Authors: Victoria Christopher Murray
I blew out an exhausted breath. "I tried. Even with everything that Caroline was doing to me, I tried. But when she told me that the two of you were taking Angel away from me
…
" The rest of the words caught in my throat.
"What?" Bobby lowered himself to the bed.
"She said you were taking Angel to New York and then she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore."
"Asia
…
I'm sorry," he said softly. "She shouldn't have said that."
"How can you do this to me, Bobby?"
He shook his head, and I was surprised when he took my hands in his. "We're not going to do anything. We were just talking about it; nothing's final."
I looked down and stared at where he held me. "I don't know what I would do without my Angel." My voice trembled. "I wouldn't make it." When I glanced up, my tears dripped onto our hands. "Please, don't take her from me, Bobby. She's all I have."
With his thumb, he wiped my tears, first from my right cheek, then my left. I don't know why, but the way he touched me, so gently, made me cry more. That was when he pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me. I closed my eyes and rested my head and my burdens on his shoulders.
"I promise you, Asia, you're going to be fine," he whispered into my ear.
I leaned back and asked, "How can you say that? If Angel goes away, I won't be fine."
"I'll make sure that you are," he said. "I promise." And then, there was this moment and this thing that passed between us. And after another moment, Bobby leaned forward. Then, with the same gentleness that he'd just used with his hands, he pressed his lips against mine. I closed my eyes and received him. And I marveled at how he felt exactly the same as six years ago. So, so good!
When I leaned back, I thought he was going to jump up. Say that I tricked him or something. But he didn't do any of that. He just took my hands back into his. "Feel better?"
That was when I saw the shadow at the door. I didn't even have to turn my head; I saw her without hardly moving
…
Caroline. She stood at the doorway, with her hands folded, her lips pursed, and her eyes narrowed. Nothing moved
—
except for her nose. Even from all those feet away, I could see Caroline's nostrils flaring.
I turned my eyes back to Bobby. "Yes, I do feel better. Thank you." And in case Caroline had missed it, I leaned forward, and this time, I pulled Bobby into my arms. I closed my eyes and hugged him the way I used to.
When I pulled back a little and glanced toward the door, she was gone. That was when I let Bobby go. I said, "There're a lot of people waiting for you downstairs."
He nodded. "Yeah, and Caroline is going to wonder where I am."
I said nothing.
"Are you going to be all right up here?"
I nodded. "I really just want to lie down for a while. Get myself together."
"Do that." He kissed my forehead, then stood.
I sat in place as I watched him walk toward the door. When he got there, he paused, turned around, and then gave me a smile that felt as good as his kiss.
When he stepped into the hallway, I lay down, but this time, I didn't close my eyes. Instead I thought about that kiss, our kiss, and his smile. And I wondered what was all of that. And then I wondered if there would be more. 'Cause I definitely wanted more.
For the first time since I'd gotten that call from Bobby asking about this dinner, I really smiled. Christmas had always been my favorite holiday, but what a disaster this day had been.
But while the day had been crap, tonight was a different story.
I pressed my fingers against my lips feeling like Bobby's were still there. Yeah, tonight had been some night. Some holy night!
The sanctuary was silent when I stepped inside.
Which is exactly what I would expect on a Friday. But on this day, two days after Christmas, it was silent, though it was not empty.
I stood at the door that led from the sanctuary to my administrative offices, taking in the women that I'd called to be here.
First, there was Sheridan, sitting on the front pew, right in the center. Exactly where I would expect her to be. Her head was bowed, and her forehead rested on her clasped hands. There was no doubt; she was in prayer.
About eight rows back from Sheridan was Kendall, sitting on the left in the last seat. And she was on the edge of the pew, as if she were ready to make a run for it at the first sign of trouble. Inside, I chuckled. At least she wasn't in the back row, which is where Kendall usually sat, where she'd been sitting for the last six years whenever she
did
come to church.
And finally, there was my niece. I sighed as I watched Asia, texting on her phone, then checking her watch, then going back to texting. She paced in the aisle behind the last row. As if she were so busy and didn't have time for this.
Yeah, right! My niece and her life? She didn't have anywhere else to be.
I moved silently across the carpet, and it wasn't until my voice echoed through the large space when I said, "Good morning," that the three lifted their heads.
Gesturing with my hand, I motioned for Kendall and Asia to join me up front. Asia walked toward me first, and then she paused when she got to Kendall's row. As if she needed Kendall with her to make the last part of the journey. Then the two of them walked shoulder-to-shoulder, moving slowly as if they were taking that long walk down death row.
