Montana Secrets (18 page)

But now she'd surprised herself by driving to Earl's grave.

It wasn't a conscious decision on her part to go there. In fact, when she stopped the truck outside the picket-fenced cemetery and stared at the marker atop his grave, the only thing she wanted to do was turn around and never look back.

But she didn't.

Figuring it was too late to be a coward now, she opened the door and faced the cold, gingerly exiting the vehicle and feeling every ache and pain in
her body from her fight with Roy. Traversing the distance to the plain grave was harder, every step taking her closer and deeper into the past.

Earl Carlton Korbit.
Not beloved father or husband. Simply her stepfather's name, date of birth and death. As she stared at the marker, it became harder to breathe, harder still to concentrate as she relived every slap and curse, every violation of her little-girl body.

“Oh, God, help me,” she prayed, closing her eyes and lifting her face toward the sky, arms wrapped around herself against the cold, bitter air and the pain.

Seth, Brent—both of them said to let the past go, and she wanted to. She desperately wanted to. But how?

The Lord's Prayer came to her then, every word seemingly sent from heaven directly to her mind.

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

Tears threatened and she blinked rapidly, shaking her head. No, she couldn't. Earl wasn't worth forgiveness.

But if she couldn't forgive him, how could she ever truly put the past behind her?

There was a bench by the gate, and after knocking off a half foot of snow, she sat staring blankly at the rows of stone. Maybe she couldn't forgive Earl, but maybe she could find the strength to gain acceptance.

She nodded once. Acceptance. The past had happened and no amount of wishing or dreaming or praying was going to alter it. So maybe the key to moving on was being able to simply accept that her rape had happened. No excuses, no guilt. It happened and she had to deal with it. Use what she knew from personal experience to help others as a way of contending with it herself. Maybe acceptance would lead to forgiveness over time.

As if sensing her decision, the wind picked up, blowing her hair into her face. She swept it back with a bruised hand, her gaze once again drawn to the stone marker five yards away.

Grace leaned her head back and stared up at the cloudy, dark purple sky, the resolve she sought settling in her heart, her soul. She was a firm believer that things happened for a reason, and if that were the case, her rape had also happened for a reason.

To make her stronger? To lead her in a new direction? A shiver coursed through her, so powerful she knew she'd found her answer.

If that were the case, if what had happened to her was to prepare her to save other little girls, children, then it was worth it.

If that were the case, she could accept what happened…and move on with her life.

A
N HOUR LATER
G
RACE EASED
herself back in the recliner Hank had kindly brought to her room after being treated and released from the hospital. Lying down was in no way comfortable or possible with her broken ribs, so she'd spent the last two nights sleeping in the chair, upright, Seth in her bed since he refused to leave her side in case she needed something during the night.

She closed her eyes, totally drained from her drive and the emotional release, but managed to smile when she heard an infant's cry from somewhere in the house. Pretty soon the single cry became a double and both baby boys were wailing loudly. Jake's sons bellowed like pros despite being premature.

She shifted uncomfortably, the pain medication she'd taken upon arriving home sliding into her blood and finally beginning to take effect, easing the tension coiled around her middle.

While her drive had given her a measure of peace, she hadn't made any decisions regarding
Seth. She loved him and wouldn't deny it. The question was could she conquer her self-esteem issues with Seth's help the way she'd conquered her fear of intimacy? Would Seth understand what it was like growing up never feeling good enough to warrant the “right” kind of love? Better yet, did her feelings for Seth revolve around the gratitude she accused him of feeling for her? Gratitude because he'd helped her through such a difficult time?

No. She loved him. That much she knew for sure. But the last thing she wanted was for her insecurities with herself, her self-image, to remain a barrier between them. Which meant she had to voice her fears about their relationship aloud to Seth, and also ask that he explain his feelings for Arie. Sharing, openness, honesty. All things her counselor said were a must when dealing with issues like hers.

The news reports put such a heroic slant on her helping Lexi out of the rafters and her battle with Roy that she had requests for interviews and several job offers sight unseen. She had one huge decision to make. Seth had regained sensation in one leg, and could sense tingles and pricks in his other foot. It wouldn't be long before he recovered completely. He wouldn't need her PT services anymore and that would free both of them to deal with their feelings…one way or the other.

A knock sounded at the door. Grace opened her
blurred eyes, hoping the person didn't expect her to get up, because after all the activity she'd had today it wasn't going to happen.

“You okay, Grace?” he asked through the door.

“Yeah, Brent, I'm fine. But I don't want to talk,” she answered, knowing without a doubt her brother would understand. A scratch came from the floor a split second before Blackie jumped to her lap and made herself at home.

