the newspaper about how you can inherit anorexia. There was the mother’s story and then the daughter’s story. The final line of the mother’s
was ‘. . . and I’ve just learnt to cope with my anorexia.’ This hit home really hard for me and I am quite daunted by the thought that anorexia will never leave. Does that mean
that I will just have to ‘cope’ with it? Just for example, at my wedding will I not be able to have a slice of wedding cake because I will be too worried about the calories? Will I
never wear a bikini because I wouldn’t want people to see my figure? The word ‘cope’ denotes struggle for me.

Monday 1 October

Today was quite good because I was told that my level of observation had been reduced, and I wasn’t on observation after meals anymore. I
was pleased because I’m not going to act on any of my really powerful thoughts any more. Although I’m still struggling to see the benefits of getting better, at least now I don’t
want to take my own life.

Tuesday 2 October

I had a really good phone call with my parents tonight. It feels like real progress to have a positive phone call. We talked about how I find it more comfortable to know
that my friends know the truth, which came up when my friend visited me, because I think that her knowing has stopped any rumours. Perhaps being honest doesn’t work for everyone, but for me
it is the best thing because I have found out who my friends are, and instead of living a double life, I’ve found out how much support people radiate out of themselves for other people in
times of need, and these rays of support have really helped me.

Mum also said that some people were upset that I hadn’t invited them to see me, and we discussed why. I realized that these particular people were really close friends who I had known for
a really long time, and I would feel too embarrassed for them to see me so ill. But right now I just needed their continual support, which I wouldn’t have received if I hadn’t been
honest about my anorexia, so I wanted them to know about it even if I wasn’t ready to see them.

Wednesday 3 October

Before Morning Meeting
²²
a member of staff came in and said that there was a dying plant or something in my bedroom. I knew that I
had a flower arrangement, so I went up to check if it was mine.