Authors: Kailin Gow
“Damn...” Luc's mouth
almost dropped open when he saw me. “I see you've dressed up for the occasion.”
His words were innocent, but his gaze was filled with desire – as was Kyle's.
They'd never looked at me like that before – their eyes so strongly hinting at
unbridled longing. Now that they knew I was dating around – now that they'd
pictured me having meaningless sex with my mystery groupie – I couldn't be the
asexual “kid sister” anymore, the girl they'd kidded themselves into thinking
would never date, would never have any life outside the band. I flushed.
Nothing was innocent anymore; it felt like my experience with Danny had colored
all parts of my life.
You're just
projecting, Neve
, I tried to tell myself.
Stop worrying.
Danny, by
contrast, looked infinitely less well-rested. He wasn't wearing his customary
leather and eyeliner. He was wearing tight jeans, his T-shirt casual and
looking like he'd picked it crumpled off the floor. His stubble and the dark
circles under his eyes betrayed the fact that he hadn't slept. The sight of him
still sent my heart into a whirlwind of agony.
“Neve...” Danny came
up to me, his eyes filled with pain.
“Glad to see you
showed up.” I was cool, calm, collected. I wasn't going to let him see how much
his words had hurt me.
“Of course I did,”
Danny said. “I'd never let you or the band down. Neve, we need to talk. Can
we...”
“There's nothing to
say.” I didn't want to deal with this right now. I had to focus on getting
ready for the gig – I couldn't let myself give into the maelstrom of emotions
inside me right now.
“There's a whole lot
to say!” Danny insisted. “I've been trying to call you all day. And send
emails. You haven't answered my calls, my messages, my texts.” I'd turned off
the phone after the first one – unwilling to deal with what I knew would be
insincere apologies at best. Danny Blue didn't want a relationship with me, and
that's all there was to it.
“Look, Danny,” I
said. “I
did
want something more, okay? I didn't just want sex – and I'm
sorry. You want fun; I want a relationship. Let's be grown-ups and end it
before we get hurt, okay?”
“Neve, I really want
to talk about this.”
“The show's
going to start any minute, Danny...”
I passed him and went
backstage, focusing on the lyrics, trying to remember them as I warmed up my
voice, hoping I wouldn't cry...
I had to focus on the
music – I had to let my mind go black, let the music flood through me,
sublimating all my fears, all my pain. I had to let go of Danny, of my heart,
of my pain, of everything but the song that flowed through me...
And we sang together.
The music played. And once more we were beautiful, powerful, brilliant – once
more we had the audience in the palm of our hands. I channeled my anger, my
pain, my loneliness, all my feelings into the long loud wail of my voice.
I could feel the
energy. It was electric. Through my pain, we'd managed to give our best
performance yet.
Chapter
19
A
fter the performance we were all utterly
exhausted. I felt drained – the force and passion of my performance had left me
completely spent. As we headed backstage – I was careful to avoid Danny's gaze
– I couldn't help but feel completely overwhelmed by the past few weeks. In a
matter of barely a month, I had watched the Never Knights go from a tiny indie
band to the wildly successful opening act for the Cure. I had watched as the
Never Knights – a close, tight-knight group of best friends – had slowly begun
to unravel: first we'd lost Geoff, then gained Danny. Luc and Kyle were still
tense around each other; Kyle and I had a lot to sort out, I knew. I'd fallen
in love. I'd lost my virginity to Danny Blue, whose voice onstage and off still
had the power to make me melt. I'd finally gotten the approval from my father
that I'd been seeking for so long. Had it really been only this September that
I'd arrived on the USC campus, a fresh-faced eighteen-year-old hoping to blend
in, hoping to after eighteen years of privilege, start at last something
resembling a normal life? That seemed like so long ago now. Standing onstage,
hearing the raucous applause of thousands of people, listening to the echoes of
the guitar and the drums reverberating through the whole amphitheater, I wondered
if I would ever feel normal again. My fingers were calloused from the guitar
I'd played; my voice was rough and ragged. I stumbled backstage and doused my
face with cold water, trying to regain some sense of balance.
“Neve!” Danny came
over to me. “Neve – you were incredible tonight.”
“Thanks...” No sooner
had he come near me than I was walking away, heading towards the reception
area. “You too.” I would not look at him, I told myself. I would not let him
hurt me once more – would not give him the power of looking into my eyes and
being able to tell precisely how much he had hurt me. He'd done enough – that
final satisfaction of knowing the power he had over me was one I would never
give him. Of course, he had seen me in my vulnerable moments. He had heard me
cry out things, words I'd never thought I would cry out. He had seen my face
and body unguarded as I lay back on the bed, writhing with pleasure, letting
him know exactly the power he had over my body.
“Neve, I really want
to talk to you. Look, about what happened the other night...”
“I don't want to
discuss it,” I said shortly as we walked into the reception room together.
“Neve!” A short,
red-haired girl rushed up to me. She couldn't have been more than sixteen, but
her goth makeup and mohawk suggested that she'd done a lot to try to look
older. “Neve Knight – is it really you?”
“Yes?” I turned
around, confused. “I'm sorry, do I know...”
“I'myourbiggestfan,”
she exclaimed – all in one single breath. “I mean, I'm sure you have others,
but I'm the president of your official fan club.”
“We have an official
fan club?”
“Ever since last
summer, when ‘The Night is Young’ hit college radio – I downloaded it and
listened to it hundreds of times since then. It helped me through a lot – when
I was dealing with this breakup I just listened to it on repeat and cried and
cried. And I started the fan club. We come to all your shows. And this one was
the best one yet!” She blushed, her face radiant with happiness. “I have all
your EPs – and a couple of bootlegs. I mean – you're my heroine.”
