“Yes.” Jason nodded sheepishly and stepped back. “Don’t get mad, Lil. We were hoping to have a good-bye party here.” His eyes searched mine skeptically.
I instantly knew he was waiting for me to panic.
He shifted his stance nervously. “We thought it would be a way to say good-bye, you know, to you and the house. Is that okay with you?”
My lungs tightened. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Kyle’s nervous stare fixated on me. Jason’s expression matched Kyle’s.
I didn’t want a party, but I was tired of seeing the same look of pity and worry in everyone’s eyes. They acted as if I might break. I wanted the new me to be strong.
I nodded after convincing myself first. “Okay.”
Jason’s eyebrows rose halfway up his forehead. He looked like a boy who had just gotten his favorite cookie. Actually, instead of a cookie, a four-wheeler playdate would be more fitting for Jason. “Okay? As in, yes?”
I nodded again and tried to give a convincing smile to go along with it. “Yes.”
“Wow,” Jason said.
Bear hug number two was even more painful.
“Jason!” I yelped.
When he pulled back, holding me at arm’s length, I laughed.
“Sorry!” he said in relief. “Oh, girl, you are going to make my mom’s whole week. Between fretting about this party and whether you’d come back or not, she’s been driving us up the wall all week.”
I frowned. I didn’t want to be the cause of Aunt Lucie stress, especially if she felt uneasy about me returning. We had patched up our relationship, but I had to admit that it still seemed fragile.
“She misses you,” Jason said softly. “Not just because you’re moving, but she misses the closeness you two shared. She’d do anything to get it back.”
I blinked, feeling tears threaten. With three boys, Annie and I were like the daughters Aunt Lucie never had.
“I feel the same, too,” I answered quietly, missing the connection we had shared.
Kyle stood and walked to my side. His hand gently settled on my shoulder. “Maybe you two could spend a day together while we’re here,” he suggested.
I smiled up at him. His thoughtful side was never far away.
“That would be wonderful.” My eyes brightened. “We could bake together or go shopping.”
Kyle and Jason both laughed at the same time.
“Big surprise there,” Jason teased, still amused. “Do you guys want to come over for dinner tonight? We could throw some steaks on the grill.”
Jason and steaks went together harmoniously.
Seeing my family sounded like a great time. But I needed to deal with Annie’s room first. I needed to finish, or I would have a heavy heart until I did. I didn’t want anything weighing me down when I visited with my family before I left.
“Not today. Maybe tomorrow?” I offered.
Jason looked guilty again. “Uh, tomorrow was supposed to be the party, Lily.”
I held back a chuckle. It was funny to see such a big guy all tied up in knots. After twenty or so years of him picking on me, I decided to mess with him just a bit.
“Tomorrow?” I stepped back in astonishment, mouth gaping.
Jason’s expression went from nervous to freaking out in nanoseconds.
This is going to be good.
“Lily, I’m so sorry.” Jason shook his head remorsefully. “I’m so sorry. What can I do to help?”
“Who’s going to clean and cook and finish the yard? There is so much to be done in such little time.” I laid it on thick as I stifled a laugh.
When I saw Kyle’s lip twitching in amusement, I scowled at him.
He better not give me away.
Besides, there was a lot of preparation to do before tomorrow.
“I can do all that.” Jason shrugged easily. “No worries. You just tell me what you want done, and I’ll be here.”
Kyle dropped his head near my ear. “Slave driver,” he murmured.
My mask faltered. “Okay, deal.”
“Deal?” Jason’s eyes turned suspicious and a grin broke free. “I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”
“Yep.” I snorted, unable to help myself.
Kyle joined in on the mirth.
Jason shook his head in disbelief. “And I thought you were the sweet one. I better go before you have me cleaning the floors and baseboards, or some crazy shit like that.”
Kyle started rolling with laughter.
“See you bright and early tomorrow.” I smirked innocently.
Once Jason closed the door, Kyle pulled me into his arms and nuzzled my throat.
“Slave driver?” I pushed back, making him chuckle again.
