Mr Gum and the Goblins (4 page)

And there he sat, right in the middle of all that chaos, sprawled on a great throne made from a rusty dentist's chair he'd found on the mountainside one afternoon. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and his long cruel fingers dripped with silver rings he'd stolen off old-age pensioners. And in his big red beard sat a dark green emerald, gleaming nastily. My word, those goblins loved that big fat jewel!
‘SHINY FING!'
they'd cry whenever it caught the light.
‘SHINY
FING! SHINY FING! SHINY FINNNNG!'
All their shouting drove the Goblin King crazy, but he had to put up with it. It was just part of the job.

At the King's side stood his partner in dirt, a shady character known only as Burger Wizard the Third. He wore a robe made from an old sack which said
LOW QUALITY PORK CHOPS
, and he was smoking a pipe full of mud.

‘Fancy a little puff, me old Goblin King?' coughed the Burger Wizard, brandishing the pipe.
‘It's really nice,' he lied through another cough.

‘Get lost, phlegmy,' replied the Goblin King. ‘Where's me supper? I'm starvin' me face off here!'

‘No problem,' said the Burger Wizard, or B.W. for short. He reached into his filthy robe and pulled out a bunch of steaming chicken entrails.

‘Delicious,' growled the Goblin King, swallowing them down whole. ‘Now. I got important Kingy stuff to do.

‘Mighty Goblin Army!' he commanded. ‘Tell
me your news, or I'll give you a Chinese burn!'

At this the Captain of the Goblin Army ran forward, his Lieutenant at his side.

‘News gooood,'
Captain Ankles reported.
‘We attacked oldd womman an' duffed her upp!'

‘Who cares about some stupid old woman?' roared the Goblin King. ‘What I wants to know is how me evil plan's comin' along! You built that tunnel yet?'

‘Nearly finnished!'
squealed the Lieutenant,
whose name was Oink Balloon.
‘One more day diggging, thenn we finally there!'

‘That's more like it,' snorted the Goblin King. ‘Now for a nice long snooze.' He closed his eyes and put his feet up –

‘SHINY FING! SHINY FINNNNG!'
screamed the goblins, pointing at the emerald in his beard and jumping up and down like carrot cakes.

‘Shabba me whiskers,' scowled the King.
‘These creatures is noisy. Whoever thought leadin' a Goblin Army would be such a bother?'

T
he next morning dawned cold and clear in Lamonic Bibber. Martin Launderette was up early to work on his
VERY SECRET INVENTION
when Jonathan Ripples happened to
stroll by. He was eating a very large sandwich filled with smaller sandwiches.

Now, Jonathan Ripples might have been fat – in fact, he definitely was – but he wasn't stupid.

‘Ho, Martin, what's all this?' he asked, pointing towards the strange device. There were tubes and pipes coming off it and a big motor attached to the back and a wide round hole in the front.

‘It's just a washing machine,' said Martin Launderette innocently. ‘I do run a launderette, you know.'

‘But why's it so big?' asked Jonathan Ripples, poking his head in through the round door.

Oh, how Martin Launderette chuckled inside when he heard this. Because the truth was, he wasn't just building any old washing machine. He was building the
Ripple-izer 2000
and when it was ready he was going to shove Jonathan Ripples inside and start it up.

He always acts so high and mighty!
thought Martin.
Well, the
Ripple-izer 2000
will rinse the smile off his fat face once and for all! It won't kill him or anything, because this is a children's book. But it will teach that flabberwhopper a lesson, all right!

‘You're not up to shenanigans, are you?' said Jonathan Ripples, who knew the launderette owner only too well.

‘Who, me?' protested Martin Launderette.
‘Gosh, no. I'm simply building a really big washing machine, that's all. One that you could fit into – but that's just a complete coincidence.'

‘Hmm,' said Jonathan Ripples suspiciously, and off he waddled in all his glorious bulk.

M
eanwhile, over at the Stone Table on the other side of town, there was serious business taking place. Now, the Stone Table was a mysterious and powerful object of Ancient Times, and it stood in a field of long grass,
surrounded by questions and long grass.

