Much Ado About Nothing (4 page)

(Wrong again, Benedick.)

Beatrice flounces up. ‘I've been sent to tell you dinner's ready,' she says.

‘Thanks, babe,' he simpers.

(
Babe
? Are you kidding!)

‘There's nothing to thank me for. I wouldn't have come if I'd found it a pain.'

‘So, it was a
pleasure
?'

‘Yeah, like having a knife at my throat. Listen, if you're not hungry, just forget it.' And she stalks off, leaving him to work it out.

‘“I've been sent to tell you dinner's ready”,' he echoes. ‘There's a double meaning in that! “I wouldn't have come if I'd found it a pain”, which means she
wanted
to bring me the message. Well, I'm a lowlife if I don't respond. Yes, I'll definitely love her back!'

 

Love meters at the ready, everyone! You're in for the biggest gossip-fest of the decade, and the question is, can Ben escape his playboy past and will wild-child Bea settle down with her man? 31% of viewers have called in to vote Yes, 69% said No. It's Claudia Ricci, still here at the villa, with my finger on the pulse, and I promise you, thing are really hotting up.

Move number one – Hero tells her friend Margaret the plan:

‘Bring Beatrice out here onto the terrace and say that we're talking about her. Persuade her to hide behind that stack of sun loungers so she can listen in on our conversation.'

‘Got it!' Margaret dashes off.

Move number two – Hero brings her other girlfriend, Ursula, up to speed:

‘We're gonna wait until Bea's in position, then we play Cupid. We're gonna gossip about Benedick – you must big him up, I'll say he's crazy for Bea.'

They see Beatrice sneak in and take up her
place behind the sun loungers.

‘Ready?' Hero whispers. Then she turns up the volume.

HERO: No, I'm telling you –
Beatrice is a tough cookie
. No man stands a chance of taming her.

URSULA (proving she's a quick learner): But you're sure
Benedick's in love with her
?

HERO: I heard it from Claudio and Pedro. They think I should tell her, but I said it was a bad idea.

URSULA: How come?

HERO: It's obvious.
Beatrice is too big headed to listen
. She'll never fall in love with anyone except herself.

URSULA: You're right. Better not tell her in case she laughs in Ben's face.

HERO: There's not a guy on this planet that Bea would fancy, no matter how smart, classy or gorgeous he is. If he's too handsome, she makes her sarcastic lady-boy put-downs. Too dark, too tall, too short – she'll always find
something to make fun of. Either the guy talks too little or not enough – he can't win.

URSULA (sighing): That's not good.

HERO: But who's going to tell Bea she's out of order. No, don't look at me – she'd make mincemeat out of me.

URSULA: Why not risk it and tell her anyway?

HERO: No, I've got a better idea. I'll find Benedick and persuade him to forget all about her. I'll invent a nasty rumour to ruin her reputation.

URSULA: Oh, that's mean! But surely Bea's clever enough to see Benedick's good points. In fact, to tell you the truth, Hero, and don't take offence – I rate Benedick higher than your husband-to-be! Talking of which, can I get a sneak preview of your wedding dress?

HERO: It's in my closet. Come and see.

Job done. The girls have sprung the trap and go off arm in arm. Beatrice creeps out in total shock.

‘My ears are burning. It can't be true! Am I really that conceited? Well, that's all about to change. And, Benedick, carry on loving me and I'll love you back! I'm even ready to go shopping for a ring, because the fact is, if they say you deserve me, I'm totally ready to believe it!'

As you can see, things are moving fast. I'm roaming the villa with my
Lite
crew, picking up the next scrap of scandal when we come across Pedro chatting with Benedick, Claudio and Leonato in the hot tub.

‘As soon as you've tied the knot, I have to leave,' Pedro tells Claudio. ‘I've got a meeting in Aragon with the head of the Italian football league. Ben, do you wanna come along to keep me company? You're still fancy-free, I take it?'

‘Er, not totally,' Benedick mumbles.

Pedro gives him a long, meaningful look. ‘Hmm, now I think about it, you do look a bit more serious than usual.'

‘Maybe he's in lurve!' Claudio crows. Nudge nudge, wink wink!

‘Never!' Pedro gasps. ‘He's lost money on the horses, that's all.'

‘I've got toothache.' Benedick gives the worst excuse ever.

The others carry on ribbing him something rotten.

‘Yeah, go ahead and laugh,' Ben says. ‘It's different when you're the one in pain.'

Claudio is like a dog at a bone. ‘Definitely in lurve!' he laughs.

