“I’ve never see it so busy,” said Jake, snagging her around the waist and pulling her between his legs, where he sat on the stool.
Jake had come by the bar every night, after work they’d go up to her apartment, get Rosie then go to his place and make love half the night with Rosie snoring in the living room.
He’d been burning the candle at both ends for her and in a way she should feel guilty, but she didn’t. She wanted to take advantage of what little time they had together. She was a selfish woman.
“I don’t think busy is the right word. Crazy fits better.” She settled her head on his shoulder, letting her body rest against his as she yawned.
All she could think about right now was falling into bed. Preferably Jake’s bed. She had to admit, things were moving a little fast. More and more of her clothing and personal items were ending up at his apartment. When this affair ended, she’d have to move all her things back home. The thought depressed her. And another yawn escaped.
“Tired?” His fingers rubbed her lower back.
“Yes. Mmm, that feels so good.” She rested more against him. “Thanks for helping out.” She couldn’t say who was more surprised when Jake stepped behind the bar and started serving drinks. Her, Carla or Angelo. Of course, Angelo teased Jake every time he came into the bar.
“You were drowning along with everyone else.”
“Carla mentioned something about a couple of conferences being in town.” She closed her eyes as his fingers worked their magic on her back muscles.
“Well next time we’ll tell them to come ten at a time, not a few hundred at once.”
She let out another yawn.
“Tonight you will get some sleep. You’re exhausted. I’ll give you a nice massage, tuck you into bed and let you get some quality sleep.” He urged her away from him.
“Sounds lovely.” She gazed into a face she was coming to love. “Let’s grab Rosie and go.”
“Why don’t we camp out at your place tonight?”
“My place doesn’t have that massage thingy.”
Jake laughed. “I think your bed will do in a pinch as a substitute for my massage table.”
“Naw. Your place.”
“Why? Did a roommate move in when I wasn’t looking?”
“Just me and Rosie, besides my place is a mess.”
“I don’t care. Why don’t we go upstairs, feed Rosie and then find your bed.”
Everything inside her froze. “My bed?”
“Yes, your bed.” He brushed a finger down her nose. “I bet it’s a nice comfy bed.”
“It’s only a double.” He wanted to sleep in her bed, in her apartment? For most women this wouldn’t be an issue, but for her it meant giving up her sanctuary. No man had shared her bed or bedroom with her, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to have Jake there. Oh, he’d been in her apartment, but never past the living room.
“We can make due with a double.”
Beth shook her head. “Look, I’m tired. Why don’t we both go to our respective homes and get some sleep.”
His eyes turned cold and she shivered. “What am I missing here?”
“Nothing.” She lowered her gaze, unable to look at him anymore.
“Are we, or are we not, having a relationship?”
She winced at the anger in his tone, not that she blamed him. His fingers tightened on her shoulders as if he wanted to shake her.
“What is it, Beth?” he asked. “Why is it that after spending the last week in my bed, in my arms, tonight you want to be alone?”
“I don’t want to be alone,” she whispered. She wanted to be in his arms. He made her feel safe and secure, a feeling she hadn’t had much in her life. But she feared it was a fleeting type of security.
He released her and drew a hand through his hair. “Then what’s the big deal about me sleeping in your bed?”
I’ll lose myself completely to you if I allow you into my bed.
But she couldn’t voice the fear. “Yours is much more comfortable.” His eyes narrowed and by the shaking of his head, he wasn’t buying a word she said. “Can’t we talk about this in the morning after we’ve had a good night’s sleep?”
“Will anything change in the morning?” He scrubbed his hands down his face. “We’ve been as intimate as two people can get, yet you won’t let me spend the night with you, in your apartment.”
“I don’t let men stay at my apartment.” The words slipped out before she could stop them.
“I’m not any man. I’m
your
man.”
“If I believed that of every man who asked me out, then I sure as hell would have had more lovers. Besides who says in three weeks you won’t walk out my door?”
His body stiffened. Why couldn’t she keep her mouth shut?
His fingers cupped her chin and he lifted her face until she looked at him. “It seems to me you don’t want me around.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“Do I?” His gaze connected with hers, his green eyes a blaze rather than frozen. “Some guy has soured you on all of us. I don’t know what happened. I’ll listen to you any time you want to talk about it, but I won’t pay for his mistakes.”