Kyle pulled me tighter against his solid chest. “Definitely.”
I looked up at him. “Should I give you your honey-do list now, too?”
“Oh no! That was between you and Jason.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to convince you.”
“I have no doubt about that.” He kissed me passionately. “You know I can’t say no to you.”
I kissed him. Kyle’s warm, sweet kisses were never to be turned down. They stirred something deep within me.
“So, what do you want to do now?” he asked kindly.
I frowned, knowing it was time. I exhaled on a sigh. “Annie’s room.”
***
My body felt rigid and stiff as I walked up the stairs. My labored breathing came in and out in shaky breaths. Dread filled every dark corner inside me. I tried to reassure myself that it would get better from here on out. I wanted to be strong, but the profound pain and fear were so powerful.
Tears blurred my vision as I twisted the doorknob. I pivoted to give Kyle one last glance before I walked in. I desperately wanted to pull all of his strength inside me.
He had fought to come in with me, but I’d told him that this was something I needed to do on my own. Right now, I was heavily regretting that decision along with every decision that led me here.
Kyle nodded in support, standing tall and reassuringly. He urged me to go forward. I inhaled deeply, taking in all the air I could possibly hold in, as I stepped over the threshold.
Annie’s room looked just as I remembered. Her walls had been painted in shades of pastel pink, and the windows were covered in flowing white curtains. My eyes caught on the daisies on her comforter. I remembered lying on her bed and laughing together so many times. With each glance around the room, a tender memory filled my mind, creating another sharp pain in my heart.
My legs carried me to the bed first. I smoothed my palms across the bedding and slowly sat down. In that moment, I knew the bed was coming with me. It was part of me, part of us. It was filled with so many remembrances of countless sleepovers, late-night pillow fights, stories, tears, laughter, and hugs.
It all rushed to my mind. I smiled, trying to treasure each one, as I closed my eyes and let my thoughts run free.
I remembered taking all the blankets from the house and piling them into Annie’s room. We had made the largest tent, using her furniture and tape to secure the blankets. After rummaging the house for flashlights, we had placed three of them in the tent with us. Annie had precisely angled down the last one from her bookshelf. She had said it was a shooting star, and we needed to make a wish.
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Sobs crashed through my body like ocean waves hitting against solid rocks. Each one felt harder than the last. The heavy ache in my chest hurt felt as if it were crushing me. I laid my face against the soft cotton comforter and let the pain and grief consume me. It just didn’t seem fair. I missed her so, so much.
I would give anything to have Annie back. I wanted to feel her warm arms embrace me in a loving hug. I wanted to tell her how much I love her one more time.
But that was the horrible fact of life. We never knew when it would be the last day. And we didn’t always get to tell all the things we wanted to say get to say good-bye or.
The bed dipped. A familiar hand tenderly caressed my back. I cried harder, letting out everything I had to give.
It felt as though time stayed still. I let go of all my feelings of loss, regret, hatred, and the what-ifs that I could never change. The thoughts continued to pour out of my heart, crashing and tearing from all the lost possibilities that could never happen. Each passing one felt as though it was leaving a mark in my soul. My heart broke in half at the intensity and depth of my sorrow and heartache.
When I was unable to shed another tear, my eyes dried, and the only thing left behind was a constant ache. I sat upright and brought air into my lungs. I winced at the dryness in my throat and the unbearable pressure on my mind.
Kyle sat next to me silently, looking deep into my eyes. Those brownish-green eyes that I loved so much were full of compassion and tenderness. I could feel his misery at seeing me so shattered. His posture was slightly tense, and I knew it was from seeing me so wounded as I mourned my family.
I felt slightly better after letting it all out. The deep sense of loss would always be there, but as I looked around the room. I no longer felt like I was suffocating.
Shifting closer, I kissed his cheek with the same gentleness he had given me. “Thank you,” I whispered.
His hands wrapped around my waist, and he lifted me onto his lap. I curled my arms and legs around his back, straddling him, until I felt like I couldn’t possibly get any closer.
