New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (10 page)

Read New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer Online

Authors: Bill Maher

 
NEW RULE
 
Bob Dylan must stop denying he was the voice of a generation. Bob, that’s not something you get to decide. It’s fate and you were it. If your generation could actually choose a voice, don’t you think they’d have picked one better than yours?
Fool Recovery
 
NEW RULE
 
Former drug addicts and alcoholics have to stop saying, “I almost died.” No. Cancer survivors almost died. You almost had too good a time.
For Your Reconsideration
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Take one back. Every year, along with handing out the Oscars, the Academy should take one back. Get someone up there to say, “We blew it. Roberto Benigni—give it back! We just got you out of your seat that year because we wanted to see you dry-hump Judi Dench.”
Ford Galaxy
 
 
NEW RULE
 
No SUVs in space. The new space plane isn’t a triumph of the spirit, it’s a low-orbit midlife crisis. Space tourism is God’s way of telling you you’re not spending enough on lap dances, baccarat, and cocaine.
Forget Paris
 
NEW RULE
 
Talentless teenagers who exist to amuse us must keep up in the battle to be the dippiest twit. First Paris Hilton’s topless cell phone pictures ended up on the Internet; isn’t it about time Britney Spears did something trashy? Come on, honey, use your imagination. I don’t know—let the wind blow your pants off, or have a miscarriage in a liquor store, or get a de-vorce from Butthead. The ball’s in your trailer court.
Fossett Drip
 
NEW RULE
 
The next time Steve Fossett tries to fly something around the world, shoot him down. First it was a balloon. Then it was a plane. Next he’ll try to do it strapped to a giant kite. Steve, we get it. You don’t like spending time with your wife. But getting caught in the jet stream is not an accomplishment. It’s just what clouds do. You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause, try donating it to the Democrats.
 
Fox Populi
 
NEW RULE
 
It’s not a town hall meeting if you only invite people who promise to kiss your ass. Recently, three people at a Bush “social security town hall” were thrown out because organizers didn’t like the bumper sticker on their car. This isn’t good for America, and it’s not even good for Bush. If all he wants to do is talk to someone who agrees with him on everything, he should go back and re-debate Kerry.
French Whine
 
 
NEW RULE
 
No more bitching about the French. At least they’re standing up to the Bush administration, which is more than I can say for the Democrats. And it doesn’t make me un-American to say I’d rather live in Paris than in some place where cheese only comes in individually wrapped slices.
Fresh Seamen
 
 
NEW RULE
 
England doesn’t have to go out of its way to get gays in its navy. The British Navy is planning a special recruiting drive, including ads in gay men’s magazines.
A-hoooy.
You’re the British Navy. If you were any gayer, you’d be the White House press corps.
Friends to the End
 
 
NEW RULE
 
The end of
Friends
is not a national tragedy. It is just a sitcom that went off the air. One week Darren was complaining to Samantha about Larry Tate, the next week he wasn’t. And nobody cared. Each character on
Friends
has fucked every other character in every possible combination, including that monkey. Let it go already.
 
California Hatin’
 
NEW RULE
 
L
ay off California. The rest of America loves to laugh at crazy California, but let’s remember this: California has a lot of people. And the reason it does is that lots of people from other states end up saying, “Fuck this, I’m outta here,” and then they come here, where people ask them, “Don’t you miss the winters?” No, strangely enough, I don’t, just like I don’t miss a car door slamming on my hand.
Make fun of California, but if it weren’t for California, East Coast rappers would have to shoot musicians from Branson. If it weren’t for California, there’d be almost no TV, and you’d have to go home at night and actually talk to your family.
The rest of America feels about California the way the rest of the world feels about America.They hate us because we do what we want to do. Just the way people think Americans are too blessed and too free, and it makes them nuts in the dreary hovels of Kabul and Tikrit and Lubbock, Texas. They pray to their threadbare gods that we’ll get what we deserve, but it won’t happen because we’ll always keep you guessing.
We elected Ronald Reagan and Jerry Brown. We’re home to Disney and also to
Hustler. The Partridge Family
and the Manson Family. We can drink a Mudslide and a Sex on the Beach during an actual mudslide while having sex on the beach. Our farms feed the world and Calista Flockhart lives here.
We have bears and great white sharks and even our washed-up actors are allowed to kill one blonde chick. We invented surfing and cyberporn and LSD and the boob job. And if we didn’t, we would have.
We have oranges. Free oranges. Everywhere. What grows on the trees in Scranton?
We have a real hockey team named after a hockey team in a movie. We give our illegal aliens driver’s licenses. We have a governor who digs group sex.
Would anywhere else in America trade places with L.A. or San Francisco in a piss-soaked New York minute? You bet they would, because I don’t recall anyone writing a song called “I Wish They All Could Be Rhode Island Girls.”
 
BILL MAHER
G
 
NEW RULES
 
Gas Bags
 
NEW RULE
 
The big oil companies must stop running ads telling us how much they’re doing for the environment. We get it: You rape the earth, but you cuddle afterward. It’s insulting—like a serial killer dumping a body by the roadside and then adopting a highway. If you folks at Shell really are serious about cleaning something up, start with your restrooms.

Other books

Just Grace and the Terrible Tutu by Charise Mericle Harper
A Girl Called Eilinora by Nadine Dorries
White Heat by Melanie Mcgrath
Velvet Lightning by Kay Hooper