“I know. I’m sorry. She said she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She threatened to inflict bodily harm to many parts of my anatomy.” His eyebrows rose as if he were pondering the vicious warning.
I bit my lip to stifle my smile. My aunt could be very intimidating. After all, she had raised three boys, and they were still a handful as adults, so I could see why she always needed to be in control.
Aunt Lucie was such a strong, loving mother. One moment, she could hold me while I wept, and the next, she would be throwing herself right into the middle of three teenage boys with raging testosterone.
So many happy memories of my aunt raising my cousins came to mind. I was so very mad at her for keeping such a tremendous, heartbreaking secret from me during those first few days after the accident when she’d had the chance to tell me. Deep down though, I knew I could not hold her fully responsible for not telling me after I had left Colorado.
“Okay.” I exhaled heavily, letting the tension from my shoulders drop. It was time. I could no longer avoid the conversation awaiting me in the other room.
Kyle tightened his arms around my waist. “You can do this, Lily,” he said confidently, his eyes never leaving mine.
He kissed me softly. I would have given anything to stay frozen in that moment.
“I hope so.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m going to freshen up in the bathroom. Can you tell Aunt Lucie that I’ll be out shortly?” I asked, trying to put on a brave face.
“Sure thing.” He kissed my forehead and let me go.
At the door, he turned back to face me with a smile. The sunlight beaming into the room from the hallway window outlined his large frame, and my breath caught in my throat. He was so beautiful, inside and out. As though he had a direct line to my heart, he could make it beat wildly out of control, or he could calm it down to a slow rhythm. Right now, his reassuring smile soothed me while filling me with courage.
“Good luck, beautiful,” he said. “I’ll be out on the back patio if you need me.”
I nodded. “Okay, thank you.”
After he shut the door, I stood there, rooted in my spot. Fear had an ugly face today, but I refused to be swallowed by defeat after coming this far. I’d promised myself that every time nerves and reservations arose, I’d shove them deep into a box and seal it tight.
I turned on my heel and walked into the bathroom. Grabbing my toothbrush, I applied toothpaste and began to brush my teeth as thoughts of my Aunt Lucie weighed heavily on my mind.
What am I going to say to her? How do I let go of my anger and hurt? And how could she keep something like that from me for so long? About my own sister?
I shook my head and kept brushing.
What if she asks me about the house?
I needed to tell her anyway, so my family could gather their belongings from the house. They might want to go through and take a few keepsakes for themselves, too.
How will she react? Will she be mad? What if the reality of me letting go of the home worsens our fragile relationship?
I stopped brushing my teeth before I wore away all the enamel. As I brushed my hair and put it into a messy bun, I considered that maybe my aunt would do all the talking. Maybe she was here to apologize and explain her side. I could sit quietly and listen, just taking it all in.
I let out an exasperated breath. My nerves and my emotions were out of control. I did not want to talk or listen. I wanted to avoid it. Old habits were fighting hard against me. My so-called sealed box was already failing me.
Absentmindedly, I walked over to the bed and sat down. Before I could change my clothes, I needed to gather my thoughts for a moment.
How am I supposed to move on with my life if I can’t even have an adult conversation?
I folded my hands in my lap and fought back the tears threatening to escape.
Why me? Why all of this? What good could have possibly come out of so much heartache and loss?
I felt crushed and beaten. I did not understand the world around me, especially life and death.
Why do some people beat the impossible odds and others don’t?
I supposed I just had to trust that everything happened for a reason, even when it was a hard truth to accept.
I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath. The thought of seeing Aunt Lucie triggered the unbearable pain I often felt when remembering the night I lost my family, and the pain only grew now that I knew a whole other life, a life that never had the chance to begin, had been lost. It was just unthinkable and unfair.
Like a strike of lightning, a tremor ripped through my heart, breaking it open. My tears betrayed me as they slowly streamed down my cheeks.
The door gradually creaked open, and I hurriedly wiped the tears from my face, but they kept coming. I knew who it was before I even turned to look. Our eyes met as she stood motionless in the doorway. Aunt Lucie’s expression changed from hesitation to guilt and then to sorrow.
