Much Ado About Nothing (2 page)

‘Why? Is she on the market?'

Claudio leans forward in his seat. ‘You don't talk that way about a girl like Hero!'

At last Benedick stops waving to give the kid the benefit of his wide experience. ‘Since you scored the winning goal, you can get any girl you want – and don't look at me like I said something you didn't already know!'

‘OK, but I still say Hero's different. Nicer, sweeter, prettier…'

‘You're kidding. Are we talking about the same woman? Now take her cousin, Beatrice.
If she'd just keep her mouth shut, you'd soon realise she's way above Hero in the looks department. Anyhow, you're not thinking of making a move in Hero's direction, I hope.'

I notice there's a long silence between the question and Claudio's answer.

‘I guess that's a yes,' the striker finally admits.

Just then, the bus driver puts on the brakes. We have arrived at Leonato's villa.

‘What am I hearing?' Benedick cries. ‘And what has happened to my new drinking buddy? You do realise that you're putting your head right into the noose?' He means it. There's a long pause, and then he adds, ‘Just don't come running to me when you're bored. Hey, Pedro, listen to this!'

The team coach is about to get off the bus, but he turns to join in Benedick's bit of fun. ‘OK, guys, what's up?'

‘Promise not to tell anyone,' Benedick grins. ‘Only Claudio here is in
lurve
! And before you
ask, the lucky girl is Hero!'

‘Hold on…' Claudio's protest is pretty feeble. ‘OK, I admit it,' he sighs, going all red and awkward. Bless!

The coach gives it some thought. ‘Good luck to you, son.' More thought. ‘She's a nice girl.'

‘You're not just saying that?' Claudio checks.

‘No, it's true.'

Benedick breaks the mood by bursting out laughing. ‘Absolutely true!' He gets up and heads for the door. ‘Just don't ask me for advice – I know nothing about
lurve
!'

‘Cynic!' Pedro shouts after him, then slaps Claudio on the back.

They climb down from the bus, and vanish between the marble columns at the entrance to Leonato's villa.

‘I reckon Benedick's not as anti-woman as he makes out,' Claudio confides to his coach as they go inside. ‘It's all a big act.'

‘I heard that!' The man himself stops in his tracks. ‘Listen, my mother's a woman, I'll give
you that. But that's as far as it goes. I wouldn't trust another not to make a fool out of me, and that's the reason I plan to stay single for the rest of my life.'

‘Ha!' Pedro's expression says he's heard it all before. ‘What's the betting you fall for some girl and start acting the lovesick fool before we know it?'

But Ben's having none of it. ‘I may fall sick for other reasons, boss, but not over a woman!'

‘Yeah, yeah…'

‘If I'm wrong, you can tell me what an idiot I've been. I'll own up to it, no problem,' he insists.

Pedro winks at Claudio and they join the rest of the players who are crowding round the infinity pool at the back of Leonato's villa. ‘Stranger things have happened,' he jokes.

Benedick strolls to the edge of the terrace and looks out over olive groves to the distant hills. ‘If I do fall in love and get married, feel free to make me a laughing stock,' he says.
‘But I'm telling you straight, I'd rather walk into the epicentre of an earthquake, the eye of a tornado, whatever…'

‘I hear you,' Pedro laughs. ‘But right now I'm starving. Go and ask Leonato what time we're going to eat.'

Our soccer star doesn't take well to being treated as a gofer, but he knows better than to argue with his coach. So he trots off on the errand while Pedro and Claudio lie down on loungers beside the pool.

It's not long before Claudio is back on his favourite topic. ‘Boss, do you mind if I ask you a favour?' he mutters shyly.

‘Ask away. You won us the cup – you're my golden boy. Is it to do with the girl?'

‘Hero? Yeah. I knew her before, but I never took much notice of her. There was too much on my mind in the build up to the cup. But now that's over, it's hit me hard. I think she's gorgeous. I can't get her out of my head – her hair, her face, her skin…'

‘Way too much information!' Pedro raises a hand to stop the flow. ‘You want me to have a word with her? I know you're shy, kid, so I take it that's the favour you wanted to ask.'

‘Thanks. That's what I was leading up to.'

‘Consider it done. I'm happy to help, and here's the plan.' Pedro talks to Claudio as if they're discussing team tactics before a match. ‘Leonato's throwing a big party tonight. Fancy dress. So let me dress up as you and treat Hero to some of my best chat-up lines. I'll tell her I'm smitten and all the rest. She'll fall for it, big time. Then I'll sort it all out with her dad. By the time the party's over, you'll be able to call in the wedding planner!'

This might sound to you like a halfway decent plan, given that Claudio's mega shy and all that, but I have the knack of making sure I'm in the right place at the right time and I soon hit a complication. It happens a few minutes later, when Leonato is fussing about music for the party
and he bumps into his doddery older brother, Antonio.

‘Do you have a minute?' Antonio asks.

‘I can give you thirty seconds,' Leonato agrees.

‘I was out by the pool just now. I overheard Pedro talking to Claudio.'