With solemn faces, they gazed at me, looking like this was the last place they wanted to be, and I was the last person they wanted to see. I had to fight hard to hold back a smile. I knew my niece was the drama queen. But Kendall? I guess that's what a six-year friendship would do.
Though I have to admit, friendship was the last thing that I'd expected to come out of the circle of women I'd put together. When I'd introduced them, my hope was the women, who were all going through situations with their exes, would support each other and pray together. And I'd hope that a side effect would be that the older women would influence my niece in a positive way.
I'd been right. The group that I called The Ex Files, had turned out to be more than just a support group and a prayer group. It had been the impetus for their friendship.
But after the calls I'd received yesterday, it seemed that, while the friendships were intact, the ladies hadn't moved as far away from their exes as I'd hoped. Maybe they were still supporting each other, but it seemed like they were supporting each other in their dysfunction. All these years later, and they still had major issues with those same men.
I leaned against the railing in front of the altar, crossed my arms, and waited for Kendall and Asia to take seats next to Sheridan. Then I let them sit in silence of the sanctuary for a moment before I said, "Thank you all for coming."
"As if we had a choice," my niece mumbled.
I was used to Asia's smart remarks. And usually, I would go in on her. But I kept my focus on my purpose, this meeting.
"Let me get right to the point of why I called you here." I paused and looked at Asia. "Calling you here and not giving you a choice."
My niece tucked her chin to her chest.
"I understand the three of you had very interesting Christmases."
I hadn't told any of them why I had called them to the church; I hadn't even told them that the others would be here. So I'm sure my words were a surprise. But not one of the ladies said a word. Instead, they all looked away as if it were too difficult now to make eye contact with me.
"We need to talk about this," I said. "Or rather, I need to talk, and you need to listen.
"When I first came up with The Ex Files, I wanted to bring women who were in similar circumstances together so that you could talk together, cry together, pray together. And I thank God that over the years, you've really bonded. But what Christmas has shown me is that while you have moved forward in certain parts of your lives, the three of you are still stuck in some way with your exes. And since these men will be in your lives, since they will all forever be an ex, you have to find a way to deal with these situations."
I paused, so that their spirits could digest my words.
My eyes moved to Sheridan first. Though her head was up and her eyes were on me, I had the feeling that she was still praying inside. That's just how Sheridan was; she was a prayerful woman who understood the need to take her cares to The Lord. That's why I was so surprised to find out that she was still in bondage over what happened between her and Quentin.
I walked over, then knelt in front of her. "Your mother called me," I said.
"She did?"
I nodded. "I heard all about your lunch with Quentin and his fianc
é
e."
Both Kendall and Asia gasped, and that surprised me a little. I would've thought the three of them would've talked by now. But I guess all of their Christmases were traumatic, and they needed time to process it before they could share it.
I held Sheridan's hands within mine. "I want you to get this and get this good
…
you are not the reason that Quentin is gay." I paused so that those words could sink in. "You are not his sin, Sheridan. But you've got to know that you are not his savior either."
"Whoa," Kendall and Asia said together.
My words made an impact on Kendall and Asia, but at first, I wasn't sure about Sheridan. She stayed quiet, holding my hands, not moving at all. And then, tears welled in her eyes.
I wasn't trying to make her cry, but I really needed her to understand this. "Nothing with Quentin happened because of you. And where Quentin goes from here
…
that's not on you either." Again I paused before I asked, "Do you get that?"
When Sheridan nodded, a tear dropped from her eye. I wasn't sure if she got it totally, but she understood what I was saying and that was the beginning.
I pushed myself up and, in that moment, was so glad that I worked hard to stay in shape. But when I stood in front of Kendall, I decided not to crouch down again. This time, I sat on the pew.
Turning my body to the side, I now held Kendall's hands. "My dear Kendall. Your dad called me, and I'm so sorry."
I waited for Kendall to say something, but her face remained as hard as I knew her heart was. Kendall, the strong one. The one who didn't care, the one who hardly cried. The one who had been wounded the most.
"I'm going to be here for you and your dad. In fact, I'm going over to his house to pray with him this afternoon."
"Thank you, Pastor," she whispered.
"But listen to me," I began, "as your father is fighting a cancer, you have one within you that is eating you up inside. You have a cancer that is trying to destroy you just like your father's is trying to destroy him." I waited, hoping that Kendall would speak. But when she said nothing, I told her what she already knew. "My dear, you're going to have to find a way to deal with your unforgiveness."
She shrugged as if everything that I'd just said was no big deal. "If you're talking about Sabrina and Anthony, I don't have any issues anymore, Pastor."
"You don't?"
