More Than Famous (Famous #2) (24 page)

"Brook, tell me how you feel when I touch you." I was begging against her skin, searching for a way to stop aching.

"Cade... you melt me. I never want anyone else to touch me. Oh my God..." My mouth moved up her neck to her mouth and across her cheek. I tasted her salty tears on my tongue and my arms tightened around her as I buried my face in her hair and gave way to my own tears. The pain in my chest constricted my lungs as I gasped against her skin. I knew I had to stop. I couldn't make love to her when she thought I could betray her like that.

I don’t know how I found the strength to pull from her and move to the side of the bed. She rolled to her side and reached for me. My hand twined through her fingers, and my throat thickened as I struggled to find my voice. I was still fighting for breath.

"I thought we were going to talk everything through. Didn't we promise each other that? And still I sit here not knowing when or where I supposedly shagged Wendy."

She raised her face up to look at me. I could barely stand the tortured look on her face.

"I'm sorry I closed off but I wasn't strong enough to talk about it. Even now, I want to forget it ever happened. I just wanted you back. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare and... find that you... still love me." Her breaths were coming in hiccupping gasps.

I put my free hand to my head as I leaned down over my lap. I couldn't let go of her, but I couldn't take a hold of her either. The tears fell from my eyes unheeded. I knew that she loved me desperately, but in this moment, it wasn't enough.

"I'll always love you, Brook. I can't even keep breathing if I don't love you, but what is killing me is that you don't trust me. I have missed you so much I thought I would die if we didn't fix this. Literally die. And right now, I want you so bloody much, my entire body is vibrating with it... but, I can't do it."

I needed her, wanted to feel her love flood through me. I used our laced hands to pull her onto my lap and we resumed the heavy kissing, my hands moving over her body and my mind screamed at how perfect she fit under my hands, how velvet soft she was, and how desperately she was responding to every touch.

My chest was still aching as I once again pulled my mouth from hers. "This is us, Brook... this is
US
! No one else. Jesus, don’t you feel me, like I feel you?"

"Cade... don't... don't pull away from me." She was trying to bring me closer to her again.

"Do you feel me Brook?" I whispered against her mouth. I let myself feel her, taste her, smell her scent. "Because I
feel
you; on my skin, in my mouth, in my heart and soul.
Only you
.”

"I feel you, Cade. I love you."

With my heart breaking, I pushed her from me and stood up from the bed. My body was shaking so bad I thought I'd fall to the floor.

"Do you? If you bloody did, you'd believe that these feelings, this intensity that we have between us, is only US. You'd trust that I can
never fucking touch
another woman again after you! It's impossible." My voice was raspy and harsh as it ripped from my chest. I put both of my fists over my eyes as I struggled with the emotions welling within me.

"I just... fucking can't." I was struggling to breathe as a sob rose in my chest. "I love you so much it's killing me. You have to know that, Brook. But I can't touch you when you think I am capable of touching someone else the way I touch you."

She was on the bed, the sobs violently racking her small frame. "Don't go, Cade. I don't think it's the same. I know... I know it was just a mistake. It's a mis—a mistake."

I was dying, but all I knew was that I had to get out of there before I gave into the want, the need and the desperation I felt for the beautiful woman begging me to stay. It would be wrong to take her when we had this bullshit looming between us.

Jesus, give me strength
, I begged silently.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't love you this much anymore; not if you don't trust me. It's bloody killing me!"

I turned to leave and found myself stopping before I got to the door, the pull I felt toward her like gravity when she spoke.

"Oh God, Cade, don't do this. Don't leave me now."

I took one more breath and left the room. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and after the door closed behind me, I leaned back against it and closed my eyes. Once again I was on the opposite side of a door from Brook and I could hear her sobbing desperately on the other side of it... but this time, I was the one who was walking away. I barely had the strength, and I felt like I was killing myself by leaving her. Maybe I was.

I knew I'd never be able to leave her for good because my heart was exploding inside my chest as I walked back to my room. I was so fucking weak where she was concerned, but I had to figure this shit out. I had to find the answers so I could ease the pain in both of our hearts.

I WAS HAVING
a nervous breakdown.  The two weeks since my argument with Cade in Tokyo had been so hard. I knew I’d have to deal with working with him, being in love with him and also seeing him every day with all this crap between us, and it was weighing heavily on me. 

The way he'd walked out on me left me devastated.  I had been crying every day since, despite my resolve to move past it.  I felt helpless, out of control and certainly not like myself.  How did this happen?  I felt disgusted with myself that I couldn't push the pain away.

I'd called my manager and lawyer and begged them to get me out of the movie, which was totally uncharacteristic of me.  Normal-Brook would tell everyone to go fuck themselves, and go about my business. I'd do the film and not care one whit for any of them, none of their actions or thoughts mattering to me at all. 

Normal-Brook... where was she when I needed her?

While Joel was matter of fact and business like, telling me to man up and deal, Jeanne was more understanding.  She was going to fly with me up to Vancouver so that we could talk on the way and also try to make sure I wasn't in the same hotel as Cade and the rest of the cast.

I decided that this wasn't going to be like the last film.  This time, I was going to keep to myself, do my job and that was it. No socializing or letting myself get so involved again.

