Authors: Hazel Kelly
Chapter 10: Shane
I felt
like such a jackass leaving her there.
The
last thing I wanted was her waking up at the frat house by herself and thinking
I'd abandoned her.
Which
struck me as funny since I slipped out in the morning without waking girls all
the time and never thought twice about it before.
But
for some inexplicable reason, I didn’t want to
miss
Andi's sleepy morning face, didn’t want to miss the first scratchy word out of
her mouth.
And
of course I was curious to see how she looked in my t-shirt without a bra on
underneath because I'd been thinking about her tits on and off since she
started hiding them from me a decade ago.
Not
that I could help it.
Frankly,
I couldn’t see how any man who was ever lucky enough to see the sparkle in her dark
eyes or the way her slightly lopsided smile lit up her face wouldn't want to
see more of her. Or everything.
Regardless,
I didn't have much choice.
I
may have been a jackass for leaving her, but I would've been an even bigger
jackass if I'd blown off charity duty.
Not
only had I not missed a game in the last three years, but I enjoyed it.
Basically,
a few of my frat brothers and I played wheelchair basketball with a group of
high school aged guys from the surrounding area.
In
the beginning, they used to kick our ass all the time because none of us could
maneuver our wheelchairs for shit, but we'd improved enough that it was finally
competitive.
And
while the main reason for showing up every three Sundays was for the kids, it made
me grateful.
When
I was young, I took my health and athleticism for granted. And sports were
everything to me.
It
broke my heart to think it was so much harder for these guys- who I'm sure
needed sport as much as I did- to find people to play pickup games with.
So
it was the least I could do to give back.
What's
more, it was humbling, and humility was something I wanted to get better at.
After
all, sophomore year I started becoming kind of a dick as a result of so many
women throwing themselves at me.
And
I didn't want to become a typical fraternity jerk. I wanted to be a good guy
with his feet on the ground who just happened to be in a frat.
Fortunately,
Izzy and Andi called me out pretty quick, and I got back on track to becoming a
well-rounded person whose ego fit comfortably through doorways and in rooms
without high ceilings.
Which
was good. Because what would be the point of busting my ass to get an education
if I became an unbearable prick in the process?
I
wiped the sweat off my face with my shirt and said good game to the other guys,
matching their appetite for talking smack at the same time. Then I poured some
Gatorade down my throat and glanced at the clock.
It
was 10:30. Surely Andi had gotten my note by now.
All
it said was where I'd gone to and that I'd call her later, but I'd left it
right by my pillow so she'd see it in the same breath that she realized I was
gone.
I
was going to add that I had a great time last night, but it seemed too vague
and sleazy considering the situation that had brought her to my doorstep in the
first place.
But
that didn't mean it wasn't true.
I
had enjoyed myself. I knew I shouldn't be surprised at how much since she was one
of my oldest friends, but her company was so refreshing.
I
was so used to being around women that were dick hungry posers, their every
word designed to manipulate, seduce, or fish for compliments.
But
Andi wasn't like that.
She
didn't throw herself at me or show up in so much makeup I was worried about
finding rogue eyelashes in my bed. She breathed normally- without trying to
suck in her stomach and stick out her chest- and she treated me like a regular
person.
Best
of all, she actually had a few brain cells to rub together and could hold a
conversation about something other than the life and times of reality TV stars.
The only downside was that time always passed by too quickly when I was with
her.
And
that made me want more of it.
In
fact, when the thought crossed my mind that she might want space while she was
getting over this whole thing with Mike, I felt my throat close up.
Because
if there was anything I'd learned last night- besides the fact that our lips
seemed to fit together so perfectly I wished I'd tried them on properly- it was
that I'd spent enough time away from her, and I was sick of it.
I
wanted her back in my life in a big way. She was good for me. I knew it in my
head, and I could feel it in every part of my body when she was around.
She
made me laugh. She made me forget myself. She made me horny as fuck.
And
I hated the idea that when she was ready to move on, it might not be with me.
