Authors: Jennifer Loren
“Unbelievable!” Kyle yelled. “That was not your best presentation and somehow this guy still wants to talk to us more?”
I catch a glimpse of his suggestive glare. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because he stared at you the whole time. I’m not sure he heard a damn word you were saying and good thing because you didn’t say shit worth hearing!”
I huff rolling my eyes, “what do you want me to do Kyle? There is nothing I can do about that.”
“I would like for you to get your head back on straight so when
that
happens, like it always does, I can still say it doesn’t matter because she is the best, we are the best.” I try to speak but am quickly interrupted, “Ava your head hasn’t been into it since you’ve been back. I need you here. I know you have this incredible boyfriend now and I am happy for you but I need you here.” I begin to brood knowing he is right. “Honey I am happy for you, I am, but I need you too.”
“I’m sorry, I promise a lot more focus and a lot more sleep.”
Sighing.
“If I could only find a way to get off the phone with him and feel like I gave him something to hold on to him with, then I’m sure I could.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I feel like he is going to get tired of me, only talking on the phone all the time. I can hear in his voice how much stress he is under. There are so many reasons for him to find someone else and release all his stress and frustration. I am so afraid that if I let him off the phone I will never hear from him again. He has to be so tired of only talking. And what more can we talk about? I even told him about my pet gerbil, Ted, from when I was seven. The thing died after three weeks! There was not much to tell him and I am not sure why anyone would care. I don’t have that much more interesting to say. He has traveled everywhere and has met so many fascinating people. I tell him about Ted and he tells me about meeting Clint Eastwood at some big fancy charity dinner. Seriously, it is not even close. It is humiliating. We are nowhere close to the same and I do not know why he keeps calling me every night, unless maybe he likes torture by endless monotonous conversation. I am surprised he hasn’t hired someone to come out here and shoot me and put himself out of misery.” I rambled while Kyle laughs at me.
“Oh Ava and you say I am too dramatic. The man clearly has something for you or he would have never called in the first place. I wish you would see yourself for who you are, any guy would kill to have you give him the time of day.” I anguish a look in his direction. “Even this guy today was uninterested until you walked in and he was hooked from the moment he saw you. He could care less about what we can design for him as long as he gets to talk to you every day. And it is not only this time, it is the same way with all of our clients. You have some weird southern witchcraft charm or something.” I laugh at him. “Seriously, you are incredibly talented but you could talk a gazelle into living in a lion’s den. You have this way of making people feel comfortable. I don’t know how you do it but it works.” Kyle kisses me on the cheek holding my hand for reassurance as we drive to dinner.
After dinner is over we have a signed contract and a new client but I am not sure I want to deal in business with him. The asshole made his presence known as soon as we sat down. If it wasn’t his eyes then it was his hand accidentally slipping. Within the first ten minutes, I began sweating as each breath he took echoed heavily in my ear. I could not regain my composure until Kyle took my hand and was able to mention my new jealous and large boyfriend. Once the jerk backed off, I continued into sales mode, the fastest sales job I have ever made. A bad night but is a great opportunity and this guy has connections to even greater opportunities. I set my boundaries with him and even though he crossed them a couple of times, at least I did not throw up my hands and cry. This is the game and I have to find a way to make it work and remain respectable. At least by the end of the meeting he was listening to me, actually listening and understanding my ideas
.
It is always a struggle but what is the alternative? Be the constant victim and never get anywhere? That is not me, no matter how many times I cringe and want to scream.
Kyle takes my hand reminding me that we both understand. It is not easy for either of us in this business but together we find a way.
Once I get home, I go through my typical routine, and then shower to wash off the day and my still present anxiety. Completely oblivious to the time, I miss Sean’s call for the first time and have to call him back. “I’m sorry I was getting a shower and trying to unwind from the day.” I said before he can say a word.
“What happened?”
“Happened?”
“Ava, I can tell something happened to upset you. You’re stressed and tense, you always take a hot shower when you’re like that.”
I
can’t
believe he knows me so well.
“How?” I pause listening to his unapologetic sighs. “I … we had this client today and he was a bit much.”
“How exactly?”
“He invited us out to dinner to discuss our ideas but I didn’t or rather I ignored that he only invited me out for dinner after,” I said as his breathing changes intensity. “And he made a couple of advances towards me while we …”
“He did what? Where the hell was Kyle and why the hell did you go out with this guy anyway? Damn Ava! What the fuck were you thinking?” He yelled.
“I was thinking that I need this project and that I have to find a way to get it, so I can keep my firm afloat!”
“So you allow him to do or think whatever he wants to get the job - like a prostitute?”
Anger suddenly builds up inside me. “No Sean! I thought I might be able to change his mind about us and I did. He finally saw us as a firm he needed, rather than a woman he wanted to sleep with. If I turn away every possible job that tries to look down my shirt then I wouldn’t have much of a firm. I have to put up with bullshit sometimes so I can get in the door and then I can change their minds and earn their respect. I have never and I will never, do anything with someone to get a job. I would rather not have it.” Pressing my hands to my face, “oh you don’t understand how hard it is.” Sean tries to speak but I hush him. “Do you think I feel good about it? Because I don’t, I want to fight them but it is useless and it does not get me anywhere. So I play their stupid game and I find a way around it and if you can’t accept that then … Fuck you!” I said releasing years of frustration.
“Ava, I’m sorry, that was a horrible thing for me to say. I didn’t want to upset you but I don’t like hearing things like this, you don’t know how helpless I feel not being there to protect you, it makes me crazy. Tell me what I can do for you?”
“Be there for me at the end of the day.”
