After her T-shirt was on, her face washed, her lotion slathered on, she returned to the bedroom. The sheets from that night were in the back of her linen closet. Even those towels had been stowed away. How foolish was that? They were things. Of no particular significance except what she bestowed upon them. It was childish beyond words to not want to wash her face with the same washcloth.
She crawled under the covers. First thing, she turned on the TV. There was no chance of falling asleep without it. She needed just enough noise to distract her. In the car, in the office, but especially here.
Then she shut off the lights and started a list of all the things she’d have to do to move across the country.
That worked for about ten minutes, and then he came back. Paul, touching her. How he kissed, and how it felt to lick him like a sinful treat.
She turned over, determined to go on with her list. Determined but weak.
It was later than usual before she wept, so she was thankful for that. God, how she missed him. So much, it hurt to breathe.
Her thoughts skittered from one memory to another and landed on that first night. She remembered him at her door, so handsome in his tuxedo. The first dance. How shocked she’d been that he’d been so good. They’d laughed a lot that night. Yeah, they’d also had a lot to drink, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t the important thing. They’d had a wonderful time in a place where she’d never expected it.
Yes, it had been more his world than hers, despite the fact that it was her family and he hadn’t known anyone. She hadn’t cared what anyone in the room thought.
What had happened to her? Where had she lost that confidence? Where had she lost herself?
She’d spent years as a self-confident, proud woman. Someone of substance. It made no sense that she’d lost something she’d believed to be so fundamental.
Was it possible to find that Gwen again?
She wasn’t much into prayer. She’d always been too logical for that kind of thing. Logic be damned. She needed all the help she could get if she were to have any hope of finding her truth.
“Please, God,” she whispered, “if you’re there, help me. Let me be me again. I miss myself almost as much as I miss Paul, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Don’t be silly. Of course you can. It’s only a date.”
“A blind date. What was I thinking? I’m not ready.”
“Gwen Christopher,” Holly said in schoolmarm mode. “It’s been two months. You have nothing whatsoever to do tonight except watch TV, and there’s nothing good on. Would you, for pity’s sake, consider the possibility that you could have a good time tonight?”
“I don’t know this man. Even if he was Mr. Wonderful, I’m in no mood. I’ve been dreading this since I let you talk me into it. Call him and tell him something came up. Say I had to fly to Yemen.”
“I will not. You’re going to go, and dammit, you’re going to have a good time.”
“Ha.” Gwen looked at herself in the mirror. Holly had told her it was just a movie, jeans were fine, nothing to worry about. Gwen wasn’t even sure why she’d bothered with makeup. The whole business was a bad idea. All she could think about was Paul. Which wasn’t fair. She turned to Holly. “Why would you want to inflict me on a perfectly innocent stranger? What did he ever do to you?”
“Very amusing.” Holly’s words were garbled by chips, but Gwen understood. “Wait till you meet him. You’ll relax instantly, and before you know it you’ll be laughing and all thoughts of your tragic life will vanish.”
“Impossible.”
Her friend put down the bag. “Won’t you please, please trust me? I know how hard it’s been for you. At some point you have to move forward. It’s time, my friend. Past time.”
Gwen sighed. Holly was wrong. Missing Paul had only gotten worse as each day passed. She’d tried to call him so many times, but fear had won out in the beginning and by the time the fear had lessened, awkwardness swooped in to take its place. There was little doubt he’d moved on. Surely he had a woman in his life. Someone more appropriate. Someone who didn’t have to struggle with old neuroses.
“I know what you’re thinking. Being with Paul brought up some past demons. It happens. You faced them, and now you’re stronger. You’re you again, with no apologies. Which makes it perfectly sensible that it’s time for you to get out there. Meet someone. I promise, he’s terrific.”
Gwen crossed her arms. “Then why aren’t you going out with him?”
Holly made a face. “He’s too smart for me.”
“Hey, cut that out. You’re everything a man could want. I wish you wouldn’t say things like that about yourself.”
“Said the kettle.”
After a short but sweet raspberry, Gwen went to her closet and pulled out her white jacket. It seemed to go with her dark jeans and navy striped top. Although it didn’t make a damn bit of difference what she wore, seeing as how she didn’t want to go, and wouldn’t have a good time.
“You’d better get a move on.” Holly swung her legs over the side of the bed, the chip bag still open in her left hand.
