Authors: Kailin Gow
“It's not like
that...” Luc shook his head, trying to explain. “It's just – you're
Neve.
You're
like a sister to me.”
“Not
that
like
a sister,” Kyle cut in loudly.
“I just don't want to
see you get hurt by the guys who are looking for casual flings...”
“Guys like you, you
mean?”
That shut him up.
“Nobody should just
want you for that. I mean – you're the kind of girl a guy could proudly bring
home to his family. The girl I could always bring home to my mom.”
“I still am.”
“No guy should just
want you for sex, that's all I'm saying. You could do better.”
I couldn't help
baiting him. “And what if I just want
him
for sex? What – am I damaged
goods, now? I'm not a virgin – so suddenly you can't take me home to Mommy?
Please – so I'm having sex with my boyfriend. You want to judge? Judge Kyle –
who takes home a different girl every night. Maybe you can't take
him
to
your mother's house, either!
He's
not a virgin. And neither are you,
Luc. Guys and their double standards.”
“So he's your
boyfriend?” Luc's eyes widened with pain.
“And
unlike
you
guys, the guy I'm seeing – incidentally – hasn't been with a different girl
every night for the past year. I know where he's been. We're monogamous. And
it's safe.”
Seeing Luc and Kyle's
stricken expressions, I felt a bit ashamed of my outburst. I was right, I felt,
to defend myself – both Luc and Kyle were holding me to an unfair double
standard, and they knew it. But I knew too the real reasons for their reaction
– the jealousy that made both of them say such ugly things. “Don't worry,” I
said. “Like I said, it's casual. My priority is on the band. The band comes
first.”
Chapter
17
W
e spent the rest of that day practicing – once
Steve came and the tension dissipated, we tried to ignore the fight we'd had.
Luc and Kyle were still awkward around each other – and I was still fuming. I
liked my friends – loved them, even. Certainly I respected them. But for the
first time I realized what a difference a few years made in our relationship.
Suddenly the fact of my being a woman was a
big deal
in the way it had
never been when we were kids. Sure, I was flattered that Luc saw me as a “good
girl,” “girlfriend material,” - someone superior to the groupies he slept with.
But more than that, I was disturbed by what it said about Luc – that he was
perfectly willing to sleep with girls
he
didn't consider “girlfriend
material” precisely
because
they were willing to sleep with him, and to
judge them for it. I almost felt sorry for his groupies, for Kyle's. A lot of
them, I imagined, were girls just like me – girls happy to be driven for the
moment by desire. And if Danny hadn't lost respect for me for agreeing to our
relationship – a relationship that was driven in part by lust – then why should
anyone else?
Maybe my dad was
right to try to shield me from this world, I thought bitterly. Maybe being a
woman in a group of rock stars wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Still, I tried
to ignore my annoyance and focus on the work at hand. Kyle and Luc were still
boys, after all – still teenagers at eighteen and nineteen.
Danny would
never treat me this way.
He didn't think I was anything but a “good girl” -
even when I was naked and writhing on his bed in ecstasy. He
loved
the
pleasure we shared – the trust that had made us both capable of learning to
articulate what we wanted without flushing, to share our fantasies, to trust
each other with our whole bodies.
The tension in the
air was still palpable at the end of the rehearsal. Steve came up to me,
lightly tapping me on the shoulder. “What's going on?” Steve asked me.
“Nothing,” I shrugged
him away. “Nothing I want to talk about.”
“Fine,” said Steve,
to my relief. At least Steve had managed to get through this semester without
going as crazy as the rest of us. “Let's skip Danny's solo and go straight to
the bridge...”
Kyle and Luc were
still glowering at one another.
“Come on guys,” I
said, rolling my eyes. “Can't we be grown-ups here for the night? We only have
tonight to practice...”
“Fine,” said Luc.
“Just for the night.”
Just for the
night?
My heart sank. Did Luc mean to quit the band?