Isolation would be my salvation during the next few weeks. My chest tightened and tears pricked at the back of my eyes. 

Dear God, I'm not strong enough to do this. 
To see him, have to kiss him, and be with him every day on set—I didn't think I had the strength.  Despite the strength I had in most aspects of my life, I had none to resist Cade's pull on my heart; that traitorous heart that thumped so painfully inside my chest.

I had one other thing that had to be done; I needed to return the engagement ring and the bracelet.

I started to shake as my hand ran lightly over the boxes. I hadn't worn either one for the past three months.  Sometimes in my weaker moments I did allow myself to look at them, but not very often.  My hands trembling, I took them from my drawer for what would be the last time and placed them in my purse.  I had to take them with me to Vancouver so I could give them back to Cade, and then it would be over. 

My heart dropped at the thought of the day we'd said goodbye after
The Future of Our Past
wrapped when he'd given me the bracelet.  I sighed but it hurt as the air filled my lungs.  And what about the beautiful weekend last July we spent in San Diego where he'd given me the ring?  It had been so perfect. I longed for those times.  They were some of the most beautiful moments of my life.

The loss I felt brought such unspeakable grief that it ripped at my chest until I couldn't breathe.  Hot tears rained unchecked down my cheeks as I packed my bags and threw my script in the suitcase. 

I wanted to fall to my knees, collapse, and scream at the injustice of it all. How could Cade fuck Wendy and then lie to me on top of it?   How could he say it didn't happen when I'd seen her there with my own eyes?  I mean, how would he have felt if David had answered my door without any clothes on?  Even in the face of my willingness to forgive it, he still denied the entire fucking thing.

I felt so incredibly stupid and so angry at myself because I let myself be so open and vulnerable. I trusted myself, and my feelings.   I never believed in a million years that Cade would ever do that to me. 

David; yes. Not Cade. 

Maybe that's what made it so brutal.  I'd trusted him beyond anything, but there she was, naked on his doorstep. And now, I couldn't even trust myself.

"Hmmph..." I sucked in a shaky breath, fighting a full-blown sob from breaking from my chest.

I still missed him so much.  Missed him despite everything.  Needed him despite everything.  Loved him despite everything.  I felt so fucking weak.  If I'd never known hell before, this was it. 

I’d used the time since Tokyo to center myself, to resign myself to the fact that it was over, and to convince myself repeatedly that I didn't care. I'd been trying to find the strength I knew I was going to need in the next months. 

Yeah, right.   What a joke. 
Brook is so strong
; everyone thinks I'm made of iron, and I can handle everything and anything.  Yeah, I was tough most of the time, but not when it came to Cade.  He was capable of taking me to heaven or sending me to hell and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I didn't like being so out of control. It wasn't me. This was just another thing resonating from the script. My head fell back and I tried to breathe for a few seconds before woodenly resuming packing.

My hands were shaking as I gathered my things.   It still cut to the bone; pain worse than I had ever imagined possible.  As much as I tried to hate him, I remembered everything wonderful about him; so many beautiful times that we'd spent together and they far outweighed the bad.  We'd always taken such good care of each other and he was my closest friend.  That's what scared the shit out of me.  I still needed him so much.

After he'd texted me from the Red Carpet of the Oscar's telling me we could talk in Tokyo, I wanted to believe, needed to believe that we could at least be friends.  It felt good to see him, to talk to him and when he held me close and kissed me, I swear I lost myself again.  He felt so good and all I wanted was to hold him close forever, no matter what happened. 

Jesus, the desire and love that overwhelmed both of us in Tokyo was amazing until it fell apart when he insisted on talking about Wendy. Everything was so bittersweet.

I threw a couple of shirts carelessly into my open suitcase. What was going to happen now? I didn't know if we were going to be able to get back to any sort of comfortable relationship like we had during the first film.  Based on what had happened on New Year’s Eve, and then in Tokyo, I just didn't know if I was strong enough.

I felt myself breaking.  After two weeks of being stoic and burying all of my feelings deep down, the dam had finally burst.

I sat down on my bed and bent over with my head in my hands as the sobs I'd been fighting, finally overtook me.

 If
I cry enough now, maybe I'll be able to hold it together for the next four months.

 There was a soft knock on the door.

"Brook?"  My mother cracked the door.  "Honey, are you okay?" She looked at me with worry on her face.

"No." My shoulders were shaking in pain as I fell over and buried my face on the pillow.  "Oh, God, Mom.  I'm
never
going to be okay again.  I just," I gasped, "want to die!" I sobbed.  "I can't go back to being his friend, I can't stop loving him, I'm so mad at him, but I can't breathe without him and it hurts
so much
. I just can't fucking make this movie now."

She lay down on the bed and gathered me in her arms as I cried and cried.  "Baby, I thought some of this had passed." Her voice was soft as she stroked my hair over and over.

"I tried," I gasped. "I tried so hard." She handed me a tissue and I sat up, trying to dry my tears and to blow my nose. "In Japan last month, I tried to be his friend, telling myself that we meant more to each other than one stupid mistake, that I needed him in my life, more than I needed him to love me. That being his friend was better than being... nothing." My head pounded so bad I could feel my heart beating in my temples. My hand clutched at my hair as I looked at her.