Yes, it was a problematic, complicated idea, but weren't some of the best ideas
like that?
I
knew as soon as I'd kissed that sad crack in her lip that I wanted to be the
guy to make her forget about him, the guy to show her how she should be
treated.
And
no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that it was a bad idea to lust
after one of my oldest friends- my sister's best friend no less- I knew that
there wasn't a jerkoff within two hundred miles of campus that could look after
her like I could.
Which
meant that maybe- for both our sakes- this was an itch I ought to seriously
consider scratching.
Otherwise,
I'd always wonder what if…
What
if I really kissed her? Would she kiss me back?
What
if that awkwardness between us as teens was down to something real, something we
both felt and had been denying for years?
Then
again, there was a chance that if I went for it, she would completely reject me
and it would piss her and my sister off to the point that my life would be hell
for a while.
Or
maybe she'd just laugh it off.
Perhaps
I could find some way to come on to her that would make it easy for her make a
joke out of it if she wasn't up for it.
It
was hard to guess what would happen, especially because I didn't know her as
well as I used to.
All
I knew was that I wanted a chance to get to know her again.
And
I promised myself that if I had even one moment of doubt as to whether I could
love her better than anyone else, I'd back off.
But
something told me that wasn’t going to happen.
Chapter 11: Andi
I
laid around in Shane's bed a little longer than I should have, letting my eyes
scan and memorize the room.
After
all, I'd probably never wake up in his bed again, and it was fun to be that girl
for a few minutes, that girl that wakes up in an unfamiliar room after an
incredible night with a stranger.
Though
he was far from it.
Then
again, last night had been special, but even if the feeling I had in my gut was
only our friendship being rekindled, it was still worth it. Still progress.
Eventually,
I heard movement and voices in the house, and the awkward notion of still being
there when he got back began to overshadow the comfort I got from laying my
head on his pillow, his note clutched in my hand.
I
got up and dressed, carefully folding the shorts and t-shirt he'd let me borrow
so he'd know I hadn't stolen them.
I
considered washing and returning them, but I figured I was as weak as the girls
I'd heard him complain about who never returned his stuff after spending the
night. And seeing how he'd so selflessly returned my stuff to me yesterday, it
only seemed fair to show him the same respect.
Once
I'd gathered my things, I poked my head into the hallway. The coast was clear
so I pulled the door shut quietly and crossed the landing to the stairs.
There
were guys all over the place on the ground floor, but no one seemed phased by
my creeping around. I still flinched, though, when the heavy front door
squeaked as I opened it out onto the porch.
Before
I reached the sidewalk in front of the house, two other girls came out behind
me. They were both in tight dresses with their heels in their hands.
I
suspect they were still drunk from the night before based on the vacant stares
they gave me before turning the other way.
That's
when I realized I was so far from the walk of shame stereotype there was no
reason to be awkward.
If
anything it was a walk of pride I was enjoying, though I suppose I would’ve
been even more proud if something had actually happened considering what an
incredible guy Shane was.
Still,
that kiss was the most exciting thing I’d been part of in a long time. Sure, I
felt pathetic for reading into a "make it better kiss" like that, but
I couldn't deny how it made me feel.
It
felt- for lack of a better word- loaded.
I
mean, no one had ever held a gun to my head, for example, but I like to think
I'd be able to tell whether it was loaded or not, whether there was intent
behind the threat.
And
that kiss felt loaded. Like there was an intent- an energy- behind it. Like the
slightest flinch from either of us might've caused an explosion.
But
it was probably only wishful thinking.
And
I knew I shouldn't allow myself to make wishes like that, wishes that could
never come true, wishes that made it hard for me to be a good friend.
Shane
and I would never go there. Could never. We'd been frolicking in the friend
zone for so long the doors to other possibilities had rusted and grown over
with moss.
There
was no getting out of this. There was no more to come. This was it, and I'd be
a fool to be ungrateful for what we had.
Plus,
Izzy would be crushed.
