Miriam's Secret (6 page)

Miriam welcomed the four scholars home—Naomi, Aaron, Dana, and Elizabeth. “How did school go today, Elizabeth?” she asked cheerily, greeting the first child through the door.

First-grader Elizabeth's face glowed. “I got to read my first word today. All by myself!”

“That's wonderful!” Miriam exclaimed.

Shirley forced herself to join the happy conversations. The last thing she wanted was for the younger children to find out what she'd done. She didn't want to be a bad example for them. She'd have to keep her interest in Jonas a secret from younger ears.
Oh oh.
Already thoughts of Jonas and his fancy
Englisha
car were dancing in her mind again. She hurried into the kitchen. Thankfully no one but
Mamm
seemed to notice her abrupt departure. She'd gotten herself together by the time eighth-grader Naomi followed her and asked, “What's for supper tonight?”

“Still thinking on it,” Shirley said as cheerfully as she could muster.

“I'm
starving
!” Naomi proclaimed. “Why not a big chicken casserole for starters? I'll help.”

“You'll have to ask
Mamm
.” Shirley kept her face turned away. She would love to make a big supper tonight, but big suppers were kept as a Friday-night special. This was part of the frugality written into every area of the Yoder household. Naomi knew this, but obviously hope sprang eternal for the schoolgirl.

Moments later Shirley could hear subdued voices coming from the living room. She paused to listen. The low murmur of voices reached her ears.

“He just passed this morning.”

Deducing that Miriam was telling the children the news of Mr. Bland's death, Shirley was relieved the talk wasn't about her. She busied herself with supper preparations. They would have simple potato soup and crackers tonight. That would nourish the large Yoder family, although it would be a far cry from the supper Naomi had envisioned. Naomi was like Miriam in accepting the family's state of affairs. Those two not only wanted to be good, they
were
good. She, on the other hand, still had
visions of Jonas and his sporty car in her head. And, worse than that, she could envision Jonas in his
daett
's big house in the well-to-do neighborhood between Berlin and Sugarcreek. No doubt their dinner tonight would be a roast…or maybe even steak. Probably mashed potatoes and gravy and dessert, such as pecan pie and homemade cherry ice cream.

Shirley stared out the kitchen window, ignoring the murmur of conversation continuing behind her. If
Daett
knew how strong her desires were, what would he do? Maybe she should make a full confession tonight. But look at the trouble the partial one had already caused! A lecture from her
daett
over what she'd already confessed wasn't something she looked forward to. But maybe if she submitted to his words and will, her soul would be washed of all her wrong desires and she'd become a
gut
girl like Miriam and Naomi. Shaking her head, Shirley tried to make herself believe she accepted difficulties—like the lack of money—as the will of the Lord for her. But she didn't, and it was an awful state to find oneself in. And apparently nothing was going to change in the near future. She decided she would listen with meekness to what
Daett
had to say tonight and go from there.

Naomi reappeared, sober-faced now from the news about Mr. Bland. She didn't comment on Shirley's supper preparations. Either
Mamm
had turned her down or Naomi had never asked. “That's sad about Mr. Bland,” Naomi finally said. “I think it's harder on Miriam than she's letting on.”

“She's had a hard day,” Shirley offered. She almost added “in part because of me,” but she'd already confessed enough for one day.

“Miriam didn't say when the funeral was.” Naomi wiped a tear from her eye. “It's all so very sad.” Naomi's voice took on a
more cheerful tone. “One
gut
thing happened though. We have a new couple in the community. Ivan Mast took Laura Swartz home on Sunday night.”

But Miriam wants him
, Shirley almost said aloud. She held back. Naomi wouldn't learn of Miriam's disappointment from her.

“I'm so happy for them,” Naomi shared.

Shirley forced a happy tone into her voice. “Love is always a
gut
thing.”

Naomi glowed. “I hope the Lord has such a decent man for me someday.”

“I'm sure He does,” Shirley said, hoping the same about herself.

Chapter Six

L
ater that evening, after the sun had set and the gas lantern hanging from the ceiling hissed above them, Shirley sat on the couch in the living room with her hands in her lap. Supper, devotions, and the dishes were finished. The younger children and older boys were upstairs. Miriam was on the couch beside Shirley.
Daett
sat upright in his rocking chair across from the two girls.
Mamm
was sitting next to him in her rocker.

Shirley cringed inwardly, wondering what
Daett
was going to say.
Mamm
had spoken her mind earlier, so tonight the lecture would come from him. From the look on his face, he'd already been informed of her transgressions. No doubt a strong rebuke would soon begin, followed by instructions toward living a more godly life. Shirley didn't object to that—in theory. It was the unpleasantness of that kind of journey that bothered her.

Breaking the silence in the living room,
Daett
cleared his throat. “Shirley, is this true what I hear?”

“What have you heard?” Shirley wanted to ask, but she remained silent and nodded.

“I'm glad to hear that you've confessed this thing.”
Daett
's tone grew tense. “But driving around in a car with Jonas Beachy? Shirley! What were you thinking?”

“I'm sorry,” Shirley whispered.

