Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (23 page)

The idea of never getting that hug stung a little more
than I thought it would, but I agreed with her. Too much had passed between us,
too much bitterness and resentment, to ever form a functional relationship.
Besides, she is not my mother, and now we
both
know that. Moving on is the best option for both of us. Moving on with no animosity
on either side, is perfect.

“I appreciate you coming, Jocelyn,” I added, forcing
her name out on my tongue. “I’m sorry Chris and I couldn’t be the children you
wanted.”

“You were wonderful children,” she admitted with a
sigh. “You just weren’t
my
children.”
I closed my eyes and nodded. She hoped I’d understand, and to an extent, I did.
I saw the point she was making, but I couldn’t sympathise with it. There will
always be room in my heart to love others whether they are bound by blood or
not. Maybe, as Chris once told me, that’s a trait I got from my
real
mother. “Goodbye, Emily.”

“Goodbye, Jocelyn.”

And that was the last time I would probably ever see
her. I’d spent my whole life trying to please her, trying to make her proud,
trying to get her to
love
me. And
now? Now I felt free.

Turning my back on Jocelyn, I walked slowly back over
to Chris’ grave. The priest was gone and people were chattering between
themselves. Guess I must’ve missed the big finale, but I knew Chris wouldn’t
mind.

“Everything okay?” Dexter asked, snaking an arm around
my waist.

“Yeah,” I said, smiling a little. “Everything’s going
to be just fine.”

Dexter smiled, seeming appeased. I would fill him in
properly later when we were alone. But first I had to get through the wake.
There is a small pub near our house that Chris used to visit frequently before
he got sick, so my dad hired out a section of it for today. He was putting on a
free bar and buffet so I was sure a fair few people would attend.

“Um, guys?” Rachel said nervously, looking up at us
with squinting eyes. “I’m sorry to ruin all the funeral fun, but… my waters
broke about fifteen minutes ago.”

“WHAT!” I yelled. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Oh God, oh God,” Jared chanted in the background,
hovering around Rachel like she was going to explode. “Right, okay. Oh God.
Okay, we’ve got this. Oh God I don’t know what to do.”

“How about shutting the fuck up!” Rachel snapped.

“Dex, get Sarah,” I ordered. He saluted me and went
straight off to find her. Kneeling down on the damp grass, I put my hands on
Rachel’s knees. “Are you in any pain?”

“Yes,” she muttered, wincing. “I’ve been getting these
cramps on and off all day.”

“Why didn’t you say something, Rach?” I asked, calmly
this time.

“Because you were getting ready to bury your brother.
I thought I could hold out a little longer but… AH, FUCK!” She clutched her
belly. “I can’t.”

“Oh thank God,” Jared said, still pacing back and
forth and alerting us to the fact Sarah had arrived. She scurried over to us
and squatted down beside me.

“So, your waters have broken?” Sarah asked in that
comforting voice most nurses seem to have.

“I think so,” Rachel replied. “Actually I
know
so. I’ve never taken a piss that
big before in my life. It
has
to be
my waters.”

“Okay, honey. Let’s get you back to my house and I’ll
examine you while we wait for an ambulance to arrive.”

“But it’s too early,” Jared flustered. “They’re not
due for another three weeks.” The panic in Jared’s face only confirmed how much
he adored Rachel and his two daughters.

“That’s not uncommon with twins,” Sarah assured. “They
run out of room a lot faster than a single baby.”

“Shit, we came in processional cars,” Dexter
remembered.

“My house is only across the street. It will probably
be more comfortable for Rachel if she doesn’t have to haul herself in and out
of a car for a journey that would only take a minute. You guys take her back to
the house. I’ll be right behind you once I’ve told Derek what’s happening.”

Jared was already speeding off with Rachel by the time
Sarah had finished talking. As me and Dexter caught up, running behind them, I
found myself being grateful of the fact I’d chosen to wear my black ballerina
pumps today. Sarah’s house really is close to the church, and although I didn’t
time us, it couldn’t have taken more than a couple of minutes to reach her
house. Dexter stepped past an uncomfortable looking Rachel and a terrified
Jared, and opened the front door with his spare key.