“I’ll be early.”
“Only if you don’t hit traffic. Which you will.”
“Did you tell him it was only for the movie? No dinner afterward or anything like that?”
“I did not.” Holly wiped her free hand on her sweats and came over to Gwen. “Just see what happens. You’ll have your own car, right? If it sucks you can leave after the movie. How bad could it be?”
“Bad.” Gwen put the jacket on as she gave in. It was only a movie. She’d survive. And then maybe Holly would stop trying to fix her up. She knew her friend meant well. From Holly’s perspective it must look as if Gwen’s life was back on track. She was winning at trivia again, doing things with the gang from work. She’d even remembered how to laugh. It hadn’t been easy, but she’d been determined to find herself. To make sure that while she may have lost Paul, she would never go back to that place of doubt.
If he somehow miraculously walked back into her life, she wouldn’t hesitate to go with him to The Ivy. Or anywhere else.
That was the thing with some big lessons. Paul had clearly been put in her life to show her she wasn’t as strong as she’d thought. He’d helped her, really. She’d taken a good, hard look at what she believed in, and she’d made some tough decisions, and she’d never undercut her own power again. The downside was that she’d had to walk through the last of her lesson alone. The man she’d thought was so shallow had turned out to be her teacher. Go figure.
He’d also helped her see that she needed to work out the issues she had with her family before she transferred out of California. That was testing her but good, but it was worth it. She felt a lot less anger at most of her family. Everyone but Autumn, and Gwen wasn’t sure that relationship could ever be healed.
“Quit thinking and go,” Holly said, giving her a push toward the door.
“I’m going, I’m going. Sheesh.”
“Sheesh my big fat behind. Go. Eateth of the popcorn. Drinketh of the soda. Rejoice in the company of a very nice man.”
Gwen had to smile. Holly had been nothing but wonderful, despite this whole blind date business. It was good to have friends. Better than good.
Now, all she had to do was make it through the next few hours. She could do it. She was strong. She was invincible.
Oh, who was she kidding. It was going to be a nightmare.
THROUGH NO FAULT of his own, Paul was running late. Two critical meetings had gone long. Then he’d realized he was almost out of gas, the traffic had been worse than usual. He should have walked out of the meeting and damn the consequences.
He yanked his tie off as he hurried toward the bedroom. He’d grab a quick shower. Of all the nights…
Who the hell was at his door? He thought about ignoring the bell, but it rang again. Damn. Hurrying, the seconds ticking by too quickly, he flung open the door with a curse ready.
His heart slammed in his chest. Gwen.
“Hey,” she said, and in that one word he heard her fear and her hope.
“Hey, yourself.”
“I don’t really know why I’m here.” She looked back toward the street. “I’m supposed to be somewhere else, but…”
“I don’t care,” he said.
“What?” She turned back to face him. “You don’t care that I’m—”
“I don’t care why you’re here. I’m just so goddamn grateful you are.”
Her face changed. It was beautiful before, but with his confession, she became so much more. Her tension fell away and hope filled her eyes. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her tight, to kiss her again and make love to her and the truth was, he couldn’t move.
“You are?”
He nodded.
“I was horrible. Stupid. I kicked you out for the worst reasons ever. You were perfect and I was a complete ass.”
That made him laugh. “Would you do me a favor?”
She nodded.
“Get in here.”
Her smile. It filled him with the kind of happiness that couldn’t be studied. The kind that changed a man in every way that mattered.
He pulled her into his arms, heard her purse hit the floor, felt her grab on to his back as if she was never gonna let go.
When he kissed her, everything made sense again.
They stood in the doorway for the longest time. He couldn’t get enough of her. Missing her had damn near crippled him and he needed to hold her, taste her, smell her unmistakable, wonderful scent.
Her grip never eased, and when his hand went to her cheek he found it was wet with tears. He wanted to tell her not to cry, but he couldn’t stop kissing her even for those few words.
Finally, she was the one who drew back.
“I have so much to apologize for.”
“No you don’t. It doesn’t matter.” He meant it. Whatever the reasons, it was over now. She was back. If she only knew how bleak everything had been when he’d lost her, she’d understand.
“Yes, I do. I need to explain what happened.”
“Gwen—”
“Please,” she said as she stepped to the side. She wiped her face with the back of her hand. “Please.”
