Authors: Kailin Gow
He
lifted his head slightly. “You don't have to be quiet,” he said. “Like I said –
there's nobody around to hear the noise. Just let go, Neve…”
Afterward
we were both soaked in sweat, the sheets smelling of champagne and of each
other.
“So,
Mr. Blue,” I laughed. “Are we going to keep seeing each other like this?”
“I
want to, Neve,” Danny kissed me, holding me close. “I want to so much. I still
want more of you. A whole lot more.”
I
snuggled in his arms, pressing a kiss on his chest. “We can't tell anyone,
though, Danny. I don't want this getting in the way of the band – the others
finding out.”
“I
understand,” said Danny. “I get the feeling that if they find out, it won't be
pretty.”
“So
you know...”
“The
guys are possessive of you,” Danny said. “Some of them, like Steve, just see
you as a kid sister. But others – they care about you. They want to protect
you. But it's more than that....you're special to them. And if they know about
us...”
“They
can't
,” I repeated, thinking of Kyle. Of how much it would hurt him. “I
love them all – but they can't know...”
“Especially
with class,” Danny said. “I can get out of grading your work directly because
I'm in the band, and I can declare a conflict of interest. But I don't want
to....make any more than that public. I value my reputation, too.”
“This
is dangerous, Danny,” I said.
“Too
dangerous?”
“It
should be,” I said. “Logically, we should just leave each other alone – back
off...”
“And
are you feeling logical right now...” He traced his fingers up and down my
stomach, letting them rest between my legs before beginning slowly,
tantalizingly, to explore further...
“No...”
I breathed, before leaning back, giving myself over to his nimble touch once
more, and to the ecstasy that followed...
Chapter
16
T
he next few days were the most exquisite kind
of torture. Between class and practices, I saw Danny almost constantly. But
seeing him in public meant that I couldn't do what I wanted to do – couldn't
throw myself before him and give myself over to the force of my desire at every
single opportunity. As much as I wanted him, longed for him, craved him – we
had to keep at a distance from one another, reducing our relationship to secret
smiles, to light stolen touches on the hand, to secret kisses in the corridor
while the other band members were practicing. Being so close to one another,
staring at each other with an intensity that made it clear we each knew what
the other was thinking, that we remembered precisely what we'd gotten up to the
night before, made it even harder for me to concentrate. Every night when the
band left Danny's, I'd get in my car, circle around the house, and drive back
once the others had gone. Each night we got more inventive; things got more
exciting. Little by little Danny initiated me into the myriad ways of pleasure
– showing me not only how to receive ecstasy but also how to give it. I didn't
know what I was doing, at first – but my instincts - and Danny's guiding hand
– were good teachers, and soon I found that pleasure came not only from
allowing Danny to take control of my body, but also from learning how to take
control of his. Each encounter we tried something new – new positions, new
words, new alignments of our bodies such that our pleasure increased tenfold
every time we experimented. It felt like our bodies had been made for one
another. We were wholly consumed with each other. Each time we met, I wanted
more and more of him.
And whenever he was
gone – whenever he had to take off to Chicago or San Francisco or New York for
a few days to check out properties for his dad – I felt it. I felt the strange
pain of absence – pain that melded with frustration and made me irritable and
snappish. I'd never noticed that this part of my life – sexual fulfillment –
was missing for so many years; now that I knew what it was, one day without the
mind-blowing orgasms to which I'd become accustomed was enough to drive me to
distraction.
Is this what addiction is
? I wondered.
When your body
craves something so much – when you feel like you can't live without it....
A couple of
weeks after our last show, Danny was away in New York. I tried to use the time
apart productively – the super of Steve and Luc's apartment complex had called
me to let me know a studio had become available upstairs from them, and the
boys helped me move into the tidy, compact apartment that I was looking forward
to calling him. Still, despite the pizzas and the shared banter, the joking and
talking that was just like old times, I couldn't help but feel like something
was
missing.
Danny's absence was a palpable shadow on the proceedings. I
tried to ignore it. All of us – except from Kyle, who still seemed vaguely hurt
that I'd turned down his offer to be roommates – were happy, enjoying just
hanging out and being together like old times. And then the phone rang.
“Hello?”
It was our booking
agent.
“What does she say?”
Luc was whispering, as Steve shushed him.
“Listen – The Cure's
reunion tour – their opening act just had to cancel. Lead singer got bronchitis.
You know what I'm talking about.”
“At the Palladium...”
My mouth fell open. The Palladium was the biggest, most prestigious
amphitheater in LA. “Us?”
“The PALLADIUM?” Kyle
almost fell off his chair.
“But listen – it's
for tomorrow night. Can you do tomorrow”
“Tomorrow?” I
repeated blankly.
“Tomorrow – at the
Palladium?” Kyle's eyes widened.
“No way!” Luc
exclaimed.
“Of course we can do
it,” I said automatically, bidding her farewell and hanging up the phone.
“Tomorrow. At the Palladium. Opening for The Cure.”
The excitement was
overwhelming. We were shouting and screaming and falling into one another's
arms – overwhelmed at the good news.
“I have to call Danny
and tell him!” I said. “He should be heading back soon...”
You think? You've
been counting the hours...
“We'd better
get practicing this second,” said Steve. “I'd better head downstairs and get us
some equipment right away. Neve, we need to practice for the next twenty-four
hours straight if we want a shot at playing the Palladium.” He laughed, his
face flushing with excitement. “I mean – the Palladium. This is the biggest
deal ever. We're going to have to play every song through at least three or
four times. The opening for The Cure...”
“I know!” I'd never
seen Steve this excited. “Wait – where are we practicing?”
“At Danny's...”
“We can't!” I said.