“Oh my Goooooooood! It’s getting so much worse,”
Rachel cried.

“Um…” Jared pondered, chewing on his lip and
scratching his head. It was kind of adorable. He was so nervous. “Breathe!” he
practically sang, as if he’d just had a light bulb spring on in his head. “Yes,
breathe. That’s supposed to help, right?”

“Of course I’m breathing, you dickhead!” Rachel
snapped, baring her teeth at him like a feral animal. Jared tapped his foot
nervously while his hand stuttered over Rachel’s shoulder. He so obviously
wanted to touch her, soothe her… but he was clearly also worried he would get a
punch in the face if he did.

“Jared, why don’t you move the coffee table out of the
way and we’ll make some room on the floor so she can get comfortable?” I
suggested. He nodded eagerly, pleased to have something to do. “Dex, you go and
fetch a quilt and some pillows from upstairs.”

“She has waterproof sheets too. I’ve seen them in the
cupboard where she keeps her kit.”

“Good. Get those too.”

I looked behind me at the sound of the door opening.
Sarah came barrelling through and went straight into midwife mode.

“I’ll just grab my kit from upstairs,” she said.

She was back down within a minute carrying a large
blue bag. Dexter followed behind her carrying plastic sheets and a duvet and he
spread them out across the floor, making a makeshift bed.

“Okay, honey I need you to lie down on the floor for
me and take your pants off.”

“I’m on it,” Jared said, scooping Rachel up from her
chair. She clung to him with her arms around his neck, her face scrunched up in
pain.

“Fuck it hurts. I didn’t think it’d get so bad so
quickly.”

“How often are you getting the pains?” Sarah asked
while she sanitised her hands and pulled on some clear gloves from her case.

“I don’t know. It seems like it only just stops and
then…oh my GOD!” she broke off, panting through the pain. “And then it comes
again!”

“Should I call an ambulance?” Jared asked, his face
crumpling with worry and panic.

“I already did, honey. It won’t be rushing because
she’s only in early labour.”

Once Rachel had slithered free from her wet leggings,
Sarah positioned herself on the floor in front of her.

“Okay, honey, I’m going to examine you now. Is that
okay?” Biting her lip, Rachel nodded and using her hands to grip her legs, she
spread her knees apart. With one hand on Rachel’s belly and one hand… down
there
, Sarah examined Rachel. She shook
her head as she pulled her hand free and then smiled at Rachel.

“I don’t think we have time to wait for that
ambulance,” she announced. “You’re already eight centimetres dilated.”

“Oh God that means they’re nearly here, right?” Jared
questioned, panic making his voice falter. “It said so in the book. Ten
centimetres, yes? That’s when they’re coming? Oh God, Rach, they’re coming.
You’re having our babies!”

“Don’t you think I KNOW that, you DICKHOLE?”

Jared knelt down beside her, making sure to keep a
slight distance. It was hard not to feel sorry for the poor guy. He was
nervous, excited, worried about the pain Rachel was in and he didn’t know what
to do.

“ARRRRGGGGGH!!! JESUS CHRIST! Oh please, please get them
out!”

“You’re doing really well, Rachel. Won’t be long now,
honey,” Sarah soothed. She started taking things out of her bag and setting
them out on one of the waterproof sheets before looking to Dexter. “Dex honey,
can you call 999 and tell them to hurry with that ambulance?” Dexter nodded and
pulled his mobile from his pocket.

“Why?” Jared urged, his eyes widening in alarm.
“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. So far everything is going just
fine. It’s just a precaution. Rachel is experiencing a fast labour and
sometimes that can distress the baby – or babies in your case. I think
these little girls will be here very soon and both Rachel and your daughters
will need a check up at the hospital.”

“Daughters,” Jared repeated, his face paling. “Oh my
God I’m having daughters. I’m going to be a daddy!”