“Luc,” my voice
softened. “I'm sorry – I really am. I know – we've got a lot to talk about,
okay? And we will talk about it. Just not tonight. We'll talk after the show.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was seeing someone – I only told Kyle, because it
was new and I didn't think it was important...”
He nodded glumly.
“Whoever you're with,” he murmured, “is one lucky son of a bitch.” His eyes did
not meet my own.
“Kyle, you okay?”
“Fine,” Kyle said glumly.
“I've got a guitar in my hands already, don't I? I'm ready. So let's get this
over with.”
We were interrupted
by a knock at the door. My heart leaped. Was it Danny? But to my disappointment
it was just the super, looking beleaguered and exhausted.
“You guys know the
noise rules...” he said. “Really, you know that...”
“She won't have to
worry about that.” Danny's familiar, velvety voice made my heart jump. “Where
she's going, she can make all the noise she likes.” He smiled at me as he
emerged in the doorway, his black jeans and t-shirt stretched across his broad
shoulders and hard abs leaving little to my imagination. Even after three hours
of travel Danny looked every inch the rock star. The super, clearly recognizing
in Danny some easy authority, grumbled a bit about the neighbors before departing.
I walked out into the
corridor to bid farewell to the super. But before I could re-enter my apartment
Danny pulled me into an alcove, kissing me hungrily. “Neve,” he murmured. “I've
missed you so much.”
“I've missed you
too.” Already I could feel my whole body reacting to his, eager for his touch.
I wanted to kiss him for hours, but I didn't want to rouse suspicions.
“Listen,” I said. “Play it cool tonight. Kyle and Luc got into blows over me –
they know I'm seeing someone but don't know who...Kyle thought it was Luc...”
Danny bit his lip,
anger flashing briefly over his face. “I see – so, Luc made a pass at you?”
“Not a pass,” I said
quickly. “It was very innocent. Kyle just misinterpreted things...”
“Good,” said Danny
firmly. “Because there's nothing innocent about what I've got planned for you
tonight. I'll play it cool tonight, Neve – but stay over tonight, okay? I want
to show you how much I missed you.”
We headed back into
the apartment and loaded the instruments into the car before heading to
Danny's. We practiced until sunrise, absolutely shattered, until at last we
headed back to our cars.
“Want to get dinner?”
Kyle asked me. “Or breakfast, really. At this hour.”
“Actually, I'm going
to...” I sighed. “I'm going to make a detour, get some gas, refuel. You go home
without me.”
“Are you sure?” Kyle
looked disappointed. “I really wanted to talk.”
“I'm sure,” I said.
“I'm tired and I could use a good night's sleep. Or what's left of it.”
Kyle's voice sounded
strained. “I know,” he said, sighing. “I get it. I'll let the others know.” He
turned to me. “I hope you get whatever you need out of your system,” he said.
“So you can move on. And realize that there's a lot of guys out there...” his
voice choked, “who would give you a lot more than sex. There's a lot of guys
who would love to be with you, who would cherish you, who would do anything for
you.”
“I appreciate that,”
I said, “But Kyle, I'm not looking for that right now. And even if I were...”
Not
with you.
I couldn't bear to say those words out loud to him.
“Right. Goodnight.”
Kyle turned around and walked to his car. I waited until he was safely gone
before heading back inside to Danny's, my body burning with longing.
“I'm back....” I
breathed. “I finally got away.”
For a moment Danny
seemed distracted – his face pale, his eyes distant.
“Danny, are you
okay?”
At once he snapped
out of it. His face transformed – the look of yearning on his face sending my
body into a frenzy. Barely a moment had passed before we had torn each other's jeans
off and were lying on the bed.
“It's been three
whole days,” Danny nuzzled my shoulder. “Did I tell you how much I missed you?
I told Steve I was shattered – but truth is I think I can find just a bit more
energy left, can't you...?”