Her steps were slow and deliberate as she walked to the bed. I noticed a slight tremble in her hands. Silently, she knelt before me as I sat perfectly still on the bed. She closed her eyes and bowed her head as tears started to trickle down her face.
The passing seconds felt like hours.
She raised her head to meet my eyes. “Lily…” Her voice was a bit hoarse from crying. She paused as her chest shook from a small sob. “I’m so, so very sorry. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you. It has haunted me every single day for the last three years. I…I just couldn’t hurt you more when you were already grieving from so much loss…an unimaginable amount of loss…and I just couldn’t…” She dropped her head again, shaking it from side to side. “I couldn’t tell you that another precious life had been lost,” she said sadly.
After a brief minute of silence, she tilted her head up to meet my eyes, and I could see her pain as more tears flowed freely down her face.
I felt the blood pumping into my extremities, and my emotions were tugging me into a hundred different directions. It hurt so much to listen to this. I wanted to cry and scream and rip the intolerable pain from my chest.
Instead, I sat and listened, knowing that my aunt needed to clear the air.
“Please don’t be mad at your uncle or your cousins. They wanted to tell you so many times, but they respected my decision. I felt it was my responsibility to be the one to tell you. Sometimes, I wish I would have listened to them and let one of them talk to you. It could have been over and out in the open. But I fought myself, not knowing how much more heartache you could endure. You were so fragile during those few days after the accident. One of the hardest moments in my life was watching you suffer through so much despair in your young life. My heart broke in two that day we lost our family. I also grieved for my husband and sons mourning over the loss, but mostly, for you, Lily. To know that you had been left alone to find your own way in this world clouded my judgment from telling you the truth…and I’m so sorry.” She paused. “So, so sorry,” she whispered.
I blinked and wiped tears from my eyes. I forgot my aunt had a way with words. They stripped me raw and awoke very powerful feelings within me. Being honest with myself, I knew that she might be right. That news would have been more than I could have handled at the time, and it was another painful truth to accept.
Those few days after the accident were awful. I always tried to block them from my mind, or the memories would take me straight into an unforgiving darkness, and I never wanted to go there. I wanted to be in the light, surrounded by love and life. I was running in that direction, claiming my life, one step at a time.
“In some ways, I think you’re right,” I said softly.
Aunt Lucie’s eyes widened at my statement. Bravely, I sank to my knees next to her on the hardwood floor. I took her hand in mine, letting forgiveness wash over me.
“I’m not saying that it was the best way to handle it, but I think you were correct in foreseeing that it would have been more than I could bear.”
Aunt Lucie nodded, blinking back tears. Her face was etched with newfound hope, as if her silent prayer had been answered.
“I hope we can move past this horrible tragedy and mend our relationship. You will always be a part of our family, Lily. I don’t want you to feel like you are alone.” She took a deep breath. “I know you have no intentions of moving back here, but we hope you will visit, and wherever you might end up, we would like to come see you, too. I want us to still be a family.”
Her optimistic words made me want to dream of a better future, one that included me surrounded by my family, visiting and laughing like we used to. I sincerely hoped that us all being together would feel natural again someday.
I closed my eyes and nodded. “I want that, too,” I said thoughtfully. “These past three years have been the worst and loneliest of my life. Leaving everything behind was what I had to do at the time. I needed distance in order to grieve and cope in my own way. But now, I want to move forward.” I put my hand over my heart. “I want this ache to go away. It hurts so much all the time, but it’s hard to think about a bright future when I can’t let go…” I whispered, lowering my head. “I can’t let go of them.”
Aunt Lucie placed her hand on my shoulder. “Can’t let go of them? Or don’t want to? You don’t have to let go per say, Lily. You just have to manage those feelings,” she said, her voice just above a whisper.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I hesitated, getting lost in my thoughts.
No, I don’t want to let go of them. They were mine, my family. I can’t imagine letting them go.
