Much Ado About Nothing

Retold by Jenny Oldfield

Illustrated by Serena Curmi

List of characters

Act One

Act Two

Act Three

Act Four

Act Five

About the Author

List of characters

Claudia Ricci,
Lite reporter

Leonato Ianucci,
AC Messina's owner

Don Pedro,
AC Messina's coach

Claudio,
AC Messina's star striker

Benedick,
AC Messina's top defender

Hero,
Leonato's daughter

Beatrice,
Leonato's niece

John,
Don Pedro's brother

Antonio,
Leonato's brother

Conrade,
John's friend

Borachio,
John's friend

Margaret,
Hero's friend

Ursula,
Hero's friend

Luigi Salvo,
AC Messina's physio

Dogberry,
security guard

Priest

 

Major hunk alert! This is your
Lite Entertainment
correspondent speaking to you from the baking tarmac of Messina airport as our cup-winning squad fly home to a heroes' welcome.
Lite
has been given special access to film events on the days following the biggest international footballing triumph since Italy won the World Cup. My name is Claudia Ricci and I'm happy to be your guide.

As you can see, a massive crowd of fans has gathered to greet the all-star team. Amongst them a gaggle of A-listers are here for this celeb-strewn celebration. I honestly can't move for Gucci gowns and Laboutin heels.

Here on my right I can pick out the club's sponsor, international financier Leonato Ianucci, his daughter, Hero, and her girl-about-town cousin, Beatrice, all gagging to congratulate our winning team. And lucky me – I'm near enough to listen to the AC Messina lowdown from long-time team physio, Luigi Salvo, who flew in ahead of the boys.

‘They're coming into gate H5, right?' Leonato wants to know.

‘Yeah, that's them taxiing towards us as we speak.'

‘Terrific final. Great play. But did the game throw up any serious injuries?' Leonato is already looking ahead, worrying about the next match.

‘A couple of minor niggles, that's all.' Luigi is happy to put the money man's mind to rest.

‘And Claudio was Man of the Match?'

The physio is craning to get a look at the plane, but he can't get away, not from the man who pays his wages. ‘He deserved it. He was everywhere – up front to score, back in defence when it was needed. The kid was phenomenal!'

‘His family will be over the moon,' Leonato comments.

I lean across with my microphone, recording every word.

And now Beatrice butts in. To be fair, it's been at
least
sixty seconds since the girl last
opened her mouth. ‘So is Benedick on the plane with the others?' she asks Luigi.

‘The last I heard he was.'

‘I'm amazed!' (She isn't really – she's just saying it for effect.) ‘That he reached the airport in time,' she explains to Hero and her uncle. ‘What with all those girls he had to say goodbye to.'

‘That's a little harsh,' Leonato warns. He's just noticed me and my cameraman. ‘Benedick played brilliantly. He was up there with Claudio for Man of the Match.'

‘Oh, Man of the Match. I'm sure that's what the girls called him,' Beatrice flashes back.

Uncle Leo picks up on what she's trying to imply. ‘I'm talking about his performance on the
field
, what are
you
talking about?'

Beatrice can't resist playing on the double meaning. ‘Yes, Uncle – Benedick's “performance on the field”, what else?'

Leonato doesn't bat an eyelid. ‘I don't know and I don't
want
to know anything about
Benedick's private life, unless it gets into the papers and affects his game. All I do know is that you two will be at each others' throats before he even has time to unpack his cupwinner's medal.'

Cue more smart remarks from Beatrice. ‘The latest score is four–nil, to me. Benedick may be a soccer hero, but off the pitch he doesn't stand a cat in hell's chance, and he knows it. Anyway, Luigi, who's he hanging out with and corrupting these days?'

Luigi looks for wriggle room. He glances at his watch, then out at the runway.

‘Come on – give me a name,' Beatrice insists.

‘I guess that would be Claudio,' Luigi mumbles apologetically.

