The thought made her shiver in anticipation. It had been too long with just his voice. She wanted him to spend the night. To make love to him, to tease him. To wake up with him beside her.
Who would have guessed in a million years she would be so happy with one of Autumn’s gorgeous guys? She’d definitely keep her secret. She didn’t want anything to spoil her bliss.
PAUL DIDN’T KNOW what the hell to do. At first, he hadn’t immediately made the connection. It had slowly dawned on him, after walking through the house to the backyard, exactly where he was. If he’d had any idea Autumn was going to drag him to a family affair, he’d never have agreed. Of course, Autumn suspected as much, but why would she care what he wanted?
He hadn’t seen Gwen. No one had brought up her name. Why hadn’t he known about this party? Gwen hadn’t mentioned it, which seemed odd. Unless she hadn’t come. Yeah, that sounded right. She hadn’t said anything because she’d blown it off. Still, he’d rather have been anywhere else.
Autumn was hanging all over him, showing him off like a prize pony. Most of her family remembered him, and although no one said anything, he sensed they were all relieved to see him with whom they considered the right sister.
What he wanted was to get the hell out of there. Goddamn Autumn. This was insane. All he’d wanted to do was end whatever nonsense they’d had. They’d barely spoken since their last awkward date. She’d sent that tacky Venus for some unknown reason, then left him text messages wondering why he wasn’t calling her. The two times he’d left voice mail for her, she’d ignored him.
Until this.
“You’re in public relations, isn’t that right?”
Paul nodded at Mark, one of the brothers-in-law. His wife, Eve, had asked what he’d like to drink, and although he could have used a shot of whiskey for fortification, he’d declined, wanting to make his exit as simple as possible. He’d call a cab, that’s all. The question was, should he just leave, making up some story, or tell Autumn he was seeing Gwen? Damn. Everything was more awkward now, and while he knew it was important to set the record straight, he didn’t want to embarrass her unnecessarily.
“I’ve used a few PR firms,” Mark said, leading him farther out in the large yard. “I’m in real estate. Commercial, not residential. Mostly, I build shopping centers, the small ones. Doesn’t matter what the home market is, everybody needs someplace to buy coffee and tampons.” He laughed at his joke with a sound that Paul remembered from the party. It had been so loud he’d heard it while the band was at full volume.
Although he was pretty damn sure Gwen wasn’t here, he looked around for her, just in case. Thankfully, he didn’t see her. With her dislike of her family, she’d undoubtedly made up some excuse. He prayed he was right.
“Come on, sweetie, don’t you want a drink? My brother makes a wicked Bloody Mary. Complete with hot sauce and celery stick. I know you’ll love it.” Autumn touched his arm and fluttered her eyelashes.
“I don’t care for tomato juice,” he said, and not for the first time. Gwen knew that about him. She knew a lot more than that, more than maybe anyone ever had. “Is there somewhere we can talk?”
“Sure. Give me a minute, okay? I haven’t seen the birthday girl, and I want to show you off to Bethany and Faith.”
Paul figured it might be best to wait until she had her drink in hand before he spilled the beans. Let her have a minute to say her hellos before he called himself on his cell. He’d learned that trick from a model he’d dated. It was sneaky, but by dialing a certain sequence of numbers, he could make his own phone ring.
He walked with Autumn to the outdoor kitchen space, large by any standard, and tried to keep things polite but distant. It became more and more bewildering that Gwen was a part of this family. All he needed were a couple of cameras for the perfect family TV commercial. They all were exceptionally attractive, even the kids. They all knew just what to wear, how to hold themselves, what shade of hair would catch the light. Autumn was the prettiest of the bunch, but not by much. And wasn’t it interesting that he found her beauty so incredibly empty?
He much preferred Gwen’s honest, lovely face. All the things he’d have ignored such a short time ago captivated him now. She was just so much more. More than surface looks. More than games. More than even sex. It was the depth of her that had gotten to him. Which was nuts. He was the last person on earth who should have seen that.
“You two are a picture.” Autumn’s mother smiled as if it were her daughter’s wedding. “In fact, Frank? Get the camera. I want to preserve this moment on film.”
“Really, don’t bother,” Paul said. “Honestly, I hate taking pictures.”
“That’s such a lie, you big goof.” Autumn grabbed his hand as she took her drink from her brother. “You love to be in the limelight. I just can’t believe you haven’t capitalized on your looks. You could have been a movie star.”
“Except for the fact that I can’t act, I’m sure you’re right.”
Autumn’s laugh sounded flat and fake, yet he’d been entranced by it before. He needed to tell her, and leave.
“Look this way, you two.”
Paul couldn’t think how to get out of it. So he smiled as she snuggled closer. Gave it his PR best.
Five more minutes, then he’d get her inside.
GWEN STOOD by the open sliding-glass door holding a plate of smoked salmon and mini bagels. She didn’t feel the warm breeze or hear the children splashing in the pool. Her gaze was on Paul as he posed for a picture, Autumn draping herself over him like a pampered cat.
It had all been a joke. A trick. It meant nothing. Of course. What had made her think, even for a second, that Paul could love her? That he would choose her?
