New Beginnings (75 page)

“Right.” She released his hand. “I’ll be right back.”

Zach watched her go, wishing he could say something to convince her everything would work for them, but anything he said would only fall on deaf ears. Until Tyler was living under her roof, trying to ease her pain was a fruitless effort. After setting out the food, Zach sat and waited for her. He didn’t have much of an appetite either. He hadn’t been able to get Tyler off his mind. He wanted to reach out to him, but the kid had asked for space. Zach was trying to respect that.

“Here we go,” Rennie said, returning with two glasses of white wine. “I hope you don’t mind white?”

“No, it’s fine.” He didn’t plan to drink much. He just wanted to give the impression he was joining her in case she needed a glass or two.

She placed the glasses on the table and sat down. Staring at her empty plate, her eyes swam with tears. “I hate this, Zach. He should be here with us.”

“I know, baby.” He reached for her hand. “He will be soon enough. Before you know it, we’ll be sitting down to dinners like this all the time.” At least he prayed they would. Only Tyler and Rennie could decide whether he would be invited to join them.

“I want to believe that.” She withdrew her hand and reached for her wine glass. “But neither one of us know for sure what the future will bring.”

“Even when you think you’ve got it all figured out, we know better than anybody that life can sometimes throw you a curveball.” Their past would always be an obstacle until they found the courage to voice their grievances. As far as Zach was concerned, it was time. “Do you regret taking off when you did?” He watched her open the cartons of food and spoon rice and sweet and sour beef onto her plate.

“Every day.”

“If you had it to do over…”

“I would’ve stayed here with my family and friends and raised my son. Whether you wanted to be a part of our lives would have been your call.”

As if he could have stayed away. He’d spent a small fortune trying to find her. If he’d known she was carrying his child, nothing short of a restraining order would have made him keep his distance. “But then you wouldn’t have met Nathan.” Hearing the truth from her mother had been reassuring, but he needed to hear it from Rennie. He knew it was petty, but he couldn’t let go of her marriage to someone else until he knew for certain she’d never stopped loving him.

“No, I wouldn’t have.” She popped a forkful of food into her mouth.

“You would have been okay with that?”

She chewed slowly and reached for her glass. “Nathan was there for me when I had no one else. He filled a void in my life. I loved him because he was a good man and a good friend.”

That word love made Zach’s blood boil. He hated hearing Rennie use it to describe her feelings for another man.

“If things had been different, I wouldn’t have left.” She paused, looking him in the eye. “I can see now that’s how it should have been. I should have given you the chance to be a father to Tyler from the beginning, and that’s a regret I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. I’m sorry that I hurt you and our son.”

Zach reached for her hand and kissed it. “You did what you thought was best for him. I don’t blame you for that. But I do blame you for letting yourself love someone else. I don’t know how to forgive that.” He was being totally irrational, but they’d promised to love only each other forever. He’d kept that promise. She hadn’t.

Rennie looked stunned and tried to withdraw the hand he held. “It wasn’t something I planned, Zach. He was my friend—”

“And your lover and the man you turned to when you should have been turning to me.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Tell me you didn’t love him.”

“I can’t.”

Zach knew he was expecting too much, but that didn’t stop him. “I see.”

“I loved Nathan, but not the way I loved you,” she said quietly, squeezing his hand. “I think every person has one great love in their lives, if they’re lucky enough to find them. You were mine. I never expected to replace you, but it was nice to have someone to share my life with. Nathan was there for me when I needed someone, and I’ll always be grateful to him for that. He didn’t think he was taking your place; he didn’t even try to.”

“I find that hard to believe, Ren. If a man’s married to a woman like you, he’s going to want to know that he’s the one you’re dreaming about.”

Rennie looked as though she was struggling to hold it together. “It wasn’t like that for us. I told Nathan about you just a few weeks after we met. He knew how much I loved you, that I’d built my world around you.” Just hearing those things made Zach’s heart ache for what they’d had and lost. “He wasn’t trying to replace you. He was just trying to be there for me.”