I felt ashamed for even considering it.
“Both,” I breathed.
She nodded. “That is understandable. In our lives, we all do what we feel is best or necessary. You were dealt a very difficult hand in life. You will always hurt over the loss, but you will learn to take the precious moments you all had together and view them as beloved memories, not a profound loss. As we all have to do, you will learn how to cope in a more positive way over time. It is my dearest wish that you will live a happy and full life as you were meant to.”
I blinked as her words went around and around in my mind. I looked beyond my aunt, gazing out my bedroom window. I focused on the light blue sky and white clouds as I went off into my thoughts.
Beloved memories
, I tried to tell myself,
not loss
.
I shook my head and sighed. It was only morning, and I was already feeling so overwhelmed. “I’m going to try. I want to live a full life, too. I will no longer hide, and I’ll stay in better contact with you and the rest of the family, too.” I smiled softly at my aunt.
Her eyes glowed as she smiled. She stood, and I rose to my feet.
Aunt Lucie opened her arms for a hug, and I closed the distance between us. I was relieved we had effectively worked our way through that conversation.
“I feel so much better now that we talked, dear. Thank you for giving me the chance to explain myself to you,” she said.
I took in a deep breath. I was relieved that we had cleared the air, too, but it was my turn now to inform her of my intentions. “You’re welcome. Oh, and I wanted to talk to you about the house. I’ve decided to list it with a realtor while I am here. I hope that’s okay with everyone, but I felt like it’s time to let it go.” I twisted my hands together nervously.
She softly placed her hand on top of mine as she gave me a reassuring smile. “Of course, dear. We always thought you would sell the house when you were ready. We never expected you to keep it if you didn’t want to. You have your own journey to live. Just let us know if there is anything we can do, and we’d be happy to help.”
Inwardly, I sighed in relief. “I’ve gone through the majority of the house, except for the garage and one bedroom.” I smiled at my Aunt Lucie. “Thank you.”
She pulled me in for another hug before stepping back slightly. Her eyes glittered with love. “We’ve missed you so much, dear.” She cupped my cheek fondly. “You have grown into such a beautiful young woman.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
At the sound of a soft tap, we both turned our heads to see Kyle standing inside the doorway.
“I made some eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast if you ladies would like to come and eat.”
“That sounds great.” I turned to Aunt Lucie. “Would you like to join us for breakfast?”
“Oh no, that’s okay. You kids go ahead and eat. I have to get home. Uncle Dan is cleaning out the garage today, and he wants to go to the store and buy a new leaf blower.” She shook her head and laughed. “You know how your uncle gets about buying new tools. He’s probably pacing at the door with excitement,” she said as she slowly made her way to the doorway.
I followed, recalling how many toys my uncle owned. He had a tool for everything, and each one had a specific spot in the garage.
We both stopped in front of Kyle. He began searching my eyes, no doubt making sure I was okay.
“Okay. Well, thank you for coming by,” Kyle said to Lucie.
“Of course,” she replied. “Would you two like to join us for dinner tonight? We’re going to grill hamburgers and brats. Jane called last night to let us know that A.J. came home yesterday to visit, and Meg has Thursday and Friday off school, so she’ll be driving home today after her morning classes. They’ll both be here through the weekend. I thought it would be lovely to have everyone together.”
The thought of seeing Meg and A.J. was really nice, but having dinner with everyone like we used to was going to hurt because it would be the first time without my whole family. I knew though that it was something I could not refuse.
I nodded and put on a smile. “Sure.”
“Thank you. It will be wonderful to see everyone together. Shall we say around five?” she suggested.
“Sounds great.”
We all walked down the stairs and to the front door to say our good-byes. After Aunt Lucie left, I silently made my way to the kitchen, and I could smell the eggs and bacon. The breakfast platter was in the center of the table with my mom’s white plates. Next to them was a bowl of fresh strawberries.
I sat down at the kitchen table, replaying the conversation with Aunt Lucie. I felt better that our feelings were out in the open, but at the same time, I was overwhelmed.