More to Us (38 page)

I know what that feels like because I just did it myself. Growing up, I always told myself I'd play music for a living. I thought I'd be famous. Make records. Go on tour. As I got older, I realized it probably wouldn't happen, but until I talked to Paul that day, there was a part of me that still wanted that dream. Now I've let it go, but it wasn't easy. And I know it's a lot harder for Kira because she was much closer to realizing her dream than I ever was. She made it to nationals, which is just a step away from the Olympics.

"You're still a gymnast, Kira," I say when her crying slows. "You always will be."

"I'm not if I'm no longer competing."

I pause, then say, "So if I quit the band, am I not a musician?"

She lifts her head and looks at me. "What?"

"If I quit playing in a band, am I not a musician?"

She thinks for a moment. "No. You're still a musician."

"Why?"

"Because you know how to play the guitar."

"And you know how to do gymnastics. No one can ever take that away from you." I cup the side of her face and look her in the eye. "You'll always be a gymnast, even if you never compete again."

"But I didn't—"

"Stop focusing on what you didn't do, and focus on what you DID do. You made it to nationals. Fucking nationals. Do you know how impressive that is?"

She smiles, as more tears fall down her cheeks. "Pretty impressive."

"Shit yeah. Most gymnasts never make it that far. But you did."

She nods.

"When you were a kid, did you ever think you'd make it to nationals?"

"Not really. I told everyone I would but deep-down, I didn't think I could do it."

"But you did. You were there. You did it. You achieved your dream."

"I didn't win."

"You don't have to win. Not every dream has to end exactly how you imagined it would. Dreams can change. Am I a rock star living in a mansion in LA?"

She laughs a little. "No."

"Then if I go by your standards, I should be pretty damn depressed right now. Because that was my dream when I was ten. I wanted to be a famous guitarist, living in a mansion in LA. But instead I'm working construction in Chicago."

"You still play music."

"Yeah. I do. But I'm not famous. Or rich. And I'm okay with that. My dream changed."

"To what? What's your dream now?"

"To keep doing what I'm doing. Working construction during the day and playing music at night. I like my life. I wouldn't change it. Even if I was able to be a rich and famous musician, I don't think I'd like that life. It's just not me. I like what I'm doing now. I like living here. I like being close to my family. Some people would say I'm giving up on my dream, but that's bullshit. I've just changed my dream, because I know what I want. But I couldn't figure that out until I stopped chasing after something that was never going to happen. Something that wasn't right for me but that I held onto because I thought letting it go was giving up. But it's not giving up, Kira. It's not."

She sniffles. "I don't know what I am without gymnastics."

"I thought the same thing with my music. For years I let it define me. But now I realize I'm more than that. And so are you. You're more than a gymnast. You have other talents. Other interests. You can still love gymnastics and I can still love music but that doesn't have to be all there is. There's more to us than that. A lot more."

"I can't imagine my future without gymnastics."

"But you'll figure it out. Once you let go of this need to compete again, you'll see all these other possibilities you wouldn't let yourself see before."

"Like what?"

"Like what you want to major in. What you want to do with your life. There are so many possibilities, Kira. You just have to let yourself see them, and when you do, you'll be able to figure out what you want to do with your life. You'll come up with a new dream."

"I don't know what that would be. I don't even have a clue."

I smile. "You could dream of marrying Austin Wheeler someday."

"What?" she asks, sounding both shocked and confused.

I shrug. "I know. A lot of girls have that dream so it's kind of a stretch, but you've gotten closer to it than anyone else, so you never know. It could happen."

She laughs. "Okay. I'll add that to my dream list, but for way off in the future."

"Agreed." I kiss her cheek.

She looks at me, her face serious now. "I love you." She glances down. "I know I shouldn't say that because we're not dating but—"

"Hey." I lift her chin up and our eyes meet. "I love you too. Dating or not, I still love you."

"Do you think we'll ever be a couple again?"

"I still think of you as my girlfriend, if that answers your question."

"Then can we try again? Because I miss you. I miss you so much. And not just as a friend. I miss
us
. I miss being able to hug you and kiss you and sleep next to you. I want to be able to do those things again. I know I hurt you and lied to you, but if you could just give me a chance..."

"Yes." I smile at her.

"Yes, what?"

"Let's do it. Let's get back together."

Her eyes widen. "Really?"

"Yeah, but the deal still stands. You can't go back to killing yourself at the gym."

"I won't." She smiles. "I have a new dream. One that'll take some time to achieve."

"What is it?"

"You'll just have to wait and see."

Does she mean marrying me? If so, she's right. That'll take some time. I'm not ready for marriage. But I
am
ready for a girlfriend, as long as that girl is Kira.

She reaches up and gives me a kiss, then lingers at my lips. "I've been wanting to do that for so long."

"Is there anything else you've been wanting to do?" I lay her down on the bed.

She just smiles.

And I make love to my girlfriend. Because that's who she is, and has always been, even when we were apart.

I was never able to let her go. My heart wouldn't let me. Because as the saying goes, the heart knows what it wants.

Two Weeks Later

Austin

"You guys want something to eat?" Dylan yells from the kitchen.

"No, we're good," I yell back. Then I kiss my girlfriend, because she's hot, and I love her, and I have to make up for weeks of not kissing her.

"You two ever take a break?" I hear Dylan ask.