Pedro sets off another chain of quick-fire banter. ‘He doesn't
look
like a man in love.'

‘Yeah, he does. He's begun to care about the way he dresses for a start.'

‘Has he restyled his hair?'

‘He's had a shave!'

‘That does make him look younger,' Leonato cuts in.

Pedro nods. ‘And he's wearing aftershave. You can smell it a mile off.'

‘Oh well, that's all the proof you need. You're right, he's
definitely
in love.'

‘Plus, he's gone all moody on us.'

Claudio grins and gives Benedick a shove. ‘So, who's the lucky lady?'

‘It's got to be someone who doesn't know him and his moods,' Pedro says.

Benedick can't take any more. He gets out of the hot tub, wraps a towel round his waist and asks Leonato to follow him into the house.

‘Did you hear that, Leonato?' Pedro chuckles. ‘I'd bet a lot of money that your niece, Beatrice, is in the frame here!'

Leonato nods and smiles as he goes after Ben.

It's all turning out well for the lads until John turns up to spoil their fun. The atmosphere always changes when this creep is around, like a shadow coming over the sun.

He says he needs a quick word with Pedro and Claudio. ‘About your wedding,' he explains to our soccer hero.

Claudio doesn't seem bothered. He tells John to fire away.

Deep breath from the creep, then he begins. ‘I know you don't think of me as a mate, Claudio, and I know you've used my brother to help set things up between you and Hero, but I'm here to tell you that the girl is both a cheat and a liar!'

‘Who, Hero?' Claudio whispers.

‘Yes, Hero!' John's stare is intense. ‘It's worse than you think, and if you meet me tonight under her bedroom window, I'll prove it. Remember, this is the night before your wedding. If you still love her after what I have to show you, then go ahead and marry her. But personally, I'd advise against it.'

‘Can it be true?' the gullible kid asks.

Pedro says it's impossible.

‘Just let me show you!' John urges.

‘OK, and if it's true, I'll shame her in front of everyone in the church,' Claudio decides a tad hastily.

Pedro backs him up. He's also a bit hot-headed, you have to admit.

John's happy. ‘Don't say a word until tonight,' he warns. This new plan is working well for him and he allows himself a bitter, twisted smile.

It's dark now – the time for John's cunning little plan – and things are really, really hotting up. The booze is flowing freely when Leonato's security team shows up for tomorrow's big event. As ever, we keep our cameras rolling.

The security guys are losers beyond belief. There's a fat dummy called Dogberry in charge. He mangles his words and is as thick as two short planks! And the others don't have a brain cell between them, either.

Dogberry stations a couple of bouncers here in the front courtyard and takes the others round the back of the villa. It's not long before Borachio and Conrade roll through the main door dead drunk. It turns out the alcohol
has loosened Borachio's tongue. He's boasting about his big bonus and gives Conrade the lowdown on how he managed to talk Margaret into impersonating Hero so that he could con Claudio into believing he's got engaged to a underhand, dirty love-cheat.

‘It's a good job it was pitch black,' Borachio laughs. ‘The trick worked perfectly. Now the kid is all set to get his revenge tomorrow!'

But the security guards have heard everything. They step out from the shadows and not so much pounce, as drown the villains in an avalanche of angry words. It's an arrest like you'd never believe.

Next morning and we're up with the lark. Your roving
Lite
reporter has gained exclusive access to the bride-to-be, who has developed bad pre-wedding jitters. Margaret is struggling to do Hero's hair and get her into her dress when Beatrice turns up. The bride's cousin isn't exactly entering into the spirit of things, either.

‘What's wrong?' Hero asks.

‘I'm not feeling very well,' Bea sighs.

‘Maybe you could ask Benedick to give you some medicine!' Margaret sniggers.

Bea turns on her. ‘What do you mean, “medicine”?' she demands.

‘Nothing!' says Margaret. ‘I'm not implying you're in love with him or anything like that. We all know that would be too incredible for words. All I'm saying is he was just like you once, and look how he's changed.'

The conversation is suddenly cut short by Ursula dashing in to tell them that Pedro and Benedick are waiting to take Hero to the church. There's a frantic rush to zip Hero into her dress and run the straighteners through her hair one final time.

Let's move to the terrace, where Leonato is trying, and failing, to grasp what Dogberry is rambling on about.

‘Can't you see I'm busy?' he snaps. ‘Get to the point.'

‘Sir, we've misapprehended two villains,' Dogberry explains. ‘Now we need you to cross-quiz them.'