“You’re not.” Damn, she wasn’t ready for this conversation, especially when she was so tired she wasn’t censoring her words.
But Jake continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “I don’t know why you feel you need to keep a part of yourself hidden from me, but I’m tired of it. I want a relationship, and that means two-way communication. I need something in return, emotionally.” He let go of her chin and turned away. “You know how to reach me. I’ll be waiting for you.”
Her back stiffened as she watched him storm out of the restaurant. Oh yes, after a single week the fantasy was over. Jake walked out of her life, just like every other man she’d known.
Crap. Beth rubbed her tired eyes. She wasn’t being fair to Jake or herself. She was the one pushing him away, he wasn’t running away. Great, she really screwed this one up and it hurt. Really hurt. And it was her own fault.
Taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly. She’d survived before and she would do so again. Tears filled her eyes. Calling out a good-bye to Angelo, she stumbled out the door and up the stairs to her apartment. Once she was inside, she sank to the floor and started to cry. Oh, yes, she’d survive what she had done, but only after a good cry.
Chapter Nine
“Why don’t you call him?” asked Carla seven days later.
“What?” Beth turned from where she was checking inventory. Tomorrow she needed to place the order to restock the bar and she needed to concentrate.
“Quit moping around and call Jake.”
“I’m not moping.” She made a note that they needed vodka again.
“You’re a coward.”
She spun around, almost toppling two bottles of red wine. “I am not. I don’t want to talk to him.” With a sniff, she turned back and counted the bourbon, whiskey, champagne and Chambord bottles.
Chambord. She would always associate the drink with Jake. She closed her eyes and remembered the way he made it for her their first night together. And again when he came into the bar the first time and ordered it from her.
Enough!
She opened her eyes and marched out of the stock room and to the bar. Of course, Carla followed her. Grabbing the stacks of clean glasses, she began to put them away.
“I take it you two have been talking about Jake again,” said Angelo, sitting down on one of the stools.
Beth set the glass down on the bar top with deliberate care. “I know you two mean well, but you have no idea of what is going on, and I’d appreciate it if you’d just stay out of it.”
“Can’t do that.” Angelo tilted his head and stared at her.
“It’s obvious you’re not sleeping,” said Carla, putting the liquor bottles back where they belonged.
“So, I’ve had a few restless nights.” A few? Who was she kidding? She hadn’t slept through the night since Jake left.
She missed him, his warm body next to hers. The beating of his heart beneath her ear, the way his arms would tighten around her in the middle of the night, how he’d steal her pillow because he pushed his off on the floor.
“All because you won’t call him,” said Angelo, bringing Beth back to the present.
“She’s being a coward,” said Carla.
“That’s enough, Carla.” Beth turned to her friend. “For the last time, I’m not a coward.”
“No?” Carla put her hands on her hips. “You’re giving up a handsome, rich, sexy guy who’s crazy about you because you’re afraid you’re like your mother.” Now Carla’s hands were moving as quickly as her words. “Let me tell you something, you’re nothing like your mother. She had that market covered. But you’re acting like a damn idiot. As your friend, I have to point this out to you. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy like Jake?”
“Any guy like him, trust me I’ve looked. Listen to Carla,” said Angelo.
“You don’t understand.” Beth dropped the now empty plastic glass container on the floor.
“Honey, rich or poor, it doesn’t matter if you won’t let him get close to you.” Carla reached out and touched Beth’s hand.
“I can’t.” Beth squeezed her eyes shut.
“Why?” Carla’s hold tightened on her hands.
Beth shook her head. Carla knew a little about her background. But, Carla had grown up in a loving secure family and couldn’t possibly understand the demons plaguing Beth. No one could understand what she’d endured with her mother and her lovers. The safety and security that only lasted a month or two, only to be ripped away. Fear pulsed through her veins. Pulling away from Carla’s touch, Beth stepped back.
“Why don’t you two go home? I’ll mop up tonight.” She needed some time alone.
“I’m out of here.” Angelo jumped off the stool.
A small grin tugged at Beth’s lips, Angelo hated mopping, and tonight she didn’t mind, it wasn’t like she had anyone waiting for her.