He lifted me up,
turning me over so that my legs rested on his shoulders, his face facing my
bare stomach. “This,” he announced slyly, “is but the first course.” He began
kissing my stomach, his mouth and body shifting so that his tongue trailed
further down...
Before long my whole
body was shaking with relief.
“Hard day...” he
asked, when I was still at last. “I'm exhausted – and now completely sweaty.
Why don't you join me in the shower?” he grinned. “I get the sense you could
use a relaxing shower too, after the horrid day you've had.”
With the water
streaming all around us, drowning out the noise, we moved onto other pursuits –
he had brought me to the brink of ecstasy seconds earlier, and now it was my
turn to do the same, taking hold of him and playing with his body gently before
slipping to my knees, anxious to taste every inch of his tan, beautiful body.
It seemed that hours passed before Danny wrapped me in a towel and all but
carried me to the bed. Utterly spent, we had no more energy for passion.
Instead his touch was gentle, delicate. Even romantic. He caressed my cheeks,
my shoulders, his eyes wide not with desire but with something else – something
more.
“I missed you very
much, Danny,” I said.
“I know. I missed you
too. I wish you could've gone with me. Maybe next time...” he sighed. “Next
time you'll come with me. How does that sound?”
“That sounds great.”
He nuzzled my ear and
I couldn't help but smile. For all Kyle and Luc's judgment, what we had was
more than just sex. There was something meaningful there – some connection that
I felt more than ever now, when things were so still, when I was lying with my
head against his chest...
“So, there will be a
next time,” I said.
“Of course, Neve...”
he said. “You're a part of my life now.”
Everything felt so
beautiful at that moment, so calm. At that moment, as I drifted off to sleep,
resting in the bosom of the man I cared for, I was utterly happy. Dreams slowly
took hold of me and I could hear myself muttering, instinctively.
“Night, Danny.”
“Night, Neve.”
“Love you...”
I hadn't meant to say
it – hadn't meant to say anything like that. But no sooner had I spoken than
Danny's eyes shot wide open and he sat up on the bed. His whole expression had
changed.
“Oh, no...” he
muttered. “No, you didn't mean that. You don't mean that.”
“I...don't?” I felt
my heart sink all at once. Sure it was soon – too soon – but he knew what I
meant...
“Neve, I'm sorry.” He
looked embarrassed now. “I thought we were on the same page about this. That
what you wanted – what we both wanted – I'm sorry, I should have realized...”
“Realized what?” my
voice was shaking.
“I care for you a
lot, Neve. And I'm really enjoying what we have. You're a great friend – and an
incredible lover. You're gorgeous and smart and sexy but...”
“But...”
“I thought this was
just fun for you. For both of us. No strings – no commitment – that's what we
said, right? Neve – you know my story. You know about Peyton. I'm just getting
back into things after losing her. A commitment – I mean, if that's what you
want, I'm not sure I'm...” He sighed and took my hand, pressing it to his lips.
“I'm so sorry, Neve. I thought we wanted the same thing. Great sex, great
company, a lot of fun. But I'm not ready to get attached like that again. It's
been a year, but sometimes it feels like she only died yesterday.” He kissed my
forehead. “If you don't want to handle that, if you can't handle that – I
understand if you don't want to see me...”
I couldn't listen to
another second of this. Every word that Danny spoke was breaking my heart.
Before he could open his mouth I was dressed and running out the door, tears
streaming down my face, my car heading back towards the only place in the world
I felt safe, felt secure, felt insulated from all this chaos.
Back to Mom and Dad.
Chapter
18
I
t was seven in the morning by the time I
arrived home – and all I wanted to do was to lie down and cry on my childhood
bed. How could I have been so stupid? Done the one thing I'd told myself I'd
never do – fall in love with someone from the band? I had known Danny was
older, more sophisticated, more used to “friends with benefits” than I was – I
should have known he wouldn't fall in love with me the way I had with him.
Maybe Kyle and Luc were right, I thought angrily, I was somebody's fuck-buddy,
nothing more.