“I’m here but damn I wish I could be there with you.”
“I do too but this is good enough for now.” I straighten up and clear my tears along with my frustrations. “I won’t compromise who I am.” I said unsure if I was talking to him or myself.
“I know and I believe in you,” he said confidently, which is the most wonderful thing he can say at this moment.
H
er picture hangs perfectly square on the opposite wall, as I imagine her underneath me. Making love to her is an exhilarating feeling. My heart races and my breath heavies, as I prove my dedication to her. Her skin is so warm and comforting, I can only imagine how beautiful this moment must feel to her. I look over her to search for that love she must be feeling but once again - she denies me. She is lucky I don’t strangle the stubbornness right out of her. I refuse to look at her disrespect! Racing to the wall I rip the picture back down and stuff her back into the dark box where she belongs.
Until she learns … until she can learn who she belongs too.
“Jefferis, you have a visitor.” The guard yells, eyeing me briefly before realizing his job doesn’t pay enough to care.
Shackled, I make my way to the meeting room where my mother waits for me with her usual admiring smile. “Oh there is my boy. Handsome as always.” She knows what I want but she obviously can’t give it to me. “Is there something wrong?”
“Have you found her yet?” I growl. Her shoulders sink as she sits back in her seat. “I assume that would be a –
no
. So why are you here then?”
“Spencer darling, I have good news. I found a doctor who is doing a study on how people manipulate others to the point of causing damage to the brain.” She pulls out an article of the good doctor Knight, with his smiling face and documented reports that he says proves his theories. “Doctor Knight, believes that this damage can cause people to do things they would not have otherwise. He reviewed your file and believes what she did to you is not your fault, it is a kind of psychological torture. His new process can help rebuild the damaged part of your brain and will cure you of the torture you endured from her. He is
very
excited to meet you and work with you. He said you could be an example of why his system will work. If you let him talk to you, then he can help prove that you should not be held accountable for what she says you did. He can help get you a new trial.” I stare blankly at the wall as she continues to babble on. “Did you hear me Spencer? A new trial, a chance to go free again.”
“That doesn’t do me any good until I know where she is. Did you talk to the investigator?”
“I did but he wants more money than I can give him. The doctor cost me …”
Standing up, “I don’t care! You find her!” I rage until she nods with understanding.
T
he supposed highly regarded doctor sits across from me, making notes as he studies my answers and my reactions to his questions. He doesn’t care about me. He only cares about making a name for himself, proving that he is worthy of the acronyms that accompany his name. Nonetheless, I give him what he wants. I weaken my voice and lower my posture. I tremble at the idea of having to go back to my cell. His greedy beliefs help me control what he sees in me. “So tell me again how you first came in contact with Ms. Kelley?”
“Ava. Her name is - Ava. I don’t like talking about her as if she is a stranger. Referring to her by her last name, is such a cold way to speak of someone you care for,” I say gripping the chair for control. The doctor smiles and nods while making notes about my progress. Stepping back into my thoughts and memories, “she walked into the corner store where I worked. I had seen beautiful women before but when I clumsily ran into her, she asked me if I was okay. Most women yelled or smacked me.”
“Smacked you? For what?” He asked.
“They said I did it on purpose to try and get a feel of them. I wasn’t though. I was only trying to help them. I get nervous around women especially beautiful women. I can’t help it, I become clumsy and careless. No matter how hard I try, I make a mess of things.”
“What would you do after they smacked you?”
“Nothing, I apologized and walked away. I didn’t want to get into trouble. Whenever they would come back to the store I would hide from them. I was afraid they would yell at me again.”
The doctor looks at me with sympathy, “that says a lot Spencer. You are intimidated by women. It’s not surprising you would become nervous and cause unintentional accidents. You saw these women countless times and none of them accused you of any stalking or reported you to police for any malicious intent. If any of these women can be persuaded to come forward, it might help prove you don’t have a history of harming women. In fact, you run from confrontation with them, not attack them.”
I nod happily in unison with him, all the while knowing, they won’t find any of those women. Each one of them are lovingly buried.
“How often did Ava come into the store?” The doctor asked writing hastily in his book.
“Only that one time, I didn’t see her again until she started at Columbia that following semester. I had just taken a job as part of the janitorial service there.”
“So all these accusations that you followed her is simply not true, she followed you?” I nod remembering the pile of Columbia housing paperwork she had dropped after I ran into her. “And the security job where she worked?”
“I found a business card when I was cleaning one day. Someone had written that there were positions available on the back. So I looked into it and found out they were hiring in security, it paid more, so I took the job. I had no idea she would be there too.” The doctor smiles happily as he takes more notes about what he believes happened.
“This is amazing, I can’t believe none of this was ever brought up during your trial. Now when she would talk to you, did she ever act a different way with you than she did with others?”
“She always smiled at me. She always made sure to walk by me, wave to me even. This one time she even had this guy follow her in and harass her, to make me jealous. I told her I didn’t like it, that she didn’t need to do those kinds of things to make me notice her. She laughed and said I was her hero. I know she enjoyed watching me take control of the situation.”
“So she likes playing games, role playing games?” I nod. “This woman flaunted her sexual relationship with her boss in front of you. Forced you to watch her bring in other men to tease you? Followed you from one job to the next until you snapped. She played with your head, like a toy for her pleasure. This woman should be here begging you for forgiveness. Ms. Kelley is obviously, severely disturbed.”
“Her name is
Ava
.”
I
sit waiting for my next scene when Randy comes into my trailer. Randy my valuable security specialist is also my best friend and is a bit underpaid for both jobs - according to him.
“Sean. How’s it going?”