Zach should be grateful she had someone to turn to when she felt so alone, but he couldn’t get past the fact she’d exchanged vows with that man. Looking at her hand, he noticed, for the first time, she wasn’t wearing her wedding band. What did that mean? Was she ready to move on? With him?

“He was there for me. Every single day,” she whispered. “I won’t apologize for letting him into my life, but I won’t pretend our marriage was something it wasn’t either.”

Zach had to bite his tongue and let her say as much or as little as she chose to. Pushing her would be a mistake that could cost him the fragile intimacy they’d just started to rebuild.

“He didn’t make me feel the way you did. Ever. I used to feel guilty about that until I finally found the courage to tell Nathan how I felt.”

“You told him?” Zach asked, surprised she’d told her husband she’d loved another man in a way she could never love him. “How did he react?”

“He said he knew that and he’d come to terms with it long before he asked me to marry him. He wanted me to stop torturing myself for the way I felt and learn to be grateful I’d been given a second chance at happiness with him. Even if it wasn’t the script I would have written for myself, he reminded me we had a good life, and he was right.”

Nathan wasn’t a bad guy. In that moment, Zach almost felt sorry for him. Given the choice, he preferred living without Rennie, knowing that she still loved him, to sharing her bed knowing she was thinking about someone else. That would have been agony. “I’m glad he was there for you and Tyler when you needed someone. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish it was me, but since it couldn’t have been, I’m glad it was him.”

Rennie looked at him a long time. “Do you really mean that?”

“Of course I do.”

“Good,” Rennie said, looking relieved. “Because that’s really important to me. I don’t want Tyler to forget Nathan. He was an important part of his life, and I want to always be able to honor his memory. Even when we’re together, as a family, I don’t want Tyler to feel uncomfortable mentioning Nathan.”

Zach felt hope hearing her talking about the time
when
they would be a family. “I don’t want that either. I know losing Nathan was hard for Tyler. Whatever I can do to make that easier, I’ll do it because it’s what’s best for our son.”

Rennie smiled and reached across the table to kiss him. “For the record, I’ve never stopped loving you, Zach.”

He smiled against her lips, his heart swelling from the sweet words he would never tire of hearing. “For the record, I intend to make damn sure you never will.”

***

Once Zach was finally satisfied she’d eaten enough, they retreated to the family room to put up their feet and watch a movie. Even though her heart was still heavy from missing Tyler, she was glad Zach was with her. Every moment they spent together brought them closer, and with every day that passed, he was earning her trust and proving that he was finally ready for the family and commitment she’d always wanted from him.

“What’s it gonna be?” he asked, scrolling through their viewing options.

Rennie wrinkled her nose. “It doesn’t matter. You choose but nothing too violent.” She wasn’t big on TV. Zach was being so sweet, affectionate, and attentive. He’d obviously realized the only thing she really needed was a hand to hold. She couldn’t deny getting tangled up in the sheets with him would be a nice distraction… maybe later.

Zach glanced at her DVD collection beneath the large flat screen TV. “No way, you have
Field of Dreams
?” It had always been one of his favorite movies. “I haven’t seen that in years. Do you mind?”

Rennie laughed at his boyish enthusiasm. “Be my guest.” She watched the pull of his jeans as he leaned over to pop the movie into the player and grab the remote off the shelf. He was too sexy for words. She was lucky. Thousands of women would give their last dollar to trade places with her. “I’m glad you’re here.” She reached for his hand when he sat down beside her.

He looked at her, seemingly surprised by her statement. “I’m glad I’m here too, Ren. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Looking into his deep brown eyes, she saw the truth. He was still in love with her. He wanted a life with her and their son, and that made her hope she could make all of his dreams come true. She paused the movie. “I think we can have a great life together. You, me, and Tyler.” She smiled when it looked as if he was holding his breath. “But it’s going to take some time. I already know the kind of man you are, but Tyler doesn’t. He has to get to know you, but I know that when he does, he’ll feel blessed to be able to call you
Dad
.”