She shook her head. "Nope."
"Okay," I said. "Do this for me; look up at that altar. Look at that cross and tell me that you have forgiven Sabrina and Anthony."
Kendall raised her eyes, but then looked down right away. She didn't say anything.
Exactly! She could lie to me, she could even lie to herself, but she could never lie to God. I squeezed her hands. "What you went through with Sabrina and Anthony
…
I can't even imagine. I know you've said in the past that Sabrina and Anthony are a better match than you were with him
…
"
"Yeah, they are." Her tone still remained nonchalant. But there was just a little quiver in a voice. A little quiver that let me know that the hard shield around her heart was breaking away.
I said, "Still, the way it went down, what happened between them
—
it may have ended up right, but when it began, it was wrong." She squeezed my hands a little, though I think it was just a reflex. Inside, she was just agreeing with me. I kept on, "But here's the thing, Kendall, the entire Christian doctrine, all that we believe, all that we love
…
is about forgiveness. God's forgiveness.
"And God demands that we give to others exactly what He's given to us. He demands that we forgive. But it's not for the other person. He demands it so that unforgiveness doesn't grow like a cancer within us."
She pressed her eyelids together as if she were doing everything in her power to hold back her emotions.
I said, "God truly wants us to get this forgiveness thing. Because if you don't forgive people, God can never forgive you. And that's not me saying that; that's scriptural. I know you know that."
She nodded, but I was never sure when it came to Kendall. She was the one I could never read.
But there was not too much more that I could say. So, I left her with, "I want you to go home and read Matthew 6:14
–
15. I want you to read it. I want you to study it. I want you to write it out on index cards and post it all around your house. I want you to pray for more than understanding. I want you to pray that you will get the understanding all the way down to your soul so that the understanding will lead to a change in your heart."
Kendall nodded, but again, I just wasn't sure. All I could do from this point was what I'd always been doing. All I could do was pray for her.
With a sigh, I sat on the other side of Asia. My beautiful niece who didn't know just how beautiful she really was. Asia had never been able to understand that she was more than her physical being. She thought that her looks, her body, were all that she had to offer a man. She thought that her looks, her body, were what was going to find her true love.
Oh, for this child to understand that loving God first and herself second was all that she needed. But in all the years that I'd loved this girl, I'd never been able to convince her. This message couldn't come from the outside; this was something that Asia was going to have to search for inside, and God would reveal it to her.
I tried my best not to worry about anything in life; truly, I took everything to The Lord. But I had to work extra hard on doing that with Asia because it was difficult not to worry since she was in her mid-thirties now. So when was she going to learn this lesson? My fear was that she would eventually learn it, but that the lesson would come with a great fall.
I pushed her hair over her shoulder and smiled. "My dear, dear Asia. Do you know how much I love you?"
"I know that, Aunt Beverly. I love you, too."
"I just wish you loved yourself as much."
She rolled her eyes, and I knew what that was about. She'd heard this from me before, and I didn't care what kind of an attitude she got; she was about to hear it again. I would say it, shout it, scream it until she got it.
When Angel called me and told me what happened at their Christmas dinner, I was not surprised. In fact, it was what I expected. Caroline Johnson had been hurt by my niece, and hurt people, hurt people. Caroline needed counseling and prayer as much as Asia. But while I could pray for Caroline, my concern was my niece.
"I know what you're up to," I said.
Asia turned toward me with a frown.
"It's in my spirit," I said. "I know what you're up to with Bobby."
It was the way Asia hesitated for just a millisecond before she said, "I'm not up to anything," that let me know that I was right. Not that I had any doubts. What I told Asia was the truth. God had dropped the truth into my spirit.
"You
’
re trying to fool everyone, Asia. Probably even trying to fool yourself. But this is what I know
…
do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap," I said. Now while I always spoke the Word of God, I didn't usually go around quoting scriptures. That was just too heavenly for me. But I felt like Asia didn't need to hear any interpretation. She needed to hear the exact words from God.
Then my niece shocked me. She nodded. "That's in Galatians."
I'm sure my eyebrows shot all the way up to the top of my head. I'm not one to judge anyone's relationship with God, but I have to say, Asia just made me want to shut my mouth! Sure, she was in church every Sunday, but I thought that was just because she didn't want to get a call from me
—
I always called when she wasn't there.
But it seemed that Asia was doing more than just sitting in the pews. She was listening, learning, and apparently opening her Bible beyond the scriptures that I gave to the congregation every Sunday.
Asia asked, "But why are you telling me this, Aunt Beverly? I'm not mocking God. I don't even really know what that means."