"Sorry," Kira says, noticing Dylan is back in the living room. She tries to move off my lap onto the couch, but I keep hold of her. I like her on my lap.

"Don't apologize to him," I say. "You know how many times I've had to watch him make out with a girl?"

"What the fuck you talking about?" Dylan asks, sinking into the recliner that's next to the couch. "I always take that shit back to my room."

"Yeah, when you're sober. When you're drunk you do it wherever the hell you please."

He chuckles. "That's probably true. I don't remember half the shit I do when I'm drunk."

Kira lays her head on my shoulder and I kiss her head. "You tired?"

"A little." She yawns.

"Let's go back to my place." It's awesome to be able to say that.
My place.
I finally have my own place where I can be alone with my girlfriend.

"You sure you don't want to stay?" Dylan asks. "I could order us a pizza."

Dylan wants us to stay because he's lonely. Van went out of town this weekend and Dylan's not used to hanging out by himself. He could call up Allison for some company, although I think he's getting tired of her. She hasn't been hanging around here as much.

"It's late," I tell him. "I think we're gonna go."

"Or we could stay," Kira says, noticing how down Dylan looks. He needs to find a new girl. One who wants him for more than just sex.

"That's okay," he says. "It's after midnight and I know you guys want to get home. And if you stay here much longer, you'll end up having sex on my couch."

"Like that hasn't been done before?" I say.

"Yeah, I know." He laughs. "I think Van did it where you're sitting."

"Shit, are you serious?" I quickly move over, taking Kira with me.

He laughs again. "I'm just messing with you. Although I wouldn't be surprised if he did." He gets up. "I'm gonna grab a beer. You sure you don't want anything?"

"No, we need to get going," I say as he walks in the kitchen. I give Kira a kiss. "Let's get out of here."

"I think we should stay." She lowers her voice. "We shouldn't leave Dylan like this. He seems really down, almost depressed."

"That's because he didn't get the internship he wanted. He found out yesterday and now he has to start looking for a new one."

"I think it's more than that." She glances back at the kitchen. "Has he said anything about Amber?"

"No. He hasn't even mentioned her since he found out she was here in Chicago."

"Don't you think that's kind of strange?"

"No. Why?"

"Because you'd think he'd want to talk about it. He searched for her for months and then finds out she's just a few miles away and he has nothing to say about it?"

I shrug. "He's a guy. We don't talk about that shit."

"
You
do."

"Not with other guys."

"I bet you do." She sits up straight. "I know for a fact you talked about me with your brothers when we were broken up."

I pull her face back down to mine and kiss her. "Actually you
don't
know because you weren't there."

"I still think you did. And I think you and your guy friends talk about your girl problems."

"Maybe," I say so close that my lips brush against hers. "But I'll never tell. It's guy code. I can't break the code." I kiss her.

She pulls away. "Just tell me. Has he talked about Amber or not?"

I sigh. "No. Now can we stop talking about those two?" Her body relaxes against mine as I kiss her again.

I love kissing her. And doing other things with her, which is why we need to leave so we can do those other things. We've done it a lot since we got back together but it's still not enough. Being without each other all those weeks built up a need that'll take a while to be satisfied. We can't get enough of each other. We've pretty much spent every free moment we have together since the day I found her crying on her bed, realizing her gymnastics career is over.

Since then, she's gradually been feeling better. She's still grieving the loss of that part of her life, but the fact that she's accepted it's over has allowed her to imagine a different future. Before, she never even let herself consider doing anything but gymnastics, but letting go of it has allowed her to see that there are so many other things she could do.

At first I was worried she'd fall back into old habits, wanting to train again. That day I went to see her two weeks ago, she was so unsure about the future that I thought she might go back to the safety of her past, to gymnastics, which is all she knows. But after a lot of late night talks, along with constant encouragement from Amber and me, Kira is moving on and actually getting excited about a future without gymnastics.

She's thinking of majoring in exercise science and being a personal trainer someday, or maybe coaching gymnastics. She's not sure about the coaching yet. It might be too hard for her to watch other girls train and compete, but she's still considering it because she loves the sport and would like for it to still be part of her life.

"I really want to take you home," I whisper in her ear, then I kiss the spot on her neck that I know drives her wild. The past few weeks, I've made it my own personal mission to locate all the places on her body that bring her pleasure.

"Austin, stop," she whispers, smiling. "You know what that does to me."

"That's why I did it." I kiss her. "Now can we get the hell out of here?"

She bites her lip. "I feel bad leaving him. He really wants us to stay."

"He's a big boy. He'll be fine."

Dylan returns holding a bottle of beer. "You guys can go. Allison just called. She's coming over."

A booty call. Typical Allison. That's all she ever wants from him. I'm getting tired of this. I know Dylan wants more than just sex. He'll take it because she's offering, but he's more of a girlfriend type of guy than someone who just wants a one-night stand. In fact, that one-night stand he had with Amber is the only one he's ever had, but he's only admitted that to Van and me. Everyone else assumes he does that all the time.

There's a knock on the door.

"Shit, that was fast," Dylan says, walking to the door.

"We should go," Kira says quietly to me.

"Yeah." I help her off my lap, then stand up beside her.

"Anyone there?" I hear Dylan ask. I look up and see him closing the door, holding an envelope. "That's weird."