She turned slowly, needing to put the platter down. Needing to find her purse, get out her keys.
Behind her, she heard his voice calling her name.
She had to get out before she heard that voice ever again. Before he could see that he’d broken her.
He made a mad dash for the door as he ran to catch Gwen. She was already in the car, the door slamming when he reached her. He banged on the hood. “Wait. I can explain.”
She looked at him as if she’d never seen him before, then she turned on the engine and took off. He followed her into the street even though he knew it was useless. He watched her until the car disappeared around the corner, cursing his luck.
“Paul?”
He turned to see Autumn on the front grass, her drink still in her hand, her perfect face marred by signs of confusion. “What’s going on?”
He threw up his hand in the general direction of Gwen’s car, then realized he couldn’t just go. Autumn deserved an explanation. Not that his behavior made it easy. “I was going to tell you,” he said, walking toward her, dreading each step. “I wish we’d had a few private moments before all this, just so I could explain.”
“What were you doing running after Gwen?”
The way she said her sister’s name made things easier. “We’ve been seeing each other.”
Autumn stared at him, her mouth open. “Why?”
“Because I like her. In fact, I think it’s more than that.”
Her mouth opened wider; instead of just confusion there was a little panic in her eyes. Then she laughed. “Oh, wow. For a minute there, I thought you were serious. Jeez, what a dope I am. Come on, let’s get back to the party.”
He put his hand on her arm. “I’m not joking. I should have told you before this, but we never did seem to connect. I’m very fond of Gwen, and if she doesn’t hate me for today, I think she feels the same. At least, I hope so.”
“Now you’re just freaking me out. Stop it. I don’t think it’s very nice of you. Gwen can’t help how she looks.”
“Autumn, I know you don’t know me well. All we ever did was flirt. I’m completely serious. In fact, I need to go after her.” He pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open.
Autumn took a step closer, then another. And slapped him. Hard across the cheek. Just like in the movies, only it hurt like a mother.
“You prick. You like her? You want Gwen? That’s just wrong. It makes me ill to think of you—If you wanted to stop seeing me, you could have come up with a better excuse.”
“Jesus, Autumn. Whatever you think of me, she’s still your sister.”
“I can’t believe I was going to sleep with you today,” she said, her voice low.
She turned, walked a few steps, then turned again. “She’s not going to fuck you, you know. Not Miss Superiority. Miss Perfect. She doesn’t believe in sex without love.”
“Not an issue.” He dialed information and listened for the ring.
Autumn nearly dropped her drink. Her anger reddened her cheeks and actually made her look very pretty. Too bad there wasn’t a Truth in Advertising law for people.
Actually, that wasn’t true. If there had been, Gwen wouldn’t have looked at him twice. Now, he just needed to get to her. Once she heard what had happened, she’d understand. After all, she was Gwen.
THE DRIVE HOME had been a blur. No tears, just an odd combination of numbness and a pain that was as physical as a blow to the chest.
He’d looked so natural with her family. On Autumn’s arm. It made such sense. It was the smile that had done it. Made her see what a fool she’d been.
She’d loved him. Still must if it hurt so badly to see the truth. She’d finally let down her defenses. She’d actually dreamed of a future together, a shared life.
The humiliation was almost as painful as the heartbreak.
She dropped onto her couch, staring at nothing, feeling shattered. How could she have been so stupid?
Even though she knew it was warm in her apartment, she felt chilled to the bone. The throw was just there, on the other side of the couch but she couldn’t make herself get it. Everything was out of reach. Comfort, warmth. Love.
She’d have to tell Holly. The thought of her friend’s pity made Gwen sick to her stomach. She’d leave, just go somewhere no one knew her. Were they all laughing at her, back at the party? Having themselves a good chuckle as they ate her red velvet cupcakes?
Someone banged on her door. She made herself get up, to walk, to open.
It was Paul.
“Go away,” she said, shutting the door.
He wedged his foot inside. “No. It wasn’t what it looked like.”
“Just leave,” she said, not wanting him to see the tears in her eyes.
He pushed his way inside. “Gwen, listen to me. I had no idea she was taking me to a family gathering. The only reason I was with her was because I needed to tell her about us. It wasn’t fair to spring it on her, that’s all. That’s what happened anyway. It wasn’t intentional. I’ve hardly spoken to her since we hooked up, and I thought it would be better to lay it all out in person. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. I didn’t want to hurt her, either. Now, I’ve done both, but I didn’t mean to.”
The words trickled slowly into her brain. After what seemed like a lifetime, she understood two things: he was telling the truth and that the truth didn’t matter.
He stepped toward her, reaching out to touch her arm.
She stared at his hand. “I believe you.”
“So everything’s okay?” he asked, but his voice showed he didn’t think it was.
“Yes. It’s okay. I get it now. I like you, Paul, and I know you like me. That doesn’t change things though, does it?”
“What things?”
“The fact that you and I aren’t meant to be together. We never have been. You belong with someone like Autumn. Hopefully someone nicer, but like her. Someone you can take to your parties and your premieres. We’re just too different.”