He closed the front door. “Of course. Tell me everything.”
She smiled at him. There was a pretty decent streak of mascara above her cheek, and her lipstick was wonky. It made her even prettier.
“I have to make a phone call first,” she said. “I’m supposed to meet someone.”
“At the movies?”
“Yeah. How did you—?”
He took her hand in his and led her to the living room. “He knows you can’t make it.”
She stopped. “What?”
“I was your blind date. Again. This time I wasn’t sent by your sister.”
Her mouth was open, but no words came out. She stared at him as if she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“Holly talked me into it. I was scared to death, but she told me not to be such a wimp.”
“Holly?”
“Hey, she’s your best friend.”
“Not anymore.”
“Really?”
Gwen took a deep breath. “No, of course not. It was a stupid trick. A perfect trick.”
“That’s what she said. Not the stupid part.”
Gwen went right to his big leather couch and sat down with a thunk. “I…She should have told me. You should have. I almost turned around and drove back to my apartment. Then what would have happened?”
“I’d have come after you. If you weren’t ready to see me, I’d have waited. As long as it took.”
Gwen took his hand as she scrutinized his face. “How could you still want me after all that happened?”
“How could I not? You destroyed me, kiddo. I couldn’t get you out of my head. The more time passed, the worse it got. I was getting desperate. So I called her. Holly.”
“The blind date was your idea?”
He gave her what he hoped was a winning smile. “It worked the first time. Holly was the one who gave me hope, though. She said I’d be welcome. And she also told me to make it a movie. I’d wanted to take you dancing.”
Gwen blinked. Whimpered just a tiny bit. Whispered, “Oh, my God.”
There was no choice but to kiss her again. God, her taste. Her lips, her hair. Her. She’d come back before he’d asked. Before he’d had to beg.
She pulled back, tugging his hands to her lap, holding him still. “Stop taking my breath away, okay? Just for now. I need you to know this. To listen.”
He nodded.
She met his gaze clear-eyed and determined. “See, I’d convinced myself that I was this noble person with a great purpose, showing people that obsessing about looks and perfection was foolish and stupid and that anyone who did had to be stupid and foolish and I could write them all off and feel superior.” She paused, then continued. “Finally, finally, I stopped thinking about it altogether. I was over it. I was the me I’d always wanted to be.
“And then you came along. I had you pegged from that first moment, but you kept surprising me. You took all my ridiculous assumptions and turned them upside down. Then I got into real trouble when I fell in love with you. Suddenly I was twelve again, being made fun of by all the mean girls in school, and hearing my mother sigh because there was nothing she could do about her unfortunate daughter. Maybe it was because you’d been seeing Autumn, I don’t know, but all the issues I’d thought I’d dealt with came back with interest.
“The thing is, I loved you. I just believed you deserved so much more. Eventually, I understood that I deserved more, too.”
“You fell in love with me?”
She smiled. “Big-time.”
“I had no idea,” he said. “It makes sense, though. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching myself, especially after you and I…It wasn’t much fun to admit what an ass I’d been. I was that person you thought I was when we met. What did you say, stupid and foolish?”
“I didn’t mean—”
“Yeah, you did. And you were right. I’m still pretty damn amazed that I had enough sense to see something better in me when I had the opportunity.” He smiled. “Personally? I think it happened on the dance floor. That very first night. You belonged in my arms. You’ll always belong in my arms.”
It was clear she was struggling, but he wasn’t sure if it was in an effort not to cry or not to speak.
“Because of you,” she said, her voice trembling on the edge of tears, “I got to see who I really was. That I hadn’t let go of my childhood pain. I was scared, Paul, and it was a child’s self-conscious fear. I saw you with my family, and it looked like you fit in so perfectly. Then I got that it was all on the surface. You’re nothing like them.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I’m still pretty good at being a shallow, selfish bastard.”
She shook her head. “Not even close. You’re the bravest man I know. You took such a huge chance. You had no idea where it would lead, and yet you kept on going. Look at what you’ve done. You’re who I want to be when I grow up.”
He cleared his throat.
“So you know,” she said, “I’m working through things with my family. I don’t know if I’ll end up with any real relationships there, but I’m open. I’d given a lot of thought to moving away, but I tried to follow your example. To stand up and fight for a new life.”
He hadn’t meant to, but he burst out laughing.