Zach’s grin split his face. “I can’t wait to hear him call me that. I know it shouldn’t matter so much, but it does.”

Rennie ran her hand down his cheek. He hadn’t shaved, and she loved the feel of stubble. “I can understand that. It’s a pretty big deal.”

“The big deal is you telling me that you want to build a life with me and our son. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“I think I have some idea.” She ran her thumb over his bottom lip. His eyes glazed over with the same lust that was making her pulse pound. “I do want that. Having you here tonight made me realize how much I want that. As bad as things seemed today, I couldn’t imagine anything would make me feel better, but just having you here to hold my hand did.”

He leaned in to nuzzle her neck. “Everything’s going to work out for us this time. I promise.”

Wrapping her arm around his neck, she reveled in the comfort of having him so close. “I believe you.” She hadn’t let another person soothe her fears in a long time, and the fact that person was Zach made her believe fate had a hand in it. If only Tyler would come around, everything would be perfect. When he kissed her neck, she tipped her head back, inviting more. No man’s touch had ever made her feel the way Zach’s did. Even if he stroked every inch of her body all night long, it still wouldn’t be enough to satiate her craving for him. “How’s your shoulder?” She stroked the hard muscles bunching beneath the soft fabric of his shirt.

“Getting better every day.” He continued to nibble her neck, making it difficult for her to focus on his words. “I should be back in the game in a few weeks.”

“Great.” He would start traveling with the team again. She would only see him a couple of days a week, for short stretches, when he was home. But a few hours with Zach was worth a lifetime with anyone else. She’d been a fool to try to convince herself otherwise.

“Yeah, I’m anxious to get back out there.” He slipped her tank strap down and placed open-mouthed kisses on her shoulder.

“Hmmm…” For all she knew he could have been talking about life on another planet. When his mouth traveled over her skin like that, the only thought in her head was
more.

“The pain’s not nearly as bad as it was in the beginning.”

“Good.” She was glad he didn’t have to struggle through the pain anymore, but the only ache she could focus on was the one building inside of her. She needed him. Not just for one night, but every night for the rest of their lives. She wanted him to know that. “But I’ll miss you when you’re gone.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” There was no amusement in his tone when he eased her back on the couch. “I need to know you’ll be thinking about me as much as I’ll be thinking about you.”

“More,” she whispered, reaching for the bottom of his shirt.

He held her wrist, halting her actions. “Marry me.”

Her hands fell away as stunned shock displaced arousal. “What?”

“You heard me. I want to marry you.”

Rennie inched away and propped her back against the arm of the sofa. She knew they would get there eventually, but it seemed too soon to think about forever. They were still getting to know each other again, and they had their son’s feelings to consider.

He stroked her cheek as his eyes pleaded with her to understand. “You’re the love of my life. The only woman who’s ever made me think about forever. We were cheated out of that once before. I can’t let that happen again.”

She wrapped her hand around his wrist. “You don’t have to propose to me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m where I want to be, and you’re the man I want to be with.”

He sat back, breaking the physical contact. “I know I should be grateful just to have you in my life again, and I am, believe me. But I want more.” A half-smile teased his lips. “If it makes me a selfish bastard, so be it, but I want you to wear
my
ring, share
my
last night. Can’t you see how much it hurt me to see you wearing another man’s ring, claiming another man’s last name as your own? It should never have gone down that way. You were mine from the time we were old enough to know what love was. I want you to be mine again. Marry me, baby. Please.”

She couldn’t even think about accepting his proposal without Tyler’s approval. Her decision would impact his life, and she wanted him to be on board. “I can’t give you an answer until we talk to Tyler about it.”

Zach smiled. “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Doesn’t every kid want his parents to be together?”

“These are extenuating circumstances.” Zach didn’t need to be reminded of that, but one of them had to keep a clear head. It was too easy to get caught up in their feelings and forget they weren’t free to rebuild a life together until their son wanted it as much as they did.