Daett
grunted and fell silent.

No doubt
Daett
doesn't think much of my apology, Shirley thought. And she couldn't blame him really. She waited. More lay ahead, she was sure. And she needed all the lectures
Daett
could give her. Somehow she had to learn to obey like Miriam and Naomi did.

“Is it the money, Shirley?”
Daett
asked. “Is this why you're stretching our boundaries of a decent
rumspringa
time?”

Shirley sat up. She didn't hesitate. “Maybe. I know not having a lot of money shouldn't bother me, but it does. And I'm sorry that it does.”

Daett
hung his head. “At moments like this, I wish I had all the money in Berlin…or even in Possum Valley.”

“I'm so sorry,
Daett
.” Shirley rose from the couch. “I'll forget about Jonas Beachy right now. I promise!”

“I'd rather you obeyed me instead of making empty promises all the time.”
Daett
's voice was weary. “You know what's right, Shirley, but you don't get it done.” He settled back in the rocker with a sigh.

Shirley almost whispered she was sorry again, but her
daett
started talking again.

“I may be tempted at times by the promises money makes, Shirley. But in my heart I know those promises aren't true. You would do well to learn the same truth. The promises of money are
always
false, and they will always be false no matter how
many nice things in life one can buy with money. In the end, the Lord is glorified only when we accept our lot in life and take what He gives and doesn't give without complaint.”

What if it's my lot in life to marry a rich man? she thought. She bit her lip to keep from blurting it out.

Daett
went on. “If I've failed to live my life as a
gut
example before you, Shirley, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.”

“And I want to say the same thing,”
Mamm
said at once. “I know I'm not nearly as
gut
an example as your
daett
is, but still…”

“That's not true!” The words sprang from Shirley's lips. “You two are the best examples anyone could have.” Shirley winced because the stabbing pains caused by her parents' words were cutting deep. She'd been ready for a long lecture, but their sorrow was much harder to bear.

“I'm glad to hear you say that,”
Mamm
said. “Your
daett
is a father worthy of your respect.”

“I know. I'll try to do better!” Shirley looked away. If only she were convinced by her own words. She wanted to obey at that moment, but what about later? How much time would pass before she forgot her resolve…or disregarded it and did something wrong again? She was sure one glimpse of Jonas would be all that was needed for her sincere resolution to fly out the window.

Daett
seemed to be of the same opinion. “You shouldn't go into Berlin any more, Shirley. Not for a long time. You need to stay away from the temptation to see this young man.”

Alarm rushed through her. “But I have to help with the shopping! I'm the one who always makes…”

“Shirley!”
Mamm
cut her off. “
Daett
is right. And the way you're reacting right now is all the sign we need to know this is the way it should be. Miriam will do the shopping tomorrow,
and then we'll consider what we'll do from there. No hardship on us is too much if it helps keep you safe from temptation.”

Shirley swallowed hard.
Mamm
was right. If there was anything that judged where her heart lay, it was the pain running through her right now at the thought of not seeing Jonas tomorrow.
Mamm
looked at her as if she knew Shirley's thoughts. But thankfully no one said anything. They were kind to her, much more than what she deserved. Somehow she would have to get over Jonas Beachy.

Daett
cleared his throat again. “And then there's the matter of our faith, Shirley. I know you're only seventeen, so perhaps you don't see the seriousness of this situation. Love will not cover the vast differences between the Beachy family and ours when it comes to what we believe. They aren't Amish anymore. They're not even of the conservative Mennonite faith. Did you know that, Shirley?”
Daett
paused, but then continued when she didn't answer. “Not that I want you to marry a Mennonite. The Beachys have left the faith of our fathers completely. Please keep that in mind. I know this can be hard in matters of the heart, but you must pay heed, Shirley. These things must be remembered even in your
rumspringa
time.”

“I know.” Shirley hung her head again.

Silence followed. Am I allowed to go? Shirley wondered. Is
Daett
finished? She took a quick glance toward her
daett.
His head was bowed and his lips were moving.
He's praying,
she realized. More pangs ran through her chest.
Daett
's sorrow over her misdeeds was indeed great. She ought to say something that would help ease everyone's mind, but the only words she could think of would sound empty.

“You may go now, Shirley,”
Mamm
said.

Shirley rose, followed by Miriam. The two girls made their
way upstairs to the bedroom they shared. Once they were behind the closed bedroom door, Shirley faced Miriam and said in a low voice, “You didn't say anything.”

“What could I say?” Miriam sat on her single bed with a sigh. “You know it's going to be hard for you to keep your promise.”

Tears burned in Shirley's eyes. “You think I don't know that?”

“I wish there was some way it could be different. That the money situation here at home would ease.” Miriam appeared genuinely concerned as she continued. “I know that bothers you much more than it does me.”

“Why can't I be more like you?” Shirley's question hung in the air.

Miriam shot her a quick glance. “We're all different, and there's nothing wrong with that.”

“That's kind of you to say,” Shirley replied with a rueful smile. “But when ‘different' involves such temptations as Jonas Beachy and money, there is a problem.”