New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (11 page)
Read New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer Online
Authors: Bill Maher
Gay-per-View
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Giving Good Headlines
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Gone Fission
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Got MILF?
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The Bravo network has to come out of the closet. First it was
Boy Meets Boy
, then
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,
and now their newest offering:
Manhunt,
where male models skydive in their underwear. Hey, one sign your network may be gay is when it’s literally raining men. One guy actually tried to score with another in midair—but his chute wouldn’t open.
Gaydar AidBoy Meets Boy
, then
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,
and now their newest offering:
Manhunt,
where male models skydive in their underwear. Hey, one sign your network may be gay is when it’s literally raining men. One guy actually tried to score with another in midair—but his chute wouldn’t open.
No more studies trying to prove that homosexuality is genetic. This week Swedish sex researchers—and honestly, are there any other kind?—found that when exposed to male pheromones, a gay man’s brain reacts differently than a straight man’s. Hmm. And all this time I thought my aversion to fisting and rim-jobs came from a persuasive essay in
The New Republic.
Of course it’s genetic. The only people left who don’t think you’re born gay are Pat Robertson and Anne Heche. Can we just leave the raving lunatics behind so we can catch up to the Europeans already?
Getting BlownThe New Republic.
Of course it’s genetic. The only people left who don’t think you’re born gay are Pat Robertson and Anne Heche. Can we just leave the raving lunatics behind so we can catch up to the Europeans already?
Don’t live close to the sea. If you build your home in a place where weather knocks houses over, weather will knock your house over. People who live in the Land of Oz have houses drop on them all the time. You don’t see them marching into Emerald City demanding a handout, do you? I’m sorry a big wind came and blew everything away but the La-Z-Boy and the orange velvet pool table, but hurricanes are God’s way of saying, “Get off my property!”
Gin DummyAnyone elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk. Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman is taking flak for telling schoolchildren that he doesn’t have a drinking problem because, quote, “I love to drink,” then adding that if he had to pick anything to be stranded with on a desert island, he would bring his favorite scotch. Kids, personally I would bring Eve. Because you know that freak is packing weed.
Using the phrase “He’s ba-a-a-a-ck” is over. He’s ba-ack, she’s ba-ack, it’s ba-ack—all over. Attention people who write mini headlines for cable news: Next time you have to write one referring to Deep Throat, the swallows of Capistrano, or some rock star’s hepatitis C, spend an extra 30 seconds coming up with something original like, “Hey, does it take a spike through the heart to kill off Al Gore, this grotesque freak of nature?”
Glutton, HoneySumo wrestling isn’t a sport, it’s an eating disorder. You can’t call yourself an athlete if your idea of getting into shape is tripling in size. Except in baseball.
Sometimes “sorry” just doesn’t cut it. Pakistan says it’s really, really sorry for selling nuclear secrets to anyone with cash and/or a thing for Allah. That’s nice. When one of their customers turns Washington into a debris field, it’ll be comforting to know Islamabad feels Islama-terrible. I know putting loose nukes in play isn’t a serious Muslim offense, like letting women wear pants, but here in the land of the Great Satan, it’s the second most horrifying thing we can imagine.
You can’t call your show
Wife Swap
unless the other guy really gets to bang your wife. I didn’t sign up for an hour of watching Mom do some other family’s laundry.
Grandma PosesWife Swap
unless the other guy really gets to bang your wife. I didn’t sign up for an hour of watching Mom do some other family’s laundry.
Posing nude is for people who look good naked, period—not for people who look good naked
for their age.
There’s a
Playboy
edition you don’t wanna miss: “Girls of the AARP.” One sign you may not be pinup material—if you yourself have centerfolds.
Gun Fightersfor their age.
There’s a
Playboy
edition you don’t wanna miss: “Girls of the AARP.” One sign you may not be pinup material—if you yourself have centerfolds.
Know your enemies. The National Rifle Association posted a list of antigun organizations on its Web site so NRA members would know who’s against the NRA. The list includes: the Ambulatory
Pediatric
Association, the American
Medical
Association, the American Association of
Surgery,
the American
Trauma
Society, the American Academy of
Child Psychiatry,
the
Children’s
Defense Fund, the Congress of Neurological Surgeons, the National Association of
School Psychologists.
Pediatric
Association, the American
Medical
Association, the American Association of
Surgery,
the American
Trauma
Society, the American Academy of
Child Psychiatry,
the
Children’s
Defense Fund, the Congress of Neurological Surgeons, the National Association of
School Psychologists.
Hmm. What could all these organizations have in common? Oh yeah!
They’re sick of cleaning up after the NRA!
Gyro WorshipThey’re sick of cleaning up after the NRA!
Rejected
American Idol
contestant Constantine Maroulis must be destroyed. He kept coming on to me through my television set. I don’t know why you singled me out, Constantine Maroulis, but I didn’t fall for it. Sure, you may have the smoky, sexy voice of a rock-and-roll bad boy, the lean stature of a Greek god, and a sultry gaze that makes my loins stir,
but that doesn’t make me gay.
Call me.
American Idol
contestant Constantine Maroulis must be destroyed. He kept coming on to me through my television set. I don’t know why you singled me out, Constantine Maroulis, but I didn’t fall for it. Sure, you may have the smoky, sexy voice of a rock-and-roll bad boy, the lean stature of a Greek god, and a sultry gaze that makes my loins stir,
but that doesn’t make me gay.
Call me.
Panned ParenthoodNEW RULEP
arents have to stop coddling their children. I’ve heard that now some schools have stopped grading papers with red ink because of complaints that a big, mean red X is too negative—why, a kid might even think he got that question wrong. Parents today are so fixated on protection, it’s amazing they ever got pregnant in the first place.A recent reality show called
Supernanny
placed an old-school, discipline-wielding nanny into a family where the mother can’t figure out that the reason she’s having a nervous breakdown is that she says things to her kids like, “Tyler, Mommy would really appreciate it if you didn’t throw rocks at me.”Moms and dads these days are like the Democratic Party: lame, spineless, and not holding up their end of the equation. And kids are like the Republicans: drunk with power and out of control.Maybe that’s why there’s also a new phenomenon called parent coaching, a kind of tech-support service for clueless parents when their 3-year-old goes haywire. As described in a recent
New York Times
article, here are some of the questions a typical mom asks her parenting coach: What should she do when Skylar won’t do his chores? Should there be limits on how he spends his allowance? Should Forrest get dessert if he does not eat a healthy dinner?Now, for those of you who are saying, “But Bill, you’re not a parent,” I say true, but I have one thing these parents apparently don’t: a brain. This is not rocket science. What should you do when Skylar won’t do his chores? How about using your size advantage? Make him!Because if there’s one thing we know about kids, it’s that if you give them an inch, the authorities will raid your Neverland Ranch. Like Michael Jackson, parents these days act like they’re on a date with their children—trying to impress them, trying to buy their love, and never contradicting them or giving them a big red X when they’re wrong.So no, I don’t have kids, and you know what? I don’t intend to have any until people start making some I’d want my kids to play with. Until then, I’m just glad I own a lot of stock in Ritalin.
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