‘Oh, totally tragic! Poor Claudio!' Beatrice goes OTT as usual. ‘Tell him to ditch Benedick at once. Claudio's young and innocent – the paparazzi will grind him to a pulp!'

Luigi is half swamped by a crowd of photographers rushing to gate H5. ‘I didn't
hear that,' he mutters.

‘Take no notice,' Leonato says. ‘Beatrice loves to be outrageous, but she doesn't mean anything by it.'

Beatrice looks as if she's about to answer back
again
, but now the plane doors are open and the team are stepping down onto the red carpet. Cameras flash, and at last poor Luigi can escape.

Don Pedro, immaculately dressed in a dark-blue designer suit, is leading the boys into the full glare of the crowd.
Click-flash-click
! He makes a beeline for Leonato and clasps his arms, kissing him on both cheeks. ‘Good to see you, sir.'

‘I'm overjoyed – wouldn't have missed this homecoming for the world,' Leonato tells him.

There's more camera action, more shoving and yelling.

‘Claudio, look over here! Hold up the cup. Look this way!'

Click-flash-click
! Claudio raises the silverware
above his head, Benedick by his side.

In the hustle and bustle, Don Pedro turns to Hero and does the huggy-kissy thing again. ‘You have one proud dad,' he tells her. ‘You must be very happy for him.'

‘Hero was
born
happy,' Beatrice cuts in. ‘When have you ever seen her sad?'

Suddenly, Benedick materialises out of nowhere, ready to suck up to the boss. ‘Who wouldn't be happy to have Leonato for a dad?'

And Beatrice is back, quick as a flash. ‘Who asked you?' she wants to know.

But Benedick doesn't even look her way, let alone answer the question. ‘Still here?' he sighs.

‘Unluckily for you. You've never been my flavour of the month, remember?'

‘Doesn't bother me.' The guy is A-list arrogant and doesn't care who knows it. ‘The whole world is full of women ready to fall at my feet. One exception makes no difference to me. Anyway, I'm not interested in wannabe WAGs.'

‘Thank god! That makes one less sex-mad, self-centred womaniser to worry about.' Beatrice doesn't pull her punches. ‘And, amazingly, it's the one thing we agree on. Like you, I haven't got time for the opposite sex. I'd donate all my Laboutins to charity, every single pair, rather than show a nano-grain of interest in a run-of-the-mill soccer hero!'

This time, Benedick can't help reacting. He's angry and he shows it. ‘Good – keep thinking like that. And mind you keep your claws away from my face!'

‘My claws couldn't make you uglier than you already are.'

‘Pot – kettle – black!' Benedick retorts, as the press crowd in.

‘Typical!' snorts Beatrice. ‘And don't worry – I'm not about to lower myself to your level.'

Leonato sees it's time for him to step in and do something quick. And he only goes and invites the whole team to spend a month at his swanky seaside villa. That's
everyone
– players,
coaches, physios, plus me and my camera crew. Even Pedro's brother, John, is included, though rumour has it that John and Pedro were involved in some major brotherly spat during the early stages of Messina's cup bid. I hope to find out more about that later.

John growls a quick thank you. I mean, who would say no to sun, sea and as many WAGs as you could possibly want?

Now there's one last smile from the team for the world's press, before the open-top bus whisks everyone away to Leonato's luxury pad.

I'm still a fly on the wall, squeezed in behind Claudio and Benedick, as the Man of the Match sneaks a chance to confide in his new best buddy.

‘Did you clock Hero back there at the airport?'

‘Sure.' Benedick is busy waving to the fans that line the streets.

‘Didn't you think she was looking hot?'

‘You do realise that you're asking the opinion
of the biggest commitment-phobe on the planet.' Benedick is still waving.

‘I'm serious!' Claudio insists.

‘OK, if you must know, I think Hero's too short – I prefer tall girls. And she's dark – I prefer blondes. Apart from that, yeah – she's hot. Though I still don't give her more than seven out of ten.'

‘I'm not kidding, Ben. Tell me what you
really
think.'