His presence calmed me. It gave me a sense of serenity and comfort and hope for a future. It would be a future without my family, but I wanted to believe they were still with me in every aspect of my life—watching over me, guiding me, experiencing my life with me. In my heart, past the sadness, I knew that it was true.
From somewhere deep within, I found the strength to do what needed to be done. As I stood and carried my legs across the room, I could feel Kyle’s eyes on my back, sending me courage, and I prayed for it to carry over into me. I pressed my hands together to ease my shaking as I took step after step, making my way across the room. Each step felt so small.
For some unknown and strange reason, I decided to be overly brave and start with what I felt would be the hardest part—her desk. Annie had loved taking photos, collecting keepsakes, and writing in her journal. She’d felt that every moment should be documented and remembered. Now, I was more thankful than ever before for her overbearing journalism.
As I knelt down, a small smile spread across my face. I knew her most treasured keepsake box was hiding underneath the chair at the desk. My hands met soft fabric. I remembered it had a floral pattern that she had glued herself by hand. She had picked each precious piece with a reason. Her personality and character were attached to the box.
I took a shaky deep breath and opened the big box. It was completely filled to the rim with albums, photographs, and journals.
All the air left my lungs at the sight of the top picture. It was one of the weekends when we had camped out in our backyard. In the photo, Annie and I were sitting in our backyard on our one and only hammock. Wrapped in a blanket that we both loved so much, we were smiling up at the camera with our hair twisted up into sloppy buns. I could see we were wearing our matching hoodies that we’d begged Mom for on our last family vacation.
Annie had been so beautiful. Her spirit had truly glowed. Her heart had touched everyone she’d come in contact with. She hadn’t needed makeup or fancy clothes. She’d had natural beauty through her heart, body, and soul.
I closed my eyes as tears began blurring my vision. Unsure of how my tear ducts could possibly shed any more, I inhaled a steady breath. Death was always the feared, unthinkable part of life. At some point though, we would all experience it. The worst part was being unable to stop it. We couldn’t save ourselves or everyone else from the pain. There were no words to describe it. It was just unimaginable loss and emptiness.
My heart felt empty, my body was drained, and my mind was foggy with a strong sense of longing that couldn’t be fulfilled. When we lost someone dear, we could never have that person back. For me, acceptance was one of the hardest things in life. I didn’t want to allow it, but in my heart, I knew that I needed to. It was part of a process, part of a plan.
As I looked around Annie’s room, I knew this was my path to closure. For a moment, I focused on her white Victorian dresser with her favorite necklaces hanging off the corner of her mirror. Sorting through each personal belonging that she had treasured, each piece of furniture that she had used was going to be the way I could free myself as well as each of my family members.
I promised myself that no matter how hard it would be, no matter how much I would want to quit and run, I was going to finish.
Forcing myself out of my thoughts, I looked back on the picture of us in the hammock. On that particular night, I remembered the fire glowing around us as we had sat in that hammock until the sun rose. We had talked and talked about everything from boys to family to the friendships we had made during our first year apart as freshmen in college.
Annie had loved people. She had built friendships so easily. When she saw someone hurting or struggling, her compassion had instantly poured out of her. Whenever someone just needed a friend to listen, Annie had been that person. She had always given her heart unconditionally.
Kyle sat down next to me as I flipped to the next picture and laughed as the memory played out in my mind. It was a photo of our parents, Annie, and me in the middle of making breakfast over the fire the next morning.
Turning the picture so he could see it, I looked up at him. “My family and I had camped out in the backyard the night before this was taken,” I said with affection.
Kyle reached for the picture to have a better look.
“Annie made us cook breakfast outside, not in the house. In the middle of making breakfast, Annie forced us to take a family picture. We all looked at her like she had grown horns.”
I shook my head. “That was our Annie. She always made us take time to capture
each
moment.”
I took the next picture in my hand and placed it in Kyle’s.
“This is one I took of Annie that same day during breakfast. She had a mouthful of eggs, as you can see, and her eyes were bulging out of her head.”