“Oh PLEEEEEEEASE! Please help me! I can’t take it any
more!” Rachel cried, scrunching her face up in pain and fisting the quilt
underneath her. “They’re coming out! I know they are! I need to….ARRRRRGHHHH I
need to push!”

“Okay try and breathe for me, Rachel. I need to
examine you again. Don’t push until I say so.”

“I CAN’T FUCKING STOP IT!”

“Saffy baby, it’s okay,” Jared tried to assure before
making the mistake of stroking her back.

“DON”T TOUCH ME, ARSEHOLE!”

Sarah gave Jared a reassuring smile – a smile
that said Rachel’s behaviour is perfectly normal and that he shouldn’t feel bad
or worry. My arms ached to wrap themselves around Rachel. Her face was beaming
red, she was covered in sweat and her cries were shrill and desperate. But hell
if I was going to risk being punched in the face by the monster within her.

Dexter whispered to me that the ambulance was on its
way, and I nodded in acknowledgement and took hold of his hand. This had to be
one of the most exciting yet nerve-wracking experiences of my life. It was hard
to comprehend the fact that very soon, there would be two tiny humans in this
room.

“Okay, honey,” Sarah began, pulling her fingers free
from Rachel’s…
area.
“You’re ten
centimetres already. Next time you feel a pain coming, I need you to push right
down into your bottom for me. You’re going to have to try
really
hard because you don’t have the strength in your legs to
support you.”

Biting her lip, Rachel nodded fervently. Tears
streamed down her cheeks and her body started to shake.

“She’s shaking,” Jared noted. “Why’s she shaking? Is
she okay?”

“She’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal reaction,
especially for a woman experiencing such a fast labour. Her body’s going
through a lot right now and it’s probably just struggling to adapt so quickly.”

“Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!” Rachel screamed. Sarah put
her hand on Rachel’s belly and nodded to herself.

“I need you to push down for me now, Rachel.”

“I’m trying,” she whimpered. “Oh please get them out!”

“Try a little harder for me. Come on, honey. You can
do this.”

Rachel sucked in a deep breath and held it there while
she pushed. Her face was so red it looked like it was going to explode and her
entire body went rigid. Jared took hold of her hand and for the first time, she
didn’t look at him like she wanted to maim him. I did catch him wince however,
when Rachel started to push again and squeezed his hand until her knuckles
turned white.

“You’re doing great, Rach,” Jared said, kissing the
top of her head. “I’m so proud of you.”

She tipped her head back, ignoring him completely as
she welcomed the few seconds break from the pain. We all knew when the next
contraction came, because again she tensed up and let out a deep animalistic
growl.

“That’s it!” Sarah beamed. “Just like that. Keep going
for me, Rachel. Baby number one is crowning!”

Rachel continued to push and pant, tip her head back,
cry… and then repeat the process. She did this several times until all of a
sudden… an actual tiny human head popped out of her. Throwing my hand over my
mouth, I gasped. Tears leaked from my eyes and I dropped to my knees to get a
better look at the beautiful, scrunched up little face sticking out of Rachel’s
body.

“I don’t feel too good,” Jared said faintly when he
braved a look at what was going on down below. I’ve never feared for another
human being’s life as much as I feared for Jared’s in that moment. Rachel’s
eyes widened and she glared at him as if she was trying to kill him with just a
look.

“YOU don’t feel too good?” Rachel snapped. “
YOU
DON’T FEEL TOO
FUCKING
GOOD? How about you drop your kecks while I try and blow
two GIANT FUCKING MELONS through your jap’s eye and THEN we’ll see how FUCKING
GOOD YOU FEEL!”

In Jared’s defence, he had literally turned a pale
shade of green. I saw him gulp, as if he was trying to swallow his nausea back
down, and then he shuffled closer to Rachel’s head – as far away as he
could from the business end. Smiling up at Dexter, I noticed him watching the
scene unfolding in front of him curiously. His eyes were fixed on the snot and
grime-covered baby’s head and I swear I saw a tear glisten in the corner of his
eye. It made my heart melt into a gooey puddle of mush.