How old was it?

Who had built it?

What had it been used for, so long ago?

No one knew the answers, but the best guess came from a famous scientist called Crunchy.

‘I have done careful scientific experiments with a ruler,' declared Crunchy, ‘and I estimate that this Stone Table is over TWENTY YEARS OLD. And I estimate it was built by PEOPLE. And
I estimate it was originally used AS A TABLE. Now I am off to mess around in pyramids and dig up a mummy because that is what scientists do.'

And now, sitting around the Stone Table in the thin December sunshine were Friday, Alan Taylor and Polly, all looking very solemn indeed.

‘Good friends,' began Friday. ‘I have
gathered you here this winter's morn because Father Christmas has been kidnapped by an evil sparrow who wants all the presents for himself! And it is up to us to come to his rescue –'

‘Friday,' sighed Polly. ‘That's just that film we watched last week,
A Very Sparrowy Christmas,
remember?'

‘Not really,' said Friday truthfully. ‘So why
have
I gathered you here this winter's morn?'

‘Because Mrs Lovely got attacked on Goblin
Mountain,' said Alan Taylor. ‘Remember?'

‘Not really,' said Friday truthfully. ‘Now listen, friends. Last night a wise dream came to me and a strange voice spoke unto me and it said:

“Hello, Friday. How are you? I like your hat. Oh, by the way, you must go on a brave quest and sort out those goblins before things get worse.”

‘The voice said I must go up Goblin Mountain,' continued Friday. ‘And I must go armed only with pure thoughts, an honest tongue and a brave heart. Plus a sword in case all that stuff doesn't work. And so, friends, I depart at noon. But I will need to pick one other brave traveller to accompany me on my quest.'

‘Oh, pick me, pick me, please!!' cried Polly.

‘Sorry,' said Friday, shaking his head in a little gesture he'd invented to mean ‘no'.

(Everyone in Lamonic Bibber used his ingenious system – why not try it yourself?)

‘I have decided to take Yellowbeard instead,' said Friday. And he pointed to a thickset dwarf with a bushy black beard who sat by his side, dressed in chain mail and carrying a battleaxe. Until that moment Polly hadn't noticed him there.

‘Yellowbeard?' protested Polly. ‘But Friday, we're a team, you an' me! Together we're the very best at adventures an' suchlike!'

‘Sorry,' said Friday. ‘But Yellowbeard the dwarf it is. And he's my new best friend, by the way.'

Well, just then Alan Taylor gave a little giggle and suddenly Polly realised what was going on.

Hold on,
she thought.
This looks like one of Friday's 'mazin' jokes!

She took a closer look and saw that Yellowbeard was just made out of cardboard. Friday had been up most of the night cutting him out and colouring him in with felt tips.

‘Oh, Frides!' laughed Polly, pushing Yellowbeard over into the snow. ‘You an'
your 'mazin' jokes!'

‘THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE!' laughed Friday affectionately. ‘Of course you're coming with me, Polly!'

‘And I will stay and look after Mrs Lovely,' proclaimed Alan Taylor. ‘I will teach her about the natural world with my collection of wildlife documentaries. I've got a brilliant one about leopards. They are fascinating creatures, and the spots on their fur are known as “spots”.'

‘It is well said, sir,' remarked Friday, taking out his tuba. ‘Now let us all sing a song to bring this great meeting at the Stone Table to an end. I love songs.'

‘Sorry,' said Alan Taylor, looking at his tiny
chocolate wristwatch. ‘No time for singing – we've got to get you two ready.'

And the meeting was done.

The rest of the morning was spent preparing for the quest. Alan Taylor scampered off to buy pies, for he knew the most about baked goods, being one himself. Polly ran to buy thick cloaks, because it would be bitter cold up on Goblin Mountain. And Friday played a computer game down the arcade and got a really high score.

Eventually noon came round, as noon always does. Good old noon, it never lets you down. And it was time for the quest to begin.