“Not yet, I mean. He's just gotten back from New York – he's probably not home
for another couple of hours.” I picked up the phone. No sooner had Danny
answered than I felt my whole body tingling.
“Hey, Gorgeous. Have
I been thinking about what I want to...”
“I'm with the band,”
I said loudly, hoping nobody heard his salacious opening.
“Oh,” Danny sounded
disappointed. “How are the guys?”
When I told him the
news, I could practically hear his grin over the telephone. “No way,” he said.
“I knew you could do it, babe. I've got a layover in Chicago – I'm there now.
Should be home in three hours flat. I'll put my pedal on the gas just for you.”
After I hung up and
told the guys the news, they cheered.
“But what do we do in
the meanwhile?” Luc asked.
I smiled a
mischievous smile. “We celebrate,” I said. “Like true rock stars. By breaking
the rules.”
“What do you
mean...?”
“I'm new,” I said. “I
don't know the rules here.
Are
there any music rules? I don't think
there are. I think we can jam as loud as we want...”
Steve, Luc, and Kyle
broke into matching grins. “What the heck? Why not?”
Steve and Kyle went
downstairs to bring up the equipment, leaving me alone with Luc. He smiled
softly, chuckling to himself.
“What is it?” I asked
him.
“Who'd have thought
it – so many years ago? That we'd end up like this...” Luc turned to me. “We're
really doing it, Neve. All of us – growing up. And
you...
” he turned to
look at me, melting me with his chocolate-brown eyes. “You've grown up most of
all.” He took a step towards me. “Oh, Neve – today, apparently, dreams are
coming true for us. Let's see how many come true...” He touched my cheek
lightly. “I'm so glad you're moving close to me...”
“You're always
welcome to come over. We can...”
But before I could
finish my sentence, Luc's lips were on mine; he was pulling me towards him,
kissing me passionately, his whole body taut with desire. I was shocked –
overwhelmed.
Luc
? Luc didn't like me like that – Luc and I were
just...but the force of his kiss knocked all thought right out of me.
“Luc...” I pulled
away, trying to regain my balance, not to mention my sanity. “Luc, I can't...”
But a loud, angry
cough caused us both to turn our heads toward the door. “So it's Luc, is it?”
Kyle looked furious. “He's the one you've been seeing behind our backs?” He
marched in, his face red with anger. “He's the reason you haven't been in your
dorm room ten nights this term...”
I felt anger rise in
my chest. How
dare
Kyle attempt to keep track of me, try to tell me who
I could and couldn't see, what I could or couldn't do? All sympathy I had for
his unrequited crush vanished. “What, are you keeping track of me like some
crazed stalker or something?”
“It's my
job
to keep an eye on you, Neve. What if John Flint or someone came back.”
“It's not your
job
to do anything!” I shouted.
“Well, I was worried
about you, that's all.” He sneered. “But now I see I don't have to worry. It
was Luc all along. So much for all your
rules
, huh? No dating anyone in
the band? Or I guess that just applied to me...”
“Look...” Even now
Luc was calm, collected. Mature. “I have no idea what you're talking about,
Kyle. Neve has never spent the night with me. Ask Steve – he'd know!”
Kyle took a step
towards Luc, getting straight into his face. “Don't deny it, man. I've always
known – you think you're so clever, hiding it? But I see the way you look at
her, man. I know you wanted her. I thought we were friends, yeah? I thought
you'd never go for her behind my back, knowing how I...”
“How dare you!” I
wanted to slap Kyle clean across the face.
“I would
never
,”
Luc said, looking as angry as I felt. “Even if...even if I
did
have
feelings for Neve – which I'm not saying I do...” his face turned cherry-red. “But
if I
did
...I wouldn't break the rules, okay? I know the rules – same as
anyone else. I just got...I was excited, okay? About the gig. I just needed to
blow off some steam.”
My heart sank. I'd
always known that this was going to happen, that my great fear would be
realized. My love life would drive a wedge between me and the band.
“Is that what you
call it? When you were shoving your tongue down her throat? Just letting off
steam? Don't you respect her?”
“What?” Luc and I
said simultaneously.
“She's not some
groupie you can just mess with and then leave behind...”
“I don't think
anyone
is someone you can just mess with and leave behind, Kyle,” said Luc in a
warning tone of voice. “And if Neve wanted to sleep with someone – me or anyone
else for that matter, it's absolutely not your business. You pretend you're her
personal bodyguard – pretend her parents are worried about her. But it's you
that's worried. You just want to keep track of everything that's going on – who
she's with, what's happening. We've all ignored it. But it's creepy, man. And
you need to back off, now. Whatever's happening with me and Neve is none of
your concern.”
“Nothing
is
happening.”
My high-pitched voice stopped them just short of coming to blows. “Between me
and Luc.”
“Who, then?” Kyle turned
on me. “Clearly you're getting it from
somewhere
. It's obvious. The way
you just walk around...”
“You want to talk
about my
glow
?” I snapped. “It's none of your business where I'm getting
it from. Or whom. It's my business.”
“Is that true...” Luc
looked at me, shock spreading over his face. “Are you seeing someone?”
I sighed. I hadn't
wanted my love life to get between me and the band – and now it would have to.
I nodded. “I mean no. I mean yes. I mean – it's not serious, not yet, anyway.
It's just....you know, casual sex. Not a
thing
.” Was I telling the
truth? I wasn't sure. Whatever Danny and I had, it wasn't meaningless. But we
definitely weren't an “item,” either.
Luc sighed. “Neve...I
thought you had more sense than that!”
This made me angry.
Luc – who went out with a different girl every night – had the nerve to lecture
me
on my choices! “And
you
stay home and drink water after every
gig?” I snapped. “Why is it different for you than it is for me, huh? You have
more casual sex than anyone I know. You do
not
get to judge me...”