(Oh dear! Careless talk can be dangerous. You especially, Pedro, should know how important it is to check for the presence of reporters…)

‘So?' Leo counts the seconds.

‘Pedro's been telling Claudio he has a thing about … well, actually that he's
in love
with your daughter! He plans to tell her tonight and then ask you if he can marry her.'

(And if you're gonna snoop, Antonio, then at least follow the basic rule of all good journalism and that is to get your facts right!)

‘OK. You'd better warn Hero what to expect.' Leonato dashes off.

In my opinion, even though he's rushed off his feet, the guy should have given this news about his daughter a lot more thought.

I'm still working out the implications of this basic factual error and putting finishing touches to my fancy-dress costume when I run into laugh-a-minute John and a shady-looking guy called Conrade, who I haven't seen before.

‘Why the long face?' Conrade asks. And he makes a small attempt to cheer up John.

But misery guts is having none of it. ‘Why fake it?' he grumbles. ‘I am what I am and I intend to stay miserable – OK!'

Conrade doesn't see it that way. ‘Not OK. I'm all for faking, especially if you want to stick around and get back in Pedro's good books.'

If John wants to carry on lounging by the pool, this seems like good advice, but here's what Mr Sunshine thinks:

‘I'd rather be kicked out onto the street than act all nicey nicey. I was born bad and that's the bottom line, take it or leave it. Nobody puts a muzzle on me, and people had better watch out, because I bite!'

I'm shaking in my shoes, but Conrade comes over with the pop psychology. ‘Maybe you could channel all this anger instead,' he suggests.

But then another piece of lowlife called Borachio turns up. (You'd think Leonato would have more sense than to let these guys into his house.) ‘The party's started,' he announces. ‘And expect a major splash for the gossip mags – a marriage is on the cards.'

(Tut-tut, the world and his wife seems to have got hold of the story, but at least Borachio has the right end of the stick.)

‘Claudio wants to propose to Hero,' he tells John and Conrade. ‘But it's complicated – the kid's too shy to do the deed, so Pedro's planning to go in disguise and chat up Hero for him.'

When he hears this, John's miserable face lights up. I'm talking personality transplant. ‘I can use this!' he cries. ‘And when I'm through with Claudio, he definitely won't be my brother's Man of the Match!'

 

Hello again, viewers, as you join me, Claudia Ricci, to party with top footballers and fashionistas in the idyllic Italian Riviera. Tonight I can reveal exclusively for
Lite Entertainment
the full facts about the stars and their stunning fancy-dress costumes. And you can bet it's going to be a gathering that the guests will remember for the rest of their lives!

Right now I'm standing here on the sprawling terrace of Leonato's fairytale villa, where no expense has been spared on an extravagant display of white peonies and roses, mingling with thousands of Swarovski crystals and glimmering candles. Let's step back and watch as our AC Messina heroes gather under the stars.

Look, here comes Leonato, checking off the guests.

‘Has anyone seen John?' he asks.

Antonio tells him no, then Beatrice comes in with one of her famous one-liners: ‘The guy's so sour it gives me indigestion just looking at him!'

This leads into a heated debate between her, Hero and Leonato about party pooper, John. Bea compares him with Benedick, and can't resist putting them both down.

Leonato tuts. ‘You'll never find a husband if you keep on like that.'

‘Fine by me,' Beatrice retorts. ‘Lord save me from a husband with a beard for a start. It'd be like sleeping with a woolly blanket!'

‘So find one without a beard,' Leonato suggests.

‘What, you mean a lady-boy!'

This brings gasps and giggles, so Bea carries on. ‘At least a man with a beard is a genuine grown-up. No, I don't want either one with a beard or one without. I'd rather show up as I am in hell and get sent to heaven for being a virgin. I'd find lots of eligible guys in heaven and I'd be perfectly happy!'

It's obvious Antonio doesn't get Beatrice's sense of humour. He drops Hero a line of what he thinks is sensible advice: ‘Don't try to be like
her – do what your father tells you.'

‘Yeah, Hero, do your duty,' Beatrice grins. ‘But don't say yes to an ugly guy on any account!' And she laughs out loud when old Antonio says he hopes she'll find herself a husband one day. ‘Never!' she cries.

Leonato gives up on her and turns to his daughter. ‘Remember, if Pedro proposes to you tonight, your answer is yes.'

‘Wait, wait!' Beatrice steps in. ‘Don't let Pedro push you into anything rash. Men do that, you know. They sweep you off your feet during the wooing phase, like they're involved in some up-tempo dance routine – you haven't got time to work out what's real and what's fake. Then it all slows down for the wedding march, and after you're married, love goes pear-shaped and completely out of tune.'

‘Too true,' Leonato can be heard to mutter. He's probably lost a fortune in divorce settlements.

A boy band starts to play and now it's
dressing-up time. We all put on our masks and a new group of guests burst onto the terrace. Before they disappear behind their disguises, I pick out Pedro, Claudio, Benedick, John and his buddy Borachio, plus a load of other hangers-on. Pedro makes a beeline for Hero.