She rubbed the ears of the rapidly growing kitten, smiling when its purr resembled a motor. “What do you think I should do?”

“Talk to me,” Seth murmured from behind her. He wheeled himself inside the door separating their bedrooms and shut it behind him. “I heard what you told Brent,” he said, rolling closer until he sat beside her. Blackie blinked at Seth, then took off with a haughty sniff and twitch of her tail. “But I also remember telling you to go away and you came in, anyway.” He snagged her hand and held it between both of his. “Shows you. I can be stubborn, too.” His expression softened, his worry painfully evident. “You disappeared on me.”

“I needed some time.”

He raised her hand and kissed her knuckles. “I remember that, too. I tried to get everyone to leave me alone, even though I needed someone to talk to. Just like I think you need me now.”

Her nose tingled with the threat of tears. “I…I went to Earl's grave.” Seth looked surprised and she smiled, her head lolling on the recliner's back. “I had to vanquish his demon. And I think I may have managed it. To some extent, anyway.”

“I'm glad.”

She looked down at their clasped hands. “And I'm confused.”

He leaned closer. “I love you. Whatever you're confused about, we'll work through it.”

She inhaled as deeply as was possible, given her ribs, and moaned.
Just say it. See what he says. Don't be a coward.

“Did you hear Phil Estes talking to me in the kitchen?”

What did Phil have to do with Seth loving her? “Something about a project.”

Seth tilted his head to one side. “Brent's moving into the bunkhouse as soon as he finishes college.”

“What? But—why would he stay here?”

Seth's frown indicated his disappointment in her words. “He's created a lot of his inventions to help people like me,” he explained, “so why not let him showcase his work at a ranch dedicated to giving children, teens, adults—whoever—the chance to use them?”

“I don't understand.” Oh, but even her medicated mind was beginning to make sense of his words. His
project.
That was how Seth was going to save his ranch. And Brent would help. Brent loved Montana and had always talked about moving back.

“I hate the name ‘dude' ranch, but in this case it fits. Phil's helping me turn my ranch into a place for special-needs families. A place where wheelchair ramps are the norm, not the exception. Thanks to the ideas Brent's come up with, guests will be able to ride and fish, snowmobile, whatever—comfortable that every possible consideration has been given to their disability.”

“Wow.”

Seth grinned. “Yeah. I think it's pretty incredible myself. Phil said the grants are going smoothly. He's never seen anything like it. Government agencies want to give us money, private organizations want to send people here to help set it all up at no cost. There's nothing like it in this part of the country and everyone's wanting to get in on it. It's amazing.”

“It sounds…wonderful.” It was more than wonderful. It was fantastic. And she wasn't surprised at all Seth had come up with something so unique given the problems he'd had adjusting.

“Maura's agreed to be our chef. She's missed cooking all those fancy meals, so a few nights a week she's going to go all out. She and Jake are going to stay on in the house while they build a place
of their own. Maura also has a cousin who's going to be the housekeeper and help out with the babies. She has a girl with some problems and wants to get out of the city where they live now, so she's going to use the studio. Everything's falling into place except for one thing—we need a full-time physical therapist to care for the guests.”

A full-time therapist.
Here?
She shook her head dazedly, unable to take it all in. Her head ached, her ribs ached and she wanted to say yes more than anything. “Are you still in love with Arie?” There, it was out. And now that it was she couldn't look at him. She hadn't meant to blurt it out like that but—

Seth leaned over and turned her face to his with a hand under her chin. “No, I'm not,” he denied firmly. “I thought you knew by now that you're the only woman I love. Have ever loved. Why would you think otherwise?”

“You won't talk to me about her and…”

“And what?”

She found it hard to swallow. “I worry that our feelings for each other aren't entirely…honest.”

“Meaning yours?”

Somewhat defensive, she shrugged. “And yours. You won't talk about Arie. I've asked you, remember?”

Seth smoothed his free hand roughly over his
face and grimaced. “Ah, Grace, I don't know how to….you're wrong, honey. I didn't love Arie.”

“But you married her.”

“Yes, I did,” he agreed with a nod. “And I cared for her in the beginning, but at the end when she died—” His expression darkened. “All I felt was relief.”

Shock was the norm for the past few days and now was no exception. “But…you can't bear to have her paintings in the house. Won't speak of her. Because it's so painful.”

“And you're comparing yourself to her,” he murmured knowingly. “Sweetheart, don't. Please don't. There is no comparison—don't look at me like that either. Let me explain. I don't talk about Arie because her death was painful.” Seth lifted her hand to his lips again, kissing it before mouthing the words against her fingers. “Maura had recently found out she was pregnant with Lex. I knew something was going on because Jake was acting weird and talking about dropping out of college. Anyway, I went up to see them, we worked out a plan, I met Arie and…two weeks after that, Arie announced she was pregnant as well.