They'd
gone to so much trouble to make sure I never felt like the third wheel when we
were little. And as teens, she and I had been conscious to never make Shane
feel like that either. So even if he liked me like that, I couldn't do that to
her.
I
turned the corner and crossed to the sunny side of the street, enjoying the
warmth on my face as I dodged the occasional curbside evidence of other
people’s overindulgent Saturday night.
Besides,
what if it didn't work out?
I
liked to think of myself as an optimist, but the majority of romantic
relationships failed.
Therefore,
it was too big a risk to even consider.
Up
to this point, I'd been very lucky in my life. My birth was a fluke in itself.
Then I'd managed to pull through the complications I had after birth.
I
walked away without a scratch when I was playing Skip-It in the driveway and a
drunk driver ploughed into our mailbox, and I'd only sprained my ankle when I
fell off the neighbor's trampoline.
And
then there was getting away from Mike last night before he really hurt me and
the time that, well, the list went on and on when it came to times I got lucky.
And
someday if my luck ran out, I couldn't risk it being related to my relationship
with Shane.
He
was my rock, the force that kept my compass pointing north.
Without
him, I was much more likely to lose my way, or worse, myself.
I
probably imagined the energy behind that kiss anyway because I was fragile and
confused after all the excitement yesterday.
And
I was pretty lame for reading into it so much when all he'd done was show me a
bit of compassion when I needed it. A better use of my energy would be toning
down my desperation for his attention.
Because
that could put our friendship at risk, too, and right now, I needed him.
I'd
never say that, of course. It was too needy. But in my heart, I knew that
spending time with him was the best way for me to reconnect with the Andi I was
before Mike broke me down.
Because
no one lifted me like Shane. No one made me feel more myself, more capable. And
I needed that right now more than I needed anything else.
I'd
just pushed my apartment door open when my phone rang. It was Izzy.
I
closed the door behind me before answering. "Hi."
"Did
you just wake up?"
"No,"
I said, clearing my throat. "I just haven't talked to anyone today
yet."
"I
thought you were going to call me back last night?"
I
slumped on the couch, feeling weak as soon as I hit the worn cushions. "Yeah,
sorry about that. I was too busy breaking up with Mike."
"Shit,
Andi. I'm sorry."
"It's
fine. Really."
"Are
you okay?"
"I’m
better than I'd be if I stayed with him." I didn't want to tell her
anything more, didn't want to admit to anyone that last night wasn't the first
time he'd scared the shit out of me.
I
knew she'd freak and tell me I deserved better. And as nice as that was to
hear, the important thing was that I was starting to believe it myself.
"How
did he take it?" she asked.
"Like
a complete prick."
"
Mmm
."
"But
he's out of the picture now, so I'll be toasting to my fresh start right after
I have some breakfast."
"What
about Stephanie?"
"She's
away this weekend at some kind of religious retreat that God's always wanted
her to go on."
"Why
didn't you tell me? This would've been the perfect weekend for me to come
down."
"She
didn't tell me she was going until the last minute."
"Well,
I do want to come again soon, especially since we didn't get to hang out much last
time
cause
Mike was a shitty sharer."
"Yeah,
sorry. I promise we'll make up for lost time. Any weekend you want. Just give
me a heads up."
"Sounds
good.”
I
smiled. It was amazing how my best friend’s voice could make the world stop
spinning.
“And
for the record, I'm glad you're moving on,” she said. “You can do so much
better."
"I
know." I slipped my sandals off and put my feet on the edge of the coffee
table.
"Okay,
well, I'm glad you're okay. I got The Ink when you didn't call."
I rolled
my eyes. The Ink. Short for inklings. It was a pet name Izzy had for her gut
feelings and intuition, which were often eerily accurate.
For
a long time, she only got inklings when it came to Shane. I figured it was some
weird twin thing. But after a few years, she started getting them about me,
too- claimed it was all down to frequencies and energy.
So
it was no surprise at all to hear her
spidey
sense
was going ape shit last night.