Mr Gum and the Goblins (7 page)

‘Get back, you monsters!' he warned, doing a mime as if he was holding a mighty sword after all. ‘Or taste the blade of my legendary invisible broadsword,
TRANSPARENT-O
, which has slain many, many goblins and trolls. And an elk.'

The goblins hissed and started to back off. But not Captain Ankles. He wasn't fooled for a moment.

‘Invisiball sword not reall!' he said. ‘Old bloke jusst pretennding! Look, he jusst miming!'

And then the travellers were done for. The goblins advanced again and this time there was no stopping them.

They threw Polly and Friday into a great big sack and tied it up with dirty magic string you can't escape from unless you're Harry Potter. Then they lifted the sack above their gruesome heads and back up the mountain they started, hooting and shouting to wake the dead.

From beneath the bush, the little rabbit watched the whole terrible scene.
I will never forget that brave girl who carried me to safety,
its bright green eyes seemed to say.
Well, I might. But I'll try really hard not to.

‘Polly,' whispered Friday hopefully as they were bumped and bundled along in the sack. ‘Are you Harry Potter?'

‘No,' said Polly. ‘I'm Polly.'

‘That's what I thought,' said Friday gloomily.

‘Can you reach the Horn?' said Polly. ‘I thinks this might be a good time to summon the Spirit of the Rainbow.'

But try as he might, Friday couldn't reach it, and with their last hope gone, the prisoners fell silent, each fearing the worst. And on the goblins marched. On and on and on, all night long they marched. Until, by the time they finally
reached Goblin Cave, a grey dawn was breaking over the mountain and the crows cawed mournfully in the bare trees.

‘Helllo! Gobbblin King! We catched the meddlers!'
Captain Ankles called out.

‘Shut up!' came a familiar voice. ‘I'm tryin' to watch “Bag of Sticks”!'

There's somethin' familiar 'bout that familiar voice,
thought Polly, but in all the commotion as she and Friday were carried
through the cave, she couldn't work out what.

‘HALT!'
she heard Captain Ankles say, and then Oink Balloon ripped open the sack with his claws, and the travellers were face to face with the Goblin King himself.

‘You flippin' hasslers,' spat the Goblin King, coming so close that Polly could smell his meaty old breath. ‘Don't you know I'm the best cos I'm so powerful an' handsome?' And suddenly, Polly realised the dreadful truth.

Fry me in vegetable oil an' call me a giant bag of crisps!
she thought to herself.
The Goblin King is Mr Gum! Oh, and there's Billy William, he's probbly callin' himself the Burger Wizard or somethin', I 'spect.

‘W
ell, well, well,' said Mr Gum. The emerald in his beard glinted and shone as if somehow laughing at them, and the goblins chanted
‘SHINY FING! SHINY FING! SHINY FING!'
until Polly felt she was in a nightmare – but
she knew nightmares didn't smell so bad, so it must be real.

‘Here am I,' spat Mr Gum, ‘mindin' me own business an' just bein' a flippin' Goblin King like nature intended – an' you two have to come an' spoil all me good work!'

‘You calls duffin' up Mrs Lovely “good work”?' shot back Polly. ‘Mr Gum, you make me as sick as an alligator. Hey, Friday!' she yelled.
‘Blow that horn – an' make it funky!'

Friday snatched up the Horn of Q'zaal Q'zaal and brought it to his lips.

‘Oh, Spirit of the Rainbow, come to us now,' he pleaded.

And on that horn he did blow.

A long, marmping note flew out into the cave. It went bouncing off the walls, bashed Captain Ankles in the belly and flew out over the mountainside. And down in Lamonic Bibber the townsfolk awoke and their hearts were filled with joy to hear that gorgeous noise. The birds sang, the sun shone and a dead flower on Old Granny's windowsill came back to life and started growing golden pears.

‘Right,' said Friday when the last strains of the glorious note had faded. ‘Any second now, you're going to be absolutely Rainbowed like you've never been Rainbowed before.'

Everyone waited.

Friday checked his watch.

Mr Gum picked his nose.

Someone sneezed.

‘Yup,' said Friday, a little less confidently this time. ‘He'll be here any . . . second . . . now.
Hey!'
he shouted helpfully to the Spirit of the Rainbow, in case he had taken a wrong turn.
‘We're over here! In a cave!'

‘OK,' said Mr Gum eventually. ‘He's obviously not turnin' up. I 'spect he's scared cos he knows I'm simply too powerful, an' I'm excellent at punchin'. So let's just get on wiv things! Mighty Goblin Army!' he cried –

‘Excuse me,' said Friday. ‘Are you about to tell the goblins your plan?'

‘Yeah,' said Mr Gum. ‘So what?'

‘Well, would you mind doing it as a song?' asked Friday. ‘I love songs.'

‘You lunatic!' said Mr Gum, shaking his head in disgust. ‘Your brain's too small for your head, that's your problem, O'Leary!

‘Now, goblins,' he continued. ‘Our hour has finally come. Today we starts down that tunnel
what we bin buildin', I never told you why, but now I'm a-gonna. That tunnel goes right down through this flabberin' mountain, an' guess where it comes out? Lamonic Bibber!'

At this, the goblins shrieked with joy, Polly gasped in horror and Friday did the splits in amazement.

‘So, me little goblin-goblins, the plan is this,' explained Mr Gum. ‘We sneaks down that old tunnel, we bursts out – an' we takes everyone by
surprise! An' before they knows what's what, it ain't Lamonic Bibber no more. It's Goblin City, an' we can run wild an' drink beer all the livelong day!'

‘YEAH!'
screamed the goblins.
‘Gobbblin Citty! Gobbblin Citty!'

‘Sorry but no, Mr Gum!' said Polly. ‘I loves that town an' you'll never turn it into no goblin paradise full of litter an' dog mess everywhere!'

‘Oh, no? What are you gonna do about it?' laughed Mr Gum. And he stretched out his arms and chanted:

Burger Wizard!

Do that thing!

That thing with the burgers!

Goo goo g'joob!

And suddenly the air was full of hamburgers as Billy William did what he liked doing best – throwing bad meat at good people. Golly, his hands were just a blur as he spun those burgers fast and furious like horrid grey frisbees.

‘It's supper time!' he cackled, launching a quarter pounder straight at Polly's knee. ‘Enjoy your meal!'

‘Oh, Mrs Lovely,' said Friday, as he and Polly backed away from the gristly missiles. ‘I know you cannot hear me, but I love you more than a man ever loved a woman. I love you like the sun loves the stars and like swordfishes love swimming through the sea trying to stab things with their sharp faces. I was hoping that one day you'd tell me your first name – but alas, Mrs Lovely, it is not to be. For now I go to my doom and –
A
A
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G
G
H
!'