“I’ve invited you over and over. I want you with me.”
She studied his face, incredibly aware of his stunning looks. No matter what his intentions were, she’d never feel truly comfortable with him in his world. “I don’t want to go there with you. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.”
He inhaled sharply, looking stricken. “Okay. Fine. I won’t ask you. I can do all that crap on my own.”
She hugged herself, so very cold. “No. It’s not a minor deal. And it’s not just about parties. I hate that it’s true because I’ve lived so much of my life believing that this shouldn’t matter. I’d convinced myself that I was fine about my looks and that I didn’t care about anyone else’s opinion. I’m the shallow one. Not you. You’re fine. You’re terrific. But I couldn’t take the stares. All of them wondering what you’re doing with someone like me.”
“You underestimate yourself.”
She turned away from him, deeply ashamed, but unwilling to lie about it. “I thought I was someone else. Someone better. I’m not.”
“Look, let’s sit down. Talk about this. I don’t even understand where this is coming from. Please.”
Shattered, she shook her head. She didn’t want to cry, but the tears came. “No. I’m sorry. I admire you so much. I know you’ll meet someone just right. You’ll see it makes sense.” She went to the door. “Please, just go.”
“Gwen, let me stay.”
She closed her eyes, the sight of him hurting too much.
Finally, he left. And she let herself weep. For the loss of him, and for the truth about herself.
PAUL WAS STILL UP after midnight. He’d called her twice, but she hadn’t picked up. He’d made every argument in his head, why she was wrong, why they made perfect sense together. But the longer he argued, the more her words sank in.
He thought about his business. His clients may not be the highest class out there, but they were all his kind. The kind he’d always associated with. And they were nothing compared to his friends.
To a man, and most especially to a woman, each was the type to judge everyone and everything on the superficial. In other words, they were just like him.
He still didn’t fully understand what had drawn him to Gwen. Was it that she presented a challenge? From the get-go, she hadn’t been impressed with his looks, the company he kept, his success, his money. He’d been surprised that night at the party that he’d enjoyed being with her. He’d assumed she’d be dry and dull, that they’d have nothing in common.
Well, that had been true to some degree. Yes, they both were baseball fans, and she loved Japanese horror, but those were coincidences.
He went to the kitchen and took out his decanter of whiskey. He needed something to put him to sleep.
He poured a double, neat, and swallowed the damn thing in one gulp. It burned his throat, made him cough.
When he went back to his study, he looked at the bookshelves. They were built-ins, and there were lots of hardbacks in neat rows—the majority still unread. Hers had been the first novel he’d read in years.
Then he thought about the books shelved in her living room. Novels, history, philosophy, film criticism. He knew without doubt that she’d read them all.
What would she want with a guy like him? She’d seen through his bullshit. She knew he was a show dog.
He sat down in his expensive leather chair. He’d had fun with Gwen. Monday night trivia had turned into something he looked forward to. He wanted to play on her team, go with her to the movies. Making love with her had been amazing.
Even so, he had to admit there was a chasm. If he was honest with himself, it would have bothered him in the end. His friends would look down on her. She wouldn’t fit in with his clients or associates. She’d see them for who they really were, and then he’d have to make some hard choices.
The facades had been enough all his life. It was easier that way. He understood those rules, and in that game he was an unqualified winner.
Did he really want to rock the boat?
Gwen was a challenge. She’d always be a challenge. It had started to feel as if he could win her, too, but maybe she was right. In the long run, wouldn’t it get old, always trying to be someone he wasn’t? To keep up with her would mean seeing the world through different eyes. Frankly, he had no idea if he’d be up to the task.
He didn’t want her to be right. When he’d told Autumn he liked Gwen, maybe more than that, he’d told the absolute truth.
What he hadn’t considered was the future. Gwen deserved the best man in the world. He didn’t come close.
GWEN CALLED IN SICK for the first time in almost a year. From bed she’d turned on the television with the remote, but she couldn’t say what was on.
Her eyes burned from crying; that was nothing compared to the pain in her heart. There was no reasoning with herself. She knew she’d done the right thing. It had already gone too far, and if it hurt this badly now, what would it be like months, years from now when they both realized how they were a complete mismatch?
She could just picture the two of them walking into Mr. Chow or Nobu. The looks of disbelief on all those perfect faces. They’d assume she was his sister or client or someone he had to dine with.
She couldn’t, wouldn’t do that to Paul. Or herself.
The phone rang again and she let the machine pick it up. It was Holly for the fourth time. Gwen should have answered, but couldn’t. Holly would understand, still, she’d want to talk about it. No.
It was all such a damn shame. She got another tissue out of the almost-empty box and blew her nose. She’d been so happy. Deliriously. She had to laugh at that. Delirious was right. She’d been swept up in a fairy tale. It was smart to have put an end to it.
If only she could sleep for a few months. Wake up with no memory of loving him.
But she’d live. And one day, she probably would click with one of her scientists. It helped that Paul hadn’t called in a while. She hoped he never would.
Curling around her pillow, she remembered his scent, his laughter, the way she’d felt when he touched the small of her back.
The sobs started and they stayed throughout the night.