“I never doubted her. Never thought it might be a lie. Arie was extremely…emotional. She seemed all right most of the time, but then something would trigger her and she'd go off. And I can't be entirely
sure, but I think she made up the pregnancy, probably because she was jealous of all the attention Maura was getting from their family. Maura and Jake planned a small ceremony, bought the white dress and a cake. Arie had to have that, too, only bigger and better. Then, when she should've been showing and wasn't, I confronted her, tried to get her to go to the doctor. She put me off with excuses for a while, but then she finally said she'd lost the baby.”

“Oh, Seth.”

“At that point Maura only had a year or so left of schooling to become a chef, so Arie volunteered to watch Lexi and even claimed it helped her cope with losing our baby. I still didn't doubt her story, and with Jake and Maura both in school, I didn't argue, either. But sometimes I'd walk in and Lexi would be screaming and Arie—” he released a gruff curse “—Arie would have her headset on to block out the noise, painting away, not even bothering to try to soothe Lexi.”

His gaze met hers briefly before sliding away, and in that moment Grace saw Seth's insecurities, raw emotions just below the surface. She connected with him in that instant, knew she wasn't alone. “I left one morning to go bring in some of the horses before a storm hit. With so many people in the house, I'd hired Hank's wife to come and give Arie
a hand with the baby and cleaning, but that day she was late. In the rush I forgot something and had to turn around, but when I got back to the house…” He inhaled roughly. “Something was wrong. I
knew
it. I ran inside, expecting Lexi to be crying, but everything was quiet. So I went up to Lexi's room to check on her, and found Arie standing over her bed with a knife in her hands, ready to plunge it into Lex.”

Grace gasped, her hand jerking up to cover her mouth.

“I lunged for her, we fought. She tried to stab me, but I got the knife away from her. She screamed obscenities, told me she hated me and the ranch and everyone on it. Then she took off. Her car slammed into a tree about a mile outside town.” Seth raised his gaze to hers. “When I told Jake—”

“He was furious,” she murmured. “That's why he won't move into the studio, isn't it? Because it was hers and she—”

Seth nodded.

“But Maura—after all this time how does she not know? She's never said a word about this.”

His mouth firmed. “I left it up to Jake to tell her, but he hasn't. Maura blamed me for letting Arie drive when she was that angry and upset, but—I can't blame Jake. How do you tell someone the sister she'd finally grown to love had tried to kill her
baby? Jake doesn't want Maura to know how much Arie hated her. How twisted she was. He says there's no need when it would only bring more hurt to her and her family. Especially since Jake and I think Arie slammed into the tree on purpose.”

Grace moaned softly at the image his words evoked. “Oh, Seth. I'm so sorry. I had it wrong all this time.”

Seth stroked her cheek, mindful of the bruise. “I
didn't
love her, Grace. To this day I can't get the picture of her out of my head. The knife, Lexi so close to death. Thank God Lex was asleep and never saw a thing.”

“Unlike you. You lived the nightmare.”

His eyes were bleak as he nodded. “As did you. Earl's abuse has made you question your feelings for everything and everyone, hasn't it?”

Seth leaned forward until his forehead rested against hers. “What I feel for you isn't gratitude. After all that happened with Arie, I know the difference between love and infatuation, and I love you, Grace.
You.
”

Tears slipped out before she could stop them. “I love you, too. I'm sorry.”

“Then marry me.”

“Seth, you have to understand—the nightmares, my past, all of this with Roy. It might not be over.” She moaned softly. “It might never go away com
pletely. The insecurity, the doubts. I'm determined to accept that it happened and move on, but it isn't going to happen overnight—it may take years and who knows if I'll ever let go completely.

“I don't care. Things like this aren't meant to be dealt with alone. You trusted me enough to tell me, now trust me enough to help you. With your determination and my stubbornness, we'll make it, Grace.” His nose brushed hers in a near kiss. “We'll weather it together.”

Hope soared through her, but so did fear. “Are you sure you're not simply trying to get a free therapist?”

He pressed a kiss to her mouth, sweet, lingering. “You'll get all the fringe benefits.”

“And those are?”

“Depends. Is that a yes?”

She paused, drawing out the moment until Seth's gaze narrowed and he kissed her again as though
that
were punishment. She laughed softly, happier than she'd ever been in her life.

“Yes,” she murmured, her lips firm against his. “I'll be your…therapist.”