“I know you want me to leave you alone,” said Carla.
“It would be nice.”
“Not a chance.” Carla laughed. “But for tonight I will, just think about this while you’re cleaning up. Think about what you want in life because if you don’t, you’ll end up all alone. I really don’t believe you want to be alone your entire life.”
Carla marched away and Beth sighed, before going in search of the mop and bucket. Once she found it, she began the boring job of cleaning floors. But this was what she needed.
Lord, she missed Jake. Every night she’d climb the stairs to her apartment and open her door, Rosie would be sitting there her entire body wagging, until she saw Beth was alone. Then Rosie would stop and she’d look at Beth with those big brown eyes, questioning where Jake was.
Not that Beth blamed her dog for missing Jake one bit. It didn’t matter that he’d only been in their lives a short time and he’d made one hell of an impression on her and her dog. Another small smile tugged at her lips.
Jake would sneak Rosie pieces of bacon or sausage from his breakfast each morning. And he would give Rosie extra doggie treats for being a good dog, after they made love in the bedroom.
Back and forth, she swished the mop as Jake continued to fill her thoughts. His dark hair blowing in the wind when they strolled along Fisherman’s Wharf hand in hand, his laugher when Rosie would pounce on his stomach early in the morning. The way his green eyes would darken with desire every time he looked at her.
Water splashed the back of her hand and she realized she was crying. Grinding her teeth together, she wiped her tears away. She’d promised herself never to cry over a man again, but she couldn’t seem to help it. Finishing the mopping, she slipped out the back door, locking it behind her, then climbed the stairs to her apartment.
“Hi, baby,” she said when Rosie greeted her at the door. Picking up the brown and tan bundle of fluff, she buried her face in the dog’s soft fur.
“I have a good life, my own apartment and you, Rosie. That’s all I need.” Then why did she feel so alone? Adrift in the ocean without a chance of being rescued?
Kicking off her shoes, she sat Rosie down and stomped into her kitchen. “I have good friends, even when they push me. And if I need a date, I can always ask Angelo. He’d do anything for me.”
Rosie barked once as Beth pulled out a frying pan. “Right, you don’t have to sleep with a man to have a good time with him.”
Sauntering over to the refrigerator, she opened the door. “Who says sex is the be all and end all?” She grabbed cheese and butter then went back to the stove. Rosie sat staring at her with her head cocked to the side.
“And when was the last time you got laid, Miss Rosie?” Pulling out the bread, she began to butter some.
“You don’t remember my mother, Rosie. You weren’t around and don’t know what it was like living with her.” Placing one piece of bread in the frying pan, she added cheese and put the other piece of bread on top.
“I’m not going to be like her. I know you think I’m crazy, I know you think Jake is the one for me, but I’ve seen the best come and go countless times. You understand, don’t you Rosie?” Yet, part of her knew Jake wasn’t like the men her mother brought home or lived with.
Rosie barked two times and Beth broke up a piece of cheese and fed it to her dog. More memories began to surface.
“I can still see mom in a beautiful sapphire velvet dress she wore the night she took me to the ballet. She was so happy, and then the next day we were out on the streets again.” Her chest tightened. “God, how I hated when mom cried.”
Her mother had tried to hide her tears but it never worked. On their way to a homeless shelter, they’d stopped at a consignment shop. Beth watched her mother turn the dress over to them and the bleakness that overcame her mother when they handed her the money.
“I can’t do it Rosie.” Turning off the stove, Beth placed her grilled cheese sandwich on a plate and carried it into the living room, flopping down on her sofa. “What happens if I start relying on Jake and then one day he’s gone?
She swore to herself never to be at a man’s mercy. Breaking off a piece of the sandwich, she made sure it was cool enough before she fed it to Rosie.
“I won’t be at a man’s mercy, but…” She rubbed her forehead. “Listen to me. I sound like a nutcase. People date all the time and don’t end up begging for change on Powell Street. Dating Jake doesn’t mean I have to give up my apartment. I don’t have to live with Jake. I don’t have to live above what I can pay for. There’s no reason I can’t act like a modern woman.” But she’d never let a man into her bed before. It was always their bed, not hers.