“Me?” I was
flabbergasted. I knew that we were starting to make it big – that we were
perched on the cusp of success – but I had never imagined that we'd have
anything like a fan club yet. To my mind we were still that same idealistic
group of kids who practiced in Luc's mom's basement three nights a week during
high school.
“I mean – there's a
lot of rock groups out there fronted by a girl. I know – I listen to a lot of
music. But you're not just “the girl,” you know. You don't just sing and look
hot or whatever. You play guitar, too. And you write all your own songs. And
you're totally cool just being one of the guys – I think that's so great.” She
smiled. “I'm starting a band now – with a few friends from the fan club. We
learned to play ‘The Night is Young’ - we played it for my high school dance.”
Her face fell. “That's not like a copyright issue or anything, is it?”
“Don't worry about
it.” I smiled back at her.
I looked out through
the corner of my eye. Danny had vanished into the crowd – I was surrounded by
fans, groupies. People who not only cared about my appearance, but about my
music.
Our music.
My heart was beating so loudly I could feel it in my
ears; I'd never been so overjoyed in my life. For a moment, Danny didn't
matter. Kyle didn't matter. The pain in my chest didn't matter. All I could feel
was the overwhelming joy of having
succeeded
at last – the way I'd
always wanted to. My music had touched somebody.
That was something
not even Danny Blue could take away.
*******
The next few
weeks passed by in something of a blur. Our success at the Palladium had
invigorated our internet sales, not to mention the press interest in us. Our
booker called us the moment we left the Palladium – telling us that she'd, on
the live-tweeted feedback alone, been able to book us another, smaller gig, for
the next night and the next. Suddenly we'd gone from playing a show a month, if
that, to playing a show every night or two for the next two weeks. I hardly had
time to concentrate on my heartbreak. I spent all the time I had with the band
practicing; those few moments that I had to spare I spent catching up on
homework and trying desperately to get through midterms. But nothing was as
difficult as sitting in Professor Poe's class, trying to present a paper on the
glam rock movement. Whenever I walked into that classroom I could feel Danny's
eyes on me, his stare boring through me. He wanted me – I could feel the force
of his desire for me even when I turned away. But I knew now that all he
wanted, all I could give him, was sex. And what I felt for Danny was so much
more than that. While my desire for him had only increased in our separation, I
knew now that I didn't want to fall back into the trap of becoming friends-with-benefits
alone. As much as those nights gave me pleasure, I needed something more from
him. Something that I knew he couldn't give.
Meanwhile, my
relationship with Kyle started to stabilize somewhat. Since our semi-fight over
my mysterious lover, Kyle had begun to chill out considerably. He was aware –
all too aware – that he'd gone too far and said too much, and he worked extra
hard to try and make us both forget the truth that had now come between us –
the love he felt for me. “I just...got a little freaked out,” he admitted as we
walked between classes one day. “I'm so used to losing the people I love. I
feel like I get attached to someone – and they go away. You were the only
person in my life for so long, other than my aunt, who gave me stability. Who
made me feel loved. I guess I got jealous – scared I'd lose you, lose that
connection.” He smiled. “But whatever happens – you're your own person, and
you've got to make your own decisions. I get that.” Still, as hard as he tried
to whitewash what had happened, I could still see the naked, unbridled desire
in his eyes. The look that made it clear that he wanted to do with me precisely
what Danny had done.
We'd taken to
practicing in the daytime at Luc and Kyle's, since we were at gigs all night –
which made it possible to avoid the noise restrictions within reason. I was
relieved. I wasn't sure how I would be able to handle going back to that
cottage by the sea, looking at the bed that had been the source of so much
pleasure, looking at the couch, the shower...all objects filled with lasting
memories. If we went back there, I knew, it would take every inch of my
concentration not to break down and sob. I tried to repress my feelings, to
focus on the positive: the band was a success, and we were playing to packed
houses every night. But somehow I couldn't feel as happy as I wanted to feel.
Danny's absence was a dull ache in my heart.
And when our booker
called to let me know that Beyond Blue, the Vegas outlet of Danny's family's
chain hotel empire, had specifically requested that we play on their main
stage, I was torn between excitement and disappointment. On the one hand, it
was our highest-profile gig yet – a chance to travel to another city, to play
to hundreds if not thousands of people. On the other hand – it was Danny's
father's club. And that meant being closer to Danny, dealing with his family,
dealing with a world to which I had gotten so close. If I had been Danny's
girlfriend, I couldn't help but wonder bitterly, then would I have been introduced
to his father? Would I have gone with him on those hotel trips like he
promised?
If...
The word that stood
between me and so much happiness.
Still, if my
heartbreak was making me feel like my life was falling apart, it had the
opposite effect on my music. I'd never played or sang better than I did that
night at Beyond Blue. My heart was breaking every second I was onstage; just
looking at Danny made me want to sob aloud, and tears sprang to my eyes as I
looked into his own. But that pain, that anger – all that came out in a voice
that barely seemed as if it were coming from me at all: it was a voice that was
raw with emotion, a voice that conveyed so much, melding with the guitar solos
to create a wall of sound, an overwhelming echolalia of expression. And the
crowd was going wild for it.
Then came the last
song – the song we'd practiced a hundred times before. My duet with Danny – a
song that we'd written together the week he'd first joined the band. A song
called “Don't Tell Me Why” about lost love. We'd composed it without thinking
of its meaning – but now, singing it as we stared into each other's eyes, the
words came to us as if for the first time. Danny and I – singing together:
“Don't tell me why
it didn't work/don't tell me why it all went wrong,”
I began, and he
continued where I left off.
“Don't tell me why
I never knew/you were running all along.”
“Don't tell